That year’s summer had been special because Kyungsoo got to spend it with Chanyeol and because Kyungsoo finally answered the question that had been bugging him all his life. But summer eventually came to an end like it always has year after year, bringing in the temperate weather and falling leaves of autumn. Men could not control time after all.

Back in Seoul away from Chanyeol again, Kyungsoo’s routine returned to waking up early in the morning or in the afternoon, whenever his shift designated him to be at work.

Without fail, Kyungsoo would shower right after he woke up and then eat whatever food he could find in his kitchen which would almost always be instant noodles or food cart sandwich from the previous day. Kyungsoo did not eat to feel full, he only ate so he wouldn’t feel sick later on in the day because of hunger. Hospital food was cheap, healthy and he got an employee discount too, so he preferred to eat there.

Kyungsoo would always leave on time and lock his apartment up carefully, carrying his rucksack on his shoulders with a foldable umbrella tucked inside. Then, he would walk down the sidewalks and pathways that lined up against the tall apartment blocks he lived in, all the way down to the nearest subway station and board the same subway on the same line day after day.

Life quickly returned to square one for Kyungsoo, but he was now constantly feeling empty and a sense of longing for a different life other than this; preferably one with Chanyeol in it.

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure that that was what he wanted at first, thinking that it was just a whim of the moment or some early midlife crisis he was going through now that he was nearing his thirties.

Kyungsoo always thought that he was happy and settled with this life he led, but all of that was proven wrong in the summer when he realized where his home and heart really belonged at, and that was with Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo understood now what it meant to be in love and for someone to own his heart, despite thinking that he would never have a need for a relationship to feel fulfilled and content with his life. In fact, Kyungsoo could say that he never even considered that not until he was reunited with Chanyeol again.

Kyungsoo sighed to himself and leaned against the glass windows in the subway car he was riding in, which was moderately full at that time in the morning, with people who were commuting to work or school much like Kyungsoo also was.

When there were more people, Kyungsoo always chose to stand near the windows and nearer to the doors so he could alight and board the subway with ease.

It was raining outside and although the sun was already up at that time in the morning, it almost seemed like evening time with the thick grey rain clouds in the sky above, obscuring the sun. It only began raining when Kyungsoo had already arrived at the subway station but he had no problem with that because he always had an umbrella with him anyway.

In the usual daily commute that grey rainy morning, with his head leaning against the wide reinforced glass windows, Kyungsoo’s eyes followed the trail of the raindrops that splattered and fell onto the windows of the subway car as it trailed along the exterior of the windows and eventually dissipated and disappeared from view as the subway car continued speeding along the tracks.

But in his head, Kyungsoo was thinking of far-off thoughts and plans that he wasn’t sure whether he should pursue yet. Kyungsoo heard too much of people who dropped everything to be with the one they loved, only to end up tragically disappointed or having the relationship not working out and then losing everything in the process.

Kyungsoo trusted Chanyeol but he didn’t quite trust fate.

Kyungsoo would ponder that thought day after day, on every commute back and forth from work with his head leaned and pressed up against the glass window in the subway car. From raindrops and scattered leaves in the autumn to eventually the snow and sleet in winter that ran along the moving subway car, Kyungsoo never stopped thinking that he should have been somewhere else instead.

At the point, it had evolved from being a fleeting thought or a whim of the moment to an ambition and another goal to be decided whether it was worth pursuing or otherwise. It was normal to be scared of new and unknown things and concepts, after all. Especially when it involved uprooting his routine and stable life that he had spent so hard and so long to build, only to realize that it wasn’t what he wanted after all.

But at least, Kyungsoo couldn’t say that he wasted all that time for nothing because he could now put his foot down and clearly decide what it was that he wanted and what it was that he didn’t want. Kyungsoo wanted a life with Chanyeol and he knew that.

It was now some time in early December. Three months and a season had passed between the present and when Kyungsoo was last with Chanyeol.

Chanyeol’s thirtieth birthday was about a week ago and Kyungsoo was more disappointed about the birthday gift package he had mailed to Japan not arriving on time than he was at not being able to be there for a milestone in the life of someone he loved.

Chanyeol had bought a cell phone since then so it was easier for them to contact each other. Before this, Chanyeol only had a computer and a house phone that was only really useful if Chanyeol was home, which he usually wasn’t.

It was about ten at night and Kyungsoo was on another long night shift that would not end until the next morning. It was a slow night, however, and slow nights in a hospital was actually a good sign.

As a medical resident and with nothing that needed his urgent attention, nights like these were usually spent finishing away paperwork. Kyungsoo had been working on the paperwork for the attending surgeon he worked under but stopped halfway through for a short break when he found it hard to further concentrate.

While taking a break, Kyungsoo moved to the employee’s lounge on the upper floor. The lounge on the upper floors was deserted at this time of the night so Kyungsoo had all the benches and the tables all to himself.

There were multiple vending machines in the lounge, all lined up against the wall with flashing lights and blinking symbols to advertise whatever it was that was being sold in the machine, which could be anything from hot coffee to instant noodles and packed food. In the lounge, there was also a fridge, a sink, a water dispenser and a shelf with a microwave for the employees’ convenience.

Kyungsoo bought a can of iced coffee from the vending machine despite the cold weather outside, because he thought that it be faster for the iced coffee to rise to room temperature than to buy a hot coffee and wait for it to cool down. He was staying indoors anyway so it didn’t really matter.

Kyungsoo sat himself down on a chair near a small round coffee table in the employee’s lounge, that was against the wall with the window to the balcony courtyard view outside.

The door that led outside to the courtyard was somewhere near the stairwell but it was closed after office hours for security purposes because a former employee had attempted to jump off the building from the courtyard.

Kyungsoo didn’t know the employee in question because he was new at that time, having just finished his military conscription at that time. All he knew was that the employee resigned after and got the help they needed.

Kyungsoo barely remembered the incident unless someone brought it up, but it did make him realize how oblivious he had been in the previous years to other people’s feelings and experiences. Everyone is different and faced different things. Kyungsoo knew that now on top of the fact that work alone could not make him happy, even if he knew a few people at work who swore by the fact that work satisfaction was the definition of true happiness.

Kyungsoo sipped an amount of coffee from the can before placing it down on the table and then checking his phone for notifications. Chanyeol had a match that night and from the looks of it, he wasn’t done with it yet because he had yet to reply to Kyungsoo’s texts.

Kyungsoo put his phone away and straightened his back to look outside towards the courtyard. It was lightly snowing outside and Kyungsoo sat watching the snow fall under the glow of the orange garden lights in the dark of the night, blanketing the ground in powdery white and muffling all the background noise everywhere.

It was always quiet when it snowed and Kyungsoo liked that. There was a beauty in silence, after all. The silence reminded him of Chanyeol too.

Despite the natural effect of snow muffling sounds, it was already quiet, to begin with. There was no one else but him in the lounge. The only sounds that Kyungsoo could hear were the occasional whirring and clicking noise that came from the vending machines and the fridges that served to remind him where he was and what he was there for.

Had it not been for that, Kyungsoo might have lost himself in his thoughts because there was sure a lot of things going on in his head lately.

Kyungsoo’s brief moment of tranquility and silence was disrupted by a rather loud “Hey!” and the sound of someone pushing the door to the lounge open before making their way in.

Kyungsoo whipped his head towards the source of the sound and saw a joyful looking Sehun walking towards the table he was seated at before taking the chair opposite from Kyungsoo.

“I didn’t know you were on the night shift tonight but then I saw your name on the board and I asked around and someone saw you go up here so I thought that I should come here to see you,” Sehun notified, leaning back on his chair and straightening out the front of the nurse’s scrubs that he was wearing.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Kyungsoo lazily asked, feeling quite tired for the day already.

“Nothing really. I’m on break so I thought I’d come to see you since we haven’t talked in a while. You really look lost in your thoughts lately, like you’re always daydreaming and your mind is somewhere else but here,” Sehun revealed, “Are you alright, Kyungsoo?”

“I’m fine,” Kyungsoo paused before continuing, “You notice that, huh?” Kyungsoo replied, resting his elbow on the table and pressing half of his face to his raised hand.

“I sure do,” Sehun confidently affirmed, “You sure you’re okay? I’ve never seen you like this in the past three years that we’ve been working together.”

“I’m fine really,” Kyungsoo insisted, “I just have a lot to think about.”

“If you say so then,” Sehun shrugged before offering, “If there’s anything, you can let me know. I’ll listen.”

Kyungsoo quickly changed the topic instead, asking, “So, how’s it going too? Any class promotions for Go in sight?”

“I’m good,” Sehun answered before visibly slouching his shoulders and dryly chuckling, “The year is almost over and I don’t think I can win enough matches to be promoted to professional this year either with the three weeks left. Give me another one or two years stuck at this rank and I think I might just retire from Go.”

“I see,” Kyungsoo nodded, encouraging Sehun, “I hope you do your best. Don’t give up yet.”

“Thanks. What about you? You haven’t been coming to play Go either since you came back from Japan.” Sehun asked.

Kyungsoo admitted, “After one month in Japan with Chanyeol, I have come to the terms that Go is too difficult for me to comprehend and totally not meant for me. It really isn’t my thing.”

“Oh,” Sehun exclaimed, “That’s a shame though when you know someone so good at it to teach you how to play.”

“Maybe,” Kyungsoo glossed over, “This is the second time I’ve picked up Go and quit it in just a few months. I’m really not going to try a third time.”

Sehun smiled, “You sure do make up your mind fast.”

“Not fast enough though,” Kyungsoo corrected Sehun’s statement.

“Why not?” Sehun wondered.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath before sighing and answering Sehun’s question, “I want to move to Japan and live with Chanyeol. I’ve been considering it but for now, it’s just a thought that’s on my mind.” Kyungsoo then admitted, “-but I can’t say that I didn’t try learning Japanese or researching immigration laws to figure out how I can move there.”

“That sounds like a lot of work. I don’t know much about moving abroad either but well, if that’s what you want, then why not?” Sehun advised.

“I don’t know, Sehun. I really don’t know yet,” Kyungsoo followed up, “It’s hard for me to just leave everything behind here too but I think I would be happier over there.”

“Well, being happy is the important part, right?” Sehun suggested.

“I guess so,” Kyungsoo answered, clicking his tongue.

Kyungsoo wished that he knew the answer to that same question too. Sure, achieving his true happiness would be ideal but sometimes, the means to achieving ideal isn’t practical and Kyungsoo was too much of a pragmatic realist to be the one to chase after an idea that was still very much abstract at this point.

Sometimes, at times like these, Kyungsoo wished he was more like Chanyeol. Kyungsoo knew that if Chanyeol were in his shoes, the latter would just jump at the next available opportunity and make the step forward even if the path ahead had not been laid out in concrete yet.

Even now, Kyungsoo still looked up to and greatly adored Chanyeol for that. Kyungsoo knew that he couldn’t be as brave and daring that Chanyeol had be