Limbo

Chapter 15: Soul Fracture

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Despite his mother’s promise, Jongdae still found himself unprepared as he stared down at his hands, looking very much like a wilted bean sprout. His mother looked much calmer than she did yesterday, and his father continued to carry himself with an air of tranquility. Even Jongdeok was quiet as he fetched Jongdae another bottle of water. Jongdae couldn’t shake off the fear that they would ship him off to a mental hospital. He wished Baekhyun was here. At least his best friend wholeheartedly believed him, even if Baekhyun hadn’t always been supportive.

His mother’s weary voice cut through the silence. “Why didn’t you tell us anything?”

Jongdae would have bowed his head lower if he could. “Thought you would think I was sick,” he rasped. His throat had healed well in the past few days, and the doctor had given Jongdae permission to speak as long as he didn’t strain his voice.

His family didn’t have anything to say to that, knowing that even if they didn’t send Jongdae away, they still wouldn’t have truly believed him if he had chosen to speak up about Limbo.

After a long, tense moment, Jongdae’s father spoke, “Alright, alright. Let’s not dwell on the what-ifs. Jongdae-ah, how have you been paying for the appointments with Dr. Zhang?”

“That time when I won those scholarships and had extra money after paying for my school things, you guys told me to keep the money in case of emergencies,” Jongdae explained, “I used that.”

His father hummed. “From now on, mom and dad will help you pay, so save the money for after you graduate and need to get your own place.”

At that, Jongdae finally looked up to stare at his parents with wide eyes. “Wait, really?”

“We have already discussed it with Dr. Zhang,” his mother sniffed, “We will be paying for your future appointments. Dr. Zhang warned us that you might need someone to talk to after experiencing something so frightening.”

Jongdae never cried, not when he was angry, frustrated, or even upset. Yet, when he heard his parents announce their support for him, something within him broke, and the tears came flowing out. They fell silently at first, but as Jongdae’s mother reached out, embraced him, and ran a soothing hand through his hair, Jongdae allowed himself to cry as loudly as he did back when Minseok died. As Jongdae buried his face in his mother’s shoulder, he felt his father and his brother join the hug, both murmuring their own words of comfort.

By the time the tears stopped, Jongdae’s throat was sore and he couldn’t speak without feeling a throbbing pain. He wished that his larynx hadn’t been damaged so he could talk to his family and friends for extended periods of time without pain and quietly pouted as he sulked over his bothersome injury.

However, Jongdae hadn’t realized how much the assault had mentally wounded him until he returned to Limbo that night. The ruined city was no longer there, gone like the soul of Junmyeon’s ex, but its shadows lingered like a tenacious stain on an immaculate rug, haunting Jongdae with the memories of hateful hands around his neck. A twig snapped behind him, and Jongdae flinched and spun around with his arms raised for protection. Junmyeon stared back at him, posture just as tense as though expecting Jongdae to lash out at him. Upon seeing the familiar face, Jongdae moved one hand to the back of his neck and let the other drop to dangle limply at his side, trying to act as though he hadn’t reacted defensively.

Junmyeon looked as though he had been through a vacuum and then spat back out, and honestly, Jongdae wasn’t surprised. Dr. Zhang had told him bits and pieces about how Junmyeon was faring, and Jongdae was just glad that there was somebody around to keep Junmyeon grounded while Jongdae was in the hospital.

Jongdae swallowed and shuffled his feet. “Hyung.”

Junmyeon stepped closer. “Jongdae?” he said in a hoarse voice, “You’re back?”

Junmyeon didn’t wait for Jongdae to answer as he reached out with trembling arms. In the end, Junmyeon was unsure about what to do, so his hands hovered in the air before dropping back down. “The medium…Zhang Yixing…he told me you were hospitalized because your voice box was damaged.” He gave Jongdae an expectant look.

Jongdae nodded in confirmation. “It was, but it’s better now.”

Junmyeon didn’t look convinced. He reached out and touched Jongdae’s jaw, tilting Jongdae’s chin up to examine the fading bruises around Jongdae’s neck. Jongdae let him, relishing in the gentle care that contrasted so much with his mother’s pushy supervision. Junmyeon’s fingers brushed over the discolored spots like a feather, light enough that the bruises didn’t throb upon contact.

Junmyeon withdrew his fingers too soon. “I’m sorry.”

Jongdae sighed and couldn’t help but smile a little at how predictable Junmyeon was. “Why are you apologizing? I’ll be perfectly fine. It’s okay.”

Junmyeon shot him an exasperated look and didn’t smile back.

Jongdae cleared his throat and let his smile slide off his face as he tentatively reached out to hold Junmyeon’s hand. “Really, my larynx will be as good as new in a few more days. Besides, you weren’t the one who hurt me,” he added when Junmyeon’s expression didn’t change.

The steel in Junmyeon’s eyes disappeared, leaving a heavy gloom in its wake. Jongdae didn’t know what he could say that would convince Junmyeon that it wasn’t his fault. In the end, he settled with inquiring after Junmyeon’s wellbeing.

“How have you been?” he asked, “Dr. Zhang told me that he’s been visiting you to help you through your panic attacks.”

“He has,” Junmyeon admitted, “I didn’t let him come near at first since he was a stranger, but then he said he knew you. Plus, I was already at my lowest and figured that I couldn’t fall any further, so…”

As the words trailed off, Junmyeon suddenly jumped and turned to stare through the trees. Jongdae immediately stiffened, every sense going on high alert as he searched for a hidden threat, half-expecting Junmyeon’s ex to come sprinting at them with murderous intent.

“What is it?” he asked when nothing happened.

Junmyeon shuddered a little. “It’s – I thought I saw him, even though he’s gone forever.” He tore his gaze away to stare down at the forest floor. “Dr. Zhang told me that I destroyed his soul when I…killed him again and that it’s impossible for him to even reincarnate now, but sometimes, I swear he’s going to find a way back and finish what he started.”

Jongdae understood Junmyeon’s fears completely, having woken up from his own fair share of nightmares since the attack. Now that he thought about, he realized that he had developed an aversion towards people approaching him from behind without a sound and realized that his family and friends now called out his name before touching him. They must have noticed his reactions to being surprised and made adjustments to ensure that he would be comfortable.

“I know,” Jongdae said, “It feels like he’s watching and waiting for us to let down our guard.”

Junmyeon nodded, and the two of them sat in silence. Jongdae didn’t know what to say, but in the end, he didn’t need to say anything as the two of them stood in the comfort of each other’s presence. The only time someone spoke was when Jongdae asked if Junmyeon wanted to sit.

As the two of them settled at the roots of a tree, Junmyeon murmured, “Thank you for saving me that time.”

“You saved me, too,” Jongdae reminded.

“I could only do that because you saved me first. I felt like I was going to be sick the entire time I was chasing after you.”

“But you still did it,” Jongdae argued, “That was very brave.”

Junmyeon didn’t respond.

At Jongdae’s next appointment with Dr. Zhang, the medium brewed Jongdae and Baekhyun an herbal tea. Jongdae didn’t recognize the dark amber color of the drink but still drank it without complaint. Its bitterness made him wrinkle his nose and smack his lips. Beside him, Baekhyun wasn’t faring any better as the tip of his tongue poked out from between his lips.

When Jongdae peeked up from his cup of tea, Dr. Zhang was swirling his teabag around in his own mug with meditative, unhurried motions. Seeing the medium’s relaxed countenance eased some of the tension in Jongdae’s shoulders, and he took another sip of the tea, trying to swallow the hot liquid before the bitter taste could saturate his tongue. It didn’t work as well as he hoped it would.

The silence lasts longer than Jongdae expected, so he glanced up again to see what Dr. Zhang was doing only to find the other fixing him with a piercing gaze. He froze a little before setting his cup down, shooting Baekhyun a confused look. For the longest five seconds, Dr. Zhang’s stare didn’t let up, leaving Jongdae fidgeting in his seat until he finally grew uncomfortable enough to blurt out, “Is there something wrong?”

Upon hearing Jongdae’s question, the medium’s eyes lost their intensity, and Dr. Zhang also lowered his teacup with a soft smile. “Apologies. I was assessing the state of your soul. It appears that you’ve sustained a soul fracture.”

Jongdae’s stomach did a little spin. “And?” he prompted, interlocking his fingers so that he wouldn’t wring his wrists out of nerves.

It was almost completely inaudible, but Jongdae thought he heard Dr. Zhang sigh. The medium took another sip of his tea and then said, “The damage is not enough to be severely threatening, but you have lost several pieces of your soul to Limbo.”

Jongdae had no clue what that entailed, but he knew it had to be something bad. “So what does that mean?”

Dr. Zhang took a little longer to respond this time. His gaze became unfocused, as though something else had snatched his attention away. Jongdae and Baekhyun were used to this now, so they waited patiently for Dr. Zhang to snap out of his trance. Like with all his previous stupors, the medium surfaced swiftly and with a sincere apology before continuing their conversation.

“It isn’t as bad as you think,” Dr. Zhang reassured, “At most, the soul fracture should only translate to a slight inability to focus and maybe a mood swing here or there, but you should be able to continue living as you have been without much change.”

“Will this soul fracture get worse with time?” Baekhyun questioned.

Dr. Zhang shook his head. “No, but it will not get better either. I’m afraid that Jongdae-ssi’s soul will remain like this for the rest of his life.”

As the two of them spoke, Jongdae thought back to all the times the medium lost his focus on the task at hand, and when there was a lull in the conversation, he took the opportunity to ask, “Your soul is fractured, too, right?”

Dr. Zhang regarded him for a moment before offering a mirthless smile. “It is.”

“How do you cope?”

The medium inclined his head in the direction of Jongdae’s cup. “Tea helps with the anxiety that develops,” he said, “and meditation is good for strengthening the mind when the soul falls short, but in the end, it really just boils down to getting used to it. As far as I know, healing the soul is impossible. When you lose pieces of your soul to Limbo, there’s no way to get them back, and you’re just…not all there anymore.”

“But technically, Jongdae’s soul fracture could worsen, couldn’t it?” Baekhyun rebutted, “Since he’s probably going to keep seeing Junmyeon in Limbo, and Junmyeon might hurt Jongdae again in another panic attack.”

Jongdae bristled slightly at the insinuation. “I saw Junmyeon last night, and he didn’t hurt me at all.”

“Baekhyun-ssi,” Dr. Zhang interrupted before they could get into an argument, “has a valid concern. However, I have provided some counseling for Junmyeon-ssi in Limbo while Jongdae-ssi was hospitalized, and Junmyeon-ssi has made some progress. The chances of Jongdae-ssi getting hurt is small.”

Jongdae had just started to relax when Dr. Zhang added, “Besides, there is a chance that Junmyeon-ssi won’t be remaining in Limbo for much longer.”

At that, Jongdae’s stomach plummeted. “What do you mean?”

Dr. Zhang smiled ruefully. “Do you remember what I told you about why a dead person’s soul could end up in Limbo?”

“Lingering resentment, can’t accept their death, unanswered questions,” Jongdae recited.

“Emotional scars,” Baekhyun tacked on quietly.

“Precisely.” Dr. Zhang nodded, “Junmyeon-ssi’s last meeting with his abuser ended up being a way for him to free himself from his past.”

“He was still terrified when I saw him last night,” Jongdae said.

“That wasn’t what I meant,” Dr. Zhang clarified as he refilled their cups of tea, “I was talking about the moment Junmyeon-ssi killed his abuser to protect you. At that time, he was able to prioritize your safety over his fear and act accordingly. That’s already a sign that he is on the road to recovery, and hence, his soul is preparing to be reincarnated and will be leaving Limbo soon.”

Jongdae leaned back on the couch and looked at Dr. Zhang. “Is that how it was with Kris?” he asked softly.

Dr. Zhang nodded. “It was.”

Jongdae’s shoulders slumped, and he lowered his head, not wanting to meet Dr. Zhang’s sympathetic gaze. Jongdae didn’t want any sympathy. He wanted Junmyeon to stay, but his desire was nothing compared to the new life that Junmyeon could start, one free from the pain and fear of his old one.

In the end, a happier life for Junmyeon would be worth everything.

I know I said it would probably take two weeks for me to finish this chapter but turns out it didn't, so surprise! xD
Judging by how smoothly things are going, Limbo will probably be finished in two weeks :o
Not sure if I'm sad that Limbo is ending or excited to start my next EXO fic (゜-゜)