With a sigh the faded color of snow against the late autumn air, Sehun leans back against the school building, squinting towards the cloudy sky. His face feels stiff and foreign. His nose burns from the dryness of the atmosphere and he's sure it's a bright and distracting red. There are tears at the corners of his eyes, threatening to fall with each slow blink, and he's not sure if it's because of his burning nose or the way the icy air has lashed relentlessly at his face for the last few minutes.

"Sehun," he hears, causing him to grip the phone in his left hand just a little tighter before roughly shoving it into his coat pocket. He hears the call of his name a second time and catches sight of Jongin hurrying towards him. Jongin's wearing a heavy coat, and the scarf wrapped around the lower half of his face makes his words sound muffled.

It's been two weeks since that encounter with Soojung in her kitchen. The very next day Sehun had awoken to the sight of Jongin hugging his pillow in his sleep and all he could think was that it would all be over soon. His friendships, his peace of mind, it would all evaporate into thin air because of a conversation that should have never taken place.

But then the others had woken up and Soojung had spent the early afternoon snuggled against him, quiet and grounding. That should have been enough. That would have been enough, except that night was the first time Sehun had ever been honest about his feelings. He couldn't ignore it, couldn't just go back to normal knowing that his stupid heart wasn't reading into things that weren't really there. Someone else had noticed.

It was still terrifying, knowing that Soojung saw it too. That there was something between him and Jongin, something that wasn't as one-sided as he'd allowed himself to believe.

"Sehun," Jongin whines, when he's standing less than a meter away from him. "Where have you been?"

Sehun can't help the smile that pulls at his lips, keeping his gaze steady on Jongin despite the heavy thumping of his heart. "Same place as you, school."

Jongin's frowning, Sehun can't see his lips but he can tell from the expression of the other's eyes. "I feel like I've barely seen you," Jongin admits.

"We live next door to each other," Sehun teases him, standing straight. "And eat lunch together."

"You know what I mean," Jongin tells him, and Sehun does. He's been avoiding spending time alone with Jongin for more than one reason.

"I've been dying for hot chocolate," Sehun muses aloud. "There was this nice cafe near my old school that had the greatest hot chocolate ever. Do you know where to get a good hot chocolate, Jongin?"

Jongin doesn't answer at first and Sehun just stares expectantly. "Of course," he says at last. "I can take you right now."

"Was she mad when you came home," Jongin asks thirty minutes later. The pair of them are both sitting side by side in the little space between both their homes, a cup of cooling hot chocolate in their hands.

Sehun shrugs his answer. "We don't really communicate. She was frowning when I got back, but she always frowns around me."

Jongin's quiet at that, but Sehun can feel the heat of his gaze on his cold skin. "Do you think she hates me now?"

"Not any more than she did before the sleepover," Sehun answers back, grinning into his hot chocolate.

Jongin doesn't rise to the bait. "Do you think you can start coming over again?"

The question catches Sehun off guard, and he turns his head towards the boy beside him. Jongin is staring steadily ahead, but he’s gripping his cup tightly.

“Yeah,” Sehun answers after a moment. He waits until Jongin is looking at him before he continues, “I think I can.”

It’s easier to go back to how things were from there. Jongin's family welcomes him into their home just like before, and Sehun stops overthinking. Sometimes, something small will happen. They'll sit too close, or Jongin will stare a little too long, and Sehun will find himself reacting to it. Wondering what would happen if he gave in to the feelings. It’s never more than a fleeting thought that leaves just as quickly as it comes.

******

"I wanna die," Jinri proclaims, faced pressed into her desk. Soojung laughs a teasing laugh, but Sehun feels for her. "Why are the exams so hard?"

"They wouldn't be if you'd paid attention when I was trying to tutor you instead of just copying my homework."

"Maybe you shouldn't have made it so easy to copy your homework," Jinri shoots back. Sehun looks up to the pair of them to see Soojung flushing as she bats at Jinri's arm, muttering something too low for him to hear.

He turns then to Jongin. The boy's eyes are on his textbook and he's listening to music through his earbuds. Sehun taps him to get his attention.

"Yeah," Jongin asks, doing that horrible thing where he taps his pen against his lips and causes Sehun's brain to slow down.

"How are your exams going," he asks, laughing when Jongin groans.

"Why are you so calm," Jongin asks him.

"Perks of not caring," Sehun says shrugging. "You know I don't want to go to college."

"Yeah," Jongin says quietly, "You want to go to France."

"Qui," Sehun replies with a grin.

It's snowing by the time they leave school. It's light and has barely covered the ground, but both boys find themselves excited by it.

"We should build a snowman," Sehun says, his hand is out in front of him catching snowflakes and watching them dissolve in his palm.

"I doubt it'll snow enough for that," Jongin says.

"I bet it will," Sehun challenges.

"What do I get if I'm right," Jongin asks.

Sehun shrugs at the question and puts his hand back into the pocket of his coat. "Anything you want. I'll treat you to a meal, and if I'm right you...." he trails off pausing. "You have to do one thing I ask of you."

"Okay," Jongin says and the pair of them shake hands. They go to Jongin's house, Sehun promising to help Jongin study but really, just planning to play with Jongin's dogs. When he leaves it's still snowing and Sehun spends the rest of the evening teasing Jongin about their bet through texts.

******

Sehun squints down and glares, the bright blue light of his cellphone irritating his eyes in the otherwise dark room. He'd been staring at it in intervals for the past 30 minutes. Not much has changed in the time since then. A notice that his game's crops were ready to be harvested appeared once, but that wasn't what was keeping him awake and staring at his phone. No, it was the single notification of a new voicemail that never seemed to budge no matter how many times he'd pressed the lock key on the phone, watching it fade to black and burst into light time and time again.

"Sehun," the voicemail starts off after a second-long pause. "I was told this was still your number. I didn't want to leave a voicemail, but you haven't been answering my calls or texts and you deleted your Kakaotalk and I just...wanted to speak with you. How are you? It's not the same here without you, man."

There's another pause, this one is too long and unnatural. Sehun almost thinks the voicemail is over, but then the voice is back, softer now and more hesitant. "I'm sorry," is whispered. "I know I should have said it back then, but I was so confused and afraid and I didn't mean to, you know. It just sort of happened, my parents were ready to send me away and I-"

Sehun ends the voicemail and glares at his phone. He tosses it onto his bedside table and lays back in bed. He lays there, glaring at the ceiling, trying to will himself back to sleep despite knowing that it won't work.

The message keeps replaying in his head. It just sort of happened? Like kissing Sehun, sort of happened, and all those times he told Sehun he was prettier than any girl he knew sort of happened? Like leading Sehun into thinking they were in a relationship sort of happened? Like throwing Sehun under the bus despite Sehun being pinned under him on his parents’ sofa sort of happened?

He rubs roughly at his face, using the force of that to distract him. It still doesn't work, and so he looks towards his half-open curtains. That voice, that person, had been his best friend before it all went to hell. Sehun should have learned his lesson.

******

Sehun's going to run out of erasers at this point. He's been tossing them relentlessly against Jongin's window for the last few minutes, the soft thud of them hitting the glass the only sound besides the whistling wind. He decides maybe if they leave marks in the snow he'll fetch them later, after they've served their one true purpose.

Two more erasers later and a handful littering the ground between their windows, Jongin appears. "Do you do anything like a normal person," Jongin asks as soon as he shoves open his window.

 Sehun tries not to laugh, but it's difficult. Jongin's hair is a mess, his eyes are half-open despite the glare and frown on his lips.

"Jongin," Sehun whispers sweetly, leaning most of his long body out of his window. "Do you want to build a snowman?" It takes him a while, but Sehun waits patiently his grin broadening as Jongin's look of confusion shifts into one of understanding. His gaze drops from Sehun's face to the many inches of snow below them.

The pair can hardly make it to the nearby park before they get involved in an early morning snowball fight. Irregularly shaped balls of snow are lobbed at each other as they head to their destination, running and yelling at one another. Once at the park, they call a cease-fire and Sehun tries his hand at a snow angel, Jongin standing above him looking with something Sehun would say was a cross between exasperation and amusement.

"What do you want," Jongin asks him once Sehun is standing again. His backside feels cold and wet but he ignores it.

"Hmm," Sehun hums.

"You won the bet, what do you want?"

Sehun shrugs, "I'll collect on our bet eventually."

They do end up building a snowman with Sehun humming a Christmas song purposely off key. It's lopsided and there's only one arm, but both boys make it a point to take a dozen pictures. They only return home when the cold seeps to Sehun's bones and Jongin drags him off, nagging away as they follow the familiar path they'd taken. The rest of the snowy day is spent in the warmth of Jongin's bedroom, drinking store purchased hot chocolate and playing with Jongin's dogs.

******

There's a relief when classes end for winter break. Exams are over, Christmas is approaching, and the year is almost over. On their last day of classes, the four of them head to Jongin's house and Sehun wonders if he'll be introduced to a new tradition they might have.

"Are you going skiing this year," Jongin asks Soojung as he spins in his desk chair.

"No," Soojung says. "It's only fun when my sister comes along, and she's been busy with work. We might not even see her before the new year."

"Jongdae invited us to an end of semester party," Jongin says. "Do you want to go?"

"Jongdae invited us to a party," Soojung asks, she's laying on Jongin's bed in front of where Sehun sits, so Sehun can't see the face she makes.

"What's that supposed to mean," Jongin asks scowling at her, "Your sister lets you drink wine when you're with her."

"Baekhyun invited us," Sehun says, speaking up from his spot beside Jinri on Jongin's bed, "Jongdae just said he was okay with it."

"And you want to go," Soojung asks Jongin, Jinri crackles at that and Sehun cracks his own smile at the sight of Jongin's grimace.

"Of course, we do," Sehun says.

"It'll be fun," Jinri agrees.

Jongin just shrugs. Sehun knows he's hesitant about it. The party is at a venue in the middle of Seoul, filled with people Jongin doesn't know that will probably be drinking, but Sehun could see the want in his eyes when Baekhyun had first brought it up. There was a part of Jongin that did want to go and Sehun wouldn't allow him the chance to miss out on it, especially when he had Sehun at his side to at least keep some of the newness of it at bay.

******

Sehun takes the window seat, his arm pressed against Jongin's as Jongin leans back in his seat, eyes closed. Across from them are Jinri and Soojung, Jinri has her head on Soojung's shoulder and they're listening to music. The bus doesn't have many people and maybe Sehun could do the same thing if he tried but he doesn't think he should.

In Seoul he takes the lead as navigator, leading their group through the dark and confusing streets without a second thought. He knows the place they're going to. It's a basement establishment that he himself has never been to, but the boys in his former school seemed to always know someone that was throwing a party there. It's not a comforting thought, but he'd already committed to going by the time he'd found out that piece of information.

"Chanyeol's there," Jongin says, looking up from his phone. Sehun's heard of Chanyeol, Jongdae's tallest friend and one of his closest. They were born to be best friends or something, close since before either of them could actually walk or talk. Jongin tells the story like Chanyeol's another brother of his. It makes the excitement understandable when Sehun remembers that Jongin hasn't seen Chanyeol in nearly a year. Unlike Jongdae and Baekhyun, Seoul was home to Chanyeol in ways that Jongin couldn't understand and the other boys couldn't relate to. Sehun understood it, even if he hadn't found that type of home yet.

"It's up ahead," Sehun remarks ten minutes later. There's a small number of people loitering just outside the place, a few girls, and a boy on his phone. Sehun's still in the lead as he walks them past the people, down the stairs, and into the place.

There's a lot of people, but it's nowhere near how much Sehun had feared it would be, most are off in their own groups, the music is loud but not too loud and the atmosphere is lively. He searches in the dim lighting for Baekhyun or Jongdae to no avail and turns towards his group of friends. "Where are they," he asks, knowing that Jongin's been actively communicating with them since getting off the bus.

"Near the bar," Jongin answers, pointing towards the left of the room. The group heads towards the direction he'd pointed in, Jinri moving rhythmically as she does so, a hand around Soojung's wrist. Sehun does spot them eventually. The small group taking up a few seats. He notices when Baekhyun spots them in return. Jongdae meanwhile is in a conversation with two girls and a man that Sehun can only assume is Chanyeol.

The introductions are swift. The girls’ names are Jina and Haeun and both are friendly even if Jina is obviously the more outgoing one in the pair. Baekhyun volunteers to get drinks, and Jina follows complaining that he's never able to get her order right, but Sehun just thinks they're flirting.

Chanyeol is a musician. He's also a biology major with an interest in teaching if things don't work themselves out. His voice is deep enough to send shivers up and down Sehun's spine, and he's not sure if it's the dimples or the way the leather jacket hangs off Chanyeol shoulders, but Chanyeol feels dangerous. Sehun feels exposed, like he's one lingering look away from having all his secrets laid bare.

Sehun can't hold it against him. Chanyeol's friendly, he can lead a conversation like Baekhyun, but he's calm and listens well like Jongdae. Sehun can see why the three of them are friends.

It’s comfortable and Sehun can tell that Jongin’s happy. They don’t really stray from the group, and the group of college students treats them like they’re not a group of annoying high schoolers. Baekhyun pours Jongin a shot of Soju when Jongdae’s not looking, that Sehun watches him swallow down with a grimace not wanting to chicken out, but they leave the alcohol to the adults.

It’s great, but because fate doesn’t like it when Sehun’s happy, it comes to an end faster than Sehun wants. It's irony at its finest or maybe it's just fate. Maybe this was supposed to happen and that day when he'd first ventured to Seoul with Jongin was just supposed to be a warning, he should have stayed away. He really should have stayed away.

The group notices the person behind him first, and it causes goosebumps to rise on his skin. "Oh Sehun," he hears just as he's about to turn his head. The tone is so familiar that Sehun cringes.

He stands swiftly, fully turning to the person behind him. Cha Heesung seems shorter or maybe Sehun's gotten taller since the last time he's seen him. He's with a few friends, but they leave the moment Heesung waves them away. Sehun looks towards his own group of friends, noting their curious eyes, but excuses himself.

He walks Heesung as far as he can away from them, towards a dark empty corner where no will bother them.

“I’m sorry,” Heesung tells him, the moment they stop. Sehun lets him talk, lets him come up with all the excuses he can think of and just remains quiet. “Did you tell anyone,” Sehun asks at last.

“What,” Heesung asks, “of course, not. There were rumors about you and people asked, but I never said anything. I wouldn’t have done that to you.”

Sehun laughs, the music drowning most of it out. “You wouldn’t have done that,” he asks, in disbelief. “You’d done it before with your parents.”

“That’s different, Sehun. You’d have done the same.”

“No,” Sehun says shaking his head, “but it doesn’t really matter now does it? It’s over.” He doesn't feel angry anymore, just resigned to the fact. It's over, their friendship, and whatever else was brewing between them is gone just like Sehun's life in Seoul.

Sehun’s not sure how much time had been spent away from his friends, but it seems like only minutes before Jongin’s taking the space Heesung had abandoned after their talk. Jongin’s a quiet presence at first and Sehun’s thankful for it even if it’s only just a few minutes before the questions come.

“Where’d your friend go,” Jongin asks at last. Sehun turns his head towards him, but he’s not really meeting Jongin’s eyes. His mind is still filled with thoughts of his past with Heesung, and his present with Jongin.

“Away,” he answers at last when he notices Jongin’s eyebrows furrowing. Jongin pushes his shoulder into Sehun, moving closer to him and grins.

"You promised we'd have fun," Jongin says, "and yet you're standing in a corner looking miserable."

"As if I could ever be miserable standing beside you," Sehun teases. Jongin tilts his head back, meeting Sehun’s eyes. His grin is bright and playful but it’s too dark to see if he’s blushing like he normally does when Sehun teases him.

“Shut up,” he says, the little laugh that follows his words is enough for Sehun to know he did, in fact, make Jongin blush again.

He’s not sure if it’s the lingering feelings from his talk but he feels possessed. He feels hot under the collar and like his mind isn’t his own, like his body isn’t his own. Jongin’s eyes seem so wide, and his lips so pretty. He can’t see the pink that lights up his cheeks at this moment, but with every blink of his eyes he can see all the other times he’d made Jongin flush projected against his eyelids.

“Jongin,” he whispers, the name feeling heavy on his tongue.

“Yeah,” Jongin says back, Sehun can barely hear it, only knows it’s said from how Jongin’s lips form the word.

The animal inside of him powered by all the times he’d held back and ignored the question of what-if, propels him forward. In seconds he’s covering Jongin, blocking him from curious eyes and using the darkness as a cloak for them. His fingers grip Jongin’s biceps, and they’re pressed so closely together that he can’t tell if it’s his heart or Jongin’s that thudding against his chest. It’s all insignificant next to lips so soft that they feel unreal, pressed against his own, and kissing him back. He feels dizzy and weak, his grip on Jongin the only thing keeping him right.

The animal inside of him yearns for more, presses for more, and then the lips leave.

“Sehun,” is whispered and it’s like a wakeup call. Sehun freezes and opens his eyes. Jongin’s eyes are wider than he’s ever seen them, he looks so confused. Sehun can only feel horror, the feeling crawling up from his toes and seizing his heart. He’s dizzier than when he’d kissed Jongin like he has a horrible case of vertigo.

“I,” Sehun gasps, pulling his hands to his sides and stepping away from Jongin. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. He catches sight of Jongin’s hand in his peripheral and shrinks away. “,” he breathes. “I’m so sorry.”

He turns and with no destination in mind he runs.