79, 26/06/17

Today I pulled Jongie aside and asked him if he knows what is really going on in Myungsoo and Dongwoo-hyung’s room. If anyone would know, it’d be him - he shares their room after all, although it seems like he only sleeps in there, on an inflatable mattress on the floor.

He led me into the bathroom and locked the door. “Honestly, hyung, I’m not sure either. They argue really often, about stupid stuff, about the others, and about you too. Myungsoo seems to not like you very much anymore. But whenever I come back to the room, they’re just lying on the bed, whispering to each other. They don’t talk to me much. Or, Myungsoo-hyung ignores me. Dongwoo-hyung seems normal though.” He sighed. “The thing is, back when we first were locked in here, Dongwoo-hyung didn’t take it very well. He misses his family a lot. Myungsoo-hyung pulled me aside, then, and told me to be extra nice to Dongwoo-hyung, and to leave him alone. Myungsoo knew how to handle him. ‘He’s delicate, you see’ he told me.”

That explained some things. “But why does he hate me so much?”

“You’re not the only one, hyung. He’s distant to me too. And he argued with Sunggyu-hyung the other day, and that never happens.” He sighed, again. “He’s grown up a lot - he’s damn opinionated now. But he still won’t take a ing shower!” That’s our cute maknae.

“You’ve grown up a lot too, Sungjongie. Cursing about your hyungs too, now, huh?” I ruffled his hair, but it was awkward as he is taller than me now.

“But... what’s going on with you and Woohyun-hyung? You’re not fighting too, are you?” He looked a sad and burdened. It made my heart break a little with guilt.

it. “Honestly? He haven’t been fighting. We’ve been getting each other off.”

He looked relieved . “Oh phew! I don’t know what I’d do if even you two were arguing.” That’s it? That’s his reaction?? He looked only a little awkward. “What? I get it, okay. Fair enough.” His face turned sour. “Wait… You don’t do it in the kitchen, do you? Gross, hyung.” I actually chuckled a little. He didn’t wait for me to deny it. “And how have you been doing, hyung?” He looked straight into my eyes with honesty.

I did not think about jumping off the balcony. “I…” His question touched me, as always happens when our maknae shows his compassion for us. “I’m surviving, I guess. As well as I can. I don’t have nightmares like I did before anymore.”

He hugged me. I had to hold back tears, as I think he did too. “That’s good. I’m glad.”

I love him so much. If something were to happen to him I don’t know what I’d do.

80, 27/06/17

I talked to Dongwoo hyung while he was walking back from the bathroom, just about innocent topics - the food, the weather, the date. But surely enough, Myungsoo’s voice floated out of his room, ‘hyung, can you help me with this?’ Dongwoo-hyung gave me an apologetic smile and returned to their room.

An hour later, he came out again, looking normal. “Howonie, can you cut my hair for me?” he asked. I seized the opportunity. I think I did a good job. He looks exactly the same as he did when we got here, now. But when I asked him to help me with dinner he made an excuse and went back to his room.

I brought it up to Woohyun-hyung but he just shrugged. He said Myungsoo wasn’t acting that weird to him. I wonder what Sunggyu-hyung’s plan is.

81, 28/06/17

Maybe I should tell Woohyun-hyung. About me and Gyu-hyung. Or I should at least ask Sunggyu-hyung what he thinks.

82, 29/06/17

I had a big, big fight with Myungsoo today.

He walked in after Sunggyu-hyung had left for the bathroom after one of our... sessions. I was lying on their bed in the afterglow, and he walked in without knocking with a normal 'hey, hyu-'

The evidence was in the air - he must have smelt it, but thankfully I had tidied it up with tissues and put a t-shirt and boxers on. I didn't think to pretend I was asleep, but he might have left me alone if I had.

I looked to him and was greeted with the snarl of disdain that I always see nowadays, marring his handsome face. He closed the door, silently, and walked up to the bed. I just watched him, as if I was challenging him to say something.

"Whatever you're doing - playing around with the hyung's hearts - it ends now, you hear me?" He spoke quietly with his deep voice so he wouldn't be heard.

That condescending look on his face was what I hated. "No. you. What's your ing problem?" I spat out, keeping my voice equally quiet.

"Don't act like you're not in the wrong here, Lee Howon. You're ing with Woohyun AND Sunggyu-hyung. Cut it out or you won't like what'll happen. Do-" The son of a was threatening me. He was less scary to me than a ing cat or something. It was almost funny, pathetic, seeing him try to scare me off. I faced down a man ten times scarier than him when I was eight.

I almost laughed. " off, Myungsoo. I'm doing it 'cos they asked me to. That's right, your beloved hyungs asked me to get them off. So if you have a ing problem, take it out on them, and not me."

"You're a ing !" He wasn't scary but he could act like it, I'd give him that. "Hyung comes complaining to you and you get on your damn knees for him. And then again for Sunggyu-hyung... because he asked nicely? I think ing not." He was red, and ready to physically fight. "Do you even know what you're doing to the group? How much you've messed up because you couldn't keep it in your pants until we got out?"

" off!" I shouted back, not trying to keep the volume down anymore. Unknowingly I had stood up.

"You're ruining the hyungs. You're a ing -" I punched him in his handsome, scowling face. He fell against the door.

I stood there for a second, in shock, because our band fights only reached physical combat a few times, and those were all between Sunggyu, Woohyun and Sungyeol a long time ago. It had been even longer since I had raised my fist at someone.

He righted himself, and then lunged. He got in a solid kick to my kneecap - where he knew I'd been injured last year. It buckled a bit, he's one strong motherer. It's easy to forget that while I'm known for being 3rd dan in taekwondo, he's 2nd dan, though my teacher would have cried at the techniques we used.

We stopped shouting at each other and let out our frustrations with our fists. Eventually I pushed him onto the bed and solidly hit his solar plexus. He flipped us over, punched me in the face, which hurt like my childhood, and then he slipped his hands to my neck. And he held them there, squeezing.

I've never been choked before. It should probably have been more terrifying than it was.

I clawed at his arm, but I didn't really fight back - there was no point. We'd end this useless fight quicker if I didn't, and then Myungsoo would tell me what his real problem is, I hoped.

But Woohyun and Sungyeol barged in, then. Somebody said 'what the ' and then everybody was talking over each other and swearing and pulling Myungsoo off me. He pushed Sungyeol back, hard, but Woohyun and Sungjong managed to pull him off me.

I had to lay there for a minute, my vision swirling with black and fuzz and chaos, but I noticed Dongwoo-hyung frozen in the doorway. Myungsoo was fighting Sungyeol’s hold on the other side of the room.

My hearing slammed back into place and I heard him shouting at them, not like he used to with pathetic high pitched screams, but like a feral beast, a man with nothing left to lose. Then his words were coherent again; "...you're gonna let this happen? Let Infinite fall apart because of him? That's not the Howon we used to have! He's changed since we got here! Our Howon would never..."

He threw them off him, somehow, and launched himself back at me, hit me once more, and strangled me again, harder. "Does Woohyun even ing know? That you're doing it with Sunggyu-hyung too?" He screamed, raw and rabid. Jongie was screaming 'stop it!'

Woohyun-hyung pushed him off me again and onto the floor. He gave him a solid kick to the gut, and then another, and another, as Myungsoo curled up.

Finally, Sunggyu-hyung pushed past Dongwoo-hyung in the doorway. I realise now that he probably didn't even know about Woohyun, let alone Sunggyu.

Sunggyu-hyung didn't need to say anything for us all to stop. There were a few seconds where we just all stood there, silent and still while his eyes panned over us and we waited for his judgment to come. It's amazing how even with his hair wet from a shower and no shirt on, revealing his pitiful, thin body, Sunggyu-hyung has control over us with just a look.

"What the hell is going on here, Howon?" His dark eyes focused on me.

I sat up and tried to speak - I made a sound, but words couldn't come out, only a sliver of breath. I'm not sure if that was the strangling or my state of mind.

I almost sighed in relief as his intense eyes found a new target. "Woohyun?"

"I came in and saw Myungsoo strangling the out of Howon, so Sungyeol and I stopped him."

"You were kicking him into the ground, Woohyun. Why?"

Woohyun's eyes steeled - he's the only one who can match Sunggyu-hyung like this. "He was beating the out of Howon, that's why!"

Myungsoo was kneeling, clutching his middle, "He attacked me!" He sounded desperate.

Hyung's dreadful eyes turned back to me. "Did you, Howon?"

I couldn't look him in the eye and gave up. "Yes." I rasped out.

He sighed. "Was it about us? And you and Woohyun?"

I nodded. I felt my knee hurt, and my ribs and my face and neck, since the adrenaline started wearing off. It hurt to breathe at all, let alone talk. I spoke "Yes" all the same.

"Myungsoo, leave him alone. Go to your room." He commanded. "Everyone, go back to your rooms. Nothing to see here anymore."

Sunggyu-hyung looked me over and then went to check on Myungsoo. Dongwoo, Sungjong and Sungyeol were whispering to each other in the lounge. Sungjong looked at me with pity. I couldn’t look the others in the eye, now that they know. Woohyun stayed with me and did what he could to patch me up. We think one of my ribs is cracked or fractured, and it hurts to move my upper body and expand my ribcage. Every breath is agonising.

He stayed silent about the argument. I still have no idea if he knew that I was also doing it with Sunggyu-hyung too, but his hands were gentle and his mouth firmly shut, so I followed suit.

I didn't feel guilty, I don't owe him. I never promised him anything.

83, 30/06/17

Today I got Woohyun-hyung off again. I went to shower afterwards and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror (it seems like it has been avoiding me recently. I wonder if staying in here long enough will turn me into a vampire).

My jaw is tinged blue, and so are my wrists - in dark bracelets that I recognise from a long time ago. They felt odd, disjointed, out of place, like I was wearing my mother's jewellery.

The most obvious was a necklace of black. It was even harder to talk today. In the dark, Woohyun-hyung, especially gentle today, tried to kiss it better but in the cold light of the the camping light. It's painfully obvious, but it's kind of pretty. I like it.

My favourites are the scratches, carved by Myungsoo's long, uncared for fingernails. They're everywhere he could reach - my arms, my face and the back of my neck, little red welts. I ran my finger underneath my ears and they felt like tiny speed bumps.

I have cut everyone but his and Dongwoo-hyung's fingernails. I should at least sneak them the clippers, because Myungsoo certainly won't let me do theirs myself anymore. Not now I've ed everything up - he must be bearing matching bruises to me. Or rather, a complementary set. A bruise on the other side of his jaw, a clear neck but an abdomen tainted purple.

That was Woohyun-hyung though. I think he's even angrier than me. He didn't make their room food today, but I slipped them both meals. I feel bad for Dongwoo-hyung the most. Myungsoo was right, he is delicate, and I should at least have not let him find out like that.

But Sunggyu-hyung says to avoid the both of them, so I will.

84, 01/07/17

My bruises have blossomed today - dark hues of blue, black and purple like daisies dyed dark. Jongie looked at my neck and whispered 'oh my god, hyung...'. I'm sure I saw awe mixed in with the disgust in his eyes.

You can just make out fingers at the edges, linked to the nail prints, and I traced Myungsoo’s hands on my wrists too.

I couldn't cover them up even if I wanted to, but there's no point - I only see Infinite these days and now they all know everything about me. Even that I'm doing stuff with Woohyun and Sunggyu.

The bruises are just jewellery - and my shackles.

85, 02/07/17

Seoul city is still beautiful in the mornings. The sunrise is tinged green.

Today when I traced the handprint bruises I squeezed. It's a comforting kind of pain. I will stay out of Myungsoo's way.

86, 03/07/17

Sunggyu-hyung accidentally grabbed my right wrist while I was helping little Sunggyu out today. I gasped and it brought tears to my eyes but I didn't make him stop.

The bruises are going brown and yellow in places, and there's a full rainbow on my jaw now. It's kind of a pity though - it shows that they're healing.

87, 04/07/17

At around 3am last night/this morning/whatever, Dongwoo-hyung woke me up. He gestured to be quiet, and we I followed him onto the balcony.

It was nice and warm and balmy - it’s July now, after all. He said he just wanted to talk to me and that he missed me. I asked him “What is up with you and Myungsoo, though? It looks like he’s not letting you leave that room.” He gave me a fake smile.

“He’s just overprotective. He thinks he needs to look after me, but I just let him because he needs something to do. He’s not taking being trapped in here very well. I think he’s getting claustrophobic.” When I asked him what his problem is with me, Dongwoo-hyung laughed. “He doesn’t have a problem with you, Howon. If he’s acting weirdly, it’s because he’s in a grumpy mood, that’s all.”

If I wasn’t his friend of seven years, I might have believed him.

We moved on to talk about inane things. It was nice, and I realised that I missed him a lot, and I told him to come again, when he can, and then he crept back to his prison.

88, 05/07/17

The bruises are quickly dissipating. Now they’re going, and I talked with Dongwoo-hyung I feel like I am waking up. The past few days feel like a dream. In fact, all eighty eight of these crazy days feel like a brief nightmare. I can fix things with Myungsoo, and we can go back to practice rooms and takeaway and concerts soon. In the meantime, at least I can dream of it.

89, 06/07/17

I hung out with Yeollie today in his closet. Jongie joined us for a while. At least those two have kept up a normal friendship. We wrote the plot of a fun kdrama, giving each other roles in it too. Sungyeol really does have an active imagination, which is probably how he manages to stay entertained in this closet all day. He then (embarrassedly) revealed to me that he has a notebook full of ideas - for fiction, plays, dramas and books alike which he has written.

He talked animatedly about them, which was really nice to see. We’re going to talk more about it. I’m excited.

I wonder if he’ll ever get to publish them, or maybe even get them performed.

90, 07/07/17

2am. I woke up because I felt a presence climbing over my feet, up over my knees and reaching for my face again. This time there was no screaming.

But then solid hands clamped around my neck and squeezed, again, and I opened my eyes, tearing up, to see a familiar, godlike, handsome face twisted into a familiar snarl.

Gasping, I let my hands wander to his arms and clamp on, over his freshly healed bruises. They didn't pull him off though. I tried to move but nothing happened. Instead I looked into his eyes and searched for what he wanted from me until my eyes were forced to tear up in pain. It hurt even more, the pressure on my healing skin and crushed windpipe. Subconscious tears ran down my face. They pooled on his warm hands.

"You aren't even trying to stop me, crazy bastard." He hissed. I choked a weak cry out. "You want this, don't you. You want to-" Matching tears ran down his face. That was a Myungsoo I'm more familiar with. They dripped onto my face, one landed on my lips. It was cold and salty. The dim light from the moon reflected off his tears and his ruined his once perfect features. My mother told me if you pull one face for long enough it'll get stuck that way - but his snarl shattered in a second.

His hands loosened and so did mine. He edged back and crawled into a ball against the sofa, hands over his eyes. Like a real kid. He sobbed, and gasping, I regained my breathing.

He kept on brokenly crying 'hyung', quietly, but I have no idea which one he was calling for.

A few minutes later he suddenly got up and went to the bathroom. He slammed the door and it echoed in the silence he left behind.

I'm writing this now, while he's in the bathroom. I have to stop before he comes out and catches me writing. If he, or anyone else read this I think I'd really just die.

-

I accidentally fell asleep before he went back, but the bathroom door was open when I woke up. You can't see any new bruises so I won't mention it to Sunggyu-hyung. He'd be angry with both of us and I don't want to make it worse. I'm not even sure it wasn't a dream.

But I'm in high spirits - and I'm making sure everybody knows, well, except Myungsoo and his pet. I asked Jongie to bring them their food today. But I played a game of cards with Yeollie and Sunggyu-hyung and offered my help with the washing to Jongie. He declined, with pity in his eyes. I didn't let him get to me.

And I helped out Woohyun-hyung today. He took it slow, and carefully got me off with him. He kissed my collarbone and left a hickey there. Now all of my skin is marked in one way or another. It felt a little disgusting for a second though, in the dim light of his room, when he ran his fingers over every bruise and every thin rib that protrudes from translucent skin now I've lost so much weight. He kissed the cracked one, so lightly, so carefully, that I felt it but it didn't hurt. I almost wished he'd turn the light off like Sunggyu-hyung and quickly keep going, but it sent trills of pleasure down my spine that I haven't ever felt before.

It's like every time with him is a new discovery.

It's even harder to speak, now. I can barely rasp thanks to the combined efforts of my sore rib and crushed windpipe, but I don't think I'll die or it'll last. I must be happy about that.

What I do know, however, after seeing Myungsoo's confusion last night, is that I must talk with him. He's still a kid at heart, more so than Jongie or Yeollie in many ways. He's fragile, picky and possessive over his toys, although I'm still not sure what exactly I did to rub him up the wrong way. But I want to know, and I want to fix it.

Because this isn't like us - this isn't the Infinite I love.

91, 08/07/17

I got up at 3am to use the bathroom last night, but I collapsed on the way back, in the middle of the kitchen. I was sound asleep when Dongwoo tripped over me with a loud thud. He got up, checked over me, I pretended to still be sleeping, and then he walked on.

I was awake enough to see Myungsoo creep out of their room. He was probably worried after the crash. He saw me and hurried over. I feigned sleep again.

He rolled me over and seemed to be checking me for wounds. On a whim, I let my eyes open and his met mine in the hazy darkness. I probably should have felt afraid. I'm not sure how long he stayed there for but it was more than a few seconds.

The toilet flushed and he ghosted back into his room. Surely enough, Dongwoo came out and this time carefully walked around me.

I wasn't about to get any more sleep so I went to my usual spot and wrote this.

I miss Dongwoo-hyung. And I miss our old Myungsoo. But I don't know how to get them back. I don't even know if I can.

92, 09/07/17

The bruises have faded. I miss them.

93, 10/07/17

Another day passes. Why am I writing this? I should rather forget it all.

94, 11/07/17

I had another night time visit, but I don't know how to think anymore. Tonight it was different.

Myungsoo and Dongwoo were arguing in hushed tones again, and then there was quiet. About five minutes after the noise died down, Myungsoo left his room. This time he ignored me and went straight to the bathroom. He was only a minute or so in there, until he stormed out, quietly, towards me. He held my gaze and kneeled down. I sat up, ready to talk.

He lunged and put his hand over my mouth in one swift movement. After a quick struggle he pinned my wrist on the floor and my body with his weight. I tried to push him off, properly, but he stayed there. He didn't even say anything. He just glared at me with those contempt-filled eyes. Except I noticed that there was no contempt this time, but wonder. Wonder, a gory sort, and pride. And arousal.

I realised that what I felt on my abdomen was that he was hard, and my eyes widened in shock. His mirrored mine and he pushed me back and ran off, noisily. I was left, alone again, wondering what the he is up to now.

I don't know him at all anymore. I don't know this Myungsoo at all, or in fact I don't know this man who shares my friend of seven years's body - who took it over. He is possessed by an arrogant spirit, which contorts his handsome gentle face into that hateful mask. It's the only possible explanation. I think I need to sleep.

But I can't anymore.

95, 12/07/17

I think that while I was lying there, trapped, in Myungsoo's hands, some kind of connection between my mind and my body, or maybe my mind and the world, snapped. Broke cleanly in two.

I'm untethered now, free to climb the skies like a balloon a child let go of in a McDonalds car park. The boy watches in awe as it climbs higher and higher until he can't see it again. Then he cries, until his father steps out of a car and hits him again to make him 'man up'. Or maybe his friend chokes him because it wasn't his balloon to lose, or because he was jealous and now neither of them can have it. Then the balloon is gone forever, lost to the sky.

I can sit on the balcony and think of jumping off as much as I want, thank you very much. You can't judge me, Kim Myungsoo, I don't scream in my sleep anymore. Instead, my heart beats fast when Woohyun does his special cheeky smile, or when Sunggyu closes the door to his room and you can't stop that. Even I can't stop it, no matter how hard I've tried. I just can't help it either, when instead of running my hands through Yeollie and Jongie's hair I let them wrap around my neck and squeeze over your bruises. I don't want them to fade just yet. Those are your marks on me, your gift to me, and they are my pretty jewellery now. Just like how I cut Dongwoo-hyung's hair and you didn't, Myungsoo. Jealous?

You might be right about me being crazy though, haha.

I found an unsent text on my phone when I turned it on to check for signal. I don't remember writing it at all. It was to my mother:

Mother? Mother...

I'm so ed up.