53, 31/05/17

The fog is much lower now. It now soaks only the bottom floor above the streets. Seoul is otherwise deserted. So today I dared to go on the balcony.

The door is next to my feet where I sleep, so I crept out there early this morning before everybody else would wake up. It was pretty, and pretty crazy, to see the familiar city so deserted. I found a few landmarks (we can see quite far as we’re so high up), but the horizon is as bleak as always. I was a little shocked by how cold it was, though, considering it's nearly summer. We have spent most of spring inside this apartment. We have must have missed a lot.

This all happened because of the North finally striking. Were there other cities attacked? They must be at war. But seeing the fog sink day by day reminds me that one day (if we last that long) we can leave. Maybe somebody will even rescue us.

There’s no way we’re all alone.

Although I was tired for the rest of the day, going outside was really nice. I want to go again, but the others are still scared of the air. I’ll have to go at dawn again.

54, 01/06/17

I went outside again at dawn. I sleep so close to the window that I am woken up by the sun’s rising anyway, I used to just toss a sock over my eyes and go back to sleep. Or try to. I like waking up early. And we all hunker down in our respective beds at about sunset too, because we only have limited electricity and natural lighting to use now. There’s not much to do here except sleep, seems to be Sungyeol’s approach. But day by day I am finding myself occupied, somehow.

I played a game with Jongie and Woohyun-hyung, and then we cooked, and then Yeollie joined us and read. In the evening I found Sunggyu-hyung and we talked.

We talked about our old life as idols, with busy schedules and makeup. I miss it, though there were days when I hated it. I finally worked up the courage to confess to him that I wanted to leave the company when our contract runs out. He was pretty irate at first but he quickly realised that it doesn’t really matter anymore. The day it runs out will be June the 9th, seven years after our debut. That is in eight days. It will pass, here, in the apartment without event. I don’t think a contract really matters anymore.

55, 02/06/17

I got off with Woohyunie-hyung again today. He’s funny. I treasure him a lot.

Oh, and today I got caught.

Sitting on the balcony, that is. I must have sat there a little too long, but I didn’t hear Myungsoo getting up and leaving for the bathroom. He didn’t see me either, in his drowsy state. But he saw me when he was returning to his room. I didn’t notice until he opened the door, with his hair still sticking up in every direction possible and a pair of Yeollie’s pajamas. It was a cute image I’m sure fangirls would kill me for. He stood there and asked, “What are you doing?”

I looked down at myself and back up at him. I didn’t think I had to dignify that with an answer. Or a serious one at least. “Dancing.” I deadpanned.

That won me a tiny smile. It was a nice change from his newly cemented expression of disgust. “Come back in, it’s cold outside.” I tried to come up with an answer as to why he was in such a good mood and failed.

I did as he asked. Then he curled up on the couch and was out like a light.

I just stood there. Until I confirmed he was definitely asleep, and I got him a blanket.

56, 03/06/17

There were multiple thuds and sounds of shouting coming from Dongwoo’s room today, and I caught Jongie staring dazedly into a mirror. I didn’t disturb him, but I trimmed his nails (they grow freakishly fast) afterwards.

57, 04/06/17

Myungsoo woke up early this morning too. He joined me for a while on the balcony.

“I don’t see why you like to sit out here, Howon. It just reminds me.” He said.

I shrugged. “It’s still pretty.”

He squished his face within his palms. “I guess so.”

I nearly asked him about Dongwoo-hyung, how he was or what’s up between them but I wasn’t brave enough, and I didn’t want to disturb his tranquil mood.

He bolted away from me, though, when we heard thuds from Yeollie’s closet meaning that he woke up.

In other news, I met with Woohyun-hyung today, and Gyu-hyung was acting a little strange. On edge, maybe.

58, 05/06/17

I found out why today. Sunggyu-hyung woke up early, even before me and ‘accidentally’ woke me up by stomping his steps. We went to the kitchen.

He went straight to the point, “So, you’re getting off with Woohyun, huh.”

I stammered through it, but he seemed to want to confirm that everything was consensual and legitimate. Then he moved onto the details, “Is it like… a relationship? Or a contract? How far do you go and how often?” Eventually, after what felt like an hour of painful questioning, he seemed appeased. I asked him how he found out, and he replied “It’s obvious!” My heart dropped like a stone. “Just joking, Woohyun told me.” He smiled the smile where his eyes fully close into lines.

“But Howonie… it’s a contract, right? A favour for hyung?” I nodded. “Then will you do it for hyung, too?” I can’t believe I didn’t realise that that was what this conversation was leading up to.

I tore my eyes away from him and instead stared at the tiles on the floor, processing. How would Woohyun react? But I couldn’t say no. Would Woohyun even have to know?

Sunggyu-hyung made up my mind for me. He kissed me against the counter, where Woohyun never had. He also kissed differently to Woohyun - carefully regulating a tempo.

He finally stepped back, slowly re-opening his intense eyes. “Please?”

“Ye- Of- Okay, hyung.” I stammered.

He smiled. “Not now, but later.” I nodded automatically and he kissed me again.

I wonder when he will call for me.

59, 06/06/17

Not today. Woohyun however, did, in his ignorance. Sunggyu-hyung smirked as we passed him by. It made me think of the technicalities - we use their room, so what kind of excuse was Woohyun-hyung using to kick him out? It’s impossible to cross the apartment without somebody noticing, and if you listen carefully, you can pick out exactly were the footsteps are coming and going from no matter where you are. And we know the sounds of each other’s steps - sometimes I deliberately walk awkwardly to sound like someone else. The others must know, or at least suspect, is what I mean. Woohyun-hyung even confessed to Sunggyu, probably because it became impossible to use the room without questions.

Anyway, still no cue from Sunggyu-hyung.

60, 07/06/17

Finally. He beckoned me over after Woohyun left for a shower. He always takes ages, and shaves afterwards, so I knew we’d have plenty of time.

Sunggyu-hyung made no motion to get a light, like Woohyun-hyung does, but he shut and locked the door solidly, and I felt, rather than saw him move into my personal space like he owned it. He does.

61, 08/06/17

This morning, Myungsoo woke up but he didn’t join me. I heard him mutter ‘ing madman’ though.

He’s wrong, I can say now. I’m sane. As sane as I’ve ever been. There was a time earlier on when I was losing it but I have ‘it’, whatever it may be, back now. He’s the one who is acting bipolar. him.

62, 09/06/17

Woohyun again today. I don’t know why I feel guilty but I can’t stop.

63, 10/06/17

Sunggyu-hyung, like Woohyun-hyung, gets in a good mood after …. After Sunggyu-hyung and I did it in the bathroom, he told me something. "Howonie, do you remember when I got mad because someone was snacking?"

"Yeah. How could I forget?" I turned wary.

He seemed a little pleased with himself. "I know who it was. I knew who it was at the time even."

"Then why did you interrogate all of us? You nearly fought with Woohyun!" I was very confused, and a little frustrated.

"You see, Howon-ah, this is why I'm the leader. First, I wanted to see if they would confess, then I'd go lighter on them. But I knew that the others might also consider stealing, so I had to show them how unacceptable it was." He was proud, which ticked me off.

I had nothing to reply, so I let the conversation pause and looked him in the eyes. There was pride there, but that was all, the rest was masked. I didn't quite trust him.

"Who was it? How did you know?" I didn't bother hiding my suspicion from him, as I knew he'd see through it anyway.

"It was Myungsoo. He signed it out of the inventory pretending to be one of us but I recognised his handwriting."

I didn't know he had it in him. Well, he is an actor, and he has been acting oddly. "Did you talk to him?"

"Yeah. He won't do it again." He smiled a little. "Don't worry, Howonie. Hyung's got this." He ruffled my hair a little and left first, as we arranged. We always leave a few minutes apart to avoid suspicion (he’s much more careful than Woohyun), and then I was alone, left with only my thoughts and doubts.

Later, while I was signing off the ingredients for dinner, I was irresistibly struck by Sunggyu-hyung's claim about Myungsoo's handwriting. It's not that I don't trust hyung, but I wanted to see it for myself.

So I did, I casually turned back the page, to avoid suspicion from Woohyun, who was sitting across the small room. I found it, at the very top of the page, 12 packs of ramen taken in one go, which was obviously irregular. But no matter how hard I looked, it just looked like Sunggyu-hyung's writing, which was odd, because it should only be Woohyun's and mine. Maybe I'm just bad at recognising Myungsoo's handwriting, because we're not close. Or maybe Sunggyu signed out 12 packs himself, just so he could scare us with them. How easy would it be to grab a ramen packet out of a bin, and tell me it was Myungsoo because he knows I don't talk to him...

Woohyun's voice interrupted my thoughts and I had to tear my eyes away from the sheet. Acting normal was hard but I think I fooled him. I won't tell him my suspicions. I'll take them to the grave.

64, 11/06/17

Call me crazy (Myungsoo) but I think I heard something while I was on the balcony today. A megaphone and speech, but I couldn’t make out the words. I might be hallucinating it but something tells me that it is real. Strangely enough, I don’t think I feel hopeful, but that is probably just me suppressing it, because I don’t want to be disappointed. I didn’t tell the others, but if I hear it again, I promise, I will.

65, 12/06/17

I opened Howon’s high-quality hairdressers again today. Is that a good name? I like it. Woohyun says that it’s stupid and it should be more like ‘Howonie’s hideous haircuts’ but I threatened to give him a bald patch so he shut up. I would say I’m not half bad, now. Sunggyu-hyung even offered me an extra snack because of my good work. Speaking of, he says he’s gonna scold Myungsoo and Dongwoo for not doing their job of keeping this place clean. It’s very dusty, Yeollie is sneezing a lot, but I don’t want to be in the room when Myungsoo gets angry (if he gets angry, he rarely does at Sunggyu but he’s weird now).

But speaking of food, everyone is thin now. I’d say we have around half of what we brought here left, just by volume, but what we use per day does vary and I haven't counted properly or anything.

Starving to death is my worst fear.

66, 13/06/17

Today, both Sunggyu and Woohyun called for me. It’s so strange. I think that maybe getting this new aspect of a relationship with Sunggyu is more expected than Woohyun.

Sunggyu-hyung and I have a deeper level of understanding of each other than anybody else in Infinite, I think. We certainly didn’t immediately hit it off, in fact, we fought and argued with each other from practically straight after meeting until debut. And we still aren’t an obvious type of ‘friends’ who buy each other presents and go shopping together or whatever, but what linked us was not conversations or meals or anything. It was who we were back then.

I'm a firm believer in that what you go through shapes who you are, and this is pretty evident in hyung and I. We both struggled with our fathers, money, and our dreams to become musicians, culminating in being kicked out. He's the only one who knows the splendid details of my childhood -  my father's rules, his words, his fists and his baseball bat. And I'm the only one to know the poverty he lived in, the ache seeing his noona suffer, and the weight of fending for himself in Seoul so young.

We connected with each other, probably because we had no-one else.

All this said, perhaps we should have turned out similar people. But we really haven't. Where hyung is our leader, decisive and self-assured, I just follow his commands and know nothing else, and I'd rather let people talk to me, rather than telling them what to do. Honestly, we're actually polar opposites, in every way, but I think this is the real result of the perfect synchronicity between two people - we fill in each other's gaps. Like yin and yang, like... bottles of water and the air that completes it that we leave in the practice room.

But I have to wonder - maybe it's not as equal as I say it is. It feels like hyung is the one that makes the calls, and I'm the one to shift and fill in his gaps. Recently, where he's taken the position of a distant, confident leader, I've filled in with talking and managing individual people - like Yeollie and Jongie, although it's not what I would have done before. And the way he commanded me today, and commands me in regular life - he might listen to me but there is no doubt that Sunggyu is the one in control. Maybe this is just another cog in our dichotomy - if one commands, one must be commanded. In some strange way, I even feel a little... owned, sometimes.

But this dichotomy has always been here - and Infinite, as a group of friends, rather than idols, was built upon it. Thus, the others shift according to it.

This is why the whole Woohyun and Sunggyu business is weird, but in an expected way. I suppose it boils down to this - I do what Sunggyu-hyung wants, and hyung wants me to do it with both of them. The weird thing was starting with Woohyun first - Sunggyu wouldn't have let him if he wasn't happy with it. Somehow, because of the bone-deep way I know him, I can tell that it was him who suggested asking Jongie, knowing I would step in, so he could kill two birds with one stone - Woohyun's annoying complaints, and test how I felt about doing it for him, too.

But I was a little surprised he's not possessive of me. That's not meant to sound vain but I know him - he is a possessive person (Seo Inguk - he's not happy with my friendships out of the group). He must think of both me and Woohyun as his, and he's just using us again, only in a new, previously forbidden realm - the ual.

The other strange thing is - if Woohyun and him are both , why can't they just sort it out between themselves? Why bring me into it?

I guess I don't know every single thought of his. But he doesn't know every thought of mine either - he was testing his boundaries with me, seeing how far I'd go with him and Woohyun, if I'd agree at all.

The answer is clear to me - I'd do whatever he asks of me. Even if I haven't done it before, even if I think it's stupid, even if it kills me.

Why? For the pat on my back afterwards, and if I'm lucky, the smile and the compliment. The 'you did well today, Howon-ah' after a concert, or the 'fair point, Howonie' in a meeting, in front of everyone, or even the 'thank you, Howon' after I hand him a water bottle in the practice room, or I him off in his dark bedroom. It matters a lot to me, has since I bared my childhood and thus my soul to him seven years ago.

Then I came to care for Infinite, our members, our name, out music, and so did hyung. While it might have seemed like our little circle had grown a whole lot bigger, it didn't. We just built a bigger circle on top of our foundation. And while it may seem like I spend more time with Jongie and Dongwoo, and he spends more time with Myungsoo and Woohyun, it changes nothing. If anything it proves that our little circle doesn't need time together to bind us.

Yes, I care for the members a lot. But so does Sunggyu, and I trust him to make every call with only Infinite in his mind, like I want. I do it for him. Every time.

67, 14/06/17

68, 15/06/17

I didn’t write yesterday because I fell asleep in Yeollie’s closet with him. I’m kind of proud - I’m busy now, I have an active lifestyle, sometimes I even do exercise with Woohyun and Yeollie, who refuse to entirely lose their hard-earned muscles. Between Sunggyu and Woohyun, I never need to get myself off. I get restful nights and don’t remember my dreams or nightmares. I read and talk with Jongie and Yeollie about books (although they both have taste). They rely on me - for food, haircuts, s, nail clipping and sassy humour (or so I like to think). In some ways we’re closer than ever before.

Excluding Dongwoo-hyung and Myungsoo, of course.

69, 16/06/17

I got with Woohyun today. I don’t know why I feel the need to write who I was with each day in here. I’m going to stop now, it makes me feel bad and it’s embarrassing.

Again, on the balcony I swear I heard something. It might have just been Dongwoo snoring though. I’m joking, but actually Seoul isn’t silent, when you really listen. There are still a few birds tweeting away - I’m not sure if I hadn’t noticed them earlier or if they really had left and came back. Although I haven’t seen or heard any animals like dogs on the ground I’m happy to see that at least some of them lived.

70, 17/06/17

I my phone again today, checking for signal. There was none, of course. I miss my friends and Hojae.

71, 18/06/17

Our seventh anniversary passed by nine days ago and I forgot. I don’t think anyone even noticed. Oh well.

72, 19/06/17

Today he called me his seven-year itch. Sunggyu-hyung, that is.

When he stood up to put his shirt back on, he told me “You’ve gotten really damn good at this now.”

"Tell me something I don't know." I smirked.

"I've wanted to have with you for seven years." That was indeed something I didn't know. I had nothing to say. "I don't think that about other guys - I'm not gay. Being around you didn't irresistibly . I just wondered what it'd be like."

He confessed, casually. "You were always kind of special, different. I don't exactly see you as a man. And seeing you dance, and act as Kang Junhee, and around the others, sometimes, it's not like a man. Not a woman either though." He huffed, a little frustrated that he couldn't put it into words quite right. "I just... always wanted to try it. I think I get why now, though." It was pitch black, I couldn't read his face. "You're just y to me, Howon-ah."

My heart was somehow warmed, despite his odd confessions about how he saw my uality. It was a compliment - I'm special, I'm y.

I don't want to ever give up that position in hyung's heart.

73, 20/06/17

There was definitely some kind of noise - an announcement of a megaphone this morning, so I woke up Woohyun and Sunggyu. They sleep separately on opposite sides of the bed. I don’t know why I feel comforted by that fact.

They sat with me and listened on the balcony, and agreed with me. I am weirdly delighted by the confirmation that it was not just a hallucination. Then Sungyeol got up at exactly the wrong time and saw us perched outside so hyung called a group meeting and we told everyone.

Dongwoo (who I haven’t seen in so long considering we live separated by a thin wall) looked hopeful whilst Myungsoo seemed extremely skeptical. “There’s no way that they are rescuers. They would have come earlier.” He said, arms crossed. “It must be the war. It could be the enemy.” Sunggyu-hyung agreed and told us to wait and see, and told me, Jongie and Yeollie to take shifts looking out.

74, 21/06/17

We have started a rota where I watch in the morning (4am-12pm), Jongie the afternoon (12pm-8pm) and Yeollie sleeps during the day and watches through the night (8pm-4am). We have to be quiet during the day, so Yeollie can sleep, and we’re all on edge. You can now hear it from within the apartment, but we only have guesses as to what exactly the announcement is saying. I know neither Sunggyu nor Woohyun will call me until this is resolved. I am definitely not disappointed by this fact.

75, 22/06/17

It was a slightly accented female voice, repeating ‘Citizens of Seoul, please make yourselves known, do not exit your homes.’ It blared, seemingly metres away for the whole afternoon. We all sat, waiting, in the main room, looking out of the window. Sunggyu-hyung and Sungyeol nearly argued - Sungyeol wanted us to show ourselves immediately - ‘this is probably our only chance at rescue!’ but Sunggyu-hyung was more convinced by Myungsoo. It could be anybody, we agreed to wait and see when they did turn up our street. When the sound seemed so near I could feel it in the walls, we got in place in the main room, hidden by sofas and lying on the floor, to wait and see who it was.

Finally, a single large black car began to slowly drive up the road. We frantically whispered to each other, Sungjong forcibly stopped Yeollie from leaping up, but none of us could see a flag, or a logo through the fog that remained. And we all shut up when Sunggyu-hyung hissed “If they were really rescuers, why would they bring a single ing car you morons!”. They stopped, up the road, and my blood ran cold. What if they saw us? What if they had seen me, sitting on the balcony one morning? .

We could make out three men in military gear and large gas masks over their faces stepping out of the car, but they headed to the opposite side of the road. It was only then that Jongie caught sight of a man and a woman waving their arms in a window of the bottom floor of an office building.

We sat in tense anticipation for people to emerge, but two minutes later, two gunshots rang out over the announcement. Three people left that house, and they drove on past us. We exhaled as one.

Everybody was shaken in the meeting which followed. Seoul is clearly under enemy control - probably North Korean. I couldn’t help checking the food store once more this evening. We discussed going into the rest of the apartment complex but Sunggyu-hyung says, with good reason, that we can’t go there as the gas is probably trapped in there.

I have never been claustrophobic, but our prospects have never looked so bleak. I would rather be anywhere but here (but I wouldn’t rather be with anyone else).

76, 23/06/17 

I know I said I wouldn’t write about this again, but Woohyun called me again today, and we did it slowly and gently, like lovers would. But we’re not.

I was just sitting here, thinking of what else to write when Dongwoo-hyung suddenly snored on the couch. I didn’t even realise he was here. I wouldn’t have written in this diary if I knew. The others must not find it, it’s far too revealing. The thought terrifies me.

77, 24/06/17

Yeollie seems really sad again recently. Looks like he has been most affected by us losing our hope of rescue.

Sunggyu-hyung took Woohyun and I aside (the combination was extremely awkward, at least for me) and told us to start cooking less and saving more. I’m not sure how that’s possible, or how that can possibly be enough - they look so thin already, but I agree, we need to.

78, 25/06/17

After a 'chat' with Woohyun I went to have a shower, but upon testing the door, I found it locked. Myungsoo's voice floated out, "I'm almost done" so I waited in the corridor.

He opened the door and the second he saw me, his handsome face soured even more than usual. He pushed past me with a sound of disgust, leaving me confused and clueless as to why.

I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Myungsoo had left Dongwoo’s camping light on so I immediately saw the problem - my hair was a mess, my lips bruised red and worst of all, a large hickey was reddening, proudly on my neck. No wonder he was disgusted - but his problem with me started a long time ago, and I still don't know what it is.

He pisses me off, recently. With his ty know-it-all attitude and constant sour expression and stealing Dongwoo-hyung for himself. No one else has ever singled me out as their sole target for aggression. I don’t know what to do with him.