6:38AM

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

Jinyoung woke up in a sweat, staring at his phone beeping away on his bedside table.

This is it.

He was stuck.

Jinyoung picked up his phone and threw it as hard as he could. 

He could hear the screen crack as it hit the wall.

Nothing mattered anymore. 

No matter what happened, he was doomed to repeat this stupid day.

Jinyoung was about to pull on his sweater over his tank top when he stopped, leaving it on his chair and going downstairs.

“Jinyoung, what are you wearing?  It’s freezing outside.”  Jinyoung’s mom yelled at him when he paraded downstairs in his outfit of the day.

Jinyoung always hated exposing his arms but what the hell, today didn’t matter anyway.  He wanted to see everyone’s reactions.  He wanted to bend the rules.  He didn’t care anymore.

“It’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I would wear something different.”

“Park Jinyoung, you better go back up upstairs and change this instant.  I’m not letting you freeze to death.”  The fact she added to death at the end made Jinyoung burst out laughing.

“Whatever!  It’s actually my body and I’m allowed to wear whatever I want!”  Jinyoung yelled.  He would never even dare of talking to his mom like this before, even when she was annoying him.  It felt liberating.  “I’m off to school now!”  Jinyoung heard her try to walk towards him, screaming something else but he slammed the door in her face before she could get to him, running towards Jackson’s car.

 “Good morning sweetheart!”  Jackson yelled, blowing a kiss his way. 

Jinyoung ignored him and got into the passenger seat.

“Hey, you okay?”  Jackson asked as he slipped into the driver’s seat

“Just drive.”  Jinyoung spat.

Looking at Jackson made his blood boil.  This was all Jackson’s fault.  He was his best friend but he was an .  An . This whole time he played down his harmful opinions with his smiles and playfulness but deep down he didn’t care.  He made fun of people without having a proper reason, and Jinyoung followed his every word without thinking.

If anything, he should be the one being cursed to die again and again.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Shut up.”  Jinyoung leaned against the window angled away from Jackson.

“What’s wrong?  Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something?”

“For a few days now, yeah.”

They picked up Bambam first, the same stupid conversation happening again.

Youngjae was next, they locked him out again.

Jinyoung was silent.

“Did you forget your sleeves this morning?”  Youngjae asks Jinyoung despite sensing his bitter mood.

“No, I wore this on purpose.”  Jinyoung didn’t even feel bad for being mean to Youngjae.  He had really fallen off the deep end.

“What’s wrong with him?”  Bambam asks Jackson.

“He’s just grumpy today, did you forget there’s a party tonight?  That should get you excited.”

“Oh, the party!”  Youngjae taps Jinyoung on the shoulder excitedly.  “Jaebum is going, remember?  I know you guys broke up but if you play your cards right you could senior year with a-“

“Don’t say it.”  Jinyoung sneered.

“Jinyoung, seriously what the is your problem?”  Jackson stepped on the brakes too suddenly, the car jolted, flinging them all forward.

“What the is my problem?” Jinyoung turned to look Jackson in the eyes for the first time that day, and he suddenly feels angry enough to punch the window right out of his car.  “You’re a driver, how did you even get a license?”

“What are you talking about?  You can’t even drive.”  The longer Jinyoung stares the angrier he gets.

Images of Jackson and Mark holding hands and having fun together flash through his mind.

Then images of Mark with a gun in his hand, ready to blow his brains out. 

“Do you really think you’re all that?  You let your popularity get to your head, and you think everyone is going to love you no matter what you do or say.  Guess what, being popular doesn’t give you any right to treat people like trash.  It’s too bad your head is so far up your you’ll never realize that.” 

Everyone was silent for a moment, he heard Bambam swallow hard in the back seat.

“Guys, don’t fight!  Please.”  Youngjae pleads.

“Don’t act like you two don’t know,” Jinyoung faces Youngjae and Bambam now.  “You know he’s an , go ahead and admit it.”

“Leave them out of it.”  The light turns green, but Jackson’s car stays still.

Youngjae is about to say something, but he stops himself.

“I knew it, you’re scared of him.”

“I told you to leave them alone-“ 

“I’m supposed to leave them alone?  You know what Jackson says about you behind your back?”  Jinyoung is so worked up, there was no stopping him now.  “You always say Bambam is so shallow and self-absorbed he’d be lucky if he found someone to hook up with, yet alone be in a relationship.”

Jackson grips the steering wheel harder, cars were honking at them to move but he wouldn’t budge.

“And Youngjae?  You say he’s an airhead and a borderline alcoholic.  What about that time you kept giving him shots when you knew very well he was over his limit and it could’ve been dangerous, just to see how much it would take for him to black out.”

Jinyoung knows he’s gone too far, but it doesn’t matter.

“Jinyoung… that’s not funny.”  Youngjae squeaks.

“Jinyoung…”  Bambam can’t even complete his sentence.

Jackson lunges at Jinyoung then and he’s sure he’s about to get hit, but instead, Jackson reaches for the car door and pushes it open.  “Out.”

“Jackson, it’s freezing.  You can’t make him walk-“  Youngjae tries to cut in.

“Out.” Jackson repeats. 

People are staring at them now, the light turned red again and they never moved. 

Jinyoung looks to Youngjae and Bambam for any kind of support but they both look away.

Jackson leans in real close then. their noses almost brushing.

“I. Said.  Get.  Out.”  He whispers, poison dripping off his tongue.

So, he gets out.  Jackson drives away before Jinyoung could even close the door.

He’s left alone with all these people staring at him.

And he’s freezing.

“Valentine-o-grams are here!”

Jinyoung barely makes it in time for History class.  He doesn’t know why he bothers to attend.

 “Popular, aren’t we?”  He takes his four roses and then calls the other girl over.

“That one is for me too.”

“Oh, how’d you know?”  She says as she gingerly places it on his desk with the other four.

Jinyoung stared at the five roses on his desk and realizes how stupid this whole tradition was.  Roses were not a sign of popularity.  There was nothing special about being popular.

He gets up and dumps all five roses in the trash can in the front of the room.

“Wow, you’re really a heartbreaker Jinyoung.”  His teacher told him.

Jinyoung just stands there, staring at the roses.  He remembers that message again.

As the moon spins with the earth around the sun,

If we weren’t together, we would not be alive.

Chills.

“I need to go.” Jinyoung suddenly says, grabbing his bag and flooring it to the door.

“What?  Jinyoung you can’t leave without a reas-“  The door shut before Jinyoung could hear the rest.

The words kept repeating in his head.

If we weren’t together, we would not be alive.

If we weren’t together, we would not be alive.

If we weren’t together, we would not be alive.

He hears Yugyeom calling out for him but he doesn’t turn back, he walks faster.

Who sent that rose?  Who sent that rose?

Jinyoung realizes he’s wandered off without realizing, the hallways completely empty.  He recognizes where he is- the art department.

This place was always deserted, as there were hardly enough students to make up one class that took art.  In first year, you had to choose between music and art and the teacher that taught beginner art was so ruthless everyone was discouraged and took music instead.

The art hallway had gained a reputation as being a place only ghosts hung out.

Jinyoung stopped walking and slumped against a wall.  He had no idea what he was doing and he had no idea what he should do.

He heard something move and jumped up from his spot and looked around.  The classrooms should’ve been empty, nobody was ever down here.

He scanned through the windows in the classroom doors before he spotted something, a skinny frame draped in white.  If he hadn’t have known better he would’ve believed it was a ghost, but he recognized Mark’s shirt very well by now.

He was sat in front of a canvas, a detailed drawing all painted in black.  He couldn’t tell what it was, but something about it made him feel mournful.

He didn’t think twice before pushing the door open and barging in.

“Huh?”  Mark jumps when he hears the door open, turning around and meeting eyes with Jinyoung.

It takes him a second to realize who he is, then he grabs his paintbrush and holds it above his head like he’s about to throw it.  “Woah, no need to do that.”

Jinyoung was elated.  Mark Tuan was standing right in front of him, flesh and bones, and very much alive.

He wanted to keep it this way.

“You… I know you.  You’re Jackson’s friend.”  His voice was quiet, but still threatening.

“Park Jinyoung, I’ not here to make fun of you, if that’s what you thought.”  Jinyoung silently reflected on his past, he hasn’t said anything as bad as Jackson but he can remember a few sour things he had said to Mark over the years.  He probably deserved that paintbrush to the face.

“What do you want?”  Mark lowered the paintbrush but was still gripping it in his fist.

“I was just… bored?”  Jinyoung didn’t have a plan but he was suddenly determined to do something.  “I’ve never been in the art room before.”

Mark stared for a bit, realizing there was no danger he sat back down on his still and faced his canvas again.  “It’s a shame, right?  All these art supplies and nobody to use them.”  His voice was hardly louder than a whisper.

Jinyoung picked up one of the stools from the side of the room and pulled it up next to where Mark was sitting.  “What are you painting?”  Jinyoung still couldn’t make it out.  All the harsh black lines gave the entire picture a dreary feel.

“I started out as a bridge… but now it’s kind of a building?  I’m not sure myself.  I’m not an amazing artist, it helps me keep calm.”  He painted thicker black on the page.

“Oh, I thought your painting was nice.”

Mark put down his paintbrush and turned around.  “Why are you talking to me?  Aren’t you supposed to be pretending I don’t exist, or harassing me?”  Jinyoung felt a tinge of hurt.

“I’m not talking to Jackson right now, you don’t need to worry about that.  I just…”  Jinyoung stared at him again, directly at his face.  He was so captivating, he lost all his words.  He has never seen him up close, and he was so regretful he hadn’t.

“Jinyoung?”

“Are you okay?”  Jinyoung asked, sincerely. 

Mark looked bothered by the question.  It was vague but he seemed to know exactly what Jinyoung meant.  “I’m fine.”  He turned back to his canvas.

“Are you sure?”  Mark hadn’t picked his paintbrush back up.  He clenched the fabric of his jeans in his hands instead.

Mark didn’t get a chance to answer before the lunch bell rang.

“I need to go get lunch.”  Mark said as he got up and grabbed his bag to escape. 

Jinyoung remembered what would be waiting for Mark in the cafeteria and grabbed him by the arm.  “Wait!  Don’t go.”

Mark froze, unsure how to react.  “What do you want from me?”

“I…”  Jinyoung wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he needed to do something.  “Do you want to go out for lunch together?”

They ended up at a Chinese restaurant behind the school.  Jinyoung had never realized this was a restaurant- the windows were boarded up and there were vines growing up the walls.  He thought it was an abandoned building.  Mark assured him that this restaurant was owned by a family friend and there was nothing to worry about.

That didn’t make Jinyoung feel any more comfortable, as he picked at his bowl of fried rice with caution.  Meanwhile, Mark was scooping gelatinous goo he claimed was orange chicken into his mouth.  Jinyoung had no idea how someone so skinny could eat so much.

Mark had stayed quiet on their walk there, only speaking when it was necessary, but Jinyoung was determined to get into Mark’s mind.

“So,” Jinyoung took a spoonful rice, he wasn’t sure if the meat inside was Spam or pink coloured pieces of plastic.  “Tell me about yourself.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“I asked first.”  Jinyoung wasn’t going to let him deflect the question that easily.

“There’s not much to say…”  Jinyoung was going to have to try harder.

“Do you have any hobbies?”

“Painting.” 

Jinyoung sighed.

“Answer my question now.” Mark finished up his chicken and started on a huge plate of noodles.

“I wanted to be friends.”

“With the ‘crypt keeper’?”  Jinyoung hated when they called him that.

Jinyoung had to find a way to make this work.  “I never thought ill of you.”

“Oh, I know.” 

That surprised Jinyoung.  “You knew?”

“If I really hated you, you would be back at school with a big black paintbrush mark on your face,”  Mark said calmly.  He really wasn’t afraid of him, or Jackson.   The way he initiated a fight… it wasn’t that he gained confidence.  He was holding back this entire time.  “You always look uncomfortable when they all make fun of me.”

Jinyoung wasn’t the type to so outwardly bully someone, he was always the one stopping them from going too far.  “I honestly don’t know why Jackson hates you.”

“Aren’t you his best friend?” 

“I was.”

Mark smiled somberly. “I know that feeling.”

“What happened between you two?”

Mark’s smile faded as quickly as it appeared.  “That's none of your business.”  Jinyoung shouldn’t have expected him to be sharing his secrets with a stranger.

“Anyways,” Jinyoung veered subjects before Mark got even more upset.  “I’m sorry for anything I’ve ever said or done.  You’re really…”  Jinyoung wanted to say handsome, but that would be way too forward. “A nice guy.”

Mark started laughing, almost choking on his noodles.  “You’re really funny, one day you hate me and the next you want to be friends.  I still think there has to be a reason for this.”  Mark has the most unexpected piercing laugh, but Jinyoung loves it. 

“You admitted you don’t hate me though.” 

“Doesn’t mean I like you.” 

“Oh?”  Jinyoung feigned hurt, putting a hand on his chest and clutching his chest.  Mark laughed at that.

Once Mark was smiling conversation flowed more easily.  His quiet charm was easy for Jinyoung to vibe with.  He was so light compared to Jinyoung’s dark image of him.  He was even more cheerful than Jinyoung at times.

“We should go, lunch is almost over.” Mark said. Jinyoung had completely forgotten they were on a limited time, he was having so much fun.

It had started drizzling, making the air even colder.  Jinyoung clutched his arms against his chest, freezing again.  Why did I wear this tank top again?  Rebellion is not worth it at all.

“Are you cold?”  Mark had pulled on a hoodie before they went outside, but now he was taking it off. 

“No, no!  It’s okay.”  Mark only had his long white t-shirt underneath.

“Don’t worry, it’s not a long walk.  You need this more than me.”  Mark pulled the hoodie over Jinyoung’s head, the fleece warming him up immediately.  He couldn’t refuse it even if he wanted to- it was way too comfy.

“Thank you.”  The sleeves were much too long, as they were on Mark, but he suited that look.  Jinyoung thought it looked silly on him.

“You look cute in that,” Mark said as Jinyoung fussed with the sleeves.  “You don’t normally wear things like this?  It’s- I mean.  I don’t normally pay attention to what you wear It’s just that I see you around with Jackson and the other two all the time and you always dress in those silly dress shirts and button up sweaters this is… ah.”  Mark realized he had revealed too much and cut himself off.  That was the most he had said at one time for the past hour.

Jinyoung covered his mouth with his sweater paw as he laughed.  “I could get used to this if it makes me look cute.”

“You look cute without it too.”  Jinyoung’s cheeks were warm, his body radiating heat in the cold weather.  Mark was looked like he wanted to say more, but he turned away and started walking instead, as if he were regretting his decisions.

They walked back to school in silence.  Mark was cold again, not only because he was wearing only a t-shirt.

“Mark, did you have any plans for tonight?”  Jinyoung asked just before they parted ways.

“I…”  Mark paused.  “I did have something-“

“Go out with me instead,”  Jinyoung said forcefully, not realizing how weird it sounded.  “I mean, not like go out with me, just… out for dinner, or something?  We’re friends now.” 

Mark looked at him with confusion.  “I don’t think I can…” 

“Give me your phone number, text me if you change your mind.”  Jinyoung held out his phone, praying that Mark would take the bait.  “I know a good sushi restaurant, my family used to go there all the time.”

“I… like sashimi.”  Mark hesitantly put his number in Jinyoung’s phone and handed it back.

“Text me if you change your mind, alright?”  Mark nodded and walked away.  Jinyoung noticed how Mark clutched onto his back strap trying to steady himself. 

Jinyoung was going to make sure Mark stayed alive tonight.

Jinyoung walked into the same party for the third time and he felt sick.  The same sight of bodies sweating and dancing all around him.  He was suffocated, but he needed to find Mark.

The time went by Mark didn't text him, and he wouldn't answer his calls.  There could only be one explanation, and all the answers were here at this party.

Jinyoung carefully avoided the kitchen and Jaebum and marched into the living room where Jackson, Youngjae and Bambam had already found their spot on the couch. 

Jackson saw him first, he only rolled his eyes and went back to the lady he was in no hurry to shove off his lap.  Youngjae saw him second and ran over to him.

“Jinyoung!”  He stumbled a bit, his drink sloshing out of his cup when he stopped moving.  Jinyoung had to help steady him.  “You came.”

“Aren’t you guys mad at me?”

“Jackson is still upset, but he’ll get over it.”  Youngjae took his hand.  “Please, apologize to him.  Bambam and I aren’t upset…”  Youngjae looked so sad, it broke Jinyoung’s heart.  “We’ve been friends for so long now, you guys are all I have.”

He wanted so badly to tell Youngjae he was sorry and put their broken friendship back together, but right now that’s not what was important.

“Jackson,” Bambam’s voice came in right on cue.  “Look who’s here.”

Jinyoung shoved Youngjae aside so he could see Mark Tuan, walking into the living room straight towards Jackson.

Tonight, he was going to make sure this didn’t happen.

Jinyoung walked in and grabbed Mark by the arm, pulling him out of the room before Jackson had the chance to say anything. 

“What… Jinyoung?!”  Mark tried to get Jinyoung off him but he couldn’t break free.

“Don’t do this Mark,” Everyone was staring now.  Jinyoung kept pulling Mark along until he walked right into a body, standing in his way.

“What the hell are you doing?  That’s Mark, you know?  The weirdo.”  Jaebum’s slurred voice was the last thing he wanted to hear right now.

“Get out of my way.”  Jinyoung wasn’t holding on as tightly to Mark but Mark stayed by his side anyway.

“I didn’t see you at lunch today, what’s up with you?”  Jaebum looked him up and down, still in his outfit of the day.  “What are you wearing?  Why are you…”  He turned to Mark.  “Did you do this to him?  You corrupted him.”  Jaebum was drunk out of his mind he wasn’t making any sense, but Jinyoung’s blood was boiling.

“Don’t you dare talk to Mark like that.”  Nothing matters.  Nothing mattered.

“I can talk however the I like to anyone!  What are you going to do?”  Jinyoung shoved Jaebum’s hand, turning his cup upside down and sending alcohol flying at his face.  Jaebum stumbled backward, already way too wobbly on his feet.

Wow, that felt kind of good. 

Jinyoung slipped away with Mark while Jaebum was trying to figure out what happened, pulling them both into the bathroom and locking the door.

“Why are you doing this?”  Mark said when they both calmed down from the rush of running from the scene.

“You’re making a mistake.”

“How did you even know I was here?  How do you know-“

“Listen to me Mark, I know much more than I should but what’s important right now is that you realize you’re beautiful and important and you deserve the best life.  I care a lot about you.”

“You...”  Jinyoung steps closer, Mark was staring straight into his soul searching for an answer.

Jinyoung knew there was a very high possibility this day would fade away just like all the other days before.  He didn’t want to have any more regrets.

Jinyoung pressed his lips against Mark’s slow and steady at first in case Mark would freak out.

He didn’t.

He kissed back.  Jinyoung suddenly felt so stupid.  This entire time he had been so stupid.

12:38AM

Jinyoung pulled Mark closer, wanting to make sure he was safe in his arms.

12:39AM

Jinyoung felt a rush from his head to his toes.  His body grounded, his feet firmly planted on the floor, and Mark’s tongue in his mouth.

12:40AM

Mark was still there, his arms wrapped as tightly around Jinyoung as Jinyoung’s arms were wrapped around Mark.

Mark separated from him for a second, wiping at his face.  “Are you crying?”

Jinyoung hadn’t even noticed the wetness dripping down his face.  “No, don’t worry.  It’s nothing.” Jinyoung pushed himself against Mark’s chest, no so discreetly wiping his face on Mark’s white shirt.

“Are you sure?”

Jinyoung looked up at him.  He was glowing, so handsome and at peace.  “I’m just happy you’re here.”

Jinyoung had lost track of time, the party sounded like it had died down.  He was still sitting with Mark in the locked bathroom, talking and hugging and kissing, lots of kissing.  Yugyeom was probably going to bust the door down and kick them out of his house soon.  Jinyoung didn’t want to walk out while there were still so many people to judge them.

“Are you going to answer that?”  Mark’s hand grazed Jinyoung back pants pocket, where it had wandered during their current make out session. 

Jinyoung was thoroughly enjoying blocking out the real world, but it really was buzzing like crazy.

Jinyoung reluctantly took his hands off Mark and reached into his pocket, where he saw that he was being bombarded by messages from at least twenty different people.  He was wondering what could be so urgent until he saw the previews, sending him articles, asking him if he’s okay, and wondering where he was.

He clicked on the first one, the words. ‘Three Senior High School Students Dead After Massive Collison…”  He didn’t need to read anymore, he knew.

“Jinyoung, what happened?”

Jinyoung sighed, turning his phone off and tossing it into the bathroom sink.  “It’s nothing.”  Life was pointless, and nothing mattered.  There would always be tomorrow, and in Jinyoung’s case that tomorrow would be today.

Jinyoung pulled Mark back into his arms.

“Kiss me again.”