6:38AM

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

Jinyoung woke up shaken, his throat dry and his breaths heavy.

He immediately reached for his phone and checked the date.

Friday, February 14^th.

Valentine’s Day.

Jinyoung shoves his face into a pillow to stifle his screaming.

“Park Jinyoung!  Get out of bed this instant!” 

The memories kept flooding back.  Youngjae listening to music, Bambam on his phone, Jackson pissed off. 

Then the car flipping over and over, Jackson screaming as the car flew into the wooded area to the side of the road and then… nothing.

 “Jinyoung!”  His mom was standing at his bedroom door now.  “Why are you still in bed?  You have school!  I’ve been calling you for ten minutes.”  She nagged.

“I feel sick, I don’t think I can go to school today.”  Jinyoung faked a cough and he was sure his mom wasn’t buying it.  He thought his acting skills were pretty good but his mom had known him for long enough to see right through him.

“Jackson’s already downstairs.”  Jinyoung sees his phone flashing from the numerous messages Jackson had sent, he doesn’t need to check them for the third time.

“I really feel like I’m getting the flu or something, tell him to go on without me.”  Jinyoung was trying to channel the puppy dog eyes Jackson always used on him.

“Really, on Valentine’s day?  Did something happen?”

“No, mom, I’m sick.” 

“Did you fight with your friends?”

“Mom.”

Jinyoung’s mom sighed so loudly her shoulders almost touched her ears as she shrugged.  “Alright, you can sleep for a little bit more and I’ll wake you up in an hour.  If you’re feeling better by then I’ll drive you to school so you don’t miss the whole day.”

Jinyoung was extremely thankful when she left because he needed to be left alone with his thoughts that were spiraling out of control faster than Jackson’s car the night before.

Of all things that were running through his mind the most prevalent thought was why me.

Was he cursed?  Did he do something so awful that he had been doomed to die repeatedly?  Who knows, maybe death was just having to relive your the day you die again and again for eternity.

He touched his face with his hands, feeling his skin under his fingers.  He was still alive, that was for certain.

That got him thinking, if he was still alive and he knew exactly how this day was going to play out, wasn’t there still a chance to change his fate?

For once, he was hopeful. 

He was not dead yet, and if he was alive he would find a way to stop himself from making the same mistakes.

 Jinyoung’s mom dropped him off at school in time for second period (chemistry- he was positive the first time he wrote the in-class quiz he had gotten near perfect but after writing it for the third time he knew it was flawless) which was over in a breeze.  He found himself speed walking to the cafeteria to meet up with Jackson and the rest.

“Jinyoung, wait up!”  Jinyoung heard Yugyeom calling out to him and he walked through the hallway.  “Jinyoung!!”

Jinyoung turned around and was presented with a bouquet of flowers.

“You missed history class today, so I picked these up for you.”  He said.

Jinyoung took the five familiar roses, including the one with the cryptic message.

“Also, there’s a party at my house tonight!  Are you coming?”

“Sorry, I’m not feeling well.  I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.”

Yugyeom’s face fell.  “It’ll be fun-“

“I really don’t think I’ll be able to make it.”  Jinyoung cut in.

“Oh,” Yugyeom adjusted his bag strap, still frowning.  “That’s alright, but if you change your mind I’ll be happy to see you there.”

Yugyeom always towered over him but it was times like these you could really tell how much younger he was.  He was a brat and Jinyoung loved to pick on him but Jinyoung always had a soft spot for him somewhere deep in his heart.  “I wouldn’t bet on it, but thanks anyways Yugyeom.”

 “What do you mean you can’t go out?”  Bambam asks, his fry already halfway to his mouth when he paused in shock.

“I don’t feel like it,” He hoped his friends would be easier to fool than his mom. “Why can’t we stay in?  We used to do that all the time.”

“That’s because we didn’t get invited to parties before.”  Youngjae adds.

“Speak for yourself.”  Jackson said.  Youngjae gave him a side eye in response.

This is harder than I thought.  “Listen, you know me and Jaebum broke up last week?  I heard he’s going to be there tonight and I really can’t stand to see him right now.”  Jinyoung spots Jaebum in the cafeteria food line, approximately five minutes until he unceremoniously walks over to their table and tries to engage in a conversation.

Jinyoung texts faster than he had ever texted before.

jinyoung: we need to talk

jb: about what?

jinyoung: we’ll talk tonight at the party

jinyoung: as in don’t talk to me until then

Jaebum looks back straight at Jinyoung.  This isn’t working, he’s about to walk over here.

jinyoung: just meet me at the party and you’ll find out exactly what I need to talk about ;)

jinyoung: thanks for the rose btw

jb: is that so?  I’ll see you tonight then ;)

Jaebum smiles back at Jinyoung before making his way to his lunch table, leaving him unbothered. 

One bullet dodged.  “Jinyoung, are you paying attention?  Put your phone down.”  Bambam waves a fry at him to get his attention.

“It’s really personal, I hope you guys understand.”  Bambam and Youngjae still seem unconvinced.

“Don’t look so upset, I’m fine with staying in if that’s what Jinyoung wants.”  Thank God for Jackson.  “We don’t need some boring party to have fun, we can all hang out at my house, play some video games, drink my mom’s liquor, it’ll be a good time.”

“We should have a sleepover, just like we used to!”  Youngjae was over the disappointment quickly.  “Don’t make that face Bambam, there will be other parties.”

Bambam pouts.  “Fine…”

“Look, here comes the crypt keeper.”  Jackson said, pointing at Mark walking into the cafeteria right on cue. 

His white oversized t-shirt swallowed him whole, making his tiny frame look even tinier. 

“Mark!  Did you get my rose?”  Jackson yelled. 

“Oh my god, don’t tell me you sent him the same message again?” Youngjae said through giggles.

“Maybe next year, but probably not,” Jackson confirmed.  “Markie!  Did you get it or not?!”  Jackson yelled again.

“Stop trying, I’m pretty sure he’s mute or something.  Have you ever even heard him talk?”  Bambam added.

“Why do you hate Mark?”  The question escaped Jinyoung’s mouth before he could stop himself.

Youngjae almost choked on his soda.  “Are you serious?!” 

Jackson looks bewildered, not expecting the sudden accusation.  “I don’t hate him”

“Yes, you do.  You’ve been harassing him since freshman year.”

“Don’t tell me you feel bad for him or something,” Bambam laughs.  “No sympathy for weirdos.”

“Jackson, you’ve known him since primary school, ri-“ Youngjae stops mid-sentence after a swift kick from Jackson under the table.

“Shut up and eat your lunch Youngjae, I’m gonna lose my appetite if we keep talking about that creep.”  Jackson looks away while shoving the last of his burger into his mouth.  The whole table knows this conversation is now over.

 “Whose idea was it to watch a scary movie again, knowing very damn well we can barely watch real life crime mysteries without freaking ourselves out?”  Jackson was clutching his blanket against his chest, still shaking.

“Bambam said it was just a thriller, nothing s-super scary.”  Youngjae had tears in his eyes, clinging onto Jinyoung for dear life.

“Come on guys, it wasn’t that b-bad.”  The tremble in Bambam’s voice gave him away.  “It was rated five stars.”

“Alright guys the movie is over, let’s try to forget about it and move on.”  Jinyoung tries to pry Youngjae off him but fails.

“He’s right,” Jackson gets up and turns the radio on full blast.  “There’s still a lot of wine left!”

Bambam takes out his phone to check his social media, hoping that would be a worthy distraction.  “The party looks wild,” He turns his phone over them to show someone’s snapchat story.  “Isn’t this Jaebum puking on the couch?  What a mess.” 

“Gross, don’t show us that!”  Youngjae swats Bambam’s phone away. 

Jinyoung crawls over and pours himself another full glass of wine.  “Once a mess always a mess.”

Youngjae tries to stifle a yawn but Jinyoung catches him. 

“Maybe we should go to sleep, that movie really the life out of me.”  Jinyoung says for Youngjae’s sake.

“The night is still young, I can keep partying until 4AM.”  Jackson busted out some dance moves and pulled Bambam up to join him.  He was reluctant at first but then he played along, the light buzz egging them on.

Jinyoung pulled out his phone, his nerves getting the better of him.

12:37AM

It was that time again, but surely nothing would happen tonight.  He played his cards right, they were all safely at home.

No rainy nights, no buzzed driving, no lonely roads.

12:38AM

Jackson and Bambam were dancing their worries away.  Youngjae had collapsed onto the floor behind Jinyoung, struggling to keep his eyes open. 

Nothing could go wrong.

12:39AM

Jinyoung squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fist out of instinct, bracing for impact.

He opened his eyes a moment later.

12:40AM

Jackson and Bambam are still dancing.  Youngjae is still passed out.  Jinyoung is still holding his glass of wine while sitting cross legged on the floor.

He could’ve cried right there and then.

“I love you guys… so much.”  He blurts out.

“Uhh,” Jackson stops dead in his tracks.  “I love you too Jinyoung?” 

“Yeah… love you too.”  Bambam agrees, confused by his sudden outbursts.

Youngjae snored.

“Time to sleep.”  Jinyoung declares, refusing to let his night end on anything but this happy note.

 They’re woken up in the middle of the night by the house phone ringing.

“Ahh, let go of me!  Get it off me!”  Youngjae yells as he snaps awake.

“Calm down Youngjae, that was just a nightmare.”  Bambam pushed Youngjae back down from where he was asleep on the couch next to him.

“For ’s sake, can someone pick up the phone?”  Jackson groans.  “Who calls in the middle of the night?!”

Jinyoung heard footsteps upstairs, and then the phone stopped ringing.  Jackson’s mom must’ve woken up.

“Thank God.”  Jackson rolls back over under the covers.

“Who’s calling now?  It’s almost 2AM.”  Bambam’s face is lit up by his phone he grabbed from under his pillow.

Jinyoung clearly hears Jackson’s mom say, “Oh no, oh my god.”  Into the phone from outside.

“Jackson-“  Jinyoung is interrupted when Jackson’s mom burst into the room.

“Mom, what happened?”  Jackson is on his feet as soon and he sees his mom in distress.  “Who was that on the phone?”

“You guys, I-… I…”

Everyone is on their feet now.  Jackson’s mom looked shaken.

“What’s going on?  Tell us mom.”  Jackson urged.

“You all know Mark Tuan?”  Jinyoung wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but the mention of Mark was probably at the bottom of his list.

“Uh, yeah.”  Jackson’s face twisted as if just hearing his name left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Well, he-“ Jackson’s mom stopped for a moment, as if she were trying to put together the right words in her mind but was having a hard time.  “That was Ms. Hara on the phone.”

Jinyoung didn’t have any idea who that was, but Jackson’s face twitched as he heard the name.

“She lives in the apartment next to the Tuans, apparently the street has been swarmed by ambulances for the past half hour.”

“I don’t get it.”  Youngjae’s voice is barely a whisper, the sleepiness in his eyes replaced by anticipation and fear.

Jackson’s mom heaved a deep breath, clutching her arms to her chest.  “Mark Tuan is dead.  He killed himself tonight.”

Total silence. 

Nobody dared to speak, the sound of their own breathing thundered in Jinyoung’s ears.  He felt like his heart had stopped beating and he was falling deep into an abyss.  Falling and falling.  He would never hit the ground.

“How?”  Bambam choked out in a whisper.

“Ms. Hara heard a gunshot, she thought it was a firecracker or something.”

“He shot himself?” Jackson’s voice was the quietest Jinyoung had ever heard.

They all looked sick to their stomach, trying to digest this information the best they could.

Jinyoung kept picturing tiny and fragile Mark Tuan holding a gun in his hand and the image didn’t make sense.  Mark Tuan with the gorgeous features and the bright eyes holding a gun.

“Do you think…”  Youngjae was shaking harder than when he was watching the scary movie earlier.  “Do you think it was because of our rose?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Jackson snaps.  “It’s not like it was the first time we sent him that rose.”

“That makes it even worse.”  Bambam couldn’t take his eyes off the ground.

“At least we acknowledged him, most people treated him like he was invisible.”  Jackson’s fists were clenched.

“Still, on his last day…”  Youngjae trails off.

“He’s better off this way.” 

Everyone was now staring at Jackson, hardly comprehending the words that were coming out of his mouth.

“What?  Mark was miserable.  Mark found his escape.  What’s done is done.”  Jackson didn’t have an ounce of remorse in his words.

“God, Jackson.” Bambam sits back down, obviously hurt by his harshness.

“Maybe we should’ve been nicer to him.”  Youngjae sits down beside Bambam.

“Please,” Jackson’s voice is back to being loud and sharp.  “You can’t be mean to someone forever then feel bad for them when they die.”

“But I do feel bad.”  Youngjae looks like he’s on the verge of tears and usually, Jinyoung would be the first to comfort him but he was paralyzed.  He didn’t speak a word.  He was still in shock, falling deeper and deeper into a reality he didn’t want.

“Then you’re a hypocrite, and that’s worse than anything.”  Jackson gets up and shuts off the light.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have sleep to catch up on.”

A minute passes in silence before Bambam speaks.  “I’m going to go sleep upstairs.”  He picks up his pillow and blanket and leaves the living room.

“I’m going upstairs too.”  Youngjae says quickly, and picks up his stuff and runs after Bambam.

Jinyoung isn’t sure if Jackson is asleep or not, his breaths were soft but not drawn out.

Jackson has always had an overwhelming personality.  He was very outgoing and could make strangers his friends in under a minute with his jokes and charm.  Jinyoung loved him for that, but there’s always been this dominance in the way he carries himself.  Once his mind is set on a path or opinion there’s no deterring him.  It was either his way or the high way and anyone who didn’t follow him was wrong.

Jinyoung crawls out from under the covers, making sure Jackson was asleep before tiptoeing into the den.

Jackson’s mom loved taking pictures, she had shelves and shelves of huge photo albums and framed pictures living every inch of the house.  The den was where the most pictures were, all neatly lined up from newborn to Jackson’s teenage years.

Jinyoung never thought much of the pictures before, but he had to know.

After countless pictures of baby Jackson there were ones of him in school, preschool, kindergarten, and then grade one.  In that picture, he’s sitting in a sandbox next to a boy the same age as him, his eyes the brightest he had ever seen them.

He knew that had to be Mark.

Mark is in several pictures, stretching from primary through to middle school.  Playing together, eating together, they had to have been attached at the hip if Ms. Wang had so many pictures of them together.

Sometime around grade six Mark disappeared altogether from the pictures.

“What are you doing?”  Jinyoung almost jumps right out his skin when he hears Jackson’s voice.

“Don’t scare me like that.”  Jackson is draped in his blanket, he looks ghostly in the dim light.

“What are you doing with that?”  Jinyoung’s holding the picture frame in his hand, the one of Mark and Jackson in the sandbox.

“You guys were friends.”  It sounds like an accusation.  “You were friends for years.”

Jackson can’t meet Jinyoung’s eyes.  “It’s not my fault.  Mark is crazy, you know that.”

“Jackson-“

“His whole family is crazy.  I heard his mom is an alcoholic, his dad doesn’t love her.  They’re crazy.  He’s crazy.”  Jackson is rambling now, trying to find a way to justify himself.

“Was.” 

“What?”

“He was crazy.”  Jinyoung rasped.  “He’s not anything anymore.”

Jackson didn’t respond, breathing deeply in and out instead.  Jinyoung heard a choked sob under his breath and Jackson ran away before Jinyoung could say anything, burying himself back into the mattress in the living room and hiding under the covers.

Jinyoung heard Jackson’s silent sobs all night, but he didn’t say anything more.

He fell back into a familiar darkness instead.