12, 20/04/17

It’s dark in Sunggyu and Woohyun’s room particularly – there are no windows in there, and the bathroom too, so we have to leave the doors open and the light from the lounge filters through. At least between us we have plenty of batteries for torches, and for the cute little glowing green figure Jongie brought, and even better, three solar powered camping lights I think from Dongwoo-hyung. The only problem is putting them outside so they can charge – they have to go through the balcony door, which I hate to open.

The food will be difficult now, for Woohyun and me, but for now we still have bowls everywhere full of cold rice and ramen. It’s gross, but I think we’ll use it up before it goes off.

The hot water is still running, for now.

It feels like we’re really busy, even though there’s nothing to do. It’s weird. I don’t know how to describe it.

When I went into Myungsoo’s room to give them food today it stank – we haven’t opened that window. He smelt bad – knowing him, he hasn’t showered since we got here. I jokingly told him and he glared at me. Dongwoo-hyung agreed with me, and as I left they started an argument.

Jongie and Namu-hyung share the kitchen most of the time, but they aren’t friendly. They sit in silence, working or reading, and I heard them shouting today. Gyu-hyung stays in his dark room with no light. He’s probably sleeping all day and then quietly talking with me at night. He just left – we talked about practical things in hushed voices – how to deal with no electricity, how to deal with the others struggling and arguing.

There is no right answer, I’m sure.

Good night.

13, 21/04/17

It’s morning but I wanted to write this. I had sleep paralysis again last night, for the first time since I was busy filming two dramas at once back in spring. I get it worst when I’m busy with work – when we promote as Infinite – I had it every night during our ‘The Eye’ comeback.

It started the same as always, a presence at the foot of my bed, or in this case, by my feet, on the floor. They climb up, over you, nearer and nearer, but today, as their face passed over my knees, it started screaming. Ear-splitting screaming. And I couldn’t move an inch – my arms get nailed to my sides, legs pinned to the floor so I couldn’t kick it off, and jaw firmly held shut – I couldn’t even scream back. You can only watch it inch closer, and closer, and closer, in the grainy darkness, until it’s ready to kill you. Then you wake up.

It used to reach the point where no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t sleep, until I passed out from exhaustion, but the screaming was new. But the screaming was new. It didn’t even look like it was screaming, and I definitely wasn’t screaming, I couldn’t even feel myself breathe, but my ears were filled with it. They still ring with it now.

It’s pretty clear where the inspiration for the screams comes from, but it’s useless analysing who is the monster climbing towards me in the dream. It’s nobody – just an embodiment of my fear. That’s what the internet says. I’m not seeing a therapist about it.

It’s not going to go away soon, that’s clear. But I don’t want the others to find out – it started straight after I moved out of the dorm so they have no idea. I mentioned to Woohyun when he was bothering me that I was having bad dreams but that’s it, and now they don’t need anything else to worry about. But somehow, I feel like telling somebody would lessen the burden of silence, when it starts taking over my waking hours too. I can already feel it happening again.

Honestly there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll try and have a positive attitude but really… That can’t fix anything. I’ve tried.

-

I saw Myungsoo storm into the bathroom today, and then I heard the shower turn on. I’m glad.

Everyone else showers at least once a day – there’s not much else to do.

Woohyun was doing push-ups in the lounge again today. He invited me to exercise with him but I declined. I feel like I have no energy anymore.

Sunggyu-hyung and Sungyeollie keep themselves alone in their dark rooms. I don’t know why.

Only Myungsoo and Dongwoo-hyung stay in each other’s company for long periods of time, but they don’t talk, I would hear it. They do argue sometimes though.

That’s not really true, Jongie stays on the couch most of the day, but we don’t talk either. We started a game of cards today, but there was no mood, so we stopped after one round.

It’s weird, but I’m getting used to it. It’s weird that I’m getting used to it.

-

I’ve already had one episode tonight – my watch says it’s only 11:30.

14, 22/04/17

I had three of the same nightmare last night. I sleep for three hours and then I have another one, and I wake up feeling more tired than before. I give up. It’s 7am, I might as well get up and shower.

-

There’s nothing to do, nobody else is awake.

-

I noticed something weird today – one box of crackers was open and missing a few packs. I checked a few times over with the inventory lists and I can confirm neither Woohyun-hyung nor I used them for meals. I’m not going to bring it up to Sunggyu-hyung, I think. He either doesn’t know, or gave permission for someone else to have them. I know that if I tell him they’re missing, he’ll either be angry at whoever took them without asking, or be proud of me for noticing. I don’t want to risk his explosive anger so I won’t do it though.

I have a suspicion it was either Woohyun or Sungjong because they’re the ones that spend time in there. And Jongie likes crackers, and Woohyun doesn’t. But, someone else could have snuck in when I was asleep, and anyone would like crackers if they’re that hungry. I’m craving them now thinking about them.

Woohyun and Sungjong were arguing again today, over Woohyun complaining how he wasn’t getting any anymore, and then Woohyun went and argued with Sunggyu. Myungsoo and Dongwoo alternate between secretive whispers and shouting at each other. At least Yeollie isn’t arguing with anyone. He came and sat with me today. We pretended and had a normal conversation but his smile strained at the edges and my jokes fell even flatter than usual. I’m glad he’s trying though.

I have so much on my mind. The nightmares, the group’s straining relationships, the food thief, the fog, the water, the outside world, my family… There has been no more smoke but we’re probably at war, and Hojae is probably in the middle of it.

It’s 12pm. There’s not really enough light coming through the window to write. I’ll try sleeping.

15, 23/04/17

Only two sessions last night.

I think I saw something move in the fog today, a shadow, and then screams, and harsh coughing was audible now the window is open. Jongie was sitting, reading at the time. He looked sick after hearing it, I didn’t comment on it.

Today was the same as always otherwise, with the addition of a constant ache in my stomach that I recognise as the same as I have before concerts. Anxiety.

I saw something move out of the window today, a dark blur. Then I was frightened by the sound of my own heartbeat. This happens sometimes when I get really bad nightmares. I hate the irrationality of it all, because I know there’s nothing there.

What I did find though, was a small, clear plastic packet in the kitchen bin. A cracker packet. Then I found three more, and then I checked and saw two more were missing from the box. Sunggyu-hyung is clearly not doing his self-appointed inventory job daily, because he would have noticed. I wonder if the criminal knew that when hyung eventually does check, we would all hunt them out. The kitchen opens straight up to a hallway so they couldn’t have eaten them in there, but instead in their own room, making Sunggyu and Sungyeol likely suspects. But there’s no way Sunggyu-hyung would break his own rules, so it can’t be him, and I’d probably hear Yeollie rustling – his door is thin. If Woohyun did it, he could have checked them off on the inventory, and I doubt two people were in on it, and especially not the most obedient ones, so that rules out Myungsoo and Dongwoo. On second thoughts, anyone could have done it in the bathroom, maybe even run the tap or shower to cover up the sound.

I have no idea. Suspicion and paranoia is not going to help, but I can’t ask anyone, because Sunggyu could find out and then the thief would be in big trouble, and we really don’t need another argument right now. I will keep an eye out for who is going into the kitchen though.

I’m tired again, even though I did nothing today. It’s not the same tiredness as when I’ve done a good day of dance practice or exercise or work though. It’s a mental exhaustion, I suppose. I don’t know. I want to sleep peacefully and quietly, but I know that’s not going to happen.

16, 24/04/17

Sungjong woke me up before the monster could get me. He said I was screaming, and Myungsoo was getting annoyed so he told him to wake me up. He said I’d been screaming the last three nights, for a minute or two, about three hours apart each time. I had no ing idea I screamed when I had the dreams! He went back to his room, still half asleep, and I saw Sunggyu-hyung watching from his doorway. I tried to say ‘I’m sorry, hyung’ but the words couldn’t come out. He eventually went back to bed.

I had no idea I screamed when the screaming in the dream happened. If I screamed anything like the screaming in my dreams sounds, I was very sorry to the members. I was very sorry to them anyway – I must have been waking them all up every time it happened. Well, Dongwoo could probably sleep right through it, but the others must have woken up. I feel really guilty, and sorry, and ty in general. I hate the ing dreams, I wish I could stop having them more than ever. I hate that I’m so ing weak that they prey on me when I hate them so much.

Most of all, I hate that they’re not caused by the outside, like everyone else’s worries are. They’re caused by my worries for us, in here. I’m selfish for having these worries, and I’m even more selfish for forcing them on everyone else when I wake them up, screaming.

it, I’m going back to sleep.

-

I couldn’t go back to sleep. 6am now.

-

Sunggyu-hyung was the first to try and talk to me. He said he was sending Jongie in to sleep in the lounge too, on the sofa, and he’d wake me up as soon as I started screaming. I told him, awkwardly, that I had no idea, and I was sorry, and I still feel like those words weren’t right, or enough. He looked at me with his dark, empty eyes like I was a weakness, a problem, and tried to solve me. I hate that I’m a burden to them. I hate that hating anything only makes the nightmares worse.

The others didn’t bring it up. Myungsoo looked pissed at me when I gave him dinner, and Dongwoo-hyung looked at me with pity. I felt so uncomfortable.

Then Jongie came and spoke to me, at about 6pm, sitting right next to me on my makeshift bed like no-one has before. He whispered to me that he has nightmares too, like it was some kind of unholy confession. It probably was one. I didn’t tell him the contents of my nightmares, but I told him ‘thank you, for waking me up’, like it was another vitally secret confession back.

I don’t really want to sleep anymore, but my eyelids feel heavier than the weight of the world right now, so I have to try, and trust that Jongie will wake me up.

-

Before I could sleep at all, I heard Jongie get up. Then I heard him head to the kitchen. Then the sound of plastic crackling. Then he went to the bathroom and closed, then locked the door.

I lay there, slowly waking up, and by the time I heard him unlock the door, I got up. First, he went into the kitchen and opened the bin, and as he walked down the corridor, I met him, and silently dragged him back into the bathroom.

It was dark for a second, then I found his little green light thing and turned it on. He looked guilty, and surprised, his big eyes wider than ever. Then he looked upset, and teared up. I felt guilty for making him so uncomfortable. “You were the one eating the crackers.”

He, looked surprised again. “You knew? But you didn’t tell Sunggyu-hyung…”

“I didn’t want anybody to get in trouble.” I gave him as stern a look as I could manage. “You shouldn’t have snuck them away. You could have asked hyung if you were hungry.” Of course he felt hungry, stupid Howon. You’ve been feeding them barely anything, and Jongie was thin to begin with. It was hard to see, but the tears running down his face were visible.

“I’m sorry, hyung! But please, please, please, don’t tell Sunggyu-hyung. He’ll kill me.” He would definitely be angry, but he wouldn’t kill him. It was worrying though, that I had to seriously think about that. He would, however, be disappointed, and be even more disappointed in me if he found out I didn’t tell him. I understood Jongie’s fear of his disappointment and felt even guiltier. I was silent as I thought. “Please, please, hyung. You can keep my next few portions. I’ll do anything.”

“Stop, Jongie. I get it, you need the food. You’re still a growing kid, and skinny as sticks.” I was a little envious of that. “I won’t tell him. But you mustn’t do it again.” I made a show of labouring over a decision, “Look, I’ll increase your portions, just don’t tell hyung.”

Those big eyes again, now with a trace of hope. I couldn’t disappoint him – not when our collected, independent Jongie shows his weak side. “Really, hyung? You can do that?”

“Yeah. He won’t notice if I sneak a little more.” It was a lie, or at least a risk not worth taking. There was no way I was taking more food out of the inventory. Hyung had already set strict limits on how much to use each day – and we only got two meals, mine and Woohyun-hyung’s. There would be no sneaking food, except if it was from my own plate to Jongie’s.

I got him to calm down, and sent him back to bed.

I can’t sleep again. My stomach is growling as if it’s mourning.

17, 25/04/17

Jongie only had to wake me up once, at about 4am. I only slept from around 1am until then. I feel ty – there’s physical exhaustion there too. I think I’m getting sick. I keep on sneezing. But thankfully I’m not coughing. Jongie, however, was whimpering and tossing and turning sometimes – he wasn’t lying about his nightmares to make me feel better. I had to watch him, unable to sleep.

To cover up Jongie’s crime, today I gave the remaining three packs of crackers in the box to Sunggyu-hyung, Woohyun-hyung and Yeollie, then I checked it off on the inventory. I gave them to Gyu and Namu because they’re the ones that might see it checked off on the inventory but not remember eating them, which would cause a fuss. Gyu-hyung told me off for using them although they have a long expiration date. This is why I gave some to Yeollie – he probably heard us from his room. I pray Myungsoo and Dongwoo didn’t hear, and I pray that they won’t bring up today’s menu to the other hyungs, even though the chance that they will is miniscule.

Parting with my food was harder than I had expected. I gave him only about a third of my portion, but a third of an already tiny bowl of rice was difficult. He looked grateful though, so it was worth it. I didn’t show him my bowl.

The fog is much lower now – the top of the streetlamps, although permanently turned off, are just visible, but the ground is still far obscured. I think it’s slowing in its descent, which worries me. I was kind of expecting that it would fade away in a couple of weeks and then we could just walk out of here. It’s clear that isn’t happening anytime soon.

I’m also seeing more blurs, smudges at the edge of my vision that make me turn my head so fast I get whiplash. My glasses flew right off my face once. I keep on cleaning them, claiming the blurs are just the glasses, but I know they’re not. The lenses are compulsively, completely clear now. And I’m tired – my eyes itch and twitch. I didn’t look at them in the mirror because it’s too dark but I know that they’ll be bloodshot.

The others, well, Woohyun and Sungyeol, look at me with pity – I must look like a mess, screaming at night and sleepwalking during the day. Yeollie tried to comfort me again but I was too awkward. I hate that I can never express my feelings. I should talk to Jongie or someone but my clumsy mouth stops me. Or maybe it’s the traces of my father’s fists. At least I can write it.

-

Headache. Feels like my temples are crushing my brain from the outside.

-

18, 26/04/17

I fell asleep, or passed out, or whatever, eventually. Didn’t wake up screaming until 5am. I feel a little bit better now.

-

I hate that I have to live like this – a victim to my own mind, and no help to my struggling friends. They’re all still arguing. We tried to play cards again today, Sungjong, Woohyun-hyung and Sunggyu-hyung, but they started arguing within minutes. It got too loud, so I stormed off to the bathroom. The thud of the door shut them up.

I spent a few minutes calming down in the pitch black, but I didn’t cry. I shouldn’t feel proud about that. Actually, I haven’t cried since I got here. And I can’t even remember the time I cried before that. As I opened the door the light revealed one of Dongwoo’s camping lights someone had thoughtlessly left in there. We’re supposed to leave them outside on charge when we’re not using them. But before I put it back, I closed the door and the light, too tempted to look in the mirror.

I looked terrible. Awful. Nothing like an idol. My eyes red and sore, skin sickly pale, hair an utter mess, a few spots breaking out again, and stubble messily growing everywhere. The others (except Jongie) all have stubble to various degrees, but I just couldn’t stand mine, so I quickly, messily shaved it off, with just a smidgen of cream and a manual razor. I got a few nicks, but I felt a little better. Then I ran some boiling water and used a flannel to rub it into my face. It hurt and my instincts told me not to, but I felt better afterwards – like my old, ugly skin was burnt off. I felt more like an idol – who I used to be.

I went back to my spot in the lounge. They had all left by then. I put my head in my arms and fell asleep.

Sunggyu-hyung woke me at around 6pm, asking for dinner. I was already two hours late, so I felt guilty and got up, feeling groggy again, though I had slept for almost three hours more.

I hate that sleep has forcibly become my number one concern. I hate that I’m so weak I let it happen. And I keep on ing sneezing.

19, 27/04/17

Last night Jongie woke me up with his thrashing, and murmuring. I didn’t wake him up – he woke up by himself before I could pluck up the courage to do it for him. Then he hurried over to my bed, and I had to pretend to be woken up by him. I felt like he wouldn’t believe my acting but he didn’t comment. He was probably too shaken up for that.

He told me, trembling, about his nightmare.

“It starts with a woman, in the street. She runs out of one of the places down the road to the right, into the mist, and looks around. She’s coughing, choking as she does it. Then she looks up here, and sees me through the window, looking at her. Our eyes meet, then she runs and I can’t see her, taken away by the fog.

“Then I hear footsteps. Coughing nearby. The footsteps are replaced by banging on the door. And screaming, and shouting, interrupted with coughing, choking. ‘Let me in!’, ‘Help me!’, and ‘I know you’re in there, kid! I saw you!’. Sunggyu-hyung comes out of his room and shakes his head. I can’t help but whimper… I want to respond but I mustn’t. You come over and put your hand over my mouth, so I can’t say anything even if I wanted to. Sungyeol-hyung and Woohyun-hyung have to hold the door, because she could break it, and let the gas in and then we’d all die. You put your hands over my ears, so I can’t hear her instead. I feel bad because you can still hear it. Finally, she stops. She chokes one more time, and then it’s over.

“Sometimes I recognise her voice as mum’s. Sometimes it’s my noona’s. I hate it. I know it’s not real but…”

Our strong, precious maknae sobbed in my arms. I led him back to his couch between his broken murmurs. I put his head on my lap and awkwardly shushed him a little, running my hands through his hair like I did for Sungyeol back when this all began. He just kept on sobbing. Eventually he cried himself back to sleep.

He woke up an hour or so later, at around 5am, when it starts getting light. I couldn’t sleep sitting up like that anyway, so I watched the window. When his eyes opened, he didn’t move off me, just grabbed one of my hands that was carding through his hair again. He held it up, looked at it.

“I didn’t notice before, hyung, you have such nice hands. They’re pretty.”

“No, they’re not.” I felt calm – glad he hadn’t decided to break the tranquillity of the dawn I had witnessed.

“They are. Cute, little, squishy, soft.” He pinched my palm for emphasis. “Not like mine. Mine are veiny, like grandma hands. And too big, and bony.”

His hands were clearly bigger than mine. It felt a tiny bit weird, like it should be the other way around. I’m the hyung, the cool one, and he’s our maknae Jongie, our cute baby maknae Jongie. But that wasn’t the real him, and nor was that the real me. He’s strong, our Jongie.

“Nah.” I hold one of his and let it drop to his chest. “They’re just right.”

He smiled a little, drowsily, and let his eyes slide shut again.

It took everything I had not to spring away from him as soon as I heard movement in the other room. Woohyun-hyung opened his door to let the light in and saw me over the other couch. He didn’t see Jongie. He yawned, “Hey, Howon-ah.”

I couldn’t help but smile back at him, although it wasn’t like me, and cheerfully say back, “Good morning, Woohyun-hyung.” He looked a little surprised, but then a huge smile grew on his handsome face. He waved and went back in.

Jongie stirred again, and sat up, groaning a little. “Hey, hyung. Your lap’s not that comfy you know. Urgh, my neck hurts.” He was clearly joking.

“Fine then, next time you come crying to me I’ll leave you a damn pillow and be done with you.” My smile wouldn’t disappear. I didn’t even feel tired anymore, though I barely slept.

Our pretty Jongie was back, “Nooo, hyung.” Complete with aegyo.

The tranquillity was infectious and spread around the apartment easily. Jongie, Yeollie and I played a card game and it was fun. Really, just fun. No pressure. They teased me about my hands, and I wanted to hug them, but I was too shy. They hugged me instead. It felt a little like coming home.

I know that when I sleep tonight, I won’t have nightmares.

20, 28/04/17

I was right, and better, my eyes don’t feel like they’re falling out of my head anymore. Even my cold has lessened.

Everything is better, really. Myungsoo still glares at me but there’s no weight to it. Sunggyu-hyung came up to me and said “You didn’t scream at all last night, I’m glad.” And generously gave me one of his charming smiles. Woohyun was even still in a good mood and was loud and rambunctious when we played cards, all seven of us. I even heard Dongwoo-hyung’s familiar laugh again, and it made me realise just how much I missed it.

Then at around midday I realised it’s Sunggyu-hyung’s birthday, and told him – he had actually not realised. He doesn’t keep track of the days, or have a handy watch with the date on like I do. So, we had a little party, no cake – but we made do. It was really good, fun. We played like the old days. We only broke for the night at around 11pm, and can still hear Woohyun and Sunggyu-hyung talking.

I think Jongie has my cold, haha, but I don’t know where I got it from. I don’t know if I got it from someone or how these things work, but I moved on from it quickly so it won’t be a problem. He’s sleeping soundly right now.

I hope every day can be as easy as this. Like seven years ago.

21, 29/04/17

The hag didn’t visit in my dreams again, but Jongie’s sneezing did wake me up a few times. I slipped him an extra one of Sunggyu-hyung’s vitamins – he has plenty – and gave him some tissues. Tissues will be one of the things we run out of quickly.

I don’t know what we’ll use in the bathroom after that. Cloths, and clean them? Just shower?

And toothpaste. We’ll run out of toothpaste at one point. I think we’re already half way through what we brought. To be fair, it wasn’t exactly one of our priorities, but maybe it should have been. An idol needs his teeth to look nice after all. We’ll need them when we get out.

We’re not festive like yesterday, but calm. It’s quiet. Calm conversations and quiet actions between people who were arguing, shouting, fighting two days ago, even though there was no reconciliation. It’s pretty clear how the mood is so easily affected and spread around the apartment through the web of members. It’s the same as it used to work, back in the dorm, and the structure of the web has barely changed at all.

It makes me think – what has changed permanently? Can any change be permanent?

The only change that comes to mind that is permanent is death. But I feel like we’re safe from that, here in Yeollie’s apartment.

22, 30/04/17

Jongie is pretty sick. Sicker than I was. He’s sneezing great lumps of snot and coughing, coughing up chunks of phlegm.

Sunggyu-hyung was concerned and spoke to me about him. I told him what I had and how Jongie had just got it worse.

We all ignored the elephant in the room – what if it was the gas? Some early symptoms, or a weaker form?

He’s not that sick, for now, but because I’ve had it, I was told to keep an eye on him. I will.

We closed the window, just in case.

23, 01/05/17

He’s worse. Says his throat is itchy, doesn’t want to leave the couch.

I give him medicine, plenty of water, and tea – with hot water from the tap, because the kettle has no power anymore.

He has a fever too. That’s worrying, right?

I’m not a doctor, none of us are. Honestly, we have no idea what we’re doing, or if it’s right or wrong. I’m doing what I can though, we all are. Even Sungyeollie has washed some of the clothes by hand, alone. I’m proud.

The nice atmosphere has gone out the window though. We’re all worried sick.

24, 02/05/17

The same as yesterday. I don’t think he’s getting any better, but I don’t think he’s getting any worse.

His fever doesn’t go down no matter how many cold cloths I pile on his head.

25, 03/04/17

His first signs of improvement. He said his throat was less scratchy and the sneezing is decreasing in frequency.

I’m so glad.

26, 04/05/17

He seems much better. His cough remains, dry and painful, but I can’t feel a fever anymore. He’s still complaining, as ever, but at least that shows he has fight left in him.

I can tell myself, again, everything’s going to be fine.

27, 05/05/17

I had one more episode of sleep paralysis last night. I felt guilty for making Jongie wake me up, but he looked okay, so I won’t worry anymore. He asked me if I wanted to tell him about it, so I did.

I told him, and I felt stupid, because my nightmares are pathetic in comparison to his, but he told me ‘no, hyung. I’ve heard about sleep paralysis before and I know it can be really scary. Noona got it once and she…’

Our Jongie is a great guy, really. I’m proud of him.