The 20th of October.

The night was cold and misty, a hint of the upcoming Christmas. It’s not even Friday yet everyone was almost rushing home, unable to withstand the chilling wind. But among the busy crowd, a man remained sitting on one of the park’s benches. It was already 7 p.m but the young man shows no sign of wanting to go home. He just remained there, letting the cold wind hit him and seep right through his frail body.

“Luhan, I hate to bring you this news but based on your test results, your body shows no sign of recovering from your disease. I’m afraid that you only have, more or less, a year to live” his cardiologist, Dr. Zhang, had told him earlier

“I’m afraid that you only have, more or less, a year to live”

“you only have, more or less, a year to live”

“more or less, a year to live”

“a year”

Said man wiped the tears that had rolled down his pale cheeks. Luhan knows he can die anytime but he didn’t expect it to be this soon. Luhan still has a full life to live. Luhan does not want to die yet.

Coronary heart disease. Luhan started showing symptoms of this terminal disease when he was 13. He was born with a weak heart, that was what his mom told him so as a kid, Luhan was always in the hospital and one time, while he was having his soccer practice, he coughed blood and fainted and after some tests, they found out that he was sick. The doctor told them that cholesterol accumulates on his artery walls thus creating plaques, resulting to the narrowing of his arteries. With his arteries narrower than normal, the supply of oxygen-rich blood became too low. The saddest part of this is that his coronary arteries cannot be cured. Since then, his parents became extra careful with him. Luhan was treated carefully like a fragile chinaware. He’s been taking medications to control the build-up of fats on his arteries. But then, it turned out that all their efforts were all futile for Luhan will still end up dying due to his disease.

“Isn’t there any way?” a sobbing Luhan asked with hopeful eyes.

“I’m afraid there isn’t, Luhan. We tried every surgery with you but nothing worked and if we persist on doing the heart transplant, chances that it will become successful will only be 10%, that is if you won’t suffer from heart attack during the operation” Dr. Zhang said with full conviction.

Luhan hated how sure Dr. Zhang had sounded during that time. He already told his parents about his condition and his mother cried throughout the call. His father asked him if he was willing to undergo the operation. He wasn’t. What’s the point even? He will still end up dead. And he wanted to die the soonest. Luhan is already tired. His pain is already unbearable. He faints at least 5 times a week, cough blood occasionally, gets dizzy, experience a terrible migraine and go through every cruel pain that comes with his disease. So why prolong his pain more and risk his life for something unsure? But he won’t tell them that. Luhan didn’t like to show any sign of weakness so he kept all these feelings inside of him. His condition is already hopeless so why made a fuzz about it and tone the drama higher?

Minutes after, he felt a warm hand being placed atop his shoulder followed by a person taking a seat beside him.

“I know you’ll be here, and I heard what happened thru your Mom. I am not here to feel sorry for you, I just want to remind you that you don’t have to go through this alone. You have us, hmm?” Baekhyun squeezed his hand and Luhan wanted to do nothing but cry because of everything that’s happening to him. It’s all too ed up to be true. Real ed up!

“I know, it’s just that I want to breathe for a while. It’s hard, you know? Knowing that I can die anytime soon is hard. But I’ll be okay. Everyone dies at the end. Sure, I’m still young but if this is what’s written on my stars, then I’ll die happily. I just have to make the most out of my remaining days, right?” Luhan stared at Baekhyun and flashed him a reassuring smile. He gently squeezed Baekhyun’s hand.

“Luhan, why are you like this?” a bewildered Baekhyun asked.

“What do you mean, Baek?”

“Why are you acting like it’s nothing to you? That you’rre fine with what’s happening?”

“I’m not acting, it’s what I really feel? Why? Did you expect me to cry and shout at the world for being unfair? Baek, that’s not gonna happen. Crying won’t do anything. I will still die.” Luhan stated, his voice firm.

“Lu, you won’t die! I won’t let that happen! We can still find a way!” Baekhyun knows that shouting at Luhan isn’t good but he can’t help it. Luhan is testing his patience. How could he say those words easily? How can he tell him that he’s dying in the most natural way possible?

Luhan didn’t intend to, but he scoffed at Baekhyun. “What now, Baek? You’re a doctor now or something? I’m not dumb, Baek. I understand Dr. Zhang’s words clearly. He said I only have 10% of surviving, that is if I won’t experience heart attack during the operation!”

“But that’s still 10%! It’s better than none!”

“How can it be better when I am not even sure if I’ll make it till the end of the operation? What if I die during the operation? Baekhyun, I’m already tired. If you think I wanted this to happen, then you’re wrong! You didn’t know the pain I have to go through every time!”

“But I saw it and I can feel your pain too! I was there with you since you found out that you were sick!”

“But you don’t understand! I don’t want to go through the pain again! I want it to end already!” Luhan hates crying but that is what he is doing now. He hates crying for it was never good for him. He can feel his chest tightening, and he is now having trouble breathing.

“Then suit yourself! If you want to die, then go! Why did I even tried to convince you otherwise?!” With that Baekhyun stood up and turned his back on Luhan. Luhan called for him and he tried chasing him. Baekhyun can feel Luhan’s presence behind him, but then seconds after the latter stopped calling for him and then he heard a loud thud.

He turned around and saw Luhan lying on the ground. That moment, Baekhyun wanted nothing but to beat himself up. How can he say those things to Luhan? He could have had understood where the latter is coming from. He knows it’s not easy for Luhan, too. If he’s hurting, Luhan is hurting a lot more. Baekhyun rushed to his side and immediately called his driver. Baekhyun knows how Luhan hated waking up in the hospital so he opt to just bring him home. He immediately dialed Luhan’s mom’s number and told her that Luhan passed out. Minutes after, Luhan was already on his own bed and was being monitored by his personal doctor.

Dr. Zhang told them that Luhan just lost consciousness due to fatigue but he’ll wake up soon and will be fine. He bid them goodbye, half an hour later. Baekhyun stayed by Luhan’s side, his eyes now wet with tears.

“I’m sorry, Lu. I didn’t mean what I said. I don’t want you to die. Hang in there Lu, please?”

Seeing Luhan like this - with an oxygen mask on - pains Baekhyun. Seeing Luhan in pain hurts Baekhyun, too.

Baekhyun loves Luhan so much, he isn’t sure what would happen to him if his best friend died. He won’t know what will happen to him if the only home he has will be gone. Baekhyun can’t help but hope for the heaving of Luhan’s chest will never come to a stop.

But if you can’t