Warning: Contains implied homophobia, violence and abuse, attempted suicide, underage smoking, and a few cursing.

Jaemin was ready to die. His left foot was dangerously hanging in the air while the right one stood on the edge of their school’s rooftop with a tremor. The cool breeze of October was blowing his soft brown locks, covering half of his eyes. It was already long, screaming for him to get a haircut. 

The thought made him chuckle. He’s dying anyways. 

He’s ending his life that day, firm to his decision of leaving the ty mess he called life. He was tired of everything. Death would probably taste better than facing his own problems, he was sure of that. 

He wasn’t depressed. He’s not one of those emo kids who wanted to end their lives because of sadness or because it sounds so cool. He has friends, he wasn’t failing his class, he was not getting bullied, and definitely not heartbroken. He came into the resolution of killing himself because of his family, his father to be specific. 

The man in-charge of their home isn’t the most ideal father anyone could wish for, and Jaemin never asked for an ideal father. He never did ask for the man to be perfect- he just wanted a father who’ll love him.

He smiled bitterly. His father never showed him love, never showed him a tinge of affection. Jaemin isn’t the only child of his father; he has a hyung and a younger brother. He’ll understand if his father can’t give him much attention, but not showing any love to him when one could clearly see how he bond with his siblings is just too much for Jaemin to take. 

Ever since his mother died 12 years ago due to an accident which happened when she was on her way to pick Jaemin from kindergarten, his father stopped seeing the boy as his son. The brunette feels like his father blamed him for his mother’s death. He never said it directly, but his actions were enough. 

12 years of being treated like a trash inside his own house, Jaemin was proud of himself for enduring every pain. He even learned how to live happily despite his situation. Until the day the old man started hurting him, verbally and physically as if the emotional pain he was giving his son wasn’t enough. 

One of few things he was thankful for his father- other than keeping him alive and safe under the roof of his house, and providing for his basic needs like clothing, food and education- was that he never received a beating. Never in his life did his father lay a hand on him, literally and figuratively. His father never talks to him, he usually ask his older brother to talk to Jaemin. His father hates touching him, heck he probably hate seeing his son. Jaemin is the bane to his existence. He looks at his own son like the boy is some sort of pest, touching Jaemin would probably burn Mr. Na’s hands. 

He is….. He is disgusted of him. 

Jaemin inhaled sharply, droplets of tears trickling down his cheeks being ignored. He closed the thin sheets covering his eyes as he tried willing away his father’s words from his mind. Keyword: TRIED. Its impossible, not when Mr. Na implanted those words not only on his brain but also on his heart. 

It was a Tuesday afternoon. It was raining hard and Jaemin rushed home in hope of avoiding getting wet. He doesn’t have an umbrella, his father didn’t think its essential. He could live without that. Not that they were poor, in fact Jaemin’s family belonged to the middle class given that his father is the chief police officer of their small town. He was getting paid more than enough, he just didn’t want to waste his money on Jaemin. 

He came home drenching wet despite his efforts. Its unfortunate that he didn’t see Chenle. That boy lives two houses down, and he always share his umbrella with Jaemin. The younger probably had piano lessons. 
He hurried to his room to avoid wetting the floor, undressing himself from the damp pieces of clothing almost immediately as he entered his bedroom.

Getting sick without anyone taking care of you isn’t that ideal.

He picked a warm sweater and wore his pajama pants before going down to their kitchen to start his house duties. He does all the work around the house, sometimes Jisung would help him but his younger brother usually has soccer practice every afternoon leaving Jaemin all the work for dinner preparations. His father comes home 30 minutes before dinner and Jaemin had exactly an hour to cook their meal. 
With fast hands he  searched for the things he’ll need before proceeding to cooking one of the simple recipes he learned from the internet. He loves cooking, probably because a faint memory of his mom cooking his breakfast comes to his mind when he cooks. 

He finished earlier than he expected so he decided to clean a bit. Jisung came home 15 minutes before their dad did. And Yuta came a little bit later than 10 minutes before dinner time. 

They settled down as Jaemin quietly served the food and sitting himself besides jisung, in the seat furthest from his father. They started eating without muttering any word, the old man barely gave Jaemin a glance which didn’t surprise the boy. 

“How’s your girlfriend Yuta?” He heard his father lowly questioned to his eldest as he sipped the soup from his spoon. He casually stopped from his activity to wait for Yuta to answer, looking at him expectantly. 

”Who? Soona? We broke up last week dad. I’m planning to ask Jisoo out, you know her? The school’s beauty queen?” Yuta was wearing his infamous grin as he proudly boasted about his habit of dumping his girlfriends after a few days of dating them. He gets bored easily, he reasoned.  

“I heard of her. Her father owns the barbecue restaurant  near your school. I like her, I wish you won’t break up with her like you did with your past girlfriends.” His father murmured as he grabbed his spoon once again to start finishing his food. 

“We’ll see about that father. Don’t worry too much about my relationships, let me play around for a bit. I’ll get serious when time comes.” He flashed an unnecessary bright smile to his father’s direction before his eyes trailed unto his younger brother who was silently eating across him. “You should worry more about Jaemin! I never saw him dating anyone at school and he’s already on his first year in high school. Jaemin-ah, you’re Yuta’s brother you should be as lethal as me. You don’t look bad, you can lure any girl into falling for your charms? Whats wrong with you?” 

Jaemin jumped at the mention of his name, his doe eyes growing twice larger as he listened to Yuta’s rant about him not having a girlfriend.

It’s a rare occasion for him to get noticed during the Family’s dinner. Most of the times he just listen to his siblings as they excitedly tell their father how their day went. It’s not like his father wants to hear his. Jaemin’s brothers are nice to him, they never treated him indifferently. Its just that they never saw Jaemin getting ignored by their father a problem at all. Its probably because it has been going on for so long that it became a common sight. Jaemin never complained vocally anyways. 

“He would rather charm boys than girls hyung.” The youngest bemused nonchalantly shocking everyone else at the table. 

Jaemin never kept his uality as a secret to anyone, anyone except his dad. He wasn’t ashamed he was just unsure of how his father would react. 

Jaemin casted his head down low seeing Yuta’s smile faltered. His hyung knows for a fact that Jaemin isn’t like him. A boy who’s fascinated with girls. Yuta never said anything about it, but Jaemin knew he was disappointed, and the way he pushes Jaemin to have a girlfriend everytime there’s a chance proves his point. 

“What are you saying Jisung?” The low, monotone voice of his father echoed through the four walls of the dining room. Jaemin won’t deny the fact that he jumped at his seat the moment his father started speaking. 

He was scared. He had never talked the matter to his father before, not like he had ever talked to his father about any other matter. 

Jaemin didn’t bother answering for Jisung, he knew his voice wasn’t wanted by hi