Limbo

Chapter 11: A Simmering Anger

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Jongdae tapped his fingers against his thigh as he sat in the passenger seat of Baekhyun’s car. His stomach turned restlessly as he reminded himself to take deep breaths. Over on the driver’s side, Baekhyun didn’t appear to be any better off. Jongdae could tell that his friend was just as nervous as he was by the way Baekhyun worried at his lower lip and fidgeted in his seat.

When they pulled up in front of a white house at the end of the street, Jongdae could have sworn that the drive only took ten seconds. He and Baekhyun unbuckled their seat belts, although neither of them made a move to exit the car. Instead, they remained seated, both attempting to calm the anxiety fluttering within their bodies.

At last, after exchanging glances, they left the car and walked up the steps to the front door. Jongdae found the doorbell and pressed it, jumping slightly when he heard the shrill screech through the door.

“That was loud,” Baekhyun mumbled from behind him.

As they waited for someone to open the door, Jongdae looked around at the front yard, trying to distract himself with the white flowerbeds and windchimes. The sight of the white petals and the sound of tinkling metal soothed his nerves a little. After all, someone who grew flowers and liked windchimes must be a nice and friendly person, right?

The faint sound of footsteps on the other side of the door brought Jongdae out of his musings. He straightened up and did his best to look confident and alert as the knob turned. The door opened to reveal a man who looked as though he had just woken up, but after giving the man another once-over, Jongdae realized that it was just the man’s eyes that made it seem as if the other had just gotten out of bed.

Then, the man smiled, revealing a small dip in one cheek. “Good morning. Are you Kim Jongdae?”

Jongdae wanted to whine at how handsome the other was. Luckily, he managed to compose himself enough to reply, “Yes, I’m Kim Jongdae. You’re Dr. Zhang Yixing, right?”

“I am,” Dr. Zhang confirmed. Then, his gaze slid from Jongdae to Baekhyun. “Is this your friend?”

“Oh, yes. This is Byun Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun bowed and politely shook Dr. Zhang’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you,” he said with a smile.

“Likewise.” Dr. Zhang stepped back and held the door open for them. “Please, come in.”

Jongdae crossed the threshold, marveling at the interior of Dr. Zhang’s house. He didn’t expect to see such an impeccably neat and well-kept home. There wasn’t a single stray mug on the coffee table or even scattered papers on the writing desk in the corner of the room. Jongdae was even willing to bet that the books on the bookshelf were organized alphabetically by author.

“Would you like something to eat or drink?” Dr. Zhang asked, “I have several different kinds of teas, and there are some chocolate chip cookies.”

Neither Jongdae nor Baekhyun could ever say no to chocolate. A few minutes later, both of them were sitting on a sofa in Dr. Zhang’s office, sipping lemon balm tea and munching on cookies while the doctor rifled through a couple of drawers of his filing cabinet.

“Your home is so clean,” Baekhyun commented as he glanced around, “Do you do it all yourself?”

Dr. Zhang glanced at him, offering a small smile. “Yes, I often dedicate weekends to maintaining my house and yard. I find it therapeutic.” He turned his attention back to his filing cabinet and pulled out a few files, flipping through them to make sure he had the right ones.

Jongdae and Baekhyun exchanged looks, both thinking about the mess that had taken up residence in their dorm since the beginning of last semester.

Dr. Zhang sat down on the sofa across from them and opened one of the files. “So from my understanding,” he began, “Jongdae-ssi has been seeing a gray world – that is Limbo – in his dreams for a while now, and less than a week ago, you two came across my information on the Internet and scheduled an appointment for an informational session about Limbo, correct?”

“Yes,” Jongdae and Baekhyun answered in unison.

Dr. Zhang nodded, scratching at his chin with the eraser tip of his pencil. “Is there anything else that I should know?”

Jongdae inhaled as though he was about to say something but quickly stopped himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Baekhyun glance at him.

One of Dr. Zhang’s eyebrows twitched. “Your reactions tell me yes,” he said with a half-smile.

“Well,” Jongdae hesitated, “I met a man called Kim Junmyeon in Limbo.”

Dr. Zhang made a sound of understanding and wrote something down on the file. “Did you speak to him?”

“Yes.” A bitter taste spread across Jongdae’s tongue. “I last saw him Thursday night.”

Dr. Zhang’s pencil paused over the paper. “That was the night of your hospitalization, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” Jongdae winced. He hoped Dr. Zhang wouldn’t notice, but the other proved to be sharper than Jongdae thought. Then again, he supposed Dr. Zhang wasn’t a psychiatrist for nothing.

“When was your most recent visit to Limbo? Was it Thursday night as well?”

Jongdae gaped. “How did you know?”

Dr. Zhang gave him a pleasant smile as he jotted a few more notes. “Just a guess. Based on the fact that you were hospitalized on Thursday night for sudden and unexplained vomiting that led to unconsciousness, I assumed that you were forced out of Limbo by an external force. Normally, the soul does not leave Limbo through such harsh means that would trigger a violent reaction such as yours. I’m glad to see that you’re feeling better, by the way,” he added, and Jongdae ducked his head with mumbled gratitude.

“How does the soul usually leave Limbo?” Baekhyun asked as he leaned forward in his seat.

“Hmm.” Dr. Zhang pursed his lips. “Well, for comparison, I suppose the normal way a soul leaves Limbo would be like those water fountains that some restaurants have. Quiet, smooth, and inconspicuous, you know?”

Jongdae and Baekhyun nodded as they imagined the small decorative fountains. Easy to miss if one wasn’t staring straight at it or didn’t hear the muted trickling of water.

“On the other hand,” Dr. Zhang continued, “the way Jongdae-ssi’s soul left Limbo on Thursday night would be like having a water balloon pop while you’re getting ready to throw it. It’s unexpected, sudden, and gives you a bit of a shock, doesn’t it? For your soul, it’ll be like getting jostled back into your body, and the soul is very fragile, so even the slightest bump can cause an extreme reaction.”

Jongdae hadn’t contemplated too hard on Limbo, but he still wasn’t shocked to hear that all of this was related to something as obscure as souls. However, that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious.

“So you’re saying that my soul has been traveling to Limbo most nights?” Jongdae questioned.

Dr. Zhang considered it for a moment. “Yes, I suppose you could say that. To be honest, I haven’t managed to ascertain the relation of Limbo to our world, but I have a theory that Limbo is like an alternate reality and only souls are able to cross the border between our worlds. Then again, I’m sure you’ve also realized that not every living person’s soul travels to Limbo at night.”

“Junmyeon told me,” Jongdae began slowly, trying not to wince at Junmyeon’s name, “that there are three reasons why a living person would go to Limbo. The person had to be a medium, suicidal, or about to die. Is this true?”

“The medium reason is one hundred percent true. I have personal experience with that one,” Dr. Zhang smiled, “I cannot say for the suicide reason since I don’t have enough data to make a reasonable theory, but I can guess that the last reason isn’t true, or at least, it occurs very rarely. If all the people who were approaching death were exposed to Limbo, then there would be no debate about whether or not Limbo is a hoax.”

After months of quietly worrying, Jongdae’s fear of a sudden death finally lifted, but now he had no idea why he would be visiting Limbo.

Fortunately, Dr. Zhang wasn’t done talking. “There’s another reason that Junmyeon-ssi didn’t know about, or at least, he didn’t mention it to you. Sometimes, a living person goes to Limbo because one of the dead souls is asking for help.”

“Asking for help?” Jongdae and Baekhyun echoed.

This time, Dr. Zhang didn’t reply right away. Instead, the psychiatrist’s gaze clouded over and became unfocused, as though his attention had drifted elsewhere. However, Dr. Zhang snapped out of the trance almost right away.

“Ah, yes.” Dr. Zhang fidgeted in his seat. “Asking for help…A dead soul occasionally draws a living soul to its space in Limbo. I’m not familiar with the mechanism behind it, unfortunately, since I have no way of studying the process. This is also a theory that I came up with after examining my case as well as that of a past patient.”

Jongdae thought back to Junmyeon’s murder case. “Is it asking for help as in helping them with whatever emotional scars they had when they died?”

“Precisely, although a soul could also be trapped in Limbo because of lingering resentment. I was also told that a soul might be in Limbo because they have unanswered questions or simply because they can’t accept their death. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to verify those reasons yet.”

“There are others who study Limbo like you?” Baekhyun asked.

Dr. Zhang’s smile turned rueful. “I wouldn’t know about that. I’m just repeating things that Kris told me. I met him in Limbo back when I was still studying as an undergraduate. It’s thanks to him that I chose to become a psychiatrist and a medium.”

“What exactly do you do as a medium? Can you enter Limbo whenever you want?” Baekhyun questioned before gulping down a mouthful of tea.

“Yes,” Dr. Zhang confirmed, “I can also choose which soul to visit as long as I know their name and the time of their death.”

There was a silence as Jongdae and Baekhyun digested that information. Then, Baekhyun said, “That is so surreal.”

Dr. Zhang laughed. “My previous patient said the exact same thing.”

A small ping came from Dr. Zhang’s phone. The medium glanced at it and said, “Our session is halfway done. Is there anything else that you want to ask?”

“Yes,” Jongdae replied straight away, “Why did my soul leave Limbo so violently on Thursday night? Is it because Junmyeon pushed me out? Like, can he even do that?”

“He can.” Dr. Zhang nodded. “The dead soul is able to expel the living soul out of Limbo, and it’s usually done when the dead one is overcome with a strong negative emotion like fear or anger.”

Jongdae sighed as he remembered Junmyeon’s labored breathing and trembling fingers. He really shouldn’t have tried to push Junmyeon so far that night. “I think he pushed me out because he was scared. I scared him somehow.” He explained how Junmyeon’s behavior had seemed off when Jongdae arrived in Limbo and everything that transpired afterward but was careful to leave out the part where he blurted out his confession. Baekhyun and Dr. Zhang didn’t need to know about that.

“It sounds like Junmyeon-ssi was having a panic attack when you arrived in Limbo,” Dr. Zhang mused, “What were the circumstances of his death?”

Baekhyun coughed. “ual assault…and murder.”

If the revelation shocked him, Dr. Zhang did a good job of hiding it. “I see,” he said as he wrote something down on his notes, “Then yes, it does sound like Junmyeon-ssi was having a panic attack, and he felt so threatened that he forced Jongdae-ssi out.”

Jongdae nodded slowly. “I also haven’t gone to Limbo since that night. Is that Junmyeon’s doing as well?”

“I would say yes,” Dr. Zhang confirmed, “Since Junmyeon-ssi’s soul is what called you into Limbo in the first place, then it would make sense that he has the ability to keep you out as well. Whether or not he’s aware of this ability is the question.”

Even though Dr. Zhang didn’t outright say it, Jongdae understood. If Junmyeon was aware that he could block Jongdae from Limbo, then he might keep Jongdae out permanently, and the two would never cross paths again. However, if Junmyeon didn’t know about this ability, then it was likely that Jongdae would eventually return to Limbo and get a chance to talk things out.

Jongdae’s hopes weren’t high. After what happened on Thursday night, Jongdae would be shocked if Junmyeon ever wanted to see him again.

However, the universe strangely had an impeccable sense of timing because Jongdae opened his eyes to the familiar gray world that night. He sat up at once, scanning the surroundings for Junmyeon, but to his disappointment, there was no one in sight.

It felt like the first few nights he had entered Limbo, where he was left to wander around alone. Only this time, every step he took had a purpose. He spent the entire time stumbling over roots and ducking under branches, searching for even the slightest shadow of Junmyeon.

After the first night, Jongdae woke up without making any progress. After the second night, he began to think that maybe – just maybe – Junmyeon had hidden himself away so Jongdae wouldn’t find him.

It wasn’t until the third night that Jongdae finally caught sight of Junmyeon again. It took less than a second for Jongdae to change directions and hurry after the silhouette, calling out Junmyeon’s name. He saw Junmyeon pause, and then the other picked up the pace, slipping through the trees until his figure vanished among the gray.

The pursuit continued for several nights until Jongdae grew tired of seeing Junmyeon’s back and decided to follow the other quietly. This time, he didn’t speak up until he was a few paces behind Junmyeon, a distance that he was certain he could cover if Junmyeon tried to flee again.

“Hyung,” he tried once he was close enough.

A short gasp escaped Junmyeon as the man turned to stare at Jongdae with wide eyes. Jongdae tensed in response, expecting Junmyeon to take off through the trees again. For a while, neither of them moved or spoke, but just as Jongdae was beginning to relax, Junmyeon spun around and dashed away.

Jongdae blinked. Then, he realized what just happened, and the pursuit started again.

“Hyung!” Jongdae called, ducking to avoid getting smacked in the face by a low-hanging branch. “Hyung, wait!”

Since the ground was uneven and littered with debris, it didn’t take long for Jongdae to misstep. His foot twisted, and a sharp pain shot up his leg. With a cry, Jongdae reached out for the nearest tree, putting his weight on his uninjured foot as he leaned against the tree for support. His ankle throbbed as he tried to shift into a more comfortable position.

“Jongdae?”

Jongdae looked up to see Junmyeon hovering beside him, hands outstretched in concern.

“Jongdae, what happened? Did you get hurt? Is it your ankle?” Junmyeon continued to ask. It seemed that Jongdae’s injury had made him completely forget about avoiding the younger.

Jongdae wasn’t about to let this opportunity slip by. He grasped at Junmyeon’s hand, managing to snag the sleeve of Junmyeon’s overcoat. Then, all the words that Jongdae had been waiting to say came spilling out of his mouth.

“Hyung, I’m really sorry about that time!” For a moment, Jongdae thought that he should be more specific, but his body was getting lighter and there was no way he was going to leave Limbo before he apologized for everything he should apologize for. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were having a hard time and for pushing you to talk when you didn’t want to, and for getting too close when you were scared and for yelling at you when you snapped. And, and…”

Jongdae swallowed, internally wincing at the memory of his untimely confession. He still wished he could take that back. “And I’m sorry for unloading my feelings onto you when you were struggling. I shouldn’t have done that. I was supposed to be helping you sort your feelings out, not burdening you with mine. So, uh…I, I’m…”

Junmyeon watched at him with wide eyes and parted lips, and the rest of what Jongdae wanted to say vanished into thin air, leaving him stuttering and stammering until darkness finally took his sight. When he could see again, Jongdae found himself staring at the familiar ceiling of his room and nursing a throbbing ankle.

Jongdae skipped class that day, figuring that he wouldn’t be able to get anywhere on his painful ankle. He contemplated making an ice pack, but his ankle didn’t look red or swollen at all. When he messaged Dr. Zhang about it, the latter told him that a light injury like a sprained ankle wouldn’t manifest signs on his body, so Jongdae settled with sitting on his bed and watching YouTube videos all day as he ignored the occasional pulse of phantom pain.

As day turned into night, the pain faded until Jongdae could walk without limping, but a sense of nausea replaced it. He ate a minuscule amount for dinner before excusing himself and retreating to his room, where he curled up beneath his blanket at a mere seven o’clock in the evening.

The sight of Junmyeon waiting for him at the place where they last met didn’t help to ease the churning of Jongdae’s stomach. In fact, the queasy feeling only worsened when Junmyeon noticed him and approached.

“Jongdae.”

Jongdae let out a garbled squeak. The back of his neck grew hot as he cleared his throat and tried again, “Hyung.”

Junmyeon’s words came out hesitant, as though he was afraid that Jongdae would suddenly lunge at him. “I think we should talk.”

“Okay,” Jongdae croaked, “Here?”

Junmyeon nodded and sat down on a protruding root. Jongdae copied him, stuffing his trembling fingers between his knees.

“What happened on that night,” Junmyeon began with a bowed head and lowered eyes, “I’m sorry.”

Neither of them spoke for a bit after that. Jongdae waited, watching Junmyeon’s hands clench and unclench as the other struggled to find words.

“I was having a panic attack,” Junmyeon said at last, though he could still barely meet Jongdae’s gaze, “They’ve been occurring since I came to Limbo, and the latest one wasn’t as bad as the others, but I still couldn’t deal with it and ended up lashing out at you. I felt cornered and terrified, but you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you run away when I came back?” Jongdae asked, doing his best to keep his voice from shaking too much. “Did you still feel cornered back then?”

“Maybe,” Junmyeon admitted, “but not in the same way. I think I was more scared that you were angry with me for pushing you away.”

“Are you still scared?”

Junmyeon tugged at his sleeves. “I…not anymore? At some point, I realized that even though you said the same thing he did, it didn’t mean you were the same as him…you know what, I think I’ll just explain why I acted like that.”

Jongdae swallowed. Memories of reading the articles about Junmyeon’s death came back, punching him in the gut with a strength that knocked the breath from his lungs.

“Hyung, you don’t have to tell me–”

“No, I think I should,” Junmyeon interrupted, and at that moment, he sounded so determined that Jongdae sat back and let him continue.

“I met my ex in my first year doing undergrad,” Junmyeon said, “but we didn’t actually start going out until I was in my third year. He–I didn’t notice anything off back then. I actually thought he was perfect, but well, that turned out to be a lie.” Junmyeon took a shuddering breath. “You said something that reminded me of him. ‘If there’s some way I can help you, then tell me.’ He told me the exact same thing when I was struggling with coming out to my family.”

The queasy feeling in Jongdae’s gut returned, but this time it was because Jongdae realized that he had inadvertently set Junmyeon off.

Junmyeon exhaled sharply. “Anyway, at one point in our relationship, he kidnapped me and…and…did things. It ended with me killing him and then dying of my wounds.” He inhaled another shaky breath. “That’s all I can say right now.”

Despite the questions crowding his mind, Jongdae didn’t dare ask for more. Instead, he thought of the day Baekhyun had entered his room and dumped a pile of articles on his desk.

“I…think I should confess something as well,” Jongdae mumbled. Under Junmyeon’s curious gaze, he finally spilled that he and Baekhyun had done research on Junmyeon’s death. To his growing apprehension, Junmyeon didn’t respond right away as he stared at Jongdae with an open mouth and an unreadable expression.

“Hyung?” Jongdae called out timidly, “Are you mad?”

“Ah, no,” Junmyeon said, “I’m just surprised? I mean, I should have expected you to get curious and do some searching yourself, I guess? But no, I’m not angry.”

“I’m sorry.” Jongdae still felt the need to apologize.

“It’s fine. Really.” Junmyeon hesitated and then reached out and touched Jongdae’s knee. “Look, let’s put this behind us, yeah? You didn’t mean to say or do anything rash that night, and I didn’t mean to lash out and hurt you. Let’s move past this and keep being…friends?”

Jongdae couldn’t control the wide smile that split his face as he nodded like a bobblehead. He noticed that Junmyeon didn’t bring up the topic of Jongdae admitting to harboring feelings, but for now, he was satisfied with their tentative friendship and the fact that Junmyeon’s hand was lingering on his knee.

It was the first time in a long while that Jongdae woke up feeling refreshed. In fact, he felt like a completely new man as he threw back the covers and almost skipped to the bathroom. He was halfway through brushing his teeth when the urge to tell someone became too much, and who would be more interested in the news than Dr. Zhang Yixing?

Jongdae fired off a short text message to the medium, but the other didn’t respond until late that evening. A smile spread across Jongdae’s face as he read Dr. Zhang’s message of congratulations, not noticing that Baekhyun was now frowning at him.

“Who are you texting?” Baekhyun asked, watching Jongdae’s fingers fly across his phone.

“Dr. Zhang,” Jongdae answered as he sent the message. “I told him that Junmyeon and I made up last night in Limbo.”

“Ah.”

Normally, Baekhyun would have bombarded Jongdae with questions, so Jongdae suspected that something was up when Baekhyun turned back to his phone and didn’t say anything else. Jongdae shut off his screen and placed his phone in his lap as he asked Baekhyun, “Is something wrong?”

Baekhyun’s fingers paused for a fraction of a second before he returned to typing. “I didn’t think you cared.”

Now Jongdae knew something was wrong.

“Why wouldn’t I care?” he questioned as he prodded at Baekhyun with his toes. “We’re best friends, aren’t we? You can tell me.”

“It sure doesn’t feel that way.”

Jongdae stopped. Judging by the way Baekhyun exhaled and rubbed at his eyes with one hand, Jongdae wasn’t supposed to hear the last sentence, but it was too late now.

“What do you mean by that?” Jongdae asked, straightening up in his seat, “Why would you think that? Did I do something?”

“More like what you didn’t do.” Baekhyun sat up as well, giving Jongdae a resentful stare. “I told you to be careful around him. I told you that he would hurt you, but here you are running back to him!”

Jongdae knew very well whom Baekhyun was talking about, and it irked him. “He has a name, Baek!” he snapped, “And Junmyeon didn’t hurt me on purpose. He was having a panic attack! He’s got scars from when he was killed. You can’t expect him to get over it that easily.”

“Just because he got hurt before doesn’t mean it’s okay for him to hurt you!” Baekhyun spat back, “And he has the nerve to keep dragging you back. Why does it have to be you? Why not an actual psychiatrist like Dr. Zhang?”

Jongdae tried to speak, but Baekhyun wasn’t finished. The latter had gotten up from his seat and now stood before Jongdae like an agitated Godzilla. Spittle flew from Baekhyun’s mouth as he ranted, “These days, it’s just Junmyeon this, Junmyeon that. All you care about is Kim Junmyeon! What about me? Do you even realize how I felt when I kicked down your door to see you throwing up blood? Or when the paramedics carried you out on a stretcher because you passed out and wouldn’t wake up no matter how much I shouted at you? Did you ever realize how much it hurt when you thought I would trick you into seeing a psychiatrist? It’s like a dead man comes into your life and the living ones don’t matter anymore!”

Baekhyun’s voice cracked before he quieted, shoulders heaving as he stared at a stain on the carpet. Jongdae sat in stunned silence, only snapping out of his stupor when Baekhyun stomped past him. The latter snatched up his bag and keys and stalked to the door, yanking on the handle as though it had offended him somehow.

“Where are you going?” Jongdae called as Baekhyun stepped into the hall.

“Somewhere,” Baekhyun growled. Then, the door slammed shut, and Jongdae was alone in the dorm, accompanied by the sound of Baekhyun’s retreating footsteps.

A/N: Jongdae just can't catch a break, can he...