"Did you see the ears on that guy? You think the world sounds really loud to him, like, all the time?"

I was trying to catch my breath, which was made harder by the worry that I might not be able to do it. For once, I was glad for Sehun's talking, if not clinging to his stupid words with every inhale.

"I mean, I'm all about distinctive features," he continued, as I looked over to see his curl, damp with sweat, tumble over into his eyes. "And it's not like he can help it. Cards you're dealt, and all that. But I bet we was called Elf a lot as a kid. And if he didn't, someone was falling down a job. Hey, are you going to drink that?"

I blinked, then looked down at the cup in my hand, which I'd forgotten I was holding. "It's blue," I managed to say.

"Pie in the Sky, Blueberry Punch and vodka, Cheap, strong, and yes, blue. What, you don't like it?"

I handed him the cup, still focusing on inhaling as he took a big slip, winced, and then set it down between us. We were outside Blinks, on the front deck, where we'd ended up after our conga exit from Chanyeol and the dance floor. Nearby, in a dim corner, a couple was making out. It wasn't cold outside, but I had the chills. Still.

"Sehun!" One of the boa girls, tall with red-orange hair, stumbled through the door and over to us. "There you are. I lost you!"

"And now I'm found," he replied, smiling. "You're amazing, Lisa."

She beamed, her face seeming to almost light up in the dark. I had a flash back to the girl at his mom's wedding, looking at him in the same way. Attention from a cute boy - you could power the world with it.

"Dance with me," she said now, extending her hand to him. The outside light was behind her, catching feathers of her boa as they fell in the mild breeze. Too much, all at once, again. I looked away. "You promised, remember?"

"I am a man of my word," Sehun replied, reaching out to her. Instead of taking her hand, though, he opened his palm, gesturing her to do the same. "But Suzy and I here are talking business. I'll come find you."

Lisa dropped her hand, forming a pout. "I don't like waiting."

"Five minutes," he told her. He spread his fingers, and I watched the mechanics of her moving her hand into his, suddenly so intimate, so quickly. Then he let go. "Meet me at the punch bowl. I'll be the one about to sweep you off your feet."

There was that look again, like a surge of electricity moving over her face. "I'm counting on it," she said, and then turned, walking away slowly the way someone does when they want to be watched, and know that they will be.

Once she was back inside, Sehun picked up my cup again, finishing off the contents. As he crumpled it in his hand, I said, "Are you serious, with all this?"

"What this?"

I nodded at the door, which Lisa had left slightly open behind her. "The way you talked to her. Is it a joke or not?"

"I never joke to pretty girls," he replied.

Of course he didn't.

"Don't feel bad about not understanding me, though," he said. "I'm kind of an enigma. Mysterious, hard to know."

"People that are hard to know don't often announce the fact that they are hard to know," I pointed out.

"That's the part of the enigma thing. Always staying unexpected. So what happened to you back there?"

I blinked, surprised by this suddenly topic change. "It was hot," I said. "I got light-headed."

"So old Elf groping you wasn't an issue?"

I reached up, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "It was a , wasn't it?"

"More like a grip." He stretched his legs out in front of him,  leaning back on his palms. "If you have to clutch a girl, you're doing it wrong. Definitely not a mysterious enigma."

"My friend set me up with him," I replied.

"Might be time for a new friend."

I shook my head. "No. She means well. I haven't . . . I'm not that social lately. She's trying to change that."

"Not social? What's that like?"

As if on cue, the door slid open again. At first I thought it was Lisa, as the figure that emerge also had a boa and tiara. As he got closer, however, I realized it was one of her friends, a shorter girl, curvier, with dark wavy hair. "Sehun! Are you hiding from me?"

"I though you knew you were It," he told her with a smile.

She struck a pose, one hand on her hip. "You know that's true. I am all It and a bag of chips. Now come on back inside, you promised to take a shot with me."

"You had me at chips, Jennie. Just give me five minutes."

Again, a pout. Was I the only girl who didn't have this move already down? "I don't wait for anyone."

"I'm not just anyone. I'm Sehun." He winked - winked! - at her. "Five minutes. I'll be the one ready for some chips."

She shifted her weight to the other leg. "Hope you're hungry."

I was struggling not to make a disgusted face when I realized that I wasn't having trouble breathing anymore. For all the ridiculousness of these exchanges, the distraction had been helpful. "See you inside," Sehun said now, and after a moment, Jennie turned and walked away, fluffing her hair as she went.

"Wow," I said, as the door shut behind her.

"Agreed. I'm all for remarks, but you can take it so far."

"How do you even know those girls?" I asked. "Didn't you just moved into the city?"

"They picked me up when I was walking here."

"You walked here?" Blinks wasn't in the rural area, but neither was it in center. "Why?"

"I walk everywhere." He lifted on foot, then the other. "Just me, Toe, and Foot."

"By choice?"

"By order of the country of Seoul," he replied. "I'm currently between licenses."

I was pretty sure that wasn't a thing. "Is this about wrecking your mom's car?"

"Part of it. So are you not social by choice, or due to your personality?"

Again, I was struck by how he could turn the subject of himself to me so easily. "What do you mean, my personality?"

He shrugged. "You are a bit prickly."

"I am not prickly." I said, sounding exactly that way. I took a breath, resetting. "I just . . . it's been a hard year. Dating hasn't exactly been a priority."

He shuddered. "Ugh, who wants to date?"

"Not you, apparently."

"I like the process, not the endgame. Courtship is my thing."

I just looked at him. "Did you really just say courtship was your thing?"

"Prickly and hard of hearing, are we?" I made a face, which he returned, before saying. "There's a reason they call it the thrill of the chase."

"So you don't do commitment."

"Why would I? That's what they do with crazy people," he said. I sighed. "Look, it's not like I'm tricking anyone. I am clear in the fact that my intention is to have, well, no intentions."

"Did you not just promise a dance, a shot, and a bag of chips?"

"That's not a relationship, it's a list. There's a difference."

The door slid open again. I was expecting yet another girl in a boa, but it was Gayeon who stuck her head out, looking one way and another. When she saw me, she exhaled and hurried over.

"I have been so worried!" She'd taken off her shoes, which were actually a pair of mine, at some point. "What happened to you? One minute we were having fun dancing and then you were gone."

"I got light-headed," I said.

"And d," Sehun added. "Elf and his big ears were all over her. You finally get a chance to make her social and that's the route you choose?"

It said something about how concerned Gayeon was that up to this point, she hadn't paid much attention to Sehun. Usually, she didn't miss anything, especially a male anything. Now she'd spotted him, and she was angry. "Who are you?"

"Sehun Oh," he said, sticking out his hand. "I work with Suzy."

"No, you don't."

"How do you know?"

"Because she's my best friend and I know everything about her, including whom she works with. I've never seen you in my life."

"Well. Don't you think a lot of yourself. You don't know someone, so they don't exist?"

She just looked at him, not used to being off her game in this way. Then, she waved him off, turning back to me. "I had no idea Joon was getting handsy. I'm sorry. It was crazy in there."

Darn, I'd been way off on the name. Not that I felt bad about it. "It's okay. It's just been a long day, and . . ."

"I know." She looked at Sehun. "Who is this guy?"

"Sehun Oh. I work with Suzy."

"No," she said firmly. "You don't."

"Actually . . ." I began. Now she looked confused. "Since this afternoon, he kind of does. His sister is a client. He was dancing nearby when Joon was getting grabby and he . . ."

"Performed a conga extraction," Sehun finished for me. "Just one of my specialties."

Gayeon gave him a glare and said. "I don't think I like you."

"A common reaction," he replied. "I'll win you over. Eventually."

She looked at me, flabbergasted. All I could say was, "I know."

The door slid open again. This time, all I could see was an arm, a boa wrapped around it. Was it Lisa? Jennie? Bag of chips? Another girl? I hated that I was actually curious. "Sehunnie~ Where are you?"

"I guess that's my cue." He sat up, brushing his hands off. Then to me, he said, "You okay? All better now?"

If only, I thought. Was there even such a thing? I could feel Gayeon watching me, aware of this moment, between his question and my answer. “I’m fine,” I answered. “Thanks again.”

“No problem.” He stood up, running his hand through his hair, then bowed to Gayeon. “Lovely making your acquaintance.”

“You, too,” she replied, obviously guarded. 

“See? You’re coming around.” He smiled, then turned with hands in his pockets, and started walking to the door, where all the boa girls gathered, a wall of girls, waiting for him. He raised his arms, giving fanfare as they all cheered, then reached to pull him in. 

Gayeon looked thoughtful as she took a seat next to me. “Is it weird that I am strangely attracted to him, even as I dislike him completely?”

“Yes,” I said flatly. 

“Don’t you?”

If she’d asked his question earlier that day, or even at the wedding where we’d first met, my answer would’ve been yes. Sehun was cocky, entirely too confident in his own charm. He had little or no regard for other people’s time or feelings and was about as shallow in his “intentions” as anyone I’d ever met. And now he was the most likely working each one of those boa girls against the others, adding to his list. 

And yet, I couldn’t deny what had happened on the dance floor earlier. It wasn’t how Sehun appeared when, in my panic, everything had gone blurry, that whooshing about to begin in my ears that would take me down. Nor was it the way he’s sat with me afterward, talking about randomness as I tried to fill my lungs with air. Instead, it was a beat in between? Something small: when he took my hand and began to pull me out of the crowd, and I felt myself - my prickly, antisocial self - squeeze his fingers once, tightly. He squeezed back. Like a question and than an answer or call and response, without either of us saying anything. 

I stayed at the party for another hour, for Gayeon more than myself. I had pledged to make memories; I wanted to at least try to have them be good ones. So we danced, just the two of us, and toasted our futures with beer from a fresh keg when it arrived. I didn’t see Sehun again, although I had to admit I did look for him every time I saw a flash of pink feathers in my peripheral vision. 

At 3:30 a.m., we piled into a carpool with some guys Gayeon knew and headed home with all the windows down, the night pouring in. Once inside, I saw Wooyoung asleep on the couch, where he often crash when he and my mom stayed up talking late. His shoes were off, arms folded over his chest; he literally slept like a dead person. I picked the throw-blanket off a nearby chair, shaking it out, then covered him. He didn’t budge. 

I knew I should be tired too, as I’d been up almost 24 hours straight. But even under the covers in my cool room with the fan on, I wasn’t able to sleep. Finally, I picked up my phone from where it was charging in the nightstand and opened my news app. The story was right at the top, as I knew it would be, the featured picture was a brick building, ambulances lined up beside it. I scrolled down past the information of the story, looking for the only words that mattered to me. 

EUNJUNG HWANG, 17. 

DAEHYUN JUNG, 16. 

SOMI JUNG, 15. 

MARK TUAN, 19. 

WEN MENG, 17. 

In the coming days, there would be pictures, remembrances, funerals. But tonight, there were just these names, no faces yet to match, the barest of bare facts. That was the way it was when it wasn’t personal, when your own heart didn’t jump at the sight of that particular combination of letters. When they were just other people’s children, brothers, sisters, loved ones. 

JONGSUK LEE, 19, seven months earlier, was different. He had been mine.