THERE'S nothing like the feeling of guilt.

In my time as a lawyer, I've prosecuted and defended many guilty persons, and I've seen first-hand how guilt tears you a part from the inside. In my case, each time I think about that night, I honestly feel like beating myself up, if I'm not screening his calls, I'm ignoring his messages.

Pathetic, I know.

But what can I do? The life Jung Kiseok leads is totally different from the path that I'm on, and if by some miracle we manage to get together, then one of us will have to alter our lifestyle to fit the next. I know for a fact that a rapper with such a bachelor way of living won't change into a step-dad overnight, and it would be a bit irresponsible of me to suddenly change my ways as I'm not only living for myself.

And I'm at a place in my life where I don't even have the time to feel guilty, I have a career to focus on, and a child to raise.

I can hardly find the time to wash my hair.

On that note, Mi Cha has been keeping me busy lately, with each passing day I can see how much she's growing, and with such growth I also have to adjust my time so I can spend more time with her. I just wish her backstabbing father would spend more time on her potty training and less time on whatever the hell he gets up to on a weekend. 

"Mommy..." I hand Mi Cha her plush toy as I pick up a few things off the shelf. 

"...so did you pick her up?" 

I sigh softly, "of course I did, she was a crying mess when I got there, she must have been so embarrassed."

"Mommy..."  I open a box of crackers as Mi Cha pulls on my top. 

"I had to leave work Sun Jae," I push the cart as I look at the tofu prices, "this is why I said if you can't handle the potty training, leave it to me."

"Dhi Ah you can't do everything, I'm her father, I should at least have a hand in raising her, don't you think?" 

I sigh softly as Mi Cha throws her plush toy to the ground. "But how could you forget to dress her in pull ups? Yes she's three years old, but that doesn't mean she suddenly has a grip on everything." 

"It's no big deal Dhi Ah, she won't even remember what happened to her in a few days." 

I step away from the cart as I stoop down to pick up the toy, but it wasn't until my hand brushed against a stranger's that I realized someone else was offering help. "Ko Dhi Ah?" 

Sh*t. I'm caught. 

"I'll call you back," I quickly hang up the phone and bow at him in greeting, "hi." 

He raises his eyebrows at me, "hi?" he then chuckles, "you're something-" 

"Mommy, Mommy..." 

I watched as everything seemed to happen in slow motion; his eyes widened in recognition when he spotted a fussing Mi Cha in the cart, he then flashed me a surprised look as he seemed to have put the pieces together. 

"Mommy Mi Cha want toy!" 

I stand in my spot as he hands her the plush toy, and she proceeds to clap her hands with glee while looking up at him with her bright eyes. "She likes to clap instead of saying thanks, I'm still trying to break her out it." 

He nods his head but his eyes never leave the small child who busies herself with the crackers. "It was nice seeing you again Kiseok-ssi." 

I bow at him then quickly turn around so I can get the hell out of the supermarket, but my exit doesn't come as quickly as I hoped. "Wait a minute," I bite down on my lip as I pause, "is this why..." I watch as he fumbles with his words, "...we seriously need to talk." 

I shake my head at him, "no we don't, just let me go." 

He scoffs, "now that I know the reason behind you rejecting me do you think I'll just let you walk away? Do you think I'd throw you aside when I found out you're a mother? What kind of man do you think I am?" 

Thank God the aisle's empty. 

"I don't want to do this right now," I sigh deeply, "we can't possibly talk about us here, so call me later." 

"Mommy..." 

Mi Cha hits her forehead on my stomach, a sign that she's bored. 

"She's really cute," I bite my lip, "what's her name?" 

I swallow nervously, "Mi Cha," she looks up at the sound of her name but doesn't respond as he buries her face in my stomach. 

"You better pick up my call later, or I swear to God I'll camp out at your office until we talk," I nod my head at him, "when I said I wanted to be with you I wasn't joking." 

I nod my head once more, "okay, I'll wait for your call." 

He sighs softly, "Mi Cha-ah," she looks at him as he waves at her, "I'll see you later." 

The toddler flashes him a wide smile as she waves at him in return. "Bye-bye!" 

He chuckles softly, "so cute," he looks back at me, "I'll call you once I'm done at the studio, around ten or so, don't ignore my calls this time, that drives me crazy." 

I'm screwed.

THE last relationship I found myself in came about eight months after the finalization of my divorce, Ji Na thought it would be a good idea for us to hit the bar one Saturday night, and since I was freshly single, I decided to go. And of course I met a guy, at first he was sweet so we hit it off, but when I mentioned to him that I was married before and I have a child, he started to stand me up for our dates and the bastard wouldn't even answer my calls.

I mean, is it so bad being a single mom? We deserve a bit of affection too you know. 

But as for Kiseok and I, I'm at a total crossroads, and even though there's a part of me that wants to give him a chance, I'm still a bit hesitant to enter into a relationship. I've thought about it over, and over, and over again, but while I've convinced myself that a relationship will end in disaster, I'm still a bit selfish.

So when my cell rang out once, I took a deep breath then answered on the third ring. 

"Hello," I can hear what seems to be the sound of a car driving, "you're not driving and using the phone at the same time right?" 

"Why? Are you worried about me?" 

I lean against the headboard of my bed. "Well, you could get into an accident, or hit someone." 

"Then I'll have you to defend me in court." 

I chuckle softly, "actually I wouldn't." 

"What? Yah, what kind of lawyer are you?" 

I pick at the loose threads of my blanket as I smirk to myself. "A very expensive one," he chuckles lowly on the other line. 

"Didn't think I would have to pay my own woman to defend me in court." 

My eyes widen at his statement and I find myself almost choking on my own spit as I try to find a suitable comeback. "Wo-woman? Me? When did we even come to an agreement about that?" he hums in response. 

"Let's see: we went out on a few dates, I picked you up from work once, you met a few of my friends, and you know..." 

I roll my eyes, "what? Finish the sentence." 

"Oh c'mon babe, don't make me say it, I'm shy." 

I giggle at the playful tone of his voice, "well I liked to be asked certain things so I know where I stand." It's silent for a while, I chew on my bottom lip nervously as I listen to his steady breathing. 

"What would you like to know Dhi Ah?" 

I sigh deeply, "it's nothing too hard. It would be nice to know if this is just a fling, or when you say I'm your woman is it just until you find someone better, I won't really ask you to permanently be there, relationships aren't really my thing." 

"Ah, I see. Is Mi Cha sleeping?" 

I furrow my eyebrows at the sudden change of topic, but before I can answer his question, the doorbell rings. "Hold on a sec..." 

There are nights when a colleague of mine decides to send a whole bunch of documents for me to review, or even rope me in on a case, so night deliveries are nothing short of strange at my house. So, I didn't even look through the peephole to see who it is, and I honestly wish that I had done that before opening the god-damn door.

"Hey..." 

Oh. My. God. 

"...can I come in?" 

I look down at my oversized Harvard sweatshirt which just happens to have a giant stain on it, and the fact that I'm wearing two different pair of socks doesn't make the situation any better. "How did you know where I live?"

He shrugs nonchalantly, "Jin Young," I'll seriously kill him, "I brought chicken," he holds up the bag, "are we going to eat it out here or..." 

I clear my throat as I force myself to get over the initial shock of seeing him. "Oh yeah, come on in." 

I watch as he takes his shoes off after he enters, it was weird at first, the only men who come into my abode are plumbers and the trusted cable guy. We settle down in the living room, the tick-tock sound of the clock suddenly becomes lost in the loud thumping of my heart. 

"You live alone with Mi Cha?" 

I nod my head at him as I fix myself in a comfortable position. "Yeah, just the two of us," I clear my throat, "would you like anything? Water? Juice? I hide my beer under the sink, so it's not cold." 

He chuckles as he nod his head, "I'll have a beer." 

Five seconds later, the low hum of an unwatched TV joins in with the background of us snacking on chicken and drinking beer."But, why do you hide your beer under the sink?" 

I sigh deeply, "you know, out of sight, out of mind, I'm trying to cut down on my calorie intake." 

He laughs at that, "or you can just join a gym." 

I scoff softly as I place my can of beer on the table. "Yah, between running around for my cases, going to court, raising a three year old, I don't think I'll be able to squeeze gym time into that." 

He hums with a nod of his head, "and what about a relationship? Can you make time for that?" 

I swallow nervously. While my mind runs wild with thoughts, my eyes settle on his face.

He's looking at me, like really peering into the depths of my soul, I should feel creepy but, I kinda like being looked at this way. "You'll never be a fling to me, or just someone to pass the time, I want you to be mine, for as long as you decide to keep me." 

I twiddle my thumbs as I let his words soak in. "But I have Mi Cha-ah, I'll always put her first, and I don't want you to take on a role that you're not ready for. Kiseok-ssi, I don't want you to force yourself to get acquainted with her because of your feelings for me." 

"Who says I'm forcing myself? And how do you know if I love kids or not?" he places a stray lock of hair behind my ear, "if she's your world then ultimately she's mine too, I won't accept you and leave her in the dark. I'll just have to work double time." 

I raise my eyebrows at him, "what do you mean?" 

He shrugs nonchalantly, "well, now I'll have to win over two girls at the same time, guess I'll forever be a player huh?" 

I hit his arm playfully as he chuckles at his own silliness. "But you've already won me over," he gives me a surprised look, "I'm not too keen on letting just about any man stick his thing into me like that, consider yourself lucky Mr. Jung." 

He raises his eyebrows, "well look who's a fox." 

We chuckle in unison, "it's almost midnight," I glance at the clock over the TV, "wow time really flies, are you-"

I'm cut off mid-sentence by the sudden feel of his soft lips on mine, even though the impromptu kiss took me off guard, I quickly respond as I melt into him. My hands don't hesitate to touch him, as in truth I had missed him.

There were nights when both my body and mind would remind me of the time we slept together, I'd be reminded of the taste of his lips, the way he made me feel, and most importantly, I'd be reminded of the fact that I had truly enjoyed that night and how I had secretly pined after him. 

"Stay..." he leans his forehead on mine as he breathes heavily, "...please."

He nods his head, "promise me we'll just sleep," I look into his eyes, "everything's different with you, so I'll stay, as long I'll just be sleeping." 

I don't object to his request, so we leave the empty beer cans behind and settled down in my bedroom, and I'm touched by the mere act of him holding me by my waist and pulling me closer to him. There was once a time where I tried to force myself to feel comfortable in the arms of the guy I had married, and if I had knew before hand that being held by someone is supposed to feel this way, then maybe I would have saved myself a trip to the altar.