Peeking his head from behind the huge tree in front of the Choi’s mansion, Jaebum’s nerves continued to stagger back and forth. The boy looked around carefully, making sure that no one was seeing him stalking like this. It’d be big news. At least to Madam Choi. And nobody wants that to happen. Jaebum knew better than to get Youngjae in deeper troubles.

 

But standing out here in the chilly winds was starting to get a little annoying. Youngjae had always been a punctual kid; there was no way he’d be this late. They’ve already planned this thoroughly yesterday. And it's a Saturday! If Youngjae was still sleeping, he shouldn’t be sleeping until so late in the morning! Youngjae always wakes up before ten on Saturdays.

 

With hands in his pockets, Jaebum leaned against the tree, willing the cold away to save his body from freezing up. This winter wind threatened to tear him apart. “The things I do for you, Jae.”

 

Jaebum had spent the whole night turning in his sheets, unable to sleep, because the excitement overwhelmed him. He had spent the whole morning picking out his best clothes and styling his hair, just doing whatever he can to look incredibly more handsome than he already was. And because his effort-to-look-nice outfit required so, Jaebum walked out of his house in ripped jeans and a thin flannel over a thin white tee. The moment the winter’s cold smacked him right in the face, he knew this entire outfit was wrong. But then he remembered how good he looked when he caught his reflection in the mirror. Jaebum sighed and decided as long as he could fish a compliment out of Youngjae’s cute mouth, everything else could it. Maybe freezing to death wasn’t such a bad idea if Youngjae appreciates his appearance. Everything was worth it for Youngjae.

 

Though, Jaebum was having second thoughts now that his best friend still hadn’t come out thirty minutes after their agreed time. The cold became a lot more unbearable. Shivering against the old tree, Jaebum scold himself for being such an idiot in love. If he wasn’t so head-over-heels for that boy, he wouldn’t be freezing to death in this despicable weather. Obviously, ripped jeans never were good choices for winter fashion. Whoever thought wearing ripped jeans during winter was a good idea should get sued.

 

A little ring caught Jaebum’s attention as he dug out his phone. A message from Youngjae. “Sorry, but I can’t go out right now. Mom’s here,” Jaebum read, hands shaking from the cold. Rolling his eyes, Jaebum scoffed, “This is ridiculous.” Anger suddenly bubbled in his throat. It's always her. God, he hated her so much. Without another thought, Jaebum sent back a text saying he’ll be out here waiting and it’ll be Youngjae’s fault if he freezes and dies.

 

Not half a minute after, a text came back from Youngjae with an apology and promise that he’ll be out as soon as he can. The corner of Jaebum’s mouth lifted up happily. Biting his lip, Jaebum quickly texted back with a smiley face. They kept texting back and forth, just conversing about stupid stuff to kill time, and in Youngjae’s words, to also keep Jaebum warm. Youngjae was such a thoughtful person, always puts others before himself, always managed to make Jaebum falls deeper and deeper in love. Jaebum felt bad for all the occasional impure thoughts about his own best friend. Youngjae was just too pure and happy, someone who deserved all the greater things in life. If Jaebum could free Youngjae, he swore to always protect that smile full of innocence.

 

“You rascal!”

 

Jumping slightly in surprise, Jaebum almost dropped his phone. “M-Miss Choi?”

 

The madam stared at the boy with fury in her eyes. She tightened her grip on her expensive handbag. Her crimson painted lips and cheeks colored in angry shades of rose created a monstrous image. Eunhye looked as if she enjoys wrapping her long, boney fingers around Jaebum’s neck and watches the life drains out of him slowly. Maybe she does. “What are you doing here on my property?! Are you here for- Oh, God, no! Get out! Get out now! Don’t go near my son!”

 

“I-”

 

Before Jaebum could defend himself, he was being shoved harshly by the older woman. She wasted no time swinging her handbag at Jaebum. “You punk! How dare you manipulate my son?! Are you using him?! Don’t think you could get money out of him! You’re latching onto him like a parasite for the money, right?! Just because he’s dumb and useless, you’ve got no rights! He’s still my son!”

 

“Hey! Listen-” Jaebum grabbed the handbag and held it in place. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, ma’am,” he said, glaring coldly into that woman’s bulging eyes. As much as Jaebum wanted to let loose and bombard strings of curses upon that demon, he still had some self-control and showed respect. “I’m not friends with him for money. I’m not using him. He’s my best friend, and I care for him-”

 

 

Eunhye struggled her handbag out of Jaebum’s hold. Her eyes still burned holes into the young boy with pure hatred. “You’re a damn liar, boy! You good-for-nothing! Don’t ever think you could reach for something so far out of your grasp. Stop trying to fly! My son will not be associated with the likes of you!”

 

Clenching his fists, Jaebum’s blood boiled. There were so many things he wanted to scream in her face. But none of it came out. Because Jaebum knew better. He was angry. But that was about all he could do. “You don’t get it. Have you looked at Youngjae properly? Have you ever cared for him properly like a mother should? Have you-”

 

She raised her hand and slapped him hard. “Don’t you tell me how I should raise my son.”

 

Jaebum wasn’t a stranger to receiving hits, but he had never felt so humiliated before. Something churned in his stomach as he tried to hold his rage in. It was all so unfair. But there was nothing that could be done. As much as Jaebum wanted to fight back, he couldn’t. Because Choi Eunhye is Youngjae’s mother.

 

“Now gather your pathetic self off my property,” Madam Choi spat, looking down on Jaebum like he’s just some roadkill waiting for vultures to feed on.

 

Swallowing his pride, Jaebum didn’t spare another glance and his heels. He was walking away, but somehow, as if his legs could feel the tortuous embarrassment he was struggling through, Jaebum started picking up his speed, and soon, he was running with his heart hanging from the sleeve of his thin flannel.

 

<||><||><||><||><||>

 

The anticipation faded from Youngjae’s face faster than he had ever attempted to run. He re-read the messages on his phone screen for, probably, the hundredth time with a pout. He was so excited, yet now everything was cancelled. The disappointment only grew as he watched his mother’s car driving down the streets.  

 

“Young Master, what are you doing by the windows?” Nami came by, seeing how the boy just laid his head on the foggy glass. “I haven’t clean those yet. They’re dirty.”

 

Youngjae just sighed, frowning and pouting, eyes never left the streets outside. The head maid shook her head and went about cleaning the windows. She skipped the pair that her young master was sulking on, deciding she’ll go back to it later when the little master wasn’t filming a sad movie with it.

 

Nami didn’t really knew what was going on, but she felt bad for the young master. The madam had always been too strict and demanding. The young boy suffered so much just so he could meet his mother’s expectations, but every time, his efforts were shot down in a split second. Eunhye was too caught up in her works, blinded by the fame and fortunes she pulled from it that she disregarded her own son. Sometimes, even though it was unspeakable, Nami wished to snatch Youngjae away and shower him with all the sweet, tender, motherly love he deserved. Because the madam definitely cannot even give him a sliver of that.

 

Shaking her head, Nami quietly scold herself. She shouldn’t be having thoughts like those. She’s just a head maid and nothing more. There’s no rights for her to think like this towards her young master. But how could she not?

 

“Um…”

 

The old maid turned towards the uncertain voice calling for her attention. Her confused face quickly softened into a kind smile. “You must be ‘that rascal’ Jaebum?”

 

“H-hello, I, um, I’m…” Jaebum rubbed his nape awkwardly. This is the first time he had stepped past the front gates. It was risky, but the earlier humiliation got Jaebum all riled up. If Choi Eunhye already hates him no matter what, then might as well break all the rules. Also, his outfit looked too cute right now to be wasted in the closet. He has to show himself to Youngjae at all cost today.

 

“I know who you are, dear,” Nami chuckled, tucking her fallen gray hair behind her ear, “Our Young Master won’t stop talking about you.”

 

“Re-really?”

 

Nami smiled, amused by the way the boy’s cheeks flushed. “Thank you for taking care of our Young Master. I’m glad that he has you by his side. You make him happy.”

 

Jaebum shyly lowered his head, staring at the ground, “I just…”

 

“But aren’t you cold?” The head maid questioned, staring at the boy’s ripped jeans and thin flannel. “Dear, what are you doing wearing clothes that can’t cover yourself? Poor you… Should I tell Young Master to give you some of his clothes? At least they don’t have that many holes in them…”

 

“N-no! It’s fine! This is a style, m-ma’am…” Jaebum tried to explain, but the look in the old maid’s face had already gone beyond any explanation. And so, he opted for the actual reason. “These are new clothes… Youngjae and I were supposed to hang out today… And, I, um, I wanted to look good for him…”

 

Suddenly grasping the situation, Nami’s eyes lit up, “Oh! Oh. You want Young Master to compliment you. That’s very cute, dear!”

 

“W-wha-what? That-that’s not what I-”

 

Nami laughed, shaking her head, “It’s okay, sweets. But you’ll catch a cold! It’s winter for God’s sake!”

 

Jaebum waved his hands, shook his head with a smile etched upon his freezing lips, “I’ll be fine. It’s worth it.”

 

“Dear-”

 

“Jaebummie!” Youngjae appeared at the door, eyes no longer wore that sulk from before, “What are you- Oh, God, what are you wearing?!” He ran over to his best friend, giving that outfit a full scan. Already, his heart clenched at the sight of a shivering Jaebum in ripped jeans.

 

“Hey, Youngjae…” Jaebum didn’t expect to see his best friend so soon. If that made any sense. Or in other words, mentally, Jaebum wasn’t ready for Youngjae’s reaction.

 

“It’s cold out here and you’re in…” the younger did another lookover, a disapproving expression washed over his face, “Whatever this is. Are you crazy?”

 

And Jaebum’s world fell apart. Youngjae didn’t like his outfit. God, he must have looked like a fool in front of Youngjae right now. He should have known better that Youngjae wasn’t a flashy person. The disappointment and hurt were obvious on Jaebum’s face. Because great, he thought he’d look good, but Youngjae begged to differ.

 

“Young Master,” Nami cleared , shaking her head at the oblivious young master, “Jaebum wants you to compliment him. He sacrificed his warmth to dress in this, my, my, scandalous manner, for you. A little smile wouldn’t hurt now, would it, Young Master?”

 

“But,” Youngjae sighed, “That’s not it. You look great, Jaebum. Honestly, you look good in everything, but what I’m saying is that it’s too cold! You’re going to get sick!”

 

“Do I really look all right?” Jaebum tried, a glint of hope sparkling in his eyes again.

 

Youngjae offered a smile, “Of course! I told you that you could definitely pass for an idol! You’re so good-looking!”

 

That’s all Jaebum wanted to hear. He’s such an idiot for his best friend that all he wanted to hear was Youngjae telling him he looked good. Because he always wanted to look good for Youngjae. Everyone else’s opinions could be thrown away. All Jaebum needed was Youngjae’s. “Thanks, I know,” Jaebum winked, acting arrogant as he tilted his chin upwards.

 

“You’re ridiculous! But it’s really cold, hold on, let me go get you a jacket,” Youngjae his heels, “Nami, could you bring him in for a warm cup of tea?”

 

“Yes, Young Master,” the head maid nodded with a cheerful smile. She turned to Jaebum and gestured towards the entrance of the mansion, “Come on, dear, it’s your first time, isn’t it?”

 

There was a hold back. When Jaebum stepped past those gates, he was determined. But now, he wasn’t so sure as to what he was doing here. This place wasn’t for someone like him. He’s not supposed to be here. He should be waiting outside by that tree like he always does. He can’t be here, on the other side of those terrifying gates, inside the mansion belonged to the most feared lioness. Jaebum felt so out of place.

 

Youngjae’s world was so different from his.

 

And it's scary.

 

Jaebum felt so insecure all of a sudden as his eyes raked over the fancy patterns on the walls, the polished glass tables, the gold and silver decorated the pictures’ frames, the rich color of the stairs’ handrail, the expensive china vases of fresh roses, the high ivory ceiling with a beautiful chandelier hanging like forbidden fruit in Eden’s tree, and the line of maids bowing respectfully to him because he was a guest. Everything was held on such a pedal stool. The air constricted, wrapping playfully at Jaebum’s throat, as he stood there frozen and confused. Jaebum looked down at his flannel and ripped jeans.

 

He didn't belong here.

 

He shouldn’t be here.

 

Nami understood the nerves of a scared young boy who was seeing wealth for the first time. The old maid puts her hand on Jaebum’s arm and kindly smile, “Don’t be afraid, dear. Young Master will come down soon. Have a seat. I’ll pour you a cup of tea to calm yourself.”

 

Muttering a quiet “thank you,” Jaebum slowly settled down on the couch with much caution. His actions were monitored by the other maids. Jaebum didn’t know what they were whispering to each other about, but he could feel the room spinning and hear snickers of his low-status and unusual sense of fashion in such a prestigious household. The house was very warm, but somehow, Jaebum still felt the chills grazing down his spine. His hands were slightly shaking when he received the cup of tea from Nami. Jaebum stared at the china for some good minutes, deciding whether or not he was even allowed to dirty this piece of art with his undeserving lips. The head maid laughed at Jaebum’s politeness before beckoning him to just drink it.

 

Jaebum was halfway through the sweet tea when Youngjae came jogging down the huge staircase with a gray coat draped over his arm. “I don’t know if my clothes fit you, but this is the biggest thing I own.”

 

“It’s fine, really,” Jaebum took the coat and smiled widely, “I’ll give it back-”

 

“No! Keep it,” Youngjae smiled, and Jaebum’s heart skipped a thousand beats, “I have a lot anyways. It’s winter, and if you’re into this kind of style with a lot of holes in your clothes, then you’ll really need it more than I do.”

 

Jaebum rolled his eyes, “I’m only wearing this because we were going out today.”

 

“We were,” Youngjae pouted, plopped himself on the couch with his arms crossed against his chest.

 

As much as Jaebum wanted to scream because that was so adorable, the older’s face was expressionless, “I’m sorry. I thought about it again, and today’s not a good day. Next Saturday?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Hey,” Jaebum sat down next to his pouting best friend, “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up next Saturday, okay? Don’t be mad at me, please? Jae-ah~”

 

Sighing, Youngjae dropped his arms, “I’m not mad. Just… I was looking forward to today.”

 

“Me, too,” Jaebum muttered under his breath.

 

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Both had no idea what else to say, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. The maids had already scurried off to do their respective jobs, so it was just the two boys sitting there, staring at nothing in particular. Though comfortable, the longer the silence, the more anxious Jaebum became. He really needed some sort of distraction from all the horrible thoughts invading his head.

 

“Tea’s really good,” Jaebum commented, finishing up and placing the cup carefully on the glass coffee table.

 

“Right? They’re my favorite,” Youngjae responded with a little smile, satisfied that his taste was approved. “Mother always get those bitter ones for me, and I hate it. Nami secretly bought the sweet ones at the market at the intersection. And I really like them.”

 

At this point, Jaebum wasn't even surprise that Madam Choi didn’t even know her own son’s taste and preference. That woman just doesn’t care. Jaebum pursed his lips and looked at his best friend, “So what do you want to do?”

 

Youngjae’s lips protruded as he tilted his head, actions that Jaebum was squirming inside his head for, “Well, I’m really sure… Oh!” Youngjae turned to Jaebum with the brightest smile that could blind the human race, “Since you’re already here, let me show you my room!”

 

If Jaebum was still sipping on that cup of sweet tea, he’ll choke. “Your-your what?”

 

“Come on!” Youngjae was already on his feet, grabbing his best friend’s wrist.

 

Before Jaebum could fully process what was actually happening, he found himself dragged up the marble stairs. And before he could actually protest that this wasn’t such a good idea and that he should probably go home, Jaebum already ended up inside his best friend’s massive bedroom. Jaebum’s jaw dropped, taking in the luxury that Youngjae bathed in. The room was probably twice as big as Jaebum’s ty apartment. Youngjae let Jaebum roamed around, just looking at stuff and be fascinated.

 

Aside from all the amazement, there’s only one thing going through Jaebum’s mind.

 

 

“Holy ,” Jaebum exhaled softly, “I’m in your room.”

 

“Yep,” Youngjae looked proud, “Welcome to my lair!”

 

“No…” The older boy constantly moving his eyes around, soaking in every detail, “You don’t understand… I’m in your room. This is your room.” Jaebum didn’t expect Youngjae to read deeply into anything. Of course Youngjae wouldn’t understand. How could Youngjae possibly understand the wild beating of Jaebum’s heart at this moment? How could Youngjae possibly get the overwhelming and surging feeling of being the in room of the love of your life? Of course Youngjae wouldn’t get it.

 

Slowly and carefully, Jaebum observed the room. The swelling in his heart grew bigger and bigger. The realization became a barrier between his imaginations and reality. They do live in such different worlds. Someone like Youngjae deserved better than a mere commoner like Jaebum. They’re not meant to be.

 

That truth hurts. Because it meant that Madam Choi was right. It meant that his father was right. Jaebum was really a good-for-nothing pathetic rascal who thought he could reach for the stars just by raising his arm.

 

“Jaebum~” Youngjae waved a hand in front of his best friend’s stoic face. “Hello? Are you still there? Earth to Jaebummie!”

 

Snapping out of whatever self-reflection he indulged in, Jaebum tried to fake a smile, “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry.” He made his way around again, looking at the pictures of a younger Youngjae, smoothing his fingertips over the shelves of books that Youngjae collected, breathing relaxingly at the scent of Youngjae circling the entire room. Jaebum felt so at ease. No one but Youngjae could make every moment so peaceful to Jaebum. Turning around slightly, something caught the boy’s eyes. Walking over to the object to interest, a little blush crept his cheeks. “Your bed?”

 

Youngjae gave his best friend a strange look and scoffed, “Obviously. Why would I have someone else’s bed in my room?”

 

“You’re getting bold these days, Jae.”

 

“Learned it from the best.”

 

“We really shouldn’t hang out too much. I’m such a bad influence,” Jaebum joked, inviting himself to sit on Youngjae’s bed. “Oh, but this bed is nice.”

 

Pouting again, Youngjae sat next to Jaebum, “Don’t say that. You’re not a bad influence! I chose to hang with you. It’s not your fault. You’re not responsible for anything! If you get bored of me, then you could drop me… Although that’ll be really sad since I only have you as a friend, but if I had the choice, then you should, too! I can’t be selfish and force you to stay with me, can’t I?”

 

“Youngjae, what are you talking about-”

 

“I know Mother doesn’t like you, and she’s strict and difficult, but I just want you to know that I’m always on your side.” Youngjae took Jaebum’s hands into his, sincerely looked into his best friend’s confused eyes, “You’re very important to me, Jaebum-ah. Mother can say whatever she wants to say, I don’t care. You’re always there for me, always take care of me, always try to make me happy. I treasure you a lot…”

 

Jaebum looked down at their connected hands. Youngjae has really soft hands. Unlike his. Which was only right. Youngjae’s hands were soft and delicate, indicating a young master who lived life free of worries and burdens. Jaebum’s hands were rough and dry, showing the cruelty of his own reality for the world to see. “Youngjae-ah, why are you…”

 

“I’m saying that I appreciate you a lot, and I love you a lot,” Youngjae looked like he’s about to cry an entire river, “And I hope we could remain best friends forever. But if you want to let go, then I’ll let you go. I won’t force you to stay. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to-”

 

“No,” Jaebum gripped tightly onto Youngjae’s hands. Waves of emotions preparing themselves to knock against Jaebum’s doors and crash it down with a horrendous storm.

 

“Jaebum…?”

 

“Force me.”

 

“Wha-what?” The younger stared at his best friend with concern eyes. The fire burning in Jaebum’s eyes were starting to get wild and scary.

 

“Force me, Jae-ah. Force me to stay. You can’t turn your back on me. And I won’t turn my back on you. I’ll be by you forever. Please, don’t you let go of me. If I happen to stray away, then force me. I don’t care what you do, Youngjae, but you have to make me stay.” Jaebum could feel the air choking his life out of him. Everything felt so foggy, so tainted, so ugly. Yet, on Youngjae’s bed, in Youngjae’s room, holding Youngjae’s hands, Jaebum felt so at peace. He’d gladly give up everything if he could hold onto Youngjae a little longer.

 

Didn’t want Youngjae to see the downpour emotions from a painful one-sided love, Jaebum pulled the younger into a heartwarming hug to hide his face. He can’t betray Youngjae’s trust. He can’t throw away their friendship for something so selfish. He can’t afford to lose Youngjae. He could lose everything else. But Youngjae… He cannot lose Youngjae.

 

“I don’t know what’s that really means, but thank you for being by my side, Jaebum-ah.”

 

Jaebum scoffed, wanting to laugh and rip his heart out because it hurts him so much. His bones were rotting away slowly. His flesh peeling under the scorching heat of a burning heart. His eyes blinded and destroyed from staring too long at something so bright and vigorous. Jaebum applauded himself for being able to handle all of this in such a calming manner. How was he still breathing and living well?

 

Tightening his hold around Youngjae’s shoulders and back, Jaebum buried his face into the younger’s neck, seeking for this tiny bit of comfort. If only this moment could last forever. If only Jaebum had the courage. If only this poisonous love wasn’t one-sided. If only.

 

“Jae-ah, I’m leaving soon.”