28, 06/05/17

No nightmares last night. J

No big arguments either.

Woohyun and I made rice with warm water from the tap today and it took a long time but it tasted alright. I asked Sunggyu-hyung and he let us share a chocolate bar, although I had to do aegyo to get it. It was good, I missed the taste.

29, 07/05/17

Woohyun and Sungjong are back to arguing. But today I finally heard what they were shouting about – apparently Woohyun keeps on and complaining to Jongie. In particular, he whines about not ‘getting any’ recently, and Jongie doesn't give a . In his opinion, Woohyun should 'keep his mouth shut and his in his pants'. I just thought the argument was a little funny and cute in a strange way. It could have been much worse, I keep on thinking. It was almost like normal.

Then at around 6pm today I heard a loud thud from Myungsoo's room, and then the hushed, indistinct voices stopped being audible. Something is going on in there, but I know I shouldn't intervene. Dongwoo-hyung can fight his own battles.

I spoke to Jongie about it and he didn’t even realise they were fighting, in fact he had other ideas. About them getting together. He looked pissed about the idea though, and cursed Woohyun under his breath. It was cute.

I had a nightmare last night, though. But it wasn’t the hag. It wasn’t that bad at all, really. I was just lost in a maze, running, with the fog, ghastly and green chasing me at every step. I ran out of breath, and I was all alone, and I stumbled more times than I can remember, but it never caught me.

30, 08/05/17

How do the others keep themselves looking so good? Everyone’s hair has grown a bit but now mine would cover my eyes if I let my fringe hang loose, so I tuck it behind my ears. It probably looks stupid as . I also have a stupid looking little stubbly beard, but Sunggyu-hyung seems to be growing a full goatee and moustache. He looks older, and oddly enough, I think it suits him. He looks like a handsome actor now. Jongie looks different without his makeup. More masculine, grown up. Yeollie has a small acne problem. Dongwoo has a similar beard problem to me, but I don’t see much of him nowadays. Myungsoo, meanwhile, has long greasy strands of hair and black roots. He pulls it off though, of course. I think I could do that man’s make up and he would still make teenage girls faint. And then there’s Woohyun. I think he could walk out of that door straight onto the front of a magazine again if only there were still living photographers to take his pictures. I don’t think there are. But he definitely has been shaving way too often, I know how damn fast his hair grows.

Genuinely, he could get in trouble for wasting that if Sunggyu-hyung finds out. But then again, I get the feeling hyung likes that damn beard of his, so he won’t mind too much. He’s always it, contemplatively.

The worst thing is how long my ing nails are. I noticed earlier Woohyun’s were short so there must be some nail clippers, or at least scissors, in this place but I can’t find them in the dark like this. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I had the fog dream again, and I’ll have it again tonight. I know I will. But it’s not that bad – empty. I just run. The panic has faded. It’s more like a game now, between the fog and I.

31, 09/05/17

I was the only one up when Sunggyu hyung started rifling through the mess littered around the house. I offered to help him but he told me to go back to sleep. That wasn't going to happen so I pretended to sleep and listened to him. He was actually doing his job of inventory for the first time, so I was happy to leave him to it. The only ones who do our jobs are really Jongie and I, but Woohyun and Sungyeol do help, or at least talk to us while we work. Woohyun and I make both meals together now but I usually end up being the one cooking as he talks at me about how great a cook he is. Dongwoo and Woohyun have evidently done none of their cleaning job, and Yeollie's apartment is cramped and messy now. Dust is settling on the cardboard boxes we brought when we first got here.

It was only about an hour later, at around 8am, when Sunggyu-hyung called a meeting. I panicked, but I also knew that Jongie and I would probably be safe, because I'd covered that up, and even if he had figured it out, nobody could pin it on us.

We were all sitting around the lounge table, yawning and sleepy-eyed, but worried all the same, and I noticed Dongwoo-hyung especially wasn't looking good. They didn't know that the inventory was the problem yet. I sat next to the empty chair, across from Woohyun and with Jongie on my right.

Finally, Sunggyu-hyung made his entrance, with the stock lists we made when we first got here in his hands.

"Firstly, does anybody have anything to tell me?" He looked at each of us in turn, I had to carefully keep my breaths regular. I carefully did not look at Sungjongie because hyung would notice and then the game would be over. I trust Jongie did the same. "No? Nothing to confess?" His eyes focused impossibly even harder. He pulled out a ramen packet from his pocket with a slight flourish. I would have laughed if anyone else did that. "How about now." His anger, underneath his intimidation deliberately peeked through. Even though I wasn't guilty of this I wanted to run and hide and get away from him.

 Nobody moved, only our eyes studied each other around the table.

 I suspected Sungyeol and Woohyun, because I doubt Jongie took more again, and Myungsoo and Dongwoo were too obedient. I was quite surprised I hadn't noticed them sneaking past me like I had with Jongie, but it's true that my sleep has been less than regular recently.

 "Nothing to say anything, huh? Twelve packs of ramyun. That's not nothing in my book, and unless we miscounted by twelve, or a ing mouse got in here, one of you is lying." I was impressed by whoever it was that hadn't confessed yet. I was almost compelled to confess just to get out of this dreadful atmosphere.

 "This is a big ing deal, and whichever one of you had put themselves before the group and pigged out on ramen had better own up now."

 He sighed, but the tension didn't diffuse one bit. "Look, I won’t be angry, I'm just disappointed. But I need to know." No one believed him. "If you tell me now, I won't get angry." We've all seen him do this act before, intimidate, make us panic, then act nice, get us to confess, and then he really tears into you. "Last chance."

 Still, nobody moved an inch. "Fine then, but we're not going to leave here until somebody confesses. Like you're little ing kids. And whichever one of you did it, you should know that you're a ing traitor. Scum. You think you're special, you're better than the rest of us. But you don't deserve it, you don't deserve jack . If you take again, you-" I could see Jongie's composure cracking out of the corner of my eye, but my own was cracking faster. If hyung looked at me again I would have to tell him.

 "Cut it out, hyung." Woohyun's words were bold, but his tone was weak. "We get it." I watched as Sunggyu-hyung's jaw twitched out, and then back in again, like it does when he's really angry.

 "Well, one of you clearly does not get it!" He was shouting now, deafening and close with his powerful lungs.

 Woohyun shouted right back. "Interrogating us is obviously not going to work! Maybe they've already realised they were wrong and won't do it again. It's not a big deal, just get over it!"

 Sunggyu-hyung stood up, out of his chair, and Woohyun-hyung followed suit. "It was you, wasn't it! That's why you're defending them, right? ers like you don't-"

 Jongie stood up too. "Hyung this is too much! Just let it go, please."

 "You too, Sungjong-ah? I expected better of you. Honestly, people like you lot don't deserve to live! You don't even deserve to call yourself Infinite." I realised then, that , this was a bad argument. Not only was he angry, but he was irrational, and the few times I've seen him get like that end in blood, rather than just tears.

 Sungjong started crying, Sungyeol's face was as hard as stone, probably considering joining in to protect Jongie, Myungsoo glared with distaste at Woohyun, and Dongwoo looked close to a breakdown. Someone had to give in first, or it would be a bloodbath.

 "Stop it! We get it, okay? Did you ever consider that the problem lies in your dictatorial rationing?" Woohyun got up in hyung's face.

 "Nam Woohyun, you dare talk to your leader like that? I'll have-"

 "Hyung? Please sit down." I spoke, it came out far less confident that I had intended but at least I managed to say it. I placed my hand gently on hyung's wrist, which was about to move up and grab Woohyun's shirt.

 Instead of sitting down, he aggressively grabbed my wrist and pulled and gripped it ing hard. "You should have ing noticed, Howon-ah, unless you were covering for them too. I should have known I couldn't trust you two with the food, going off behind my back a-"

 "Hyung!" I was careful to be loud but not shout. I could barely feel my hand past his grip, but it was worryingly easy to stay calm. "Please stop it hyung. You're right, but they're not going to own up.” I forced my eyes open, innocent, like I’ve seen Jongie do for the fans. “We need to decide what to do instead, about the rations. Maybe we should make them a little bigger?"

 He didn't speak back, he just stared at me, his eyes fogged over with something I had never seen before. His hand burned, warm on my wrist. "Please, hyung. You're hurting me."

 He looked down at his hand on my wrist, released it, and sat down.

 "Sit down, Woohyun. I don't care who it was, but if you do it again you're officially out. Out the ing window, that is. Got it?"

 I nodded. It was a miracle that worked - I really gambled on it. But surely enough, Sunggyu-hyung likes hearing that he's right.

32, 10/05/17

I had a dream last night with a person without a face. They just had hands. All I remember is pleasure. I wonder (with fear and anticipation) what I will dream of tonight.

I don’t miss dreamless nights, nor sleepless nights. But I miss the night once the sun rises.

33, 11/05/17

Sorry for that weird entry yesterday.

‘Sorry’, haha! Who am I even writing this to?

For your information, I dreamed of candy and rainbows and unicorns. And fairies and dancing. Infinite dancing Nothing’s Over in rainbow t-shirts and short hair and innocent eyes. And lollipops and mermaids and…

Who am I kidding. I dreamed about having with a man. (Again.)

Or did I have the fog dream again? Or was it a dreamless night? Some other dream, even?

You’ll never know!

34, 12/05/17

I don’t know what’s up with me nowadays. I don’t sleep at night, and then I can’t fall asleep in the daytime because it’s too bright. At least it’s quiet.

It’s quiet all the time, here, now. No more shouting arguments, but no more laughter or games. Even when I speak with Woohyun in the kitchen while cooking I feel like I have to whisper, to not disturb the silence.

But it’s comfortable. I found the clippers and did my nails. Then Jongie made me do his. He played with my hands again. Yeollie made me join him in the closet while he did his. It’s really homey in there. He has clothes piled up on the floor and then a blanket over them, so it’s all soft to lie on. That’s what he does all day. And he reads. I wonder what he will do when we run out of books. I wonder if we will run out of books, be rescued or die first.

Then I took the clippers to Woohyun hyung and Sunggyu hyung’s room. We had a hushed conversation on Sunggyu-hyung’s nightmares and Woohyun wasting the shaving cream. He won’t be doing that anymore.

35, 13/05/17

Woohyun and Jongie had another argument last night. Or 3am today, technically. I was woken up by their hissed shouts at what must have been the end of their discussion, so I just saw Jongie storming back into Myungsoo’s room and then Woohyun going to the bathroom and then returning to Sunggyu’s room a while after.

He was cheery as always while cooking though. We always end up taking hours to make each meal, not because of the difficultly, but because we chat. It’s nice. He’s not losing his mind to nightmares.

36, 14/05/17

I might be, though.

37, 15/05/17

It started with another one of the Woohyun-Sungjong arguments. All three of us were in the kitchen. I hoped that they wouldn’t fight in my presence, as they never have before. But surely enough, Woohyun turned the conversation towards “Yeah, thank god we still have hot water. I don’t know what I’d do without my long showers.” Seeing my judgemental look he remarked with a broad, charming grin, “What? A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Without a girl around, that is.” He made a vulgar gesture. I almost laughed but Jongie shut his book with a slam. “Don’t be like that, Sungjongie, I know you gotta do it to. And I’ve told you, I’ll help you if you help me, you get me. You look enough like a girl, I’m sure I could make it wor-“

Sungjong shoved Woohyun out of his way and stormed through the doorway back to his room.

“Don’t be like that, darlin’!” Woohyun heckled. I grudgingly gave Woohyun a hand up, sending him my most judgemental look. “He’s just so fun to tease. It’s the only entertainment I get nowadays.”

He went back to the rice and stirred it, replacing the warm water.

“What are you doing, Woohyun-hyung?” I croaked.

He put the spoon down thoughtfully. “I don’t know.” Then he turned to face me, leaning on the counter coolly.

 “Howon-ah…” He tilted his head. “Will you do it for me? Instead of Sungjongie?” He’s at manipulating people. “For hyung?” I already had an answer but I didn’t say it.

He continued, “It doesn’t have to be weird, or gay. Just a helping hand, yeah? I’ll help you too, of course…” He looked genuinely nervous.

Figuring I’d put him through enough, I replied “Fine. I’ll do it.” He visibly stopped smugness from painting his face with a grin. “Just don’t go bothering the others anymore.”

He stepped forwards, stopping a metre in front of me. I felt my face going red and I had to stop myself from fiddling with my long hair. “Now?” He asked, cheerfully, cautiously.

“Now?!” I needed to process it first… I let myself imagine it in detailed stills for a moment.

I nodded, without meeting his eyes. My mouth felt dry all of a sudden, and I resisted the urge to cover up my stubble and shaving burns. And my faded muscles. I’d need to take my clothes off, I mentally panicked.

But I trusted his now wide grin. This was Woohyun, my bandmate of nearly seven years. This was just another stage of our friendship.

He led me to his room, passing Sunggyu and Sungjong asleep on the couches. I didn’t wonder then, but I do wonder now whether he planned to ask Jongie then because Sunggyu was out. I even suspected that he had already moved his target from Jongie to me, and used Jongie as a way to get me to do it. Maybe that was the plan from the start. I mean, Jongie would never do it, especially not after being called a girl, and Woohyun must know that. I even suspected Sunggyu being in on it. Maybe he helpfully left the room for Woohyun-hyung to use it.

Well, I’m not about to ask him that so….

We stood in the doorway, still, until he released my wrist. He suddenly said, "Wait," and hurried out of the room. I was left for only around 10 seconds to wonder what he was doing, but he came back with one of Dongwoo's ty but useful solar powered camping lights we leave on the balcony.

Woohyun shut the door, quietly, and turned it on with a click. He left it on the bedside table and walked towards me, slowly, uncertainly.

I got him off, cautiously, with my hands. He asked me after if I wanted him to do me too, but I (thankfully) wasn't and told him no.

The thought of letting a bandmate do that to me sends shivers of panic down my spine.

38, 16/05/17

I had a real dream last night. Of Woohyun-hyung. It was weird but I’m already getting accustomed to it. It was kind of fun, actually. After I got used to the fact that his is just like mine (except maybe a tiny bit bigger) it wasn’t too hard to make him groan and squirm.

He kept it from being awkward in the kitchen too. Well, Yeollie was sitting there, sullenly reading a book while we made brunch so it wasn’t that hard. Hard. Haha.

I hope that I don’t have scary dreams anymore. It’d be nice if I only had dreams from now on.

39, 17/05/17

Life goes on, somehow.

I didn’t do anything with Woohyun today but he stood close behind me while I was cooking. I was strangely conscious of him and every action he made, and I admittedly blushed a lot.

40, 18/05/17

Dongwoo appeared, as if exiled, from their room for the whole of today. I missed him. We talked a lot, and I almost told him about what is going on between Woohyun and me. Speaking of, Woohyun didn’t seem too happy to see Dongwoo-hyung and he avoided us.

Then he disappeared again, into their room, at around 11pm. I wonder when I can talk to him again.

41, 19/05/17

Finally, Woohyun asked me to do it again. So I did. Again he offered to do me too, but I ran off, half-hard this time.

Sunggyu-hyung was sitting in the kitchen, staring aimlessly out of the window when I came back.

42, 20/05/17

43, 21/05/17

I somehow missed a day, oops! I think it just shows how much more busy and active I am now. The apartment is never entirely silent anymore. Jongie and Yeollie have reconnected and them and Sunggyu often visit the kitchen and hang out with Woohyun and I.

44, 22/05/17

Today while I was helping Woohyun-hyung he suddenly kissed me. It was weird. He was active and I just kind of let it happen. My heart rate picked up, a lot, anyway. He pulled away, quickly and muttered excuses about what he was used to and more. I just kept on going though.

I don't think I'd be angry if he did want to kiss me again. I don't think I'd be angry at all, in fact. I might quite like it.

45, 23/05/17

J

I exercised a little with Yeollie and Woohyun. I’m tired. Let’s sleep! J

46, 24/05/17

Woohyun handed me some scissors today and told me to trim his hair. I did it, carefully, and then threw the hair out the window. We can’t risk clogging the drains.

It doesn’t look terrible, but it’s clearly no professional haircut. I’m quite proud, actually. I even made him blush when I leaned too close to do his fringe.

I then asked him to do mine but he said no, because “I like it the way it is now.” I think it’s long and messy, nearing my shoulders at the back and tucked behind my ears at the sides. But I blushed and changed my mind.

But then Sunggyu saw the new haircut and asked who did it. I somehow ended up with a salon with four customers in one day. By Yeollie’s haircut I think I did quite well.

47, 25/05/17

Today, his face got a little too close to mine and I kissed him. He kissed back, a lot more than I expected. I left his alone for a minute and we made out, properly.

 When he was nearly done, I asked if he could help me. He nodded, pupils blown out in the dim light, and we rubbed each other off, quickly and intensely.

 When I left to do the walk of shame, I caught Sunggyu-hyung and Sungjongie break off their conversation to stare at me right up until I closed the bathroom door. I'm worried that they know - maybe we were too loud, or too obvious or we left something but then again, I feel like at least Sunggyu-hyung ought to know. He probably already does.

Whatever, I don't know, or care, really. If there's a problem they can talk to Woohyun, he's the one that initiated it. We'll sort it out.

But I'm increasingly feeling like there may be a problem - within me and Woohyun-hyung. But it’s not that we're fighting, rather, it’s the opposite.

48, 26/05/17

Infinite. What a strange team name.

49, 27/05/17

I realised today that I haven’t had a nightmare in ages. Or a dream. I miss them, just a little.

I miss everyone else too. The managers. Hojae. My friends. My cell phone. The internet. I miss candy crush, and I miss public transport and rush hour traffic too. I wonder if I’ll ever get them back.    

50, 28/05/17

Day 50! I’m not sure whether I should celebrate or mourn this.

When I went into the kitchen to make dinner Sunggyu hyung was there, which was odd, because he never goes in there. Even stranger, he was sitting there, staring off into space until I came in. Then his intense eyes stayed firmly directed at me, and my movements. I felt like I was interrupting something, for some reason, but I was too awkward to bring it up. I had to cook, so I did.

Eventually, he spoke, as though he had only just noticed my presence, which was obviously not true –  his eyes traced every movement I made.

"Hey, Howon-ah." His voice was low and still.

"Hey, hyung." My own voice sounded foreign to my ears. I wasn't quite nervous, but hyung was being weird and I didn't know how to handle it.

"How's it going?" He asked, his words were casual, but his tone focused.

The normality of the question struck me, because the situation we're in is so absurd. I gaped and searched for an answer, something witty, but not sassy. 'How's it going?' Well, we've been trapped inside an apartment for weeks, but everything's just peachy. People are dying outside and we have no contact with our families but... I realised that I could no longer just reply 'fine'.

Instead, Sunggyu chuckled. "Yeah, I don't think I could put it into words either." I gave him a tiny nervous smile as was expected of me. "I'll put this is way, how are you coping?" Suddenly I thought of Woohyun and I and for some reason every cell in my body screamed not to tell him.

I now think that this whole conversation was hyung trying to give me an out - trying to get me to confess, even if he didn't know the full story. I don't know why I couldn't tell him, even though in theory, I don't mind. I’m confused. I don’t know what Woohyun is doing to me.

-

Can’t sleep. Thinking.

51, 29/05/17

Did it again with Woohyun, kissing and all.

I know what it looks like, but I don’t know what we’re doing.

52, 30/05/17

Woohyun-hyung and I were talking in the kitchen while leisurely washing up.

Suddenly he broke the comfortable flow of meaningless conversation - "You know you don't have to always call me hyung, right?"

I knew, we've spoken about it a few times before.

"I know." I gave him a tiny smile.

He stared at me for a second before he grinned, widely. His eyes narrowed and curved, it was irresistibly charming in the clean light of day from the window. It was like staring at the sun - I had to look away. I think that image is still burned into my retinas.

"Good." He started humming the chorus of a familiar song, one that we spent days on end dancing to in cosy practice rooms together. I don't remember which one it was though, anymore.