Kim Jonghyun. 

A name. A friend. A brother. A son. An idol. 

He was many things and meant something different to all sorts of people. Perhaps, he was that cute boy who you never quite knew. Perhaps, that singer with a beautiful voice. Perhaps, he was your idol, perhaps he was your bias. Perhaps, he was that ray of light which slipped its way in between the curtains into your dark room, that little glint of hope. 

What was he to us? 

Someone we had the utmost respect for, someone who we admired so much. He was someone who was a huge part of my friendship with KJK and Blxckro. We were about 11 years old when we found him, we've been growing with each other, him included for many years but now he's left us. We had a mutual interest in him and SHINee, he was my first ultimate bias, SHINee was my first K-pop group, not only did he get me interested in K-pop but just music in general. The 11-year-old me wouldn't have said much about music because she wasn't really into it but now it's a massive part of my life, a part which Jonghyun introduced me to so I thank him for that. At that time, K-pop was nowhere near as well-known as now, these days if I ask someone they'll know what it is but at that time hardly anybody knew. The only people in my life who did were KJK and Blxckro. Jonghyun strengthened our friendship and became a huge part of our memories without even knowing and now we'll never ever have the opportunity to let him know, at least not in this life. He joined our hands together but let go himself. 

He stood as a symbol of hard work and hope for lots of people, his passion for music was evident, as clear as crystal. It's tragic. A man so genuine, who filled others with hope lived a life feeling hopeless and helpless to the point where he just couldn't keep going. I can't imagine the suffering he was going through, it was to the extent where he took his own life. The method in which he took his life makes my heart ache even more, he died slowly over two hours, suffering. His life was full of suffering and even his death. He just didn't find peace in this world. 

He wanted to be saved. 

I'm convinced, he tried, he really did. So, like he requested, even if you can't smile whilst letting him go, please don't blame him. In hindsight, there seemed to be so many signs, if only we had realised sooner. He admitted his struggles before, he went to a doctor but that only made him feel as if he was blamed, he poured his emotions, his story into his songs. He was begging to be saved, but his voice just wasn't heard loud enough. I often listen to his songs when I'm tired, when I study, when I just want to relax and have a good time, I listen so often but now everything sounds so different and seems to have a much deeper, darker meaning. If I needed comforting I would listen to his songs but now they just hurt me. They weren't just songs or poetry, they were a plea for help, any help, from anyone, he just wanted one person to know his struggles. I sometimes felt concerned for him listening to his songs and hoped he was okay, I just figured he's an idol and a bit stressed but his scars ran much deeper. 

 I'm sorry to him, for not realising, I'm sorry for not seeing the struggles of someone who showed me so much good in the world, without him the world appears a little less bright and feels colder. He was so young and my heart goes out to his friends and family, I can't imagine their state right now. 

He sent his suicide letter to his friend a few days before he actually took his life, as if he wanted to be saved, he was trying one last time hoping someone would see his struggles. I feel as if he was giving himself and everyone else one last chance to save him. Just one more time he allowed himself to have hope. 

 No, I'm not blaming his friend. I'm just saying he did want to be seen, he tried till his last moment. He texted his sister a farewell message and straight after went to a shop and purchased some things for himself, part of me believes that was another attempt to save himself, perhaps, he wanted someone to recognise him and offer him some words of encouragement. He needed to know that his presence was felt and was important. However, it just didn't happen. He wanted help but he just couldn't find it alone. 

I pray that his death won't go to waste and that the industry sees this as a wakeup call, that society realises mental health issues like depression are like any other medical condition, they don't have an on/off switch and it's not just a phase. I feel as if there's more stigma against such issues in Asian communities and a lack of awareness and understanding, if it was understood he would be here now, walking down the road which would lead him back to his smile, and his friends, family and fans would all be besides him, the whole way. We would've all held on to him a little tighter if we knew his pain. It's so so unfortunate that he felt as if he was alone, there was thousands of people over the world who loved him so dearly and would've came running to his aid with just one word from him. Why did he not realise? It's a question I can't help but ask. It's too tragic. 

Yesterday, when I got the news of his death I was in complete shock I didn't know what to feel but today the grief really hit me, it's hard to hear his voice and to see his pictures right now. The pictures, videos and songs are all we have now, no more live performances will come with him, we can't see him before us, can't meet him, he can't speak to us directly now. However, he will in all the memories he left behind, his legacy, that can speak to us, and we can learn from him even if he's not besides us now. He's going to be living within the hearts of anyone who loved and cared for him so the best thing we can do is start smiling again. When you need to mourn then mourn, but do your best to be happy. If you're suffering and you need help please seek out for it, let someone know. Just as, if there's someone you think needs help even if it's a slight suspicion do something about it, don't leave it pending, because that suspicion you had could turn out to be true and turn into pain and regrets. This whole ordeal just shows you never fully know what's below the surface so do your best to look carefully. 

Now to Jonghyun. I really loved and respected you, I find it crazy that you're gone, it doesn't seem real. I didn't want to believe it, I still don't. I only slept for 4 hours today as I was thinking about you last night and when I woke, as soon as I opened my eyes, your song 'Let me out' was stuck in my mind, your voice was there with me but I realised you no longer were with this world, my first thought was just ', he's really dead, he's gone.' I wish it was just a nightmare and that I get woken up, but it's not just a nightmare, right? Too many people are going through too much pain right now, so many tears have been shed, the lack of your presence, the hurt, the confusion, it's all too real. So, there's no way it's just a dream. I genuinely apologise, I'm sorry for whatever you went through, you of all people didn't deserve that. I know when someone dies, only the good things about them come to mind, people push the bad things to the side so I tried quite hard to think of something I didn't like about you, any bad quality, and there was really nothing, you were a humble and genuine person to me. 

I read your parting letter and I felt every word you said. It's too late but I hear you now. Someone should've said this before but that can't be reversed so I'll say it now. 

 You found it hard, that's okay, it was not your fault you were never to blame. I know you worked hard I really do, we all knew, it's one of the reasons why you touched so many people. You deserved a good life for yourself because you worked for it, it was you who put in hours of effort into your music. You should've lived and led a beautiful life for yourself because you wanted it, needed it and absolutely deserved it. 

I'll think of you as angel who returned to his place.  

I'll always think of you. 

We're sorry, thank you and we love you. 

Rest in peace, angel. 

Goodbye,  

                  Kim Jonghyun.