Limbo

Chapter 1: The Gray World

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Jongdae dreamed of a gray world.

This wasn’t the first time he dreamed of this place, nor was it the first time he found himself alone. Ever since he started waking up amidst the forest of pines, Jongdae knew he was the only living being there. There were no birds chirping in the trees, no squirrels foraging for nuts on the ground, and no fish swimming in the streams. A dense fog covered the sky, and even though it should have obscured any light filtering down, Jongdae had no problem seeing at all.

He had also long grown accustomed to walking through the forest alone. As far as he knew, the pines never came to an end, and he could walk in a straight line over the course of several nights and still be stuck in the forest.

Waking up from the gray world was something Jongdae liked. First, he would feel as though he was floating, and his body would fade until he could see the trees through his hand. Then, his vision would fade until everything turned black, and when he opened his eyes, Jongdae would be lying in bed, staring up at the white ceiling of his dorm room. It was a peaceful transition from sleep, one that Jongdae liked much more than jolting awake two hours before his alarm rings.

He woke slowly, and the dream followed him, pitching his room into a pool of gray. Jongdae laid on his bed for a few moments, eyes fixed on the numbers of his digital clock as he waited for the color to return to his surroundings. He blinked a few times and pushed himself up, squinting at the time displayed by the red, blaring numbers.

8:46 am.

Jongdae rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom to freshen up. Halfway through sliding his contact lenses into his eyes, his alarm rang. Jongdae ignored the incessantly loud beeping, choosing to finish up with his lenses before turning off the alarm. There was a dull thud on the other side of his bedroom wall, followed by the sound of someone cursing, as Jongdae left his room and headed to the kitchen to scavenge food from the refrigerator.

He had just pulled out some kimchi as well as the leftovers from a couple nights ago when there were footsteps approaching. Turning around, Jongdae was greeted by the sight of his roommate taking a seat at the table.

“You left your alarm on just to mess with me, didn’t you?” Baekhyun grumbled, running a hand through his messy, brown hair.

Jongdae’s mischievous grin didn’t waver. “Well, you do have class this morning, don’t you?”

“I could have gotten ten more minutes of sleep!” Baekhyun held up two fingers in front of his face, holding them about a centimeter apart, “Every little bit counts when you’re suffering in your last year of college!”

“You slept all weekend!” Jongdae reminded the other. “Waking up ten minutes early for one day isn’t going to kill you.”

“Jerk,” Baekhyun mumbled without venom, “What’s for breakfast?”

“Leftovers,” Jongdae said as he divided the food into two portions and heated one portion in the microwave. “How is your internship going?”

“It’s going great,” Baekhyun picked up a pair of chopsticks and picked at the kimchi, stuffing some of the fermented cabbage in his mouth. “They say they want to keep me around even after I graduate, so I will have a full-time job as soon as I finish college.”

“Are you serious?” The microwave beeped, and Jongdae took out the first plate of food, setting it in front of Baekhyun before heating up the second portion. “Fresh out of college, and you’ve already got your dream job! Who did you promise your firstborn to?”

Baekhyun snorted at the joke and made a series of mumbling sounds, unable to pronounce his words clearly due to the mouthful of food that he was chewing on, but Jongdae could see the smile resting on his best friend’s lips. The microwave sounded again, and Jongdae pulled the second platter out, sitting down across from Baekhyun and beginning to eat.

“Have you gotten an idea for your graduation project yet?” Baekhyun asked as he scooped the remaining bits of rice into his mouth.

“Nope,” Jongdae sighed, picking at the kimchi, “I had another dream last night though. Remember that dream I had last week of the gray forest?”

Baekhyun made a face. “No…? Oh, wait, I think I do. That lucid dream you had of you walking through a big forest?”

“Yeah, that,” Jongdae confirmed, “I dreamed the gray forest last night again. It was a lucid dream, like the one last week.”

“Just draw your recurring lucid dreams for your graduation project,” Baekhyun half-joked, getting up from his seat to wash his plate, “Make up some bull about the meaning behind the drawing.”

“I can’t do that!” Jongdae whined, taking another bite of kimchi.

Baekhyun snickered. “Well, you only have four more months. Better come up with something!” he teased the art major. Placing his plate noisily in the dish rack, the film student hurried to his room and grabbed his backpack and camera. “I’m going to head to class now. See you in the evening!”

“See you,” Jongdae replied just as the door slammed shut. Finishing off his breakfast, he washed his dishes and headed back to his room, sitting down in front of his laptop. The device had stayed on the entire night, and when Jongdae moved the mouse, the sunflower screensaver flickered back to the drawing program he had been using last night.

Jongdae picked up his drawing tablet and stared at the incomprehensible series of lines that he made last night. Touching the surface of the tablet with his pen, the artist scribbled aimlessly on the messy canvas, trying to drag an idea for his graduation project from the intersecting marks in front of him. Unfortunately, nothing was coming to mind, and after an hour of struggling with himself, Jongdae packed his bags with his drawing materials, put on his shoes, grabbed his keys and phone, and left the dorm.

His first class of the day didn’t start until early afternoon, so Jongdae spent the morning walking around Seoul, trying to find a muse for his graduation project. He considered the two squirrels who were chasing each other around a tree, but he had already drawn that for a past assignment. He visited a café and bought a latte, and as he observed the layer of foamy milk, he briefly thought about drawing the drink. However, that idea flew away as quickly as came, once again leaving Jongdae without any plans for his graduation project.

In the end, Jongdae sat down at a table outside of the café and started to draw the street. He sketched the layout from the view of a person standing in the middle of the road and looking straight down to the tall building that stood at the end, but halfway through adding details, he sighed and put his pencil down. The street no longer looked appealing.

The rest of the morning was spent with Jongdae sketching various flowers and animals that came to his mind. By the time noon rolled around, Jongdae had added three pages of drawings to his sketchbook. He closed the sketchbook, stuffing it and his pencil back into his bag, and swung the bag over his shoulder. On his way to class, Jongdae bought a sandwich and a bottle of soda from a convenience store on campus. There was no class before his, so Jongdae took a seat in the empty classroom and began to eat while doing more sketches.

As he took bites out of his sandwich, Jongdae’s mind strayed back to the gray world in his dreams. He thought about the silent forest, the unmoving trees, and the stream of water that he had come across last time.

Standing abruptly and startling the few students who had arrived in the classroom a few minutes ago, Jongdae threw out his sandwich wrapper. Then, he returned to his seat and picked up his pencil again, this time picturing the gray world in his head and as he outlined the trees and the ground.

To his dismay, the professor arrived shortly after, and Jongdae had no choice but to put his sketch away. For the next two hours, he reluctantly listened and jotted down notes in his notebook as the professor spoke of the role art played in cultures around the world.

Jongdae’s mind constantly wandered back to the incomplete drawing in his bag, and he didn’t realize when he started doodling pine trees on the borders of his notebook paper. However, the loud smack of the professor’s ruler hitting his desk made him flinch.

“I would appreciate it if you listened while I lectured, Kim Jongdae,” the professor said sternly. Embarrassed that he had been caught, Jongdae nodded meekly, and the professor went back to the front of the room.

Jongdae looked down at his notebook, noting how much of the lecture he had missed while sketching trees. The professor didn’t post any lecture notes online either, so Jongdae knew he was going to have to ask one of his classmates for the things that he missed.

Thankfully, he was acquainted with a few people in the class, and they were happy to lend him their notes for a moment so he could snap a photo with his phone to copy later. Jongdae thanked them when he was done, grabbed his bag, and dashed to his next class.

He was glad that the professor for Independent Study was so lenient and allowed the class to do whatever they wanted as long as they were studying art techniques. Jongdae immediately saw that class as an opportunity to continue his sketch of the forest. Pulling out his sketchbook and his pencil, Jongdae was already drawing when his seatmate arrived. They chatted together as they drew, Jongdae carefully shading in the trees with several green colored pencils that he had found in the room as his roommate practiced painting techniques.

When the end of class came around, Jongdae was putting the finishing touches on his drawing. The pines were fully green with lighter shades at the top and darker shades at the bottom. The earth was mostly brown with splashes of green, gray, and blue from the undergrowth and the stream that littered the ground.

Satisfied with his work, Jongdae quickly returned the colored pencils to where he found them and packed his bag, hurrying out the door with a hasty bow to the professor. It was only five-thirty in the evening, but the sun was already setting, so Jongdae quickened his pace into a jog and joined the crowd of students who had just gotten out of class and were on their way to the dorms.

By the time he got back to his dorm, the moon had replaced the sun in the sky. The lights in his dorm were on, signaling that Baekhyun was already back. Jongdae prayed that his best friend had gotten something good for dinner since he was starving. The art student unlocked the door and opened it. He was greeted by the sight of two bowls of jjajangmyeon with a box of green beans and fried chicken next to them. There was a rhythmic thumping of footsteps, and Baekhyun appeared in a ragged Harry Potter shirt and gray sweatpants.

“Finally!” The film major exclaimed, “I was beginning to think I was going to starve before you got back!”

After Jongdae placed his bag in his room, the two of them sat down at the dining table, eagerly shaking their jjajangmyeon bowls and tearing off the plastic cover when the contents were mixed. They ate messily, fighting each other over the pieces of chicken and laughing at the sauce that stained their chins.

It wasn’t long before they finished the food, and Jongdae briefly worried over what they would do for breakfast. With a proud smile, Baekhyun went to the fridge and pulled out a Tupperware filled with pastries, holding it high above his head like a trophy.

“Chanyeol made these for us,” Baekhyun said happily, “He knows we can’t cook to save our lives, so he baked enough to last the week.”

Jongdae couldn’t argue with that. Park Chanyeol, a music student and Baekhyun’s boyfriend, was indeed good at cooking. Baekhyun even had trouble with boiling water, so it was immediately agreed upon that Chanyeol would be the cook in the relationship, and Jongdae was the freeloader who got to eat Chanyeol’s food because he was Baekhyun’s best friend.

They washed the dishes together and then parted ways into their separate rooms. Jongdae closed his door and settled down in front of his laptop, picking up his drawing tablet and taking his sketchbook out of his bag. He flipped it open to an outline of a person that he had finished a few days ago and began copying it onto a blank canvas on his laptop. Taking his time, Jongdae carefully drew the face, followed by the head and shoulders. He lightly marked the hair, eyes, nose, and mouth, redrawing the mouth several times to get the poutiness to show.

At this point, Jongdae took a quick shower, flexing his stiff fingers under the steady stream of warm water. Once he was out, he took up his position in front of his laptop again and continued to draw, adding basic coloring and minor details that he had missed in the outline of the drawing.

When he was finally done, Baekhyun’s face stared back at him from the screen. The film major wore a neutral expression, one that Jongdae always saw when his friend was deep in thought. Baekhyun’s hair was a deep shade of purple, the same color it had been when Jongdae met him in middle school.

Jongdae smiled at his work and decided to start adding shadow. Halfway through Baekhyun’s hair, Jongdae heard the footsteps moving down the hall as the person he was drawing got ready for bed. There was the sound of water running, then Baekhyun shouting ‘good night’ from the hall. Jongdae replied absentmindedly as he saved his work and turned off his laptop, thinking that he should be heading to bed as well.

As he laid beneath his covers with his eyes closed, Jongdae heaved a deep sigh, willing his mind to focus on breathing evenly. After what felt like hours of not falling asleep, Jongdae sighed again and rolled over onto his side. He opened his eyes and was greeted by gray. Sitting up slowly, Jongdae looked around at the silent forest that was once again greeting him in his sleep.

A/N: Just wanted to say that I'm really excited to write this story, even though it's my first time writing anything that could potentially be triggering. I hope I can do a good job of writing it ;-;

'Til next chapter!