Limbo

Chapter 16: Moving On

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Jongdae wanted to be happy that Junmyeon would resurrect and get a new life, and he genuinely was, but when he stood before Junmyeon that night, he couldn’t help but be a tad resentful that Dr. Zhang’s prediction turned out to be true.

He could just tell that something was off judging by the way Junmyeon silently looked at him, and Jongdae stared back at the trees and underbrush that he could see through Junmyeon’s fading figure.

After they both stood for a long moment, Junmyeon breathed in deeply. “I think,” he said carefully, “that I might be leaving Limbo.”

Jongdae’s fingers curled to form a fist. Then, he forced himself to relax again and uttered, “Oh.”

Junmyeon’s eyebrows twitched. “You don’t seem surprised,” he noted.

Jongdae shuffled his feet and lowered his gaze. “Dr. Zhang told me that you would be reincarnated soon. I just didn’t think it would be tonight.”

Junmyeon nodded. “I didn’t think it would be this early either when Dr. Zhang told me that I could be reincarnating soon.”

At that, Jongdae raised an eyebrow and repeated, “Dr. Zhang told you? When?”

“When you were in the hospital,” Junmyeon explained, “He told me during one of the counseling sessions he offered for me, free of charge.” He smiled and looked at Jongdae expectantly.

Jongdae furrowed his eyebrows, wondering what it was that Junmyeon found so funny, and then it hit him. Junmyeon’s shoulders were shaking in full-blown laughter as Jongdae pouted and whined, “Hyung, your jokes are so not funny!”

Despite his complaint, Jongdae eventually found himself smiling because Junmyeon’s happiness was contagious. It took several minutes for them to calm down. Once the snickers dissipated, the air of solemnity returned in full force.

There was something still bugging Jongdae, and he knew that it was from a time long ago, back when he blurted out his attraction to Junmyeon in a fit of desperation. Junmyeon hadn’t mentioned anything about it since, hadn’t even given a hint that he remembered Jongdae’s confession, and by now, Jongdae had given up on the prospect of ever receiving a response.

Except Junmyeon suddenly reached forward and held Jongdae’s hands, saying, “Do you remember that night when you first saw me having a panic attack? And then you said that you…liked me.”

So much for never speaking of that again. Jongdae swallowed, feeling as though there was a beehive in his stomach and somebody had just walloped it with a bat. “Yeah…?”

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Junmyeon explained, “About when we first met, when you kept coming back to just talk to me, and when you saved me from him.”

Junmyeon paused then, and Jongdae waited for him to continue with bated breath.

“I think a part of me does like you,” Junmyeon confessed, “but the bigger part of me is still caught up with my past relationship, so…”

Jongdae let out the breath he had been holding. “I understand,” he said, giving Junmyeon’s fingers a reassuring squeeze. Junmyeon squeezed back.

Something moved behind Junmyeon, and Jongdae looked past him to see the blank, gray canvas that was once covered in pine trees. The forest behind Junmyeon was crumbling, flakes of gray fluttering away as though they were bits of paper being carried by a breeze. Junmyeon’s face adopted a wistful look, and Jongdae knew that the trees behind him were also disappearing.

“It’s hard to believe,” Junmyeon murmured, “that this endless world is actually ending.”

“I’ll look for you,” Jongdae said despite having no way of knowing where Junmyeon would reincarnate. Would it be in South Korea, or perhaps all the way across the world in America? Or maybe the universe would drop Junmyeon in Nigeria? Would Junmyeon still be called Junmyeon, or would he adopt a completely different name? Finding Junmyeon would be impossible, and even if it happened, Jongdae doubted that Junmyeon would even remember him. Since the beginning, their relationship had been doomed to fade away, just like how Junmyeon’s forest was doing now.

Junmyeon must have known that it was all just wishful thinking, yet he still smiled and replied, “I’ll look for you, too.”

Jongdae felt the wetness running down his cheeks, but he neglected to wipe it away in favor of holding onto Junmyeon’s hands. He was still clinging to them when he himself began to fade, and he thought he saw a tear escape Junmyeon’s eye as well. Then, he was blinking himself awake in his dorm room as tears leaked from the corners of his eyes in silent rivulets.

Since his classes were entering their review period in preparation for the finals, Jongdae decided to take a day off and stay in his room, mindlessly sketching as he tried to make progress on his graduation project and distract himself from Junmyeon.

Perhaps the rumor that artists get more creative when dejected was true, because it didn’t take long for Jongdae to think of an idea for his project. He mulled it over at first, tapping his pencil on his sketchbook before he opened his laptop and opened a search page. The rest of the day was filled with Jongdae looking up things on the Internet and drawing flowers in his sketchbook.

The next day, Jongdae put together an outline of the final piece and did last-minute checks to make sure that the flowers would be as realistic as possible. Three days before the project was due, Jongdae placed a canvas panel onto his easel, prepared his paints, and began to draw.

On the day of finals, Jongdae carefully hung his project on the wall, taking extra care to make sure that it wouldn’t slip if he let go. He could hear the click-clacking of his professor’s shoes as she walked up and down the aisles, surveying the pieces before she would actually speak to them one-by-one. Her footsteps stopped behind him, so Jongdae turned around to see her scrutinizing his project.

“Haven’t you drawn that man before?” she asked with a nod at his piece.

“Ah, yes, once, in class,” Jongdae answered, rubbing his neck as he gave his art a cursory glance.

His professor gave a short hum. “I suppose he is not quite a stranger anymore then,” she said with a teasing lilt.

Jongdae laughed at that. “No, we’re friends now.” His cheeks heated when a voice that sounded suspiciously like Baekhyun’s uttered a snarky, Friends who kiss each other.

Thankfully, his professor didn’t seem to notice as she walked away to look over the projects of other students. Jongdae took the chance to pat his face a few times, hoping that his blush would go away before the professor returned to question him about his project for a grade.

Five minutes later, all of the students were standing beside their pieces, chattering to each other in low voices as the professor walked around with a clipboard, speaking to each student in turn about their art. Jongdae stood next to his painting, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and tugging at the sleeves of jacket as he waited for his turn.

When the professor finally reached Jongdae, she greeted him with a smile. “Kim Jongdae,” she murmured as she searched for his name on the roster and checked it off. “I’m glad to see you out of the hospital.”

Jongdae laughed. “I’m glad to be out of the hospital.”

The professor’s smile widened, and she turned to his painting. “Tell me about your piece,” she prompted.

Jongdae cleared his throat, angling his body so that it would be easier for him to see his work. “So, the inspiration for my painting was one of my friends. He…went through a lot in his lifetime, and when I met him, he was still…suffering from it, you know?” He paused in his explanation and looked at her, trying to gauge her thoughts. The professor nodded, encouraging him to continue.

“He was in a very low place when we first became friends, and at some point after, he hit rock-bottom,” Jongdae trailed off as he remembered Junmyeon’s panic attack and tears after destroying his abuser’s soul. His breath stuttered as he tried to continue his presentation, but the words remained stuck in his throat.

“What happened next?” His professor asked.

Jongdae grasped onto her soft and steady voice and used it to ground himself, forcing his mind to return to the present and focus on his artwork. “He got some help, and the last time I saw him, he was starting to heal. As you can probably tell, he’s the man right here.” He pointed at the painting of Junmyeon and flashed an awkward smile.

“He’s very handsome,” the professor chuckled as she wrote something down.

“Isn’t he?” Jongdae’s smile grin turned into a genuine one, and he gestured at the field of flowers at Junmyeon’s feet. “As for the landscape, I specifically chose daffodils and gladioli. Daffodils because they symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, and my friend is starting a new life. Gladioli represent strength, and my friend is one of the strongest people I know since he went through so much, but in the end, he keeps moving forward.”

“Impressive,” the professor commented quietly with a nod.

Lastly, Jongdae pointed to the hints of blue peeking through the clouds. “I also decided to paint clouds clearing from the sky, and my friend is looking up because he is headed towards a better and brighter future.”

The rest of his presentation went by swiftly, and before he knew it, Jongdae was picking up his bag and walking out of the classroom, feeling a thousand times lighter than before. As he turned the knob and pushed the door open, he glanced back at his painting, which was still hanging on the wall. The summer sun shone through the classroom window, bathing Junmyeon in a bright light. Then, the door swung shut, and Jongdae could no longer see his artwork anymore.

Jongdae didn’t wait for Baekhyun and Chanyeol to finish their finals, knowing that the two had plans to go out for a late lunch. Instead of joining them, Jongdae walked back to his dorm alone, dropping his bag onto his bed and scanning the suitcases that were scattered on his bedroom floor. He found an empty one and dragged it closer to his bed, moved his bag to the floor, and began packing away his blanket and sheets while listening to the chattering of students milling around the sidewalk outside.

He had just managed to stuff his pillow into the suitcase when he heard a faint knocking sound from the living room. Abandoning his task at hand, Jongdae went to open the door and blinked when he saw Jongin standing there looking as though he had committed a crime and needed a place to hide.

“Nini?”

One corner of Jongin’s mouth quirked up. “Hi, hyung.”

Jongdae stared back. He remembered seeing Jongin visiting him in the hospital after Jongdae ended up there for the second time, but the younger hadn’t spoken to him then. Jongin never did anything as blatant as fleeing whenever he and Jongdae were in proximity with one another, but there was an air of rigidity whenever Jongin answered the texts Jongdae sent him.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae asked, wondering why Jongin decided to show up without warning and act as though he hadn’t been lukewarm to Jongdae since their last hangout at the restaurant.

Jongin at least had the decency to look abashed, looking at the floor and shuffling his feet. “Can I talk to you?”

Jongdae considered the things he still needed to pack and stepped aside, ushering Jongin into the dorm. “I can give you ten minutes.”

At that, Jongin eyed him in confusion. “Are you going somewhere?”

“My dad is picking me up soon. I’m going home.”

Jongin frowned. “Didn’t you, Baek-hyung, and Chanyeol-hyung agree to find an apartment in Seoul once you guys graduated?”

“I changed my mind,” Jongdae said shortly, “It still feels like Limbo has a grip on me, even though I haven’t been inside for more than a week. I need some time for myself.” He sat down on one end of the sofa and gestured for Jongin to sit beside him. “So why are you here?”

Jongin sat and stuffed his hands between his knees. “Well, first, I wanted to apologize. I…know that I’ve been kind of off-putting towards you for a while now without giving you a reason why, so yeah…I’m sorry.”

Jongdae raised an eyebrow. “Okay…I appreciate the apology, but do I get to know why you’ve been like that?”

He expected Jongin to bring up an instance of when Jongdae had said or done something careless and upset the younger, but he could not have been more wrong. Instead, Jongin’s brief explanation stunned him into silence. A cold blade of dread sank into Jongdae’s gut, making his body tense in response. Jongin’s words dragged themselves through one of Jongdae’s ears and out the ears, but Jongdae’s mind processed the sentences at lightning speed, repeating them over and over until they were all Jongdae could think about. A growing pressure in his chest alerted Jongdae to the fact that he had stopped breathing, and he inhaled as quietly as he could to avoid Jongin catching on.

The rest of the conversation passed in a blur, and Jongdae only remembered answering one of Jongin’s questions. Then, the ten minutes were up, and Jongin was leaving, offering Jongdae one last hug before stepping into the hall and shutting the door with a click.

Jongdae stood and stared for a moment before he shook his head and headed back to his room. Jongin would get the help he needed from someone else. Jongdae had already done what he could, and frankly, he didn’t want to be involved any longer, so he returned to packing.

Just as he finished hauling the last suitcase to the living room, Jongdae’s father arrived, and the two of them loaded the suitcases into the trunk and the backseat of the car. When Jongdae picked up the last suitcase, he paused and turned his head to cast one long look around the half-empty dorm, allowing himself one last reminisce of the times he spent goofing off and arguing with Baekhyun.

Jongdae might have let himself think of Junmyeon as well before he dragged his suitcase into the hallway and shut the door, locking it behind him.

And that's Suchen concluded! I warned you guys that the ending would be bittersweet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just the epilogue left :D I think you guys might end up hating me more after you read it lol

Due to school getting busier, I'm going to stop posting on AFF for a while after Limbo is finished. If you like my writing and want to continue reading my stories, then please follow me on AO3 instead <3