His bed is uncomfortable. There are a million thoughts circling through Jongin’s head but that's the thought he chooses to focus on as he lays across it. He's tired of it and he thinks maybe he needs a new mattress or maybe his mom just needs to change the fabric softener she uses. The duvet is too stiff underneath him. His ceiling isn't smooth, is the next thought. He stares at the bubbled spots, the odd lines and wills himself not to turn his head, not to let the thoughts in his mind stray. 

He thinks he sees something out of his peripheral, and he hesitates, neck yearning to twist just an inch, mind urging him to just make sure, and so he does. He looks through his window towards closed unmoved curtains and sighs. He turns in his bed till his face is pressed hard against the duvet and holds back the whimper that's trying to claw its way through his throat. It's been days but his lips still tingle from the incident and Jongin can't stop replaying it in his mind.

What was worse was that he'd hadn't heard a word from Sehun since. The thick curtains blocked the boy's room from view despite Jongin keeping his own open every second since he'd first arrived home. He groans deep, pressing his face into the bed with the hope that it'll swallow him whole or maybe even suffocate him.

"Jongin," he just barely hears over his loud and disruptive thoughts and reluctantly lifts his head to face his bedroom door and his brother.

"It's Christmas Eve," Jongdae tells him. He looks too serious; his lips are pressed thin and his eyebrows are furrowed. He looks away from Jongin after a moment, towards Jongin's bedroom window.

"We haven't celebrated Christmas since we were little," Jongin reminds him. His voice is deeper than normal and comes out a slight rasping tone as if he'd just woken up despite having barely slept since that night.

"Maybe you should start again," Jongdae suggests. "We've got this tiny tree Baekhyun scavenged back at the apartment to keep Chanyeol happy, and we're going back tomorrow morning to exchange presents, and maybe watch a movie or two, even got Kyungsoo to come along."

Jongin blinks slowly, as Jongdae's eyes flicker back to him, a small smile on his lips that doesn't fully reach his eyes. "That's nice," Jongin says at last as he turns away from his brother and back to the window. The curtains still haven't moved.

"What happened between you two," Jongdae asks, and it's soft and hesitant but it overwhelms him.

"I– I don't know," Jongin stutters, his voice cracking. He blinks quickly, feeling his eyes begin to burn and buries his face back into his stiff duvet. "I don't want to talk about it." He sounds pathetic but Jongdae doesn't say anything.  He's too busy trying to control his breathing and do anything but cry to notice his brother's silence.

"Okay," Jongdae says after moments of silence, it's so low it's pretty much a whisper. Jongin hears his steps loud and clear and then Jongdae's settling down on his bed, hands running comfortingly through Jongin's hair. "Do you want to go with me tomorrow?"

"I didn't get anything for anyone," Jongin mutters, turning his head just slightly, so his words won't be muffled.

"That's okay," Jongdae "It's supposed to be a Secret Santa type thing, one gift each and I can just give you one of your birthday presents early."

"You got me more than one birthday present," Jongin asks, causing his brother to laugh loudly, the sound pulling a small smile from Jongin.

"Yeah, I got you one but then I saw something you'd like better, so now you have two birthday presents, or one Christmas present and one birthday present if you come with me tomorrow."

******

On Christmas day Jongin and Jongdae have breakfast with their parents. Jongdae is more talkative than usual and Jongin assumes it's because of excitement. Regardless, it steals their parents' attention away from Jongin and allows his mind to wander to other things. He wonders if Sehun celebrates Christmas.

Just as the clock strikes twelve, the pair trek out of the house and into the frigid winter air, off to meet Kyungsoo.  If Jongdae notices Jongin staring at the neighbor's house as they pass, he doesn't say a word.

Kyungsoo's sitting in the driver's seat of his car when the pair of brothers arrive. Baekhyun sits beside him, and they're arguing or maybe they're just chatting. Jongin's gotten used to one smiling and the other frowning so often that he can hardly tell when they're arguing or having a normal conversation. Either way, Jongin follows his brother up to the car. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo pause in their conversation when they notice the brothers. Baekhyun rolls down the passenger window and hollers his hello, arm waving out of the car, making Jongin laugh out loud.

"Geez, why are you so loud in the morning," Jongdae huffs in mock annoyance once they take their places in Kyungsoo's backseat.

"Shut up," Baekhyun says with a grin, turning in his seat to look at the pair of them. "How are you little brother," he directs to Jongin.

Jongin's grin broadens at the term of endearment. "I’m fine," he answers, giggling to himself when Baekhyun's grin widens to match his own.

"Course you are," Baekhyun says. He leans further towards them, eyes mischievous and grin threatening to eclipse his face. "I was telling Kyungsoo that he should just give me my present now. I know he's my secret Santa, but you know how Kyungsoo gets when he's caught out. All 'Shut up, Baekhyun' and 'I'm going to throw you out onto the side of the road, Baekhyun.' He doesn't know how to express his love."

"If you don't shut up, I might push you into speeding traffic once we're on the freeway, Baekhyun," Kyungsoo teases. Baekhyun gives Jongin one final look that has both him and his brother laughing loud before he goes back to sitting properly.

The car ride isn't silent, Baekhyun and Jongdae take turns singing ballads and trot songs. Jongin doesn't think about Sehun or kissing boys in dark corners of clubs for the first time since that night. Instead, he's too busy laughing at Baekhyun's exaggerated singing and his brother's ridiculous high pitch when he imitates female singers. At one point the pair get into a singing battle, only stopping when Kyungsoo threatens to throw them both into upcoming traffic in between his own laughs.

Jongin doesn't think of Sehun in Seoul even if he has begun to associate Seoul with Sehun. He's too busy laughing when they exchange presents or enjoying the music when Chanyeol plays a preview of the song he's working on and then cajoles Kyungsoo into singing a song for him. He doesn't think of him in the evening under the dim lights of the apartment, settled on the floor eating chicken and watching a subtitled Christmas movie. For the first time in days, Jongin doesn't think about anyone or anything, not Sehun, not kisses and definitely not dark little clubs, he's too busy having fun to spare a second thought to anything else.

******

Jongin hasn't seen Sehun since that night. His curtains haven't been opened, Jongin hasn't seen him outside when he's walking his dogs. He hasn't heard a peep from him. Jongin doesn't even know if Sehun is still there. For all Jongin knows he could still be in Seoul, spending his days with a friend that Jongin doesn't know.

The worst of it is that Jongin doesn't know if he really wants to see Sehun. He doesn't know what he wants to say, doesn't know what he wants to hear. Two days after Christmas, Jongin stands outside in the cold beside the bench that separates Sehun's house from his own. He stands and waits, looking towards his neighbor's house for what feels like hours, only giving up when his fingers and face feel way too numb to continue and little snow flurries fall from the sky. Despite the disappointment, there's a palpable relief.

He stares at his phone sometimes, alternating between staring at Sehun's contact and their most recent message thread. He'll compose a message in his head and then he'll erase it from his mind, never even attempting to write the words.

"Why did you kiss me," is usually the first question that crosses his mind. Not even 10 minutes after Sehun had run off did Jongin come up with a few theories. Maybe Sehun had more alcohol than Jongin had noticed at first and was confused. Maybe it was a prank because Jongin had implied that they weren't having fun.

"Why are you ignoring me," is another question that tends to rear its ugly head when Jongin thinks of Sehun. Was Sehun embarrassed for being so under the influence that he kissed a guy, or maybe it's because he didn't expect Jongin to kiss him back? That usually brings Jongin to his next question.

Why did he kiss back?

Jongin is not gay. He'd never even looked at other guys like that. Like he wanted to kiss them or hold their hands, or anything really. He was a late bloomer, everyone said so and they were right, Jongin didn't really have much desire to hold anyone's hands or kiss them, really.

Sehun's hands are softer than he'd expected, and his face transforms when he smiles brightly.  He has the loneliest eyes Jongin's ever seen but can talk Jongin into the most ridiculous things with just a look and a grin. And when Jongin tries to justify why he kissed back, tries to find an excuse that fits, all his mind does is taunt him with all these facts.

******

Every year since the Jungs first moved to the neighborhood, the family has hosted a New Year’s Eve party in the town's community center. Soojung's mother was a professional party planner up until she gave birth to Soojung and afterward she'd take on little passion projects. The Jungs' desire to connect with the community combined with Soojung's mother's passion for party planning and gave birth to the family hosting yearly New Year's Eve parties.

It was nowhere near the grand event you'd expect from a party hosted by a Jung. Their community center was a shabby little thing, and the food was never catered because everyone preferred to bring their own specialty dishes. The music was old, the adults drank and played games loudly, but it was overall a good time.

Jongin hated it. He hated having to dress up, could never see the point of wearing khaki slacks and polo shirts, and uncomfortable shoes, to a place that would never be close to high class.  When Sooyeon was there she'd tease Jongin about how nicely he cleaned up and how much Soojung would like it. The one good thing that came with enduring Sooyeon's teasing and sly looks was the champagne she'd sneaked to them the last two years so they could toast the new years just like the adults in films. Jongin didn't like alcohol but he did like clinking his glass against his friends' and raising it up to usher in a new year.

This year Sooyeon wouldn't be there, which also meant that Baekhyun, Jongdae, Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo wouldn't be there. Chanyeol only came back home during important holidays like Chuseok and the Lunar New Year or during his parents' birthdays so Jongin never expects to see him nowadays. However, with Sooyeon and her many friends not attending, Jongdae and Baekhyun feel as if their time would be better spent in Seoul clubs with a reluctant Kyungsoo chasing after women completely out of their league.

This year only Jongin trails after his parents in slushy snow as they walk the distance to the community center in silence.

"This is just sad," Soojung murmurs, taking up space beside Jongin, the pair of them watching a group of older adults play cards. "I honestly think we used to have more fun when we were younger and would sneak off to watch the end of year ceremonies."

"You're not having fun now," Jongin teases. Soojung rolls her eyes and grabs Jongin's arm, pulling him away from where he's leaning against the wall.

"Let's go outside," she suggests, and Jongin follows wordlessly.

"I can't believe it," she groans, the moment the cold air greets them, her long wool coat dancing in the chilling night breeze and Jongin trailing behind her. "We're really the only ones here."

"Who's going to sneak you champagne now,' Jongin teases, following Soojung's lead and taking a seat on one of the two seats in the small playground connected to the community center.

"Really, Jongin," Soojung says in exasperation and takes out a clear plastic bottle from her coat, it's half-empty and she shakes it for emphasis. Jongin stares as the milk-like liquid splashes around inside of the bottle and looks up to Soojung's grin. He watches as she uncaps the rice wine and takes a large swallow.

"Oh," she mutters, eyebrows scrunched together and lips drawn into a small thoughtful pout. "I like it," she states handing the bottle out to Jongin. His eyes flicker back to the bottle and takes it from her, taking his own swallow and grimacing.

"I don't," he says in return.

Soojung throws her head back, laughing loud enough to block out the lingering hum from the community center celebration. "You've got baby taste buds, Jongin. What are you going to do when the older kids make you drink in university?" She holds her hand out for the bottle and takes a second swig as she looks over out towards the empty street.

"I can't believe Jinri's sick today of all days," she muses, leaning her head against the swing's chain. "And Sehun's back in Seoul. I wanted to watch the end of year shows with everyone like before."

Jongin doesn't catch all that she's said, his eyes are on the slush at his feet as he sways slightly back and forth on the swing. "Is he," he asks, softly.

Soojung doesn't respond right away, and Jongin continues to stare resolutely at the ground. He thinks maybe he'll tell her if she asks. Soojung's compassionate and understanding, and she's a little more open-minded. She'd probably know what to do next better than the anonymous internet strangers Jongin tried to ask before chickening out and deleting both his post and his throwaway account.

"What happened that night, Jongin," she asks as expected. Her voice is soft but seems to be carried by the wind. Jongin turns towards her. Soojung is beautiful, even now just sitting there with a bottle of alcohol in her hand and face red from the cold. She's one of the most popular girls in their year and even adults go on and on about how beautiful the Jung sisters are.

Jongdae had a crush on Sooyeon when he was in middle school, and everyone seemed to think it was only a matter of time before Jongin followed in his footsteps and begin to wax on and on about how pretty the younger Jung is. Soojung is beautiful, and yet as Jongin looks at her, he feels nothing.

"Can I kiss you," Jongin asks, suddenly. His eyes are on Soojung's lips watching as the corners tug downward and the bottom lip sticks out, he thinks she'll say no. She nods.

Jongin hesitates at first, his only experience with kissing had him pressed against a wall, body responding without any input from his brain. This would be different, he'd be the initiator now, not the person hopelessly responding. He'd have to take control. Soojung leans in towards him, gaze intense and searching and Jongin takes it as a challenge.

Soojung's lips are soft and cold, most of her lip gloss has dried out from the winter air so her lips feel normal if not slightly chapped. He pushes closer, tries to feel something other than the warmth of her cheeks in his palms and her overall softness. He doesn't.

"I feel nothing," Jongin says, softly, despair pooling heavy in his stomach, he watches as Soojung throws her head back and laughs like a madwoman, unaware of Jongin's current state. She takes another mouthful from the bottle in her hand and Jongin wonders if she's drunk.

They sit in almost silence, Soojung hums a soft tune under her breath and Jongin's uncomfortable shoes crunch against the cold ground.

"I'm dating Jinri," she tells him suddenly. Jongin just barely grasps the words, too focused on listening to the sounds emitting from the community center and ignoring how his stomach rolls with nausea.

He looks at her for the first time since the kiss, notices how she's the one not meeting his eyes this time, but there's a small smile on her lips.

"But you're pretty," is the only thing that comes to Jongin's mind and he says it out loud, watching as she laughs some more, and noticing how her smile doesn't return.

"You're so dumb," she teases. "Pretty people can like the same-, dummy. Did you fight with Sehun because you wanted to kiss him?"

The first firework is loud and catches the pair of them off guard, Soojung places the bottle on the ground beside the swing and looks up as if trying to catch sight of the show. The new year is here.

"No," Jongin exclaims. "I never wanted to kiss him and I– I don't want to..." he trails off and stands, Soojung follows him.

"You don't want to what," Soojung asks him.

"Kiss him," Jongin says, again. "Kiss boys. It– It's not natural. It's not right." He's aware of what he's saying, but it's like he can't stop himself, all the emotions that he's been keeping within, all the feelings that he's been fighting are trying to come up, are trying to escape now that Jongin's willing to acknowledge that they might exist.

"It's not a choice you make, Jongin. You can't help who you like." Soojung's frowning now, her eyes are hard. "Being gay doesn't make you abnormal, Jongin. You're not a freak for liking Sehun, for liking boys."

"Yes, it does," he nearly shouts. "I don't–"

"Am I a freak to you," Soojung asks, her voice is soft and when Jongin finally looks her in her eyes he sees nothing but hurt. She looks like the girl he'd first met in grade school, glassy-eyed and only moments away from crying.

"Of course not," Jongin answers without a second thought. "I didn't mean that."

"But you think it's not normal for me to like Jinri, to be in love with her," Soojung says, it's so matter-of-fact that Jongin can't help but wince at the statement.

"You're in love with her," Jongin asks. It's the wrong thing to say, and Soojung's eyes harden.

"Whatever," she mutters, shouldering past Jongin, leaving him and her bottle of rice wine behind.

When Jongin gets home, he looks out of his bedroom window to the closed curtains across from him and lets the first tear he'd been holding in free. They come rapidly after that and all Jongin can do is sink into his mattress facing away from his window, fist in between his teeth as he tries to muffle his sobs.

He doesn't want to be gay. He wants to get married and he wants children. He wants to go out with Jongdae and the other older boys. He wants to be a part of the inside jokes when they talk about failed hook up attempts and meeting girls that must be the daughters of gods because they're just so beautiful. He doesn't want to make his family upset. He does not want to kiss Oh Sehun or think about pale boys from Seoul with beautiful smiles.

This chapter's a bit on the angst-y side guys, but you only had to wait like two months instead of like half a year, so I'd consider that a win. Not really sure what I'm doing but thatt's a constant state within my life so it's all good.