in the end, nothing ever happens like planned

in the end, we have to take what life hands us

in the end, no matter what’s the occasion,

good or bad—and it’s always bad—i’m always ending up so down

 

“I think we should break up…” Seungcheol stopped sipping at his drink, head whipping up as he desperately searched his boyfriend’s face; his eyes moved over every inch to detect any sort of sign that this was a joke. And yet, there he was, sitting across from Seungcheol with the blankest of expressions. No sign of tears, of heartbreak, of anything other than….weariness.

 

Seungcheol waited for the other to continue, but when a few moments of silence passed, he cleared his throat of his own heartbreak and spoke up. “Um, w-what—why? Why are you saying this? What—did something happen? Did I do something?” Seungcheol huffed out a broken, incredulous laugh. If I did something, then please—” Seungcheol couldn’t hide it anymore, his desperation for answers seeped into voice and weighed it down enough to break.

 

“I just think that we’ve...that we’re too young for... this . For this complacency, you know. I...I just don’t know how I feel about being in a relationship where it’s like we’re... married now. Hasn’t it gotten boring to you?” Seungcheol’s boyfriend explained, and the heartbreak came back tenfold.

 

Boring.

 

Seungcheol straightened himself—steeled his nerves, steeled his heart—and cleared his throat once more. “I don’t know about boring, but…” Seungcheol raised his head, his eyes, and looked straight into his the other man's eyes. “But, I...I think i understand where you’re coming from.” Lies. Seungcheol didn’t understand any of it. He didn’t want to understand.

 

The man in front of Seungcheol finally smiled. It was a smile akin to ones he used to give Seungcheol back when they were younger and much more in love. It still made him feel a lot of something, but this time it was mostly just hurt that Seungcheol felt.

 

It wasn’t too long before Seungcheol felt the need to escape, and so he quickly made an excuse (not like it mattered if it was a good excuse or not anymore) and left the cafe the two were at.

 

When Seungcheol finally arrived to his apartment, he made a beeline to his room after slipping his shoes off, and dropped himself right into his bed. He laid in the dark, silent, with his mind reeling. He thought about all the times he’s felt this broken, and the faces of his parents flashed into his mind immediately, then various peers of his from his middle and high school years followed. And now—Seungcheol rolled over and stared up at the ceiling—the person who he was so sure he was going to spend the rest of his life with, his boyfriend of six years, became one of those reasons for his broken soul.

 

Seungcheol felt tired thinking about it, exhausted even, but he knew that if he tried to sleep on his own, he’d get nowhere. Seungcheol sighed as he grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills on his nightstand and downed a few. Soon enough, Seungcheol’s eyes began to feel incredibly weighed down as he was being forcibly lulled into a deep slumber.

 

☆

 

but you were there, all so suddenly, reaching out to me with little subtlety

and you had said, all cryptically: “let’s fly to new lands, smiling faces, while holding hands

when we get there, let’s not hesitate to dance all our problems away

let’s forget the old days, because we’re here to stay.”

 

The sound of rustling and soft murmurs had Seungcheol waking up in the middle of the night. He groaned as he sat up, attempting to look around his room to find the source of the noise, which he assumed was his roommate. It took him a second to remember, though, that his roommate wouldn’t be back tonight, and that realization made him wake up fully. His heart raced as he looked around the room, eyes landing on a man standing near his closet, looking between two of Seungcheol’s shirts in deep thought.

 

‘Oh,’ Seungcheol blinked. ‘He’s attractive…’ He stared at the man—confused and a bit too afraid to do anything—as he eventually chose a shirt and hung the other back up. The mysterious man then grabbed a pair of pants that were already laid out over the chair of Seungcheol’s desk, as well as a pair of Seungcheol’s boxer briefs. H turned around, and his face was shocked to see that Seungcheol had awakened, but it brightened quickly after and he made his way over to the bed. He plopped down beside Seungcheol with a bright smile as if they were long-time friends, and rambled on to the other about being behind schedule with no concern that they were, indeed, strangers.

 

As soon as Seungcheol opened his mouth, finally ready to speak and maybe suffer some consequences, the man shoved the clothes at Seungcheol. “You have to go get ready now. Hurry, hurry,” He said, getting up from the bed and pulling Seungcheol out of it. He ushered Seungcheol out of the room afterwards and towards the bathroom. Seungcheol sputtered incoherently, doing as he was told because the other was a lot stronger than Seungcheol had anticipated.

 

It didn’t take long for Seungcheol to get ready; he had taken a quick shower, using his roommates things instead of his own because all of his things were given to him by his boy—his ex-boyfriend. He dried himself off and dressed himself up, dumping his clothes into the clothes basket as he re-entered his room. The man had been lying on his bed, reading one of Seungcheol’s manga, confused (it wasn’t the first in the series, Seungcheol noted, and the situation almost had him laughing fondly).

 

“Oh, you’re ready to go?” The man closed the manga and got up, going over to the small bookcase to slip it back into place.

 

“Ready to go where, exactly?” Seungcheol questioned with less apprehension than he had before. However, Seungcheol had received no answer as the man simply made his way back over to Seungcheol and took his hands. ‘They’re soft,’ Seungcheol thought, instinctively rubbing his thumbs over them.

 

“Somewhere where you can finally be okay,” The man said softly as if it provided any information at all. Seungcheol swallowed, and all of the mental preparation that he did in the shower went down the drain.

 

☆

 

take my hand

i won't let go, i won't let go, i promise you…that this love isn’t a show

let me take you away, so far away,

and if you’re with me and i’m with you, i can assure that it’ll be okay

and it doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong, let’s just keep flying along

don’t look down, no need to worry, just keep smiling, no need to frown or be in such a hurry

i’m here with you

and i’m here for you, always.

 

“Would you be willing to trust me?” The man asked as he gave Seungcheol’s hands a quick, reassuring squeeze.

 

“I don’t know if you know this, but...we don’t know each other,” Seungcheol finally managed to get out what he had been wanting to mention since he first woke up.

 

The man laughed. “Okay, well, aside from the fact that we don’t know each other and that I entered your home uninvited—Would you be willing to trust me?” His smile was soft and genuine and damn, he’s so attractive.

 

Seungcheol swallowed again, figuring that nothing can be worse than the past twenty-three years of his life. “Yeah, I would.” Another smile, bigger and brighter than ever. The man guided Seungcheol over to the window, and it opened without him ever touching it. Seungcheol took in a breath and the two were out and flying up into the sky before he could even process what was happening.

 

After reaching a comfortable cruise up in the air, the man adjusted Seungcheol’s position; instead of holding onto his hands, he wrapped Seungcheol in his arms securely, smiling down at the other before looking back in front of him. Seungcheol looked up at the man, admiring his beauty once more. Short, red hair and a sculpted face illuminated by the moonlight—it had Seungcheol’s words caught in his throat, but he eventually snapped out of his trance and spoke up.

 

“Am I...Am I dreaming? I have to be right? This can’t be real…” The man laughed so hard he nearly dropped Seungcheol, which had Seungcheol screaming and near tears.

 

“No, you’re not dreaming. I’m just here to ease your soul,” The man said something similar to Seungcheol earlier, which had a question springing back onto the tip of Seungcheol’s tongue, but before he could ask it, the man continued on. “Don’t worry about it any longer. You can let yourself go now, nothing bad will happen, I promise. You said you were willing to trust me, right? You took my hand and everything,”

 

The man stopped flying for a second, and the two floated in the sky. Seungcheol didn’t dare look down, so he kept staring into the man’s eyes. The same eyes that were staring right back at him reassuringly. Seungcheol deflated; he jumped down from his carefully built walls and let himself fly. “Alright,” he said, smiling for the first time that night.

 

“Alright.” The man replied, hugging Seungcheol closer to him before flying off again. “You can’t dream about people you’ve never met or seen before, by the way.” Seungcheol scoffed, highly amused laughter lifting him even higher than they were flying.

 

☆

 

something is happening to me…

my spirits are high, they’re lifting

all my problems have gone away

times spent with you are full of nothing but fun and laughter,

it’s like i found my happily ever after

do you hear this heart of mine?

beating so loud, and just for you...

 

Even through the rowdy shouts and bumps and thuds, Seungcheol couldn’t have been more at peace. He rocked lazily in the hammock that was expertly hung in the large groups clumsily made hut, an easy smile on his face. He listened as the younger boys fought over the game they were playing, deciding not to interfere unless they got too riled up and began to fight. He heard Hoshi and Dokyeom start one of their so-called comedy acts to hide their frustrations at losing again , Vernon and Woozi’s loud, distinctive laughter could be heard following it; they always enjoyed the two’s silly acts the most.

 

Amongst Mingyu and The8’s usual bickering to the other side of the hut, in the kitchen, Seungcheol heard light footsteps heading his way. He already knew who it was, though. It was always the same person every time.

 

His smile grew wider, which was something it had been doing a lot lately for this particular person, and he debated in his head whether to let the other play their little game or to bust him right then and there. But when he heard the other’s poorly stifled giggles, his heart melted once again, and he immediately decided to play along as usual.

 

Seungcheol waited patiently, listening to the other male’s quiet muttering about what he should do. He could feel a hand ghost over various parts of his face, and eventually Seungcheol couldn’t help it anymore, and he let out a laugh. He peeked up at the other through his splayed out fringe, and Jeonghan whined with a pout, crossing his arms. Ultimately, he ended up bursting into laughter as well, and he shuffled his way into the hammock with Seungcheol. Jeonghan curled up next to Seungcheol and rested his head on Seungcheol’s chest, effectively making him gulp dryly.

 

Seungcheol wondered if Jeonghan could hear how fast his heart was beating, and if it was loud enough to shake his heart as well.

 

☆

 

i’m bad at hiding how i feel

and this love i have, it’s way too real

there’s no one who could ever compare to you,

there’s no one who could bring me happiness like you do

i’m telling you, i’m telling you, i promise you…

 

Seungcheol gazed out upon the lake, the color of the scenery still leaving him baffled even after all this time. All of the plant life here was so green, and the lake’s color was a smooth crystal blue.

 

He truly loved coming out here despite the fact that it was a bit away from everything—and everyone—else.

 

He loved the boys, he really and truly did. They made his days worth living with how much fun they could bring from even the simplest of game, but sometimes they were a bit too rowdy, and Seungcheol needed to take a breather every once in a while. Seungcheol wasn’t used to being with such a big crowd all the time. Not used to having people so unconditionally loving and accepting.

 

A rustle was heard behind Seungcheol, and just like all the other times, he knew exactly who it was.

 

Jeonghan plopped himself right beside Seungcheol, just like a long-time friend, except he always sat a bit closer than a normal friend would. Seungcheol wasn’t complaining, though.

 

The two didn’t talk—never really had to—they just sat there and enjoyed the silence. Jeonghan dropped his head on Seungcheol’s shoulder, linked his arm with Seungcheol’s, and hummed a song. Seungcheol looked at him, gaze soft and loving, and he laid his head on top of the other’s. Jeonghan chuckled a bit, snuggling closer, and continued to hum.

 

It was always like this. Seungcheol would break away from everyone for a bit, now easily navigating his way through the magical land unknown to the rest of the world. Initially, he genuinely wanted to take some time for himself, but eventually it became something like a waiting game. The first handful of times he didn’t quite catch onto Jeonghan’s constant appearance by his side, but eventually he did, and Jeonghan always arrived on time.

 

He would sit next to Seungcheol so closely, and then before Seungcheol knew it, they were tangled up in each other. Jeonghan’s head in his lap, and Seungcheol’s fingers in his hair, or poking at his face. Recently, Jeonghan liked to put his entire self into Seungcheol’s lap, pressing their bodies close. Seungcheol couldn’t help but oblige, wrapping his arms around Jeonghan’s thin waist.

 

Seungcheol always tried to remain calm, but it was always in vain. It was hard not to be in love with someone like Jeonghan, and sometimes, he wondered if he would ever be able to say it confidently.

 

☆

 

take my hand

i won't let go, i won't let go,

i promise you...that this love isn’t a show

let me take you away, so far away,

and if you’re with me and i’m with you,

i can assure that it’ll be okay

and it doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong,

let’s just keep flying along

don’t look down, no need to worry,

just keep smiling, no need to frown or be in such a hurry

i’m here with you. and i’m here for you, always.

 

Seungcheol and Jeonghan are cuddled up in the hammock in their clumsily made hut when they both reveal their truths.

 

“Jeonghan, I think I like you... love you even,”

 

“Seungcheol, to tell you the truth...you’re dying,”

 

They both stared at each other for a long time. Seungcheol got up and Jeonghan followed, panicked.

 

“You love me?” Jeonghan grasped at Seungcheol’s shirt, his smile weak. “Cheol-ah, I didn’t know you’d feel the same way…”

 

“Jeongha—No, w-what did you say? I’m...I’m dying ?” Seungcheol held onto Jeonghan’s hands tenderly. Jeonghan tried to dodge the topic once more, but Seungcheol cupped his face and made Jeonghan look at him. His eyes were pleading, and in the end, Jeonghan gave up with a sigh.

 

“We,” He started, eyes cast downward. “We take people’s souls before their death, to ease them and allow them to die happily. Usually, when most people find out, they don’t ever want to stay here any longer, and we take them back home….” Jeonghan gulped, tears pricking his eyes, but he doesn’t let any fall. If Seungcheol decided to go back, it wouldn’t be the first time, but the thought left an unsettling feeling in his chest regardless.

 

Seungcheol’s hands drop from Jeonghan’s face slowly. He’s really dying? Seungcheol stared Jeonghan down; he knows it’s intense, but he’s not angry. There’s soft sounds of movement around them, and Seungcheol catches several pairs of eyes peeking into the hut. Seungcheol’s chest untightens, and his body relaxes.

 

He looks back towards Jeonghan and cups his face again with one hand, and ever so gently does he bring Jeonghan’s face up to look at him. Seungcheol uses the other hand to take a hold of Jeonghan’s; he laces their fingers together and gives the other a quick, reassuring squeeze.

 

“Coming here has been the happiest thing to happen to me in my entire life. From my parents harsh upbringing, to them denying an important part of my existence, to the bullying I’ve endured during school, to the greatest and only heartbreak I’ve ever experienced from someone who I imagined to spend the rest of my life with. Everything was hard, it was unpleasant, and it broke me down year by year. but you all changed that.” The rest of the boys started filtering into the hut, slowly and cautiously, not wanting to interrupt the moment.

 

“Even one day her in Caratland was better than all of the years I spent back home. Thank you, everyone, for easing my soul, and allowing me to know what happiness is. And thank you, Angel, for building up my broken pieces and never letting me forget what true love feels like.” Seungcheol leaned into Jeonghan and kissed him deeply, wrapping his arms around Jeonghan, who held him back just as tightly.

 

The rest of the boys cheered around them, rushing to them to give them hugs. Seungcheol laughed through his tears that began to fall without him realizing it. They were a mess, the thirteen of them, a loud, crazy mess, but he was happy and he wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world or the real one.

 

☆

 

so take my hand. i won't let go, i won't let go, i promise you.

 

Unnoticed, Seungcheol hovered over his body that was currently lying in the hospital, only hanging on by a very thin thread. his parents and his ex were there, probably summoned by his roommate, crying over him as if they haven’t been the source of almost all of his hurt for his entire life. Even with that knowledge, though, Seungcheol’s chest tightened a bit at their grief. He wondered if they had any regrets.

 

Seungcheol was never good with death, but he couldn’t help but scan his eyes over his body once more. It was still so surreal knowing that he was dying, seeing that he was dying, but never feeling more alive. Seungcheol watched for a moment more before Jeonghan slid up behind him, asking him if he was ready to go. Seungcheol turned around and smiled brightly, nodding. Jeonghan held out his hand and Seungcheol took it, the two flying out of the window and meeting the others that were waiting outside.

 

The group of thirteen flew off together, the cloudy sky doing nothing to dim their sunny faces. the sound of Seungcheol’s monitor flatlining was lost to their ears as they played and joked around on their way back home.