3 years.

 

It’s been 3 years since he last saw him.

 

It’s been 3 years since he last heard his voice.

 

It’s been 3 years since he found out that he’s been thrown out of the life of the only person he has ever loved.

 

It’s been 3 years since he went to Oh Sehun, wishing to put the broken pieces of him back together only to have it shattered into tinier pieces, making it impossible to be fixed.

 

It’s been 3 years of what ifs and whys.

 

It’s been 3 years of imagining what could have been and what could have happened had he stayed in his life the first time they met.

 

It’s been 3 years but Luhan remains in the memories of that day outside Sehun’s house, unmoving, unable to accept that he had lost him, this time forever.

 

It’s been 3 years but Luhan is still thinking about him, dreaming about their future together, building his dreams for them.

 

It’s been 3 years but Luhan still keeps their picture together inside his wallet, hoping that more pictures of them will soon fill his life.

 

It’s crazy but he can’t help it.

 

He has fallen deeply in love with Sehun, lured into him and he can’t get out.

 

But he knows that what they once had had ended even before it officially started, and what’s hard about sad endings, Luhan had come to know, is that you will be thinking about nothing but the memories you once shared and the regrets of not being able to make more of them. The memories that he’ll forever remember and take with him. The memories that he’ll forever treasure. The regrets that will forever haunt him. The regrets that he will forever think of. The pain after the realization that you have wasted your time doing nothing until you lost the only thing or person you wanted to have.

 

In that 3 years time, many things have happened already. Baekhyun and Chanyeol got married and even though he was unable to go, Baekhyun had understood his reason and from time to time, he’s checking on how his heart is holding up. The couple had visited him for 6 times now and they stayed for a week with him every time. He also found out that Ren already had a boyfriend but the latter didn’t told him his name, he wants to surprise his hyung, he said. All that Luhan knows about the guy is that he’s a CEO and a very successful, young businessman and that they’ve been together for a year now and they’re planning to get married some time soon.

 

Luhan stared idly outside the glass windows of the cafe. A few people are walking outside, some of them making hurried steps, wanting to get home fast for the temperature outside is unbearable. The snow has started to pile up outside, the streets covered with the pristine white color. Almost everyone had put on their coats, wore their gloves and adorned their necks with the warm and comfy scarfs.

 

Winter is already ending and spring is about to come and he wanted to invite his parents over so that they can see the spring festival one of the communities downtown holds annually. He knows it should be him visiting them, not the other way around, but Luhan is not ready to go back to Seoul again. Knowing that Sehun lived in the same city as him, though he knows the possibility of them bumping into each other is very low, he won’t risk going back there again to have his heart broken more than it had been.

 

He looked at the wristwatch he is wearing. It’s already 7:50 p.m. and his shift ends at 8:00. Ten more minutes and he’s good to go. He heard the bell by the cafe’s door chimed and he was greeted by a fully-wrapped Minseok. His nose is a bit red and his cheeks are no exception. He took off his coat and started walking towards the counter. He hung his coat on the rack and got his apron on the second shelf at the right. He tied his apron around his waist and approached Luhan.

 

“Hey, Lu” he greeted, his eyes warm and enthusiastic.

 

Minseok’s one of Luhan’s treasured friends here in the States. Him and his boyfriend Jongdae are the ones who always accompany Luhan when he just simply want to forget the gnawing ache he feels in his chest from time to time. They have been his partner in crime, his club buddies and his counselors and Luhan couldn’t be more thankful that they came to his life at the perfect time.

 

“Hello, Minseok-hyung” he greeted back warmly.

 

“You can go home now, kid. I’ll take it from here” he said, ruffling his hair a bit, “Jongdae dropped by your apartment earlier, he cooked chicken noodle soup for you, to keep you warm, his words exactly” he chuckled.

 

“Oh, thank you hyung” Luhan bowed at him and gave him a gentle smile, “I’ll visit Jongdae tomorrow at his art studio to give him something too” he promised.

 

“Please do, he needs to liven up a bit, he’s been overworking himself lately”

 

Luhan smiled at him again and took off his apron. He got his jacket from the rack and put it on. He bowed at Minseok and bid him goodbye and started on his way home.

 

Upon opening the door and stepping his left foot outside the cafe, the cold breeze greeted Luhan, its coldness seeping through the thin fabric he is wearing. He shivered when the wind blows, and he’s betting that his ears are now a pretty shade of red. Not withstanding the freezing temperature already, Luhan rushed home.

 

3 minutes since he left the cafe, Luhan regrets not making a coffee, so that the cup can keep his hands warm, before heading out.

 

7 minutes since he left the cafe, Luhan halted, mind clearly forgetting that he should start walking again or he’ll freeze, gazing at the tall building before him. The hotel where Sehun had stayed when they met 3 and a half years ago. The very same hotel where Sehun confessed that he’s already started loving Luhan despite the fact they’ve only known each other for hours. The very same place where they first shared something intimate and they felt a deep connection between the two of them. Like puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. Like two people who are bound to find each other. Like Allyson and Willem of the story he had read recently - Just One Day. Upon making the comparison, Luhan realized that they were indeed Allyson and Willem. And Luhan would be Willem and Sehun will be Allyson. Allyson bumped into Willem like how Sehun had bumped into Luhan. They shared a day together, did crazy things and ended up sharing an intimate moment and then the next day, Allyson found herself alone, without Willem by his side, much like what happened with him and Sehun.

 

He had read somewhere that the greatest risk is not taking one and he only realized the truth those line holds when he saw Sehun with another man. He only realized the weight those words held when he had lost Sehun - the consequence of not taking the risk.

 

“I shouldn’t have left, I should have taken the risks” Luhan said to no one in particular, his gaze still fixated at the building before him, “I miss you, Sehun-ah” he mumbled lowly. His vision started getting cloudy, the tears forming in his eyes completely. He wiped the tears that had successfully rolled off his cheeks and wiped his eyes clean. He sighed and started walking again, with a heavy feeling in his chest this time.

 

With heavy steps, he tread along the snow-covered pavement. He didn’t let his gaze wander around more. He doesn’t want to see any more couples holding hands to give each other warmth. He doesn’t want to see any more of them laughing with each other, or someone leaning his or head on his partner’s shoulder while walking. He can’t handle any more addition to the gnawing ache he feels for being alone because of his own stupidity. He reached his apartment 5 minutes after. He took off his shoes and went straight on his bed, not even bothering to clean himself up or even change clothes. He plopped down on it, hands covering his face. Seconds later, sounds of sobs and hiccups filled Luhan’s dark room. He willed himself not to cry but he knows that there’s no use suppressing his tears when everything around him seems crumbling down. When every fiber of his body screams that he’s sad, alone and broken. When every cell in his body knows that Sehun had forgotten about him already while here he is, crying, for he misses his touch, his warmth, the feel of his skin against his, his eyes that twinkles when he smiles, his sweet voice and laughter, his everything.

 

Luhan stayed lying there, his shoulders moving up and down, his hands trembling, his eyes producing more tears. He felt his phone vibrating inside his pocket and then a familiar ringtone echoed inside the room. It was Baekhyun. Luhan knows the latter will be worried about him if he won’t answer the call, but he doesn’t want to bother Baekhyun. He doesn’t want to make him sad by hearing how broken he sounds that moment. So he ignored all of his calls. He closed his eyes and he fell asleep minutes later, tears still freely flowing from his eyes.

 

When he woke up the next day, he sent Baekhyun a message saying that he’s sorry for not being able to pick up the call last night for he fell asleep early. After seeing how puffy his eyes had been, he decided to called in sick and not go to the cafe.

 

The day after that, which luckily happens to be his free day, he went to Jongdae’s studio to gave the latter a surprise visit. He had baked chocolate cupcakes for him and Jongdae to enjoy and brought freshly squeezed fruit juices too. They talked about everything and Luhan confessed what happened 2 nights ago. What Jongdae had said still registered in his mind.

 

“Not being able to move on in a span of 3 years is okay, Luhan. Moving on is not a battle you need to win in a short time span. Wounds and scars heal at their own pace. You need not to force yourself to forget the pain or suppress it. It will only hurt more afterwards if you do so. You’re not a robot, Luhan. Feeling pain is okay because you’re human. Human bleeds and wavers from time to time. And the fact that you still love Sehun up until now, it’s beautiful right? Because you have truly loved him and even if it’s not reciprocated, be happy. At least you got the chance to love and have your heart broken and you had learn a lesson or two afterwards”

 

His parents didn’t make it for the spring festival, but Ren had. It was one early morning when he heard his doorbell being rung and when he opened it, someone jumped in his arms, making them stumble backwards. Laughter filled the living room as the two wrestled on the floor, both not wanting to lose. Their wrestling contest ended when Ren accepted defeat. Though smaller than him, his hyung is strong and he knows that fact too well.

 

Ren stayed with him only for 3 days because he still needs to finish a lot of things too back in Seoul. Ren informed him that he’s getting engaged in two months time and the marriage is set to happen 5 months after that.

 

They spent those days touring around and attending the spring festival. Ren got to meet Minseok and Jongdae too during his stay and he was warmly welcomed by the two in their humble household.

 

Days passed by in a blur and it was already Luhan’s birthday. Baekhyun wasn’t able to take the early flight so he won’t see him till much later. Minseok and Jongdae are currently in Seoul. They decided to come home for Minseok’s birthday and they’ll be gone for two months. Kris is already back in China and starting his own business. So technically speaking Luhan is alone for his birthday. Mr. Herman and a few other neighbors visited him and gave him presents, some even gave him food. Luhan spent his morning outside, strolling down the busy streets, all the while avoiding to go at the park or downtown. It’s his day and he wants to at least feel happy and not going to places that reminds him of Sehun should do the trick.

 

He went back in his apartment at 2:00 p.m. and opened up a wine bottle which he got from the lady who lives two doors away from him. He reached for the wine glass in his cupboard and poured some of the red liquid in it. He held the glass up and swirl its content, loving the color and the aroma of the wine he is about to drink. He sipped from the glass, testing the wine’s taste, and drank more of it, liking the savory taste of the bittersweet liquid.

 

He took out his wallet and stared at the only picture he kept inside it. He pulled it out and placed it on the table, putting his wallet beside it. He grabbed a chair and sat on it and picked up the picture he was holding earlier. A picture of him and Sehun. Sehun’s nose was rubbing against his in the picture. They both have their eyes closed, both wearing an identical smile. They didn’t look like strangers in the picture, they look like they share something more between them. Luhan laughed at the thought because they did, and it was his fault that that something was put to an end. Because he was a coward. Because he doubted Sehun’s love for him.

 

“I miss you” he whispered oh so faintly, wishing the wind will deliver his message to Sehun. He put the picture down and ducked his head, his arms limply falling into his side.

 

Before he knew it, tears had already started to trickle down his face, and the wine bottle is now already half-empty. He didn’t heard the doorbell being rung. What he only knows is that he’s hurting once again. The ache in his chest, the breaking of his heart, the tears in his eyes, the long gone memories, Sehun.

 

He felt himself being turned around and being pulled into warm clothes, a pair of slender arms giving him comfort, his soothing voice making him feel that he’s not alone. With hazy eyes, he looked up at the person who’s holding him right now - Baekhyun.

 

Luhan smiled at Baekhyun before burying his face on the other’s chest, his tears stainng the latter’s sweater. He felt delicate fingertips running in his locks and a gentle hand rubbing his back.

 

“Baekhyun” he mumbled,

 

“Yes, darling?” Baekhyun whispered softly but enough for Luhan to hear.

 

“I miss him, Baek. I’m going crazy” Luhan confessed, his voice shaking and broken, “I know it was me who left him first and it’s just… it’s okay that he… he had already found another but he said… he … Sehunnie… he told me he’ll wait and… and I thought he would… that he could”

 

“Hush, Lu. You’re okay, it’s okay” Baekhyun comforted him, wanting to at least somehow make Luhan feel at ease.

 

“Is it too late already, Baek? Can’t we really be together? Doesn’t he love me anymore?”

 

“Shh, darling it’s okay, you’ll be okay” Baekhyun gave Luhan’s back gentle and his other hand continue on brushing his hair softly.

 

“I want to see Sehun again, Baekhyun. He needs to know that I’m sorry, that I… that Luhan wants… he wants to…” Luhan stopped mid-sentence and just broke down, his arms tightly wrapped around Baekhyun’s waist.

 

Baekhyun just let him cry. It doesn’t matter if Luhan ruined his sweater, as long as he can let out all the emotions he had bottled up inside of him. He’s heard Luhan broke down because of the same man before but it’s his first time seeing him like this. It’s his first time seeing Luhan so broken. Maybe he loves the man so much that is why. He spotted the picture on the table and saw Luhan with another man. So maybe this is Sehun. He picked up the picture with his left hand, his right hand still rubbing Luhan’s back. One glance at the picture and Baekhyun saw nothing but two persons happily indulging in each other’s presence.

 

Baekhyun had already put Luhan on the bed. The latter was already too tired so he coaxed him to sleeping. Luhan is still sobbing, his eyes half-open, the name Sehun still escaping his lips every time like a mantra. Luhan’s hand is gripping the sheets, the other hugging his knees close to his chest. Baekhyun looked at him. He wants to know who Sehun was so in hopes that he knows something about Sehun, he dialed Ren’s number.

 

Ren was awaken by his phone going off. His Baekhyun-hyung is calling him. He knows he’s with Luhan so without any hesitation, he picked the phone up.

 

“Baekhyun-hyung, hello” he greeted, “is something the matter? Is Luhan hyung drunk?” he asked.

 

“Hello, Ren. Nothing’s wrong, Luhan’s drunk but he’ll fall asleep any minute from now for sure, he’s already in bed” Baekhyun explained to him.

 

“So is there any other reason why you’re calling?” he inquired

 

“Uh, yes. I sent a picture to you, did you received it already?”

 

Ren looked in his inbox and he saw an attachment from Baekhyun, “yes, hyung”

 

“Can you look at the person in the picture and tell me if you remember him? He’s Oh Sehun, if I remembered it correctly. Luhan met him here and something happened between them, and Luhan really wants to talk to him, he’s crying over that same guy for so long now”

 

“O-Oh Se…hun?” with shaking fingers he tapped on the message he received from Baekhyun. They can’t be the same person right? There are a lot of people named Oh Sehun in Korea and in any part of the world. It can’t be him right? Luhan’s not the Lulu Sehun had mistaken him for before right? When he saw the picture Baekhyun sent, Ren felt his whole world crumbling down.

 

His Luhan hyung’s Oh Sehun is his fiancee. The Lulu he tried replacing in Sehun’s heart. The Lulu who had sent Sehun a lot of mails, text messages and had called Sehun’s number numerous times.

 

Ren wanted to laugh at their situation. He wanted to laugh at the cruelty of fate. He wants to call out destiny for playing with his life big time. And lastly, he wanted to hurt himself so bad, more especially when he heard his Luhan hyung wailing on the other line, calling out for Sehun while Baekhyun tries to calm him down. Guilt starts to eat him on the inside. His hyung is hurting and it’s because of him. Of his selfishness. Of his insecurities.

 

“Baekhyun-hyung, I… I don’t know hi…him. I’m sorry” he muttered before ending the call and drowning in his miseries.

 

Luhan-hyung, Ren-ah is sorry.

 

 

Luhan received a call from Ren a month and a half later, saying that he needs his help on something and that he needs to go home because of it. It’s a good thing that Minseok’s already back at the cafe so they only need to look for another part-timer to fill in Luhan’s place. Their manager is a kind woman so without any difficulty, he gained her permission to be absent from work until he’s done with what Ren wants him to do.

 

Upon setting foot at Incheon International Airport, Luhan heaved a deep sigh. It’s good to be back to the place where he grew up. It’s good to be back home. But he’s also terrified of bumping into the wrong person one day.

 

He was fetched at the airport by Baekhyun and Chanyeol, with his parents. He was informed by Ren beforehand that he won’t be able to come at the airport for he needs to do some preparation for his upcoming wedding. Ren also told him that he will meet Ren’s fiancee during dinner.

 

His parents were crying as they welcomed the running Luhan into their arms. Luhan wrapped his arms around both of his parents and mumbled the words I miss you very much repeatedly. Their hugging session lasted for minutes, with no one wanting to pull out. Next to hug him was Baekhyun who instantly pulled him into his arms. Baekhyun rubbed his back, promising him that he won’t be alone here in Seoul during his stay and that he will break Sehun’s face for making his best friend cry and for hurting him very much once he sees him. Luhan chuckled at Baekhyun’s statement but he’s somewhat looking forward to it. He motioned for Chanyeol to join them too to which the latter complied, enveloping him and Baekhyun inside his strong, long arms.

 

Once they arrived at the Lu’s residence, a buffet was already waiting for them at the dining room. Different dishes, which turns out to be Luhan’s favorites, were placed on the table. The food that Luhan is really looking forward to consuming is the strawberry cake placed at the center.

 

Upon Mrs. Lu’s request, they all set down and started eating. Laughter and stories were shared, and Luhan felt a warm feeling inside his chest. He’s finally home and he’s looking forward to spending more days, or months, with them.

 

After lunch, the Baekyeol couple said their words of thanks