A BAD FEELING

One year ago

Ravi bellowed, yelled and screamed at the top of his lungs.

He was rarely agitated.

He never threw items. He never slapped tables. He never slammed his fist against the wall.

But right there, he did.

His whole world had crumbled beneath his feet.

To get rid of all burdens of the heart, Leo had told him. Love is an earthly illusion. I had to see beyond it.

He had disappeared from the face of the Earth overnight, uncontactable ever since.

You were a mere worldly possession, and all pursuers of spiritual enlightenment needed to be rid of such burdens, he had told him in his final letter.

Romance is hindrance. Attachment is redundant. Showing affection is characteristic of lowly beings.

To achieve greater things, one has to let go of material possessions.

Ravi clenched his fist, crumpling the letter along with it.

He had not merely been ‘let go of’. He had been abandoned – by the person he would last think of doing so.

How did things change so abruptly?

I had thought you enveloped my entire world, but I was wrong, Leo had said. But I’m glad to have come to realise so. To have realised that only Buddhism is the answer to all philosophies, that unnecessary humanly feelings are nothing but illusory weapons, obstructive to discovering one’s true destiny.

And I hope that one day you will learn to get rid of such unnecessary obsessions as well.

He had left Ravi nothing but a small chain of prayer beads.

-----------------------------------------------------

Present

“Character design,” Hakyeon tapped on his sketchbook. He had brought it over from home for the first time, much to Hongbin’s bewilderment. “Let’s start on that.”

Hongbin nodded absentmindedly. He was too distracted by his own thoughts. Should he do it today?

“Hey, hey,” the other man waved his pencil frantically in front of his face. “What the hell’s up with you today? You’re zoning out.”

As if on cue, Hongbin snapped out of his trance. “I-uh...nothing.”

“You know I’m more than just your gaming buddy, right,” the older man commented. “If you’ve got something bothering you, I’m here to listen.”

Hongbin glanced nervously at Hakyeon but could not make eye contact with him. Hakyeon raised an eyebrow, waiting silently.

“Let’s just get started on...what was it again?” Hongbin’s gaze fell onto the sketchbook. “Oh, right. Character design...uhh...hehe.”

Hakyeon shot him a weird look and shrugged.

He began doodling on an empty page, hoping Hongbin would be patient as he sketched his dream character, and praying that his idea would be well-received. The latter, however, just watched Hakyeon dazedly.

He was more than just a gaming buddy.

“You know, every game needs a powerful wizard,” Hakyeon began, oblivious to Hongbin’s lack of attention. “And research has shown that the older and wiser he looks, the more appealing he is,” he whispered, completing the outlines of what seemed like an aged face.

“Hakyeon...?”

“Yes?” he asked, unable to pull his eyes away from his drawing.

“I, uhh...have a question for you,” Hongbin started, choosing his words carefully.

The other man kept silent as he waited for him to continue.

“I was just thinking, that maybe...maybe...uhhh...”

“Yeah?” Hakyeon finally looked up from his drawing. He stared at Hongbin expectantly, taking the latter by surprise and rendering him speechless.

 “Maybe what?” he prompted. “That we should make out on this couch right now?”

He saw Hongbin’s eyes widen. “No, I’m just kidding. Take a joke and loosen up,” he laughed. “You look like a nervous wreck.”

Hongbin stared at Hakyeon for a full minute. “I-I thought you were serious for a second,” he began. “But...actually...that was what I wanted to talk about.”

He had shifted his gaze to the floor, rubbing his fingers nervously.

“I-uh, it,” he took a deep breath and closed his eyes shut. “Cha Hakyeon, I just wanted to ask if you want be my boyfriend.”

There was silence.

Hongbin fought to open his eyes for a peek, but he was both excited and afraid. His heart pounded against his chest, and he hoped Hakyeon could not hear it.

He had been contemplating saying that for a few days now, and he could not believe he actually did it.

“Hongbin...?”

“...yeah?”

“I...”

It was either life or death now.

“Well,” Hakyeon began after trailing off. “I think we should just remain as good friends.”

Hongbin finally opened his eyes and turned to him, regretting it once he realised what Hakyeon had just said.

“I’m sorry for that cracking that joke just now,” the other continued. “I thought it was funny, but I guess not. I’m sorry...”

“W-why not,” Hongbin sunk back in the couch. His face was steaming red, but he did not realise it – the feeling of having his hopes crushed had overwhelmed his other senses. “Where am I lacking? I can–”

“It’s not that,” Hakyeon replied, noting how disappointed the other sounded. “We are not compatible, that’s all.”

“That’s...painful to hear,” Hongbin conceded. “Hell, I’ve spent so long believing in us.”

Hakyeon sat up, putting away his sketchbook. He turned to face Hongbin directly, patting him on the shoulders. “Look...we can still be friends. I believe in our synergy. All the time we’ve spent so far...I’m genuinely thankful and appreciative of that.”

“And I look forward to our future,” he continued. “I wanted us to be best buddies.”

Hongbin cracked into a huge smile, startling Hakyeon.

“I guess that’s the best option for now,” he bit his lips. “I was worried that I needed have my nose lengthened. So that I looked more like your favourite idol. Kenneth or something.”

“But I think I’ll settle with your suggestion instead,” he laughed. “At least I’ll get to keep my natural face.”

Hakyeon frowned, but chuckled in disbelief.  This man is really strange.

“You...sure?” he asked. “That you are okay?”

Hongbin smiled. “Yeah. We can pretend this...conversation...never happened.”

He reached behind Hakyeon for his sketchbook. “Come on. Show me your finished sketch, alright?”

-----------------------------------------------------

“Are you really sure about this,” Jaehwan groaned. “You guys can go without me, really.”

“Shush,” Hyuk muttered with his back turned to Jaehwan. He rummaged through the man’s closet, throwing every other piece of clothing behind him, towards what he hoped was Jaehwan’s approximate position. “You’re coming with us, period.”

“Hey! These are branded things. Treat them nicely!” Jaehwan yelled, darting left and right to catch his clothes. He reluctantly folded and packed them into his luggage. “And I was there just last month. There’s really no need.”

“But who was complaining that he didn’t get the chance for sightseeing?” Hyuk continued nonchalantly. “It’s Leo’s hometown. I’m sure he’ll be able to guide us around.”

“I don’t even know that man,” Jaehwan whined. “And you want me to spend my hard-earned break with him?”

“Dude, I’ll be there too. And I’ve told you before – he sings well like you do...pretty sure you both will hit it off well.”

“Don’t get me wrong – I love socialising, but I just don’t have a good feeling about this man.”

Hyuk shrugged. He brushed his palms and closed Jaehwan’s wardrobe, turning around to face him. “What do you think the weather will be like? Oh, and I hope we run into Dumbbin. I would love to see his face of disgust...God, I’m so excited.”

Jaehwan rolled his eyes and sighed. Despite his scepticism, his hands had a mind of their own, and he found himself packing more and more quickly, as if he could not wait for the trip.

He knew he could not extinguish that little flame of excitement that burned deep down within him. What if he ran into him, again?

He did not show it, but his eyes twinkled with anticipation.

That deep voice and handsome features, and...his cuddly dog...

-----------------------------------------------------