Everything

 

***

 

It took at least half of the day before Yoona decided to leave her room. She fell asleep listening to the cries outside. As much as she wanted to comfort her, she figured it will worsen the situation. But as she came downstairs, expecting to see no one, she's agape to smell something from the kitchen. She hastily went to check and finds Seohyun, busy doing something and the table is all messy. "What are you still... Doing here?" She raises her eyebrows.

 

Seohyun cough lightly because of the flour and glances to the source of the voice while her right eye is close. "Hey." She greeted with a bright smile. "I hope you don't mind." She grabs a clean cloth and wipes the flour on her cheeks and the side of her eyebrows.

 

"I would really mind. This is my-"

 

"I don't want to go home without you still. So I thought you will love to eat lunch with me? And since my new character in my new drama cooks as well, I grab the chance to practice." Seohyun pouted her lips cutely. "So don't scold me." And she looked down again resumes mixing the ingredients.

 

Yoona didn't know what just happened. Her heart says the young singer-actress just acted cute and it meant for her but her mind says, she's trying to prevent her from getting mad over her unnoticed stay when she just told her earlier to leave.

 

"Wae?" Seohyun realized the doe-eyed just looked at her. "Aren't you going to help me make this lunch?" So she asks her cheerfully.

 

Yoona is totally amused. "Whatever. Just don't burn the kitchen." she chuckles and she turned to leave.

 

"I will not burn if you help me!" Seohyun yelled, playfully.

 

Yoona scoffs. But she ends up turning back and she noticed something on the younger. So she went to the cabinet and grabs an apron. "Can you face me first?" She asks as she stood next to her.

 

Oblivious, Seohyun complied. She however stiffens when the deer suddenly put the apron on her waist and her face is just next to hers, she can feel her hot breathing against her right cheek while she's busy tying it behind her. Her heart is starting to beat wildly than usual and face turning red.

 

As Yoona finishes tying the apron, she turned to meet Seohyun's gazes with hers. She gulped nervously when she realizes how close they are and suddenly time stopped for unknown reason. All that she can see is her beautiful crystal clear eyes and can feel her heart beats faster like it hasn't been like that as she finds herself mesmerize and feel like couldn't leave her beautiful and loving gazes. The fact that Seohyun still looks beautiful than ever is intimidating her. And the fact that she still has that effect on hers is sure unbelievable. No one hasn't done this except her, that she knew for a decade now.

 

She misses her so much. And she misses touching her.

 

"Seohyun-ah..." She softly speaks as she slowly holds her cheek and Seohyun closes her eyes, leaning into her touch. She smiled sweetly and rubs her cheek gently. "I... Don't know if you are going to like this but..." She didn't able to continue her words when she heard a ringing tone and that's not her phone ring tone. "I think it's your... Phone, Seohyun-ah... " But the younger one didn't seem to recognize her own ringtone as she never opens her eyes.

 

"Yes?" Seohyun quickly fluttered her eyes open.

 

"Your phone." Chuckled Yoona, amusingly.

 

Hurriedly, Seohyun took her phone out and she embarrassingly smiled to the deer before she excuses herself to answer it in the side.

 

Yoona smiled and couldn’t help but glance to the adorable young singer-actress. 'Something has never change.' She thought as she decided to start helping the younger one with the food she's preparing. Seohyun is making a homemade black bean noodles. And she seems having a hard time making the noodles. 'Does she know what she's doing?' Shs took a secret glance before she resumes where Seohyun have left.

 

Seohyun who is talking to Taeyeon about Yoona finally turned her head to see the latter is now busy. "She's really doing well, Unnie. I will make sure to bring her back." She firmly said, smiling quietly.

 

[Don't forget to bring your heart back rather.] Taeyeon teases, smiling from ear to ear over the next line.

 

"I'm not going to promise." Seohyun meaningfully replied before she finally ended the call. She put it back to her pocket and walks casually next to Yoona.

 

"Here. You do the mixing." Yoona didn't think twice and she passes the bowls that has the ingredients. "And I will make these noddles." She told her with a small smile.

 

"But I want to mkae the noodles as well." A cute pout appears in Seohyun's face. "Why don't you teach me, Yoongie?"

 

Yoona glances and shakes her head. "We're going to take time for that. Besides it's just a lunch." Then she ignores her.

 

"O... kay." Seohyun sighs in disappointment. She can really feel she's avoiding her again. 'But what happened earlier?' Heck, her cheeks turned red upon recalling how she just leans into her touch and loses her soul. She only returns to her body when she heard her voice and the ringing on her pocket. It was totally embarrassing. But sure, she couldn't deny the fact that she misses that touch. The way she would tenderly touch her and her body would react to it. Yoona never hasn't her touch, has she?

 

"Hey."

 

"Hmm?" She just instantly turned to face her with a cheerful smile.

 

"You shouldn't be staying here after lunch." Yoona said it firmly and turned away, earning nothing but a light punch on her arm. She was surprised and looked at her in disbelief.

 

Seohyun just smiled and turned away the moment the deer looked back at her.

 

'What is wrong with her?' Yoona rolled her eyes. 'Weirdo.'

 

'I won't ever leave.' Seohyun however is stubborn just she always does. Either way, she has two days off. No one can stop her with her mission, not even Yoona herself.

 

 

***

 

 

Stepping out of the bathroom after excusing herself to have a pee, Seohyun grabs the chance and check the only room in the house. It was surprising that it is two storeys but only has one bedroom. The rest of the rooms are Yoona's library room, mini theatre room and a gaming room.

 

She couldn't help and notice the walls in Yoona's room, that's filled with self-improving quotes she has read from books. Now she wonders if there's really something more of her reason from staying awa from Seoul. Because she hasn't Yoona without confidence to herself. Every quotes seems to give someone encouragement and assurance in everything a person does. She felt so bad as she thought of how she just ignores all her efforts back then. But what is done is done, she just have to make it right again for them.

 

As her attention shifted to the picture frames, she noticed most of them are with her non-celebrity friends and family then only one picture frame of their group. "Sheesh." But she didn't like it, because she's too far from Yoona on their group picture. She suddenly remembers their pictures together in her apartment. Yoona literally has this wall that has filled with polaroid pictures of them, from their childhood memories until when they were dating. "Aish." She shakes her head however, didn't like what she suddenly reminisce.

 

Her eyesbrows raise when she caught the attention of the open drawer and she curiously crouch down to check what's inside. Much to her disappointment, the drawer contains of her and Yoona's polaroids. Her heart tightens, knowing Yoona went to Seoul to get all the photos on her apartment but she has to keep all of it in a drawer. 'Of-Of course... we're done... she has the right to do this. Ugh... Why am I surprise? Why is it still... Snap it out, Seohyun. Why are you suddenly becoming weak? This isn't about you and Yoona...' She closes the drawer and stands up, taking breathing exercise in prevention for her to cry or something she might not like. She proceeds to the door but just as she reached it, she heard footsteps outside that seems to be coming closer and closer to the bedroom. Quick, she opens it and walked out. "Hey." Greeting her with the same smile.

 

"What took you so long?" Yoona suspeciously eyed the younger.

 

"I had to fix my hair." Seohyun said and quickly grabs the deer's arm. "Come on, before some cat will steal out food."

 

"I don't have a cat." Yoona chuckled, couldn't stop the younger girl from dragging her downstairs. As they reached the table back, she noticed she got quiet. "Something wrong?" So she carefully ask.

 

Seohyun fake a smile and shake her head. "It's nothing. Shall we?"

 

"Yeah, sure." Said Yoona as she flashes a small smile. 'Did she check my stuffs?' But she guesses, since she took time on her bedroom.

 

'How did you cope it, Yoona?' Seohyun felt a pang of guilt, as she watches the deer in front of her in silence. 'You were all alone... and... '

 

"Can you talk again? I felt uncomfortable." Yoona said an awkward chuckle, sensing the intent stares on her again.

 

"Yeah... of course." Seohyun snapped out of her trance and took a deep breath before she relaxes. "About earlier... " and she thinks, it's a great chance to open it up. "I mean, before this... that confession... I'm sorry about it." She softly and sincerely says. "I'm sorry because I wasn't aware... I wasn't aware that you've been dealing it since you... donate your kidney. I was wrong all along... you weren't selfish... you were never selfish since then... But I'm sorry that you have to deal this alone." she sighs afterwards.

 

Yoona smiled cheerfully this time. "It's nothing. You know the reason of it. You actually don't have to apologize... It was all on me."

 

"Still. I-"

 

"A simple thank you would be better." Yoona cut the younger girl's sentence before she hears her apologies again. She doesn't like it when it's her apologizing instead of her, that did something terrible.

 

Seohyun can't help and felt heavy inside. Because the doe-eyed obviously doesn't want her to feel sorry for her. "Thank you." But she can't take her for granted. "Thank you and you save my life. If it wasn't-"

 

"It's not me. It's you. You never give up and that's what all that matters." Yoona genuinely smiled. "I'm glad I was a help." she doesn't want to take credit everything on her, when there are no guarantee that time that Seohyun will survive with her kidney alone.

 

"But Yoona, what you did is never been wrong. I mean, your parents... if you may want to know, they already accepted it and... They’re all so proud of you."

 

"That's why you're here right? For them?"

 

Seohyun pout her lips and nodded.

 

"I told you earlier. I will only comeback once I got the right chance. I miss them also... but I just have to take some time first before coming back." Yoona explained further.

 

"What is it and you want to take more time, then?"

 

"I don't think I can share it with you."

 

"We are still friends... aren't we?"

 

Yoona smiled. "Of course. But-"

 

"Please tell me, Yoongie." Seohyun took Yoona's hands as she begs for it desperately. "I know you can't tell me everything because of what I did to you... but please... I beg you... tell me everything. As your friend... I want to listen to it... you don't have to keep this your entire life... I know you can tell me..."

 

Yoona looked down to their hands that give her warmth. Her touch always never fails to comfort her. She misses it. She misses everything about her. And slowly but surely, she's changing her mind. "You might not like it."

 

"I've been through a lot, don't you think that's... non-sense?"

 

"Yeah... " Said Yoona as she slowly put Seohyun's hands back to herself. "It's just that... I feel like I will crumble." she confessed. "Every time I think going back... I feel like... everything will fall apart... I feel like... I wouldn't do any good anymore... Going back to Seoul has been so hard for me." she bitterly smiles.

 

Seohyun goose bumps. "Wae?" But she wanted her to continue.

 

"I've been seeing a psychiatrist honestly." Yoona further revealed. "Every week, she will be here and help me... help me get over what’s bothering me. That's why I told you It will take time... "

 

"Yoona... please tell me you don't have... " Seohyun is slowly understanding it.

 

"Fear to do a mistake again... I have anxiety about it...Thinking of Seoul, thinking of going home... It will only remind me of the people I have hurt... It's crumbling me inside... since my parents didn't like what I did, and I feel like they treated it as a mistake of mine... I feel like everything I do is a mistake...The last time I tried to comeback, I got lost. I just don't know where to go. My mind keeps telling me that I shouldn't be here... I should be back to the mountains, where I deserve - away from people that I might hurt... like you." Yoona slowly looked down to her plate and whispers, "I deserve being away from you... Do I? Tell me I am not... " but couldn't hold back and started crying. "I deserve this."

 

Seohyun just abruptly get up and she took the seat next to Yoona, bringing her into her embrace as she keeps on apologizing again. She really didn't know what she did will cause a mental illness for Yoona. She thought it would be okay for them, but it turns out, she didn't take it easy. She felt more than guilty but she can't keep on apologizing only. "It'll be alright soon, Yoona... It'll be alright. I'm here now... and honestly I don't think you deserve to be here. You deserve to be the people you love. Everyone loves you and forgive you for whatever you have done... i-including me. You don't know but I've already forgotten it... I wouldn't be here if... if I am holding a grudge on you. I can’t ever do that. I really can't - especially to someone who have been part of my life." she comforted and confessed at the same time while tears are joining the cries she can hear from Yoona. She's maybe denying it herself but deep inside, she sure can't hold a grudge on Yoona.

 

Yoona slowly lifted her head up and meets those tears on Seohyun. "Chincha?" And she is slowly feeling light inside. "You do?" But tears can't still be stopped. She gently wipes her tears away in the process.

 

Seohyun nodded her head slowly as she wraps her arms around her waist and she whispers to her ear. "Don't be afraid to commit a mistake because I myself do... Everyone do... And that won't define as who you are... So please... don't forget that. And... be strong... cause I am also..."

 

Unconsciously, Yoona returned the hug and she broke down in her shoulders. For months, she had been crying alone. It really felt better when someone is with her, listening and comforting her at the same time. Especially if it's someone that she truly love the most.

 

'Im Yoona, I'm really so sorry. I'm really am.' Seohyun thought as she slowly calms down and comforted the deer more. Now that she understands her situation, she doesn't think Yoona should comeback without getting over it yet. She knows the struggle of having anxiety as well. Because she had anxiety also when she was sick. Thankfully and her parents were there for her while Yoona doesn't have anyone with her. She's glad she came on the right time and she hopes it will help her get better mentally.

 

 

***

 

 

Yoona woke up after couple of hours of sleeping, "Who the heck is this?" But is lazy to get up. She however realized she's alone. "Where... where is... was I been dreaming?" The last thing she remembers she is crying in Seohyun's arms and fall asleep also on her arms, which is why she's lying on the couch. "So... it was all just a dream?" She is sad, as she realizes everything that happened are just a dream. She sighs, feeling heavy inside.

 

Unfortunately, she felt dry on her cheeks, which means she cried on her sleep?

 

"Ugh." But her attention averted to the constant knocking. She forcefully gets up and drags her feet to the door. She didn't mind checking her intercom and just unlocks the door lazily. Once the door is open and Seohyun appeared in front of her, her eyes widened. "S-Seohyun?!"

 

"I thought of really staying here... I mean, I don't think I could really leave you alone. It'll be so bad for me." Seohyun flashes a cheerful smile. "So here, I bought myself some clothes! Im glad there's a nearby clothing shop!" She pulled up the paper bags she's holding to show it to the deer. She left Yoona after she fell asleep thinking of just giving up and just explain everything to her parents, but she changed her mind and decided to shop some clothes to wear for the night.

 

Yoona blinks a couple of times, shakes her head and taps her cheeks a few times. "It wasn't a dream, right?" Trying to convince herself, that she wasn't really alone earlier.

 

"What were you talking about?" Seohyun chuckles softly. "Of course you weren't."

 

"Chincha? But can you pinch me first?"

 

"No need." said Seohyun, walking inside as she figures the doe-eyed girl will not let her in.

 

"I feel like I am dreaming." Yoona followed suit, while still tapping her cheeks continuously.

 

"Of course you are not!"

 

"But-OUCH!" Yoona yelped in pain the moment the younger one stopped and pinched her cheeks so hard. She literally jumps away from her. "That hurts a lot!" she pout her lips while rubbing her cheek.

 

"Are you convince now? Tsk,tsk." Shaking her head in disbelief, Seohyun continued her way upstairs.

 

Yoona almost immediately blocks the younger girl and asked her, "Where are you going?"

 

"I told you, I'm staying." Seohyun stated as a fact. She tried to walk pass from the deer but the latter held her forearm. She raise her eyebrows in confusion.

 

"Where are you staying?"

 

"Obviously in your room." She rolled her eyes in annoyance. She pulled her hand off of the deer and proceeds but Yoona once again blocks her. "Yoona please! I want to change my clothes! Give me a way!" she got annoyed but Yoona looked at her seriously. "Alright... " she understands why. "I am not here to convince you again about coming back. I am here because... " she pause as she put the deer's grasp gently off of her hand. "I am here because I want to make most of my day off. After what I have heard everything from you, I won't be sleeping peacefully later knowing you are alone here. Can I stay?" and she asks, hoping she would let her.

 

Slowly but surely, Yoona understood the intention from her former girlfriend and she is flattered to learn it. She smiled a little and nodded.

 

"Thank you-"

 

"In one condition."

 

Seohyun raise her eyebrows.

 

"You're staying only for until tonight." Yoona favoured, seriously.

 

"How about tomorrow? I still have a day off too." Seohyun can't waste the chance and wanted to also suggest it. Either way, they are friends and she's okay with that.

 

"Just until tomorrow then. Go back in the afternoon, Hmm?"

 

"Aigoo, whatever, Im Yoona."

 

Yoona hastily took the paper bags and she headed to her bedroom, leading the younger girl. But as she attempts to set a rule, Seohyun pushed her outside of her own bedroom.

 

"That can wait." Seohyun said before closing the door in front of her.

 

Dumbfounded, Yoona just stare at the door in disbelief. It's her house but the young singer-actress is treating her like she's a guest or something. "Whatever Seo Joohyun." she mimics her and finally moves from her spot.

 

Seohyun inside the room couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. It's been a while since she last played with Yoona and she got excited to spend time more with her. Now that things are slowly going back to normal with them, she wanted to take the chance and pay her back with her sacrifice. God knows how she is so grateful to have Yoona the time she's going through her life that she never ever asks for. There's no way she will miss the chance.

 

-

 

'Where is she?' But the moment she has changed her clothes into a much comfortable pair, she noticed the silence the entire house. She went to the living room, kitchen, checks the outside but none has it the doe-eyed. So she went upstairs again and checks every room, since there's only one bedroom, she's probably hanging out in her mini theatre, library or her music studio room? "Seriously?" But still no trace. And it looks like, she's alone this time. It's unbelievable when she only changed for a minute.

 

She returned downstairs and just grabs the remote control then open the TV. 'She's playing hide and seek, eh? Then I'm not searching for her.' she thought, cross her arms and pout her lips.

 

After a while, just as she was about to give up, the door opens and she turned to see who is walking in. Much to her joy, it's the girl she had been cursing on her mind. She rushed to meet her half-way and hit her shoulder. "Where the heck are you?! I've been looking around for you! You got me worried!" she scolded as she hits her shoulder one more time.

 

"Aigoo, you're so dramatic. I only went to buy this." Yoona showed the paper bag of pop corns. "I was supposed to watch a movie today but since I have a company this time, I have to buy this." she explained.

 

"You should have told me you are going out!"

 

"I did! But I think you didn't hear it."

 

Seohyun frowns. "Really?" While following the deer upstairs. "I'm... I'm just changing though." And she tried to save herself but she fails.

 

"You were probably busy choosing what to wear." Yoona chuckled, making her way to her mini theater.

 

"What are we going to watch, then?" Seohyun links her arm almost immediately. And she flashes her biggest smile.

 

"Some rate films." Yoona jokes, earning a slap on her arm. "Hahahah I was just kidding." And it's fun to see the younger girl's face turned red after she told her.

 

"You - Im Yoona." Seohyun turned serious as she pointed to the older girl.

 

"Wae?"

 

She sighs and just shrugs it off. "Let's watch some romantic movies. I miss watching it with you." she unconsciously blurted and drags the deer forcefully, as they finally got inside.

 

Yoona just give Seohyun the popcorns and did not say anything as she sets up the projector behind along with the movie they're going to watch. She literally did not expect to hear it from Seohyun and she doesn't know how to react. But one thing is for sure, her heart suddenly skips a beat and she felt like Seohyun is hinting something? Or what?

 

'Otoke. What did I just said earlier?' Seohyun on the other hand just realized how she got so carefree and blurted it out without her knowledge. It's giving butterflies all over her stomach and her cheeks are heating up. She didn't notice she had been eating the cheese popcorn non-stop.

 

When Yoona returned, she was surprised to see the younger girl is so red and she almost finished one pack of popcorn. "Are you hungry?" She asks as she took the half popcorn. Good thing she bought two.

 

"I'm... I'm just... Impatient. That's it. So what movie?" Seohyun sheepishly tried to divert the question.

 

Yoona then pressed the start button on the remote control and said, "Since you ask for it, I changed my mind and let's watch Everything, Everything."

 

"Oh, I heard that movie and I haven't watched that." Seohyun comfortably leaned on her seat and casually eats on her popcorn. She suddenly got excited and as she thought of having a movie date with Yoona for the first time since she was sick. It's one of her prior plans before she got sick. And now it's like a dream come true.

 

'Sheesh, I can't believe her.' Yoona thought before she finally turned her head to the screen and watches the film quietly, but couldn't stop herself and would glance to the person she is still so in love. God knows how much she has to endure when she's alone for months. She feels like she achieved greatly because she was able to survive.

 

In the middle of the movie, Seohyun suddenly couldn't help and cry because of the girl on the movie. She can relate into her situation when she was sick and couldn't able to go out to enjoy the day. But she stopped when she heard soft cries from the person next to her also. "Wae?" She sniffles as she asks her.

 

"That guy is just like me. I want to see the person I love but I couldn't. It hurts." Yoona explained in between her sniffles. She turned to see Seohyun and the girl is smiling. "Wae?" She pouted cutely.

 

Seohyun reaches for the doe-eyed girl's cheeks and wipes them off away gently with her thumb. "That time... I thought... I thought what I did was all the best for you and me... I did not regret however... Because I was able to continue my treatment without interruption. But I wasn't aware that while I am doing it, someone is hurting because she couldn't see me. I'm really so sorry about that, Yoongie. I'm really am."

 

Shaking her head a little, Yoona held Seohyun's wrists and softly speaks, "You did nothing wrong, Joohyun. I understand everything about it. I just hurt because the person I love the most is not only hurting physically, she's also hurting emotionally because of what happened. It hurts that I couldn't see you and comfort you but I accepted what's meant for that. It wasn't like you intended it. I-" she pause the moment her words were cut off when Seohyun crashed suddenly her lips to hers. She had her eyes widened but later blinks a couple of times, as Seohyun pulled back.

 

"We are both sorry for each other... We should just accept it and move on. Okay?" Said Seohyun as she couldn't stare directly to Yoona's eyes. Her heart is pounding fast and her mind is telling her that she shouldn't have done it. But something tells her it was right.

 

"But... Was that... N-Necessary?" Yoona is confused. She feels like there was something more of the kiss than her explanation.

 

"I don't know what took me. I guess I just want you to stop and get over with it." Seohyun explained and finally turned to face the big screen. She sighs as she bit her lip and eats on her pop-corn again. 'Why couldn't I admit it directly?' She is confused with her own feelings however. She felt right but something is stopping her.

 

"Y-Yeah... Maybe." Yoona shrugs her shoulders and turned to face the big screen as well. Her heart is sad and disappointed at the same time.

 

 

***

 

 

"It will only be an hour of therapy though. So no need to accompany me. We'll finish before you know it."

 

Seohyun recalled that last sentence she heard from Yoona before the girl went with her pyshiatrist to her library room. As much as she doesn't want to bother about it, she couldn't stop herself, knowing the psychiatrist is young and is pretty enough. She thought she's older but turns out one year younger than Yoona. And the fact that she has this sweet smiles, friendly aura towards Yoona, she couldn't stop from thinking the latter will have interest for her former girlfriend.

 

"Aish." She got frustrated when she glanced to the clock yet it has only been 10 minutes since the two left her alone in the living room. But it feels like they've been there for an hour already.

 

Grabbing the remote control, she opens it and tried to distract herself from thinking about Yoona with her psychiatrist. Instead of giving her trust that nothing will happen bad, she is like imagining that girl, seducing Yoona. "But why am I bothered?" That's a big question for her. "We're done and we're only just friends. Ugh, I'm just wasting my time." she flips the channels, hoping she will finally get over the imagination.

 

However, just a few moments later, she is once again bothered about Yoona with the psychiatrist. She's getting crazier imagining unnecessary stuffs until she couldn't hold it anymore and she marches to the library and pressed her left ear against the door. Much to her surprise, she's hearing moans. Her eyes widened and was about to barge in when she stopped, realizing what she's about to do. 'If I'm going to do this, this just means I will never trust Yoona ever again. That's right, Joohyun... how are you so stupid? How can you not trust her? It had been months... shouldn't you actually forget about it and trust her again? Yoona, she wasn't perfect and you should also put that in your mind always... Ugh, stupid.' She retracted her hand and marched back to the sofa. 'You don't even deserve Yoona's forgiveness if you keep doing it. Alright, let's not break this up. Everything is now going back to normal... and you should do as what you plan to do supposedly. Breath in... breath out... Breath in... breath out... ' She thought while closing her eyes and relaxing her mind so her thoughts . 'Let's do this.' and she does as what she's thinking.

 

Later then her thoughts are clear and instead, she's reminiscing their memories together, bringing smiles on her face. She didn't noticed, she has open her eyes and resumes watching some random show on the TV, while waiting patiently for the therapy to finish, like she's used to it.

 

After a while, Yoona walked the room together with her psychiatrist, looking bright than ever. Seohyun gives the psychiatrist a bow before she left them two alone again.

 

"Wae?" Yoona noticed the younger girl is staring at her with those sweet smiles. But instead of an answer, she was surprised when she hugs