Amused by Youngjae's flushed cheeks and slobby attempt to speak, Jaebum invited himself to sit across from the drunken lawyer. He didn't drink, rather just sat there and watched the love of his life continuously drowning himself in the intoxicating taste of alcohol. It was kind of funny, at least to Jaebum, because he had never seen Youngjae get into this state before. Missing a whole decade from Youngjae's life was something Jaebum regretted. But it was all for the best. The young master had great things going on for him, and he didn't need a hoodlum to that up. And it seemed like the young master had forgotten all about that problematic hoodlum anyways. Jaebum sighed, reaching over to stop another glass of bitter soju from touching Youngjae's lips. The younger wasn't very happy.

 

"Hey! GIVE. IT. BACK."

 

"..."

 

"Give it back! I'M SAAAAAD!"

 

Jaebum grabbed an empty cup nearby and poured water into it. He casually handed the cup to Youngjae, knowing the younger would take it thinking it was soju. "Why are you sad?"

 

As expected, Youngjae snatched the cup and dunk it in one go. The alcohol had already marinated deep within his blood by now. A splash of water wouldn't do much. "I don't know… Just… SAD! And and too-too many sad s-songs!"

 

Pouring another cup of water and passing it to Youngjae again, Jaebum smiled, "You don't like sad songs?"

 

"No…"

 

"And why is that?"

 

"Cause… Bad memories…"

 

"Oh."

 

"C-cause Jae-Jaebum hates me…" The drunken lawyer pouted, eyelids slowly closing like an upset kid after being scolded by his mom.

 

Jaebum blinked twice, suddenly feeling the hat on his head weighting him down and the mask around his face suffocating him. The raging fire ignited his heart in a fit of uncontrollable overwhelm that could burn everything into ashes. “What? W-who?”

 

Oblivious to the man in front of him, Youngjae cried out, “I-if he didn’t h-hate me… He wouldn’t leave me! But… He… I… I don’t know… I-I don’t kno-know any-anymore! I don’t know whoooo he is!”

 

The remaining people around the stand looked towards their table with curiosity. Jaebum, although still stunned and a bit flustered, tried to soothe his crying tablemate. The owner eyed them uncomfortably, already expecting the man clad in black to the crybaby out of her business premises. After a very long minute, Jaebum left quite a pile of cash on the table and dragged a still-crying Youngjae up to his feet. He helped the younger man put on his coat and scarf before rushing out. They were attracting too much attention. Youngjae was drunk to the point where he could only walk a few steps before toppling all over Jaebum. Sighing and shaking his head, Jaebum risked it all and carried the hot mess on his back.

 

It had been ten years. How could Jaebum forget how warm Youngjae has always been... He missed this so much. The last time Jaebum could carry Youngjae like this was ten years ago, when Youngjae twisted his ankle trying to run into his boyfriend’s arms because he was so excited. Instead of crying because of the pain, Youngjae just smiled brightly while giving tiny kisses all over Jaebum’s face. At that moment, the older hid his fluttering heart under a cool appearance and lowered himself so his lover could climb on his back. He carried Youngjae all the way home with blushes on his cheeks as Youngjae would list all the reasons why he loved him. They didn’t care about the kind of trouble they would get into. All they wanted was to be with each other every second of the day. Forever.

 

“Hmm…” The lawyer mumbled inaudiably and plopped his head right on the idol’s shoulder. His face snuggled comfortably in the crook of the man’s neck like it was completely natural.

 

“...” Jaebum didn’t dare to turn his head. Because he knew it himself he wouldn’t be able to control his heart.

 

An hour passed. Another hour passed. Didn’t want to wake up Youngjae, Jaebum kept walking with no clear destination in mind. It stopped snowing and the last few hours of this Christmas day gradually became less lively. Everyone had already gone home to the coziness of their homes. But the decorative lights have yet to sway. Jaebum smiled behind his mask. With Youngjae’s warmth, he could walk on for the rest of the night without feeling the slightest frost. On instinct, Youngjae tightened his arms around Jaebum’s shoulders.

 

Another hour passed.

 

“Down…” Youngjae finally said a coherent word in his drowsy state.

 

Obediently, Jaebum set Youngjae on a nearby water fountain. He made sure the younger could sit properly before taking a seat as well. Swaying his body back and forth lightly, Youngjae wore a content smile on his face as his eyes still shut peacefully. Jaebum watched his lawyer playfully run his fingers through the water below. Looking behind, the idol couldn’t help but notice the breathtaking scene of a beautiful waterfall streaming softly and sparkling elegantly by the reflection of countless lights around it. He shifted his eyes back to the person next to him.

 

“Youngjae-ah,” Jaebum said gently, “I love you.”

 

Eyes fluttering open slowly, Youngjae stared ahead at the man. His vision was still blurry, and his mind wasn’t in the right condition to make out who was in front of him. Who’s in front bearing such soft eyes full of love he didn’t know his subconscious was so desperate for? Who’s in front radiating such immense warmth on this cold, cold Christmas night?

 

Before Youngjae could ponder more, his vision suddenly went black and his lips felt the touch of another’s.

 

Jaebum didn’t want to succumb to his emotions. But it was so hard to hold back. All these years, he had tortured himself to death for ruining Youngjae’s life. So for this Christmas, he just wanted to ask for something selfish. With his mask tucked under his chin and hand over Youngjae’s eyes, Jaebum dared to steal a sweet kiss.

 

A painful kiss that set his heart on fire and mind scattered into the deep abyss of fierce love.

 

He pulled back and stared at the face that occupied his dreams and nightmares. Why did he risk it? Why did he risk it when he knew it himself he wouldn’t be able to control it? How can he be so selfish? Hadn't he had enough? Hadn’t he had enough of ruining his Youngjae?

 

But how could he stop?

 

He misses his Youngjae so much…

 

Youngjae’s back landed against the soft cushion of the bed as Jaebum straddled him. The older wasted no time leaning down to recapture those soft lips again. This time, their kiss turned aggressive with yearning. Jaebum peeled off Youngjae’s scarf and coat, mouth still working against the younger with intense heat and want. He pinned Youngjae’s arms down and intertwined their fingers as they gasped for breath between their kisses. Jaebum could barely remember what happened in the last thirty, forty, minutes. One second he was softly stealing a kiss, and the next second he had already carried Youngjae up the stairs of his house in his arms. His mind racing, heart thumping out of his chest, lips feeling every friction of passion burning against Youngjae’s.

 

After he left Youngjae, Jaebum had his fair shair of lust bouncing around on different people. He felt guilty sometimes, but he never expected himself to be caught up in Youngjae's life again. Though every time he kissed someone, every time he slept with someone, the image of Youngjae still carved deep within his mind like a parasite. When they were together, they didn't get past intense make-outs. But that didn't mean Jaebum didn't hold any desires for Youngjae. Jaebum never made love with anyone, just ed around with no strings attached, because in his heart, it's always been for Youngjae and Youngjae only.

 

The feeling of the younger's soft skin burned Jaebum's cold fingertips. Their lips stayed dancing messily against each other as they rapidly got lost in an incredible wildfire spreading throughout their bodies. Jaebum moved down from Youngjae's mouth, planting kisses on his neck and pulled apart the collars a little to reveal those untainted collarbones. If Jaebum was in the right state of mind, he'd hate himself for taking advantage of a drunk person. Hate himself for falling into temptation. Hate himself for interfering in Youngjae's life again.

 

"Mnn…" Youngjae gasped, finally feeling the haziness of lust inching up his head. His eyes were closed the entire time, but he could feel every organ of his body making a riot within. When was the last time he was this intimate with another human being?

 

Hearing Youngjae's breathy moan, Jaebum stopped. The older pulled himself up to look down at the sight below him. A wave of disgust crashed into his chest. "What… What the am I doing…" His low whisper echoed deadly in his ears. Jaebum stared at a red-faced, swollen lips, disheveled clothes, Youngjae just lying against the sheets of the bed belonging to no other than the person who took advantage of the ambiguous atmosphere on this lonely Christmas night. Jaebum was going mad. He can't stoop as low as this.

 

Can't believe himself, Jaebum slowly got off of Youngjae and backed away to the door. Horrified by his own actions, Jaebum didn't dare to move any closer. The was long gone, now replaced by anger and contempt for himself. How could he let this happen? How could he risk everything just for a night of pleasure? How could he dare to think about holding Youngjae again? How. Could. He. After what he had done to the person who's the love of his life, he dared to even cross the line like this? What happened to the promise to never ruin Youngjae's life again?

 

Jaebum sighed, dragging his feet over to the bed to tuck the already sleeping Youngjae in. He made sure the blanket covered the younger entirely, leaving only the head out for breathing purposes. He couldn't help but reach out and brush his hand gently against Youngjae's cheek. Sighing again, Jaebum decided to leave before things escalated once more.

 

"Youngjae-ah, I'm sorry."

 

<||><||><||><||><||>

 

"Can you please eat it. I swear it's not poisoned," the idol rolled his eyes.

 

The lawyer stared at the bowl of hangover soup with caution. He swirled the spoon a little before glancing back up at his client. "So what happened last night?"

 

"..."

 

"Why am I here? Why did I wake up in your room and not a guest room? How did we even meet? I certainly did not call you."

 

"Jeez. So many questions. Can't you just appreciate the fact that I safely brought you back?"

 

Youngjae eyed Jaebum suspiciously. Something didn't seem right. "Why didn't you call Kang Han?"

 

Upon hearing the name, Jaebum shifted uncomfortably in his seat. . He didn't think this through. There was absolutely no reason for Jaebum to bring Youngjae back to his house at all. Awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck, Jaebum tried to joke himself out of this. "Why are you acting so defensive? It's not like we ed-"

 

"EXCUSE ME???" Youngjae flipped his , eyes bulging and fear written all over his handsome face.

 

"That's the second time you've said that," Jaebum casually sipped on his coffee. "Relax. Nothing happened. I happened to run into you, and you were drunk as . So I just brought you back to my place."

 

"But why your place?"

 

"You rather here or out frozen in the streets? Up to you."

 

That shut the lawyer up. Although his head still swam with numbers of questions, Youngjae chose not to dig any deeper. He didn't want to annoy his client any further. "Th-thank you…" He said before drinking the soup.

 

Jaebum smiled tiredly, "You are welcome."

 

"... And I'm sorry for causing you inconvenience. It is very improper for a client of mine to-"

 

"Blah blah blah. Boring. Whatever. I don't really care."

 

It took Youngjae so much to hold in from lashing out at this manchild. "This won't happen again."

 

"Sure."

 

"..."

 

They sat in silence for a while. One man quietly finishing the soup while the other sipping on his coffee with no emotion in his ice-cold eyes. There was a heavy tension around them, and Youngjae soon felt very uncomfortable. But he didn't say anything. The silence dragged on for a million of years before Jaebum finally tore it apart with his sharp predatory teeth. "What if we ed?"

 

Youngjae almost spit out the last spoon of the soup. "H-huh?"

 

"I asked what if something really did happen last night."

 

"Well, I would be in big trouble."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because I can't sleep with my clients. That is unethical."

 

"I heard your co-worker sleeps with his clients all the time."

 

The lawyer swallowed, feeling self-conscious all of sudden, "He's not supposed to…"

 

"Hm."

 

"..."

 

Jaebum looked over to Youngjae and tilted his head. "Are you okay? Why is your face red?"

 

"N-nothing."

 

Now, this just got more interesting. Jaebum smirked, "Oh. Are you, perhaps, still a , Mister Lawyer?"

 

Youngjae froze. Blood boiled to his brain. "I believe that is a personal question."

 

"Of course."

 

"Then I choose not to answer, because we don't know each other like that."

 

Totally different from his mischievous expression, Jaebum's heart couldn't stop anxiously beating. "I mean, with the way you're reacting, it seems like you haven't laid with anyone yet."

 

"That is not true!" Youngjae didn't know why he got so worked up in the span of merely five seconds.

 

The second those words reached Jaebum's ears, his entire being roared in anger. "What?"

 

And Youngjae didn't know why he would be willing to sew out his personal life in front of his client. "Back in college, Kang Han and I… We…"

 

Jealousy clung onto Jaebum like a second skin. Possessiveness poured over his head mercilessly. He dug his own grave.

 

Youngjae continued, "We were in a friends-with-benefits kind of situation…"

 

"So buddies," Jaebum scoffed. He didn't mean for it to sound hostile.

 

"No… buddies are when you are emotionally unstable or trying to get over a certain someone, so you're just looking for physical pleasure and don't mind whoever you're sleepig with. Friends with benefits are emotionally stable and just wanna try things together." Youngjae explained nonchalantly, like he knew exactly what it really was.

 

That only made Jaebum even more upset. Not only did Youngjae manage to call him out, Youngjae treated it like he didn't regret his choices. Jaebum knew he didn't have any rights to be mad about this. They both didn't lose their ity to each other like they had planned in the past. On top of that, Youngjae's case wasn't a big deal since Youngjae had no memories of the past. But Jaebum, on the other hand, chose to lose it with some stranger he met at an event during his trainee days. Youngjae wasn't his anymore.

 

But it still hurts.

 

Jaebum just couldn't fathom with the fact that someone else had ran their hands over Youngjae's body and…

 

He didn't even want to think further.

 

He'll lose his .

 

"You two still at it?" Jaebum asked, didn't give a anymore. He's already in pain, might as well.

 

"No. After a year or so, Kang Han fell in love with his senior. We ended the thing on good terms. And stayed best friends since then. We never went back to it."

 

"Hm."

 

Youngjae finished the soup and looked over at Jaebum with a small smile. "Again, thank you. I guess I'll be taking my leave now."

 

Jaebum didn't say anything at first. Still hung up on Youngjae's business with Kang Han. The idol sat there as his lawyer got up and was ready to head out. Seeing that there was no reaction, Youngjae pursed his lips and waved off the confusion floating around in his head. He thought he was overthinking. Just moments ago, Jaebum was being such a tease, and now, the air around them changed almost instantly. Youngjae sighed and moved on.

 

Before he opened the front door, Youngjae stopped and turned around slightly. In a soft, quiet voice he said sincerely, "Your new release is very good, Im Jaebum-ssi."

 

Snapped out of whatever jealousy abyss he enchanted himself in, Jaebum tried to hide the excitement in his eyes. "Really?"

 

"Yeah," Youngjae turned around fully, "It was probably the reason why I drank so much." He bit his lower lip and looked off to the side.

 

"Thanks," the idol shrugged nonchalantly, "I wrote it with someone in mind."

 

The lawyer didn’t know why, but that hurts. And it must be because his hangover hasn't yet dissolved. The expression he wore did all the speaking for him. Youngjae sometimes hated the fact that he was so easy to read. Now, he’s standing here in a client’s home looking like a damn fool. Looking like he’s being broken up with. Absurdity reached its in his life.

 

And of course, Youngjae’s heart really did love doing things without asking his brain first. “Who?”

 

Surprised at the sudden simple question, Jaebum rendered speechless for a second. Though before the idol could form a proper answer, the front door swung open with the kind of force that only happens in movies. The nation’s wildest soccer player burst in without a second thought. Worry etched on his face as bright as day. “IM JAEBUM? WHERE THE ARE YOU?! WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE? DID YOU ATTEMPT SUICIDE AGAIN? JAEBUM YOU- Holy !” Myungdae stopped dead in his tracks the moment he set eyes on another figure in the house. Seeing Choi Youngjae was the last thing he expected when he invaded his best friend's house on the day after Christmas.

 

Forget feeling awkward, Youngjae straight up deadpanned, “Attempt suicide again?”

 

“O-oh… H-hey, Youngjae-ssi… Didn’t know you were here also…” Myungdae trailed off, then picked up that energy after half a second when he realized what was happening. “Wait. Why is Choi Youngjae here?! Jaebum?!”

 

“Stop barging in. This is not your house,” the idol rolled his eyes.

 

Myungdae rushed over to his best friend’s side, “You’re okay!”

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jaebum said sternly, eyes staring daggers at Myungdae to warn the athlete to shut up and don’t say anything stupid.

 

It was hard to let it slide now that Youngjae had heard every single word clearly. He turned to them with a solemn look on his face. “Myungdae-ssi, you didn’t elaborate.”

 

Should Myungdae be scared less? Probably. Because if looks could actually kill, he’d be dead from the intensity of that stare. How was he supposed to answer? He didn’t even notice his slip-up until Youngjae asked. Myungdae felt Jaebum’s fingers secretly grip tightly at the sleeve of his jacket, giving him warnings of what would happen to a wrong answer. In such a sticky situation, the athlete couldn’t wreck his brain more to think of a solution that wouldn’t end up with him being disposed of in the dumpster just twenty minutes from here. His brain finally came up with something. But before he could spew some utter nonsense, his eyes made contact with something else. And of course, his mouth worked a lot faster than his brain.

 

“…” Myungdae gasped involuntarily, “You two… Last night… Oh, my God. Youngjae-ssi… Y-your ne-neck…”

 

At this, Jaebum’s eyes widened and quickly looked up towards Youngjae’s neck. And there it was. The ing evidence of a quite wild night. Even though nothing really happened, something happened enough for there to be a problem. The idol’s entire body went into full fight-or-flight mode. Ready to execute Plan B, if there was one. Standing up, Jaebum was trying to explain, “That’s-”

 

But Youngjae was faster to dash into the nearest restroom.

 

Myungdae closed his mouth and turned to Jaebum, “Did you two-”

 

“NO!” Jaebum yelled and shook his head violently with horror in his usually emotionless eyes. “I-”

 

Youngjae stormed out and delivered a clean slap across Jaebum’s face. Red pooled the whites of his eyes as he balled his fists in anger. “You said NOTHING HAPPENED!”

 

Feeling the sting on his cheek, Jaebum shouted back, “AND NOTHING DID! I wasn’t lying!”

 

“THEN ING EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED HERE!” Youngjae jabbed a finger at his neck. What he saw in the mirror sent chills down his spine. Those marks traveled all the way down to his collarbones. And they weren’t some lighthearted kisses, but more like aggressive bruises that would last for days at least. He would have never thought about Im Jaebum in that way at all. Youngjae hated the fact that he couldn’t even remember anything to be able to make a clear judgment. What he saw triggered an emotional response. How was he supposed to show up to work like this?

 

Jaebum exhaled slowly to calm himself down before glaring at his best friend, who still awkwardly looking down at the floor like none of this had anything to do with him. Jaebum swallowed once and bravely looked at Youngjae. How the Hell was Youngjae still looking fine and handsome with such a messy, half-sober appearance with raging eyes would be a question Jaebum probably could never find the answer to. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was also a bit tipsy last night. I didn’t mean to offend you in any way. We really didn’t do anything serious. You have to believe me.”

 

The way Youngjae’s jaw clenched would make people run for their lives. He didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds. And that was enough to shut the entire house down. “I was living fine until you came and ruined it, Im Jaebum-ssi.” He turned, grabbed his things, and exited the house without another word to justify what he had meant.

 

Right after the door slammed shut, Myungdae dared to look up, “You weren’t tipsy, were you?” Being best friends for so many years, he knows exactly when Jaebum lies.

 

Sighing, Jaebum slumped down into his chair, “I was being stupid.” A tear rolled down his reddened cheek. He cupped it and smiled bitterly, feeling the sting from the slap more now than before. “He’s right.”

 

“No. Jaebum, stop-”

 

“I ruined his life.”

 

“Jaebum, I swear to God if you don’t stop this bull right now-”

 

“Both times.”

 

It was Myungdae’s turn to sigh. Disappointed and upset at Jaebum’s neverending self-blame bull, Myungdae still didn’t hesitate to wrap his best friend in a comforting embrace. Patting Jaebum’s back and playing with his hair as the idol cried silently. Trust Youngjae to bring Jaebum down to his lowest. “I know this isn’t the time. But I’m glad that you’re okay. Jaebum-ah, I’ll take you crying from a broken heart over you trying to kill yourself any day. So, please, if it hurts too much, just come to me. You can cry and scream all you want. Just don’t think that you’re doing good for the person you love by ending your life. I care for you, so please, please, please, stay alive.”

 

Jaebum hugged his best friend tighter. He appreciated Myungdae so much. But at this point, even words like those don’t have any effect on him anymore. Because…

 

“But I want Youngjae to care...”

 

 

 

 

 

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I will be consistent with weekly updates. For reals this time. Thank you for always supporting me and waiting for me. I love you all so much.

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