It feels like Deja Vu. It's late in the afternoon and the sun is shining overhead. Before Jongin, parked in front of his neighbor's house, is a familiar car. An even more familiar boy stands tall beside it. The similarities end there. The summer is long gone, and the ground is still a little icy from the melting snow. The boy's hair is a deep black now and hidden mostly underneath a cap, and he's not alone.

The person beside Sehun is female, and tall even if she is dwarfed by Sehun's size. She's standing in front of the car and Jongin can only see her side profile, but she holds herself in a manner that reminds him of Ms. Song, and he knows that this woman is Sehun's mother.

He stands at the edge of the street, far enough not to disturb them and yet still feels awkward seeing his friend for the first time in weeks.

The pair hug, Sehun's mother's arms looping around him, making her seem even smaller as he returns the hug. She pulls away first, touching his face. Jongin can get a better glimpse of the woman's features if he tilts his head in just the right way, if he takes a step or two closer, he could probably hear just a bit of their conversation without disturbing them. He doesn't move.

Whatever she says is brief and moments later she's stepping into the car and it's pulling off. Sehun stuffs his hands in his coat pockets and watches the car, and Jongin watches him. It's inevitable but Jongin still visibly flinches in surprise when Sehun's eyes land on him. His body tenses, muscles constricting as he finds himself stuck between wanting to reach out and wanting to turn on his heels and race off.

Sehun doesn't say anything, doesn't make a move. He is unreadable. His eyebrow twitches and his lips have thinned into a straight line. To Jongin he looks even colder than the icy streets.

Their standstill ends just as abruptly as it started. Sehun turns on his heel, and heads towards his aunt's home, and Jongin watches him go.

Hours later Jongin stares at a window with curtains that never move for another night.

School resumes without a hitch and Jongin wakes up exhausted the next day, but early enough to initiate his plan. He leaves early, skipping breakfast and waits outside of his house, backpack on the bench beside him, and eyes looking over to his neighbor's front gate every other second. He waits until he's shivering, and his face has gone numb. The cold is seeping down to his fingers despite having them stuffed deep into his large coat. He leaves when he knows he can't stay any longer without being late to school, fingers numb and stomach churning.

It's the first day back from winter break and Jongin feels more dread than he's felt even when starting high school. He's alone like he's never been before with Sehun giving him the cold shoulder and him screwing things up with Soojung and Jinri.

The day drags on, Jongin feels pathetic and small and keeps to himself through the entire day. He doesn't linger around school in hopes of seeing Sehun when classes end and just walks home alone. 

It continues in the same vein for the rest of the week. Jongin goes to school by himself, eats lunch by himself, and walks home by himself. He tries when he's in class, he interacts with his classmates and other kids he’s closed to, but he still can't help but feel alone.

Sometimes he'll catch a glimpse of Soojung, usually she'll glare and turn away if she notices him looking. Seeing Jinri always puts him in a horrible mood. She'll frown sometimes. Other times she'll press her lips together, her eyes narrowing like she's moments away from saying something to him. He'd been in the hall with a classmate after PE and caught her just staring, an expression he'd never seen dimming her bright features and he'd felt guilty at once. Soojung had told her what he said, and Jongin knows he hurt her especially.

They've been friends since they were in diapers, Jongin unofficially taking up the role of Jinri's protector when they were five, even though Jinri was always better at protecting herself and him than the other way around. They fight about stupid memes and who's more embarrassing. Jongin hasn't not talked to Jinri for more than a day since they were kids and Jongin said they couldn't be friends because she was a girl. He was an idiot then; he’s starting to believe not much has changed.

Sehun on the other hand is a ghost. They live next door to each other and yet all Jongin sees are shadows of him. He'll see broad shoulders passing by or hear a too familiar laugh but when he takes a second look nothing's there. Sehun's avoiding him and despite spending every second looking towards his window and hoping to catch a glimpse, Jongin is more than okay with it.

******

January 14th comes fast and suddenly. Not much has changed in the weeks leading up to it and Jongin wakes up feeling none of the usual excitement that comes with his birthday.

He lingers in bed purposely not looking towards his phone, knowing that if he sees the lack of text messages, he'll feel even worse. His self-pity doesn't last long, he can hear his mother calling for him and Jongin leaves the comfort of his room with reluctant steps, more than just a little annoyed that his birthday falls on a Sunday of all days.

"Do you have anything planned today," his mother asks him over breakfast. Jongin's mother has a sixth sense, she knows something's wrong even though she hasn't said anything. Jongin can tell she's concerned from the voice she uses and how she stares at him as if he's going to cry or something.

Jongin gives a light shrug and looks down at the food she's made, she's not the greatest cook but she always goes all out when it's someone's birthday and he can't help but appreciate it. "I think my friends have something planned," he lies.

"Oh," she says, and Jongin ignores how surprised she sounds. "Well, try to get back early. You've got school tomorrow and we wanted to celebrate your birthday as a family for a bit. Jongdae will be here in the evening."

Jongin leaves in the early afternoon and spends most of his day between the arcade and PC cafe. No one bothers him and Jongin gets so immersed in the games he doesn't feel as bad as he did earlier. He stays out till just after four and treks back home.

On the bench between his house and Sehun's sits a small gift bag, and Jongin can't help but frown down at it.  The front of the bag says, "happy birthday," in a silly English font, but there's no inscription nor card. He hesitates before taking a seat and bringing the back into his lap. Inside the bag is a box, and Jongin reads the description finding that it's a small pocket-sized sketchbook with a few different pencils, all just a little larger than the average wallet.

He looks towards his neighbor's house, knowing he won't see anything but still hope blooms within him.

Jongdae's at his bedroom door again. It's been hours since their family dinner and somehow their mom managed to convince him to spend the night since he only has an afternoon class on Mondays.

"What's wrong," Jongin asks, turning towards his brother and frowning deeply. Jongdae's never really serious and for him to stand at his door for a second time in under a month, with such an unreadable expression, Jongin can't help but feel a little trepidation.

"You know you can talk to me about anything right," Jongdae asks, voice soft but firm.

"Yeah," Jongin whispers, nodding his head to go along with the word.

"I mean it, Jongin," Jongdae presses. "Mom and dad are worried, and... you're being weird lately."

"I'm not being weird," Jongin argues, frowning and turning towards his desk, "and there's nothing to be worried about."

'Okay," Jongdae says, and Jongin can hear the smile in his voice. "Just thought I'd remind you that you can come to me about anything: school, girls, mom and dad. Seriously, anything. Anything you might think is embarrassing, won't top half the stuff Chanyeol and Baekhyun tell me. Baekhyun especially has no filter when drunk or sober. His existence is just one giant embarrassment."

Jongin can't help the laugh that bubbles pass his lips as his brother's smile drops into a grimace. "I'll come to you if there's something that's bothering me," he promises his brother.

"That's all I ask," Jongdae teases, backing out of the room just as Jongin's phone pings. Jongin looks from his brother to his phone, his frown of confusion turning into a look of wonder as he sees the notification on his screen. It's simple but Jongin finds that feeling from when he'd open the present waiting for him on their bench, warming his body.

[22:05] Jinri: Happy birthday.

******

Jongin shuffles on his feet, biting on his bottom lip as he waits for someone to come to the door. It feels like it takes longer than normal before the door opens and Soojung's standing on the other side. Her expression of curiosity closes off when she notices it's him. Jongin breathes in deep and asks the one question that he's been hesitating on.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?"

Soojung's eyebrows furrow and she frowns, lips pulling down at the sides. "Gonna tell me how much it makes you a freak to be gay again," she whispers the words, stepping out onto the porch so Jongin can hear her better.

"No," Jongin answers, "I'm sorry."

Soojung's stare is hard and Jongin can't help but fidget underneath it. She sighs after a moment and looks back towards the house. "Wait here," she commands, stepping back inside and closing the door. Jongin does as he told even though he feels more anxious than at the beginning, but when the door opens for a second time, Soojung's stepping out with a coat on.

"Let's go for a walk," she commands, stepping pass him and leading the way. Jongin follows after her obediently. It's quiet, Jongin doesn't know what to say and Soojung isn't saying a thing.

"You know," Soojung says finally. "Jinri's a lesbian. I'm not, I'm Biual. I can- I can just about fall for anyone, I could stay with the opposite and no one would know. Jinri can't and she struggled with it for a while. The first time we kissed she cried. What she went through is different than what I went trhough, if I hadn't fallen for her, I probably would have ignored it. It's hard, Jongin."

"I'm sorry," Jongin mutters, shrinking into himself.

Soojung shakes her head, "I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. I'm just trying to say that we understand. We would have listened if you came to us. We'll still listen."

Jongin nods and looks over to his friend. Soojung isn't looking at him, she's focused on the path, so it makes it easier for him to say his next words. "Soojung, I think I'm gay." It's his first time saying it out loud and he feels mildly queasy despite knowing that Soojung is the least likely to judge him for his admission.

"You think," Soojung repeats.

Jongin shrugs, "I don't know, maybe there will be a girl in the future." Maybe it's a cop-out, maybe Jongin still isn't one-hundred percent ready to say he's gay. There's a comfort in an unnamed woman in his future and the sound of pattering feet, and maybe Jongin's not yet ready to give it up.

Soojung is quiet and Jongin expects her to tell him it doesn't work that way or at least call him out on his hesitance.

"Maybe there will be," Soojung muses. "But there isn't one right now, right?"

"I like Sehun," Jongin admits for the first time not only out loud but to himself as well. He likes Sehun beyond what's considered a normal friendship. He might have liked Sehun from the very beginning but thinking along those lines causes the same nauseated feeling as thinking that he'll only ever like the same .

"Not a bad choice for a first love," Soojung teases, laughing for the first time when Jongin tosses a pitiful glare in her direction. "Hey, Jongin," she calls.

Jongin hums his response, once again following her lead as she stops in her tracks and faces him head on.

"I'm happy for you, you know. everyone else, the hardest part is being true to yourself. Half the battle's won."

Jongin grins at that, eyeing the smile on her lips. She's still one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen, and he feels glad to have her as one of his best friends. "You could be a motivational speaker," he teases.

Her grin broadens showing her teeth. She reaches towards him, arms looping around his waist and chin resting on his shoulder. "I love you even when you're being dumb, just so you know. I'll always forgive, Jongin, you can't help that your IQ is so low. God said, 'let's bless him with beauty and talent but make him an idiot to make it fair for everyone else.' Who am I to be upset with divine intervention?"

"Why are you like this," Jongin whines even though he's got his own smile on his lips and he feels warmer than he's felt in days.

Soojung pokes his side and Jongin flinches away. "Because," she starts, "it was torture not talking to you all that time. Happy belated birthday, idiot."