Day 1, 09/04/17

I want to keep a diary of what happens. For some reason, I think we’ll be stuck here for a while.

At around 3pm today, one of the manager hyungs burst into the dance practice studio. He told me they were all looking for me, and to get my together and head to Sungyeol’s – he gave me until 4:30. He told me that all he knew was that we needed to be either holed up inside or far out of Seoul, and the second was no longer an option, as every way out was congested and chaotic. He said I had to pack for a long, long stay – to bring long lasting food and not clothes, on orders from the company director. I wasn’t as worried as I should have been.

Then he ran off, citing gathering the others and stuff. I did as I was told, and on the way back saw every shop was either closed or empty – as in empty of staff too. I stopped at one and grabbed as many cans as I could carry, and left all the bills I had under the till. It was weird, like everybody in Seoul disappeared into thin air while I was practicing, save for the cars rushing by.

I packed what I was told to and drove to Yeollie’s – it’s the biggest and newest, a penthouse in a nice complex – I made it there at 4:25. They were having a meeting, three managers and the members. The managers decided to go get a last batch of supplies and search for other people in the apartment complex, and I took a brief moment to check the internet on my phone.

It was chaos – ‘North Korea declares war on South’, ‘Impending Seoul chemical threat 5pm’, ‘Instructions from the department of security’ – I checked this one. It read, in plain black on white text, I quote:

‘Do not attempt to evacuate Seoul – the gas is expected to have a blast radius of 20 miles. Stay inside from 4:45 at all times – stock up on food and water. Attempt to seal up your place of residence to prevent the chemical attack from entering. All men with basic military training must report to their nearest government centre. More news will shortly arrive. Please do not panic.’

That would be why the only three managers there were the young ones who hadn’t done their military service yet. Our seven Infinite members were left in Yeollie’s apartment, with all the stuff we brought piled up around, and glued to our phones in the living room, in silence. They were checking the internet and talking to their parents.

I noticed, without disappointment, I had no missed calls or texts from my family. I felt a little proud of myself for expecting it, and not being hurt. I didn’t text them. They were safe in Busan – only my little brother would have cared, and he’s doing his military service. I worried a little for him, but I had no way of contacting him. I was happy to find most of the people I consider friends had texted me asking about my safety, and I quickly replied to them. It hit 4:40 too soon.

It was weird – until that point I was just trying to get things done, but then I realised the absurdity of the situation. It was, and still is, like a movie setting, too crazy to be real. An impending chemical bomb. The annihilation of Seoul. But most of all I just felt discomfort – for being left in Sungyeol’s apartment, I only visited a few times before (it was new), for not knowing what to say to the members as if we had just met again and for just not knowing how to respond. Rather than the fear, the lurch from a day-to-day idol routine was what left me helpless. No, not helpless, just reeling, breathless, temporarily.

I decided to do something about our safety, even if the others would rather be glued to their phones, so I found some thick plastic tape, and put it over the air vents in the two bedrooms and then over the joints in the windows in the lounge and kitchen. Someone the TV – it read the same message. At 4:55 the managers still had not returned. I watched from the window for their car. We started talking about what to do – surely, we had to seal up the door too, but the managers still weren’t back yet. We put it off until 5:00, and then Sunggyu-hyung told us to seal it, quickly, so we did. Still, we waited for a knock.

According to my watch, it was 5:07 when a thick green mist spread through the streets and the skies on a strong gust of wind. The colour somehow reminded me of toothpaste. It was all you could see in the windows.

As expected, we were all on edge, but Sunggyu-hyung took control, and made us feel confident, although now, as always, I realise it was mostly empty words to quieten us down. It worked though. Dongwoo-hyung was the first to notice somebody screaming, somewhere. Sunggyu-hyung got us to play music to block it out. He told us what to do – add more tape to the windows and door, start sorting what we brought. It felt weird to play rock-paper-scissors to decide who got which bed, in this strange, strange atmosphere. I felt bad for Yeollie because he got the walk-in closet floor in his own house. I got the couch, and offered it to him, but he said he’d make a bed out of his clothes.

We worked, because Sunggyu-hyung told us to, and we didn’t know what else to do, with the fog filling up the window, feeling like the tape was bursting at the seams, and worrying about what we brought. I don’t think we did too badly – Sunggyu brought tonnes of vitamins and health supplements, and we have cans and crisps as well as rice and noodles. Sungyeollie went to get some clothes for me to borrow – I literally brought one spare t-shirt because I knew I could borrow from him (he has plenty of clothes to spare). I followed him after he didn’t return and Sunggyu was distracted.

He was frantically tapping on his phone screen, leaning on a rack of clothes, looking even more stressed. I decided to risk talking to him about it, even though I’m not the best with words, or comfort, or Sungyeol himself. I just asked him what was wrong and then he threw his phone onto a pile of clothes across the small room at my feet.

“The mobile network died.” He said, foully. I stepped towards him and tried to awkwardly pat his shoulder, and he pulled me in for a hug. I should have known he would do that – he’s a pretty touchy person in regular times. I gave him a few pats on the back, feeling painfully awkward. Finally, he released me. “I’ll get you your clothes.” He said, calmer.

“Got any purple? Anything not size giant and a half?” I tried, hoping he was in the mood for a joke.

Thankfully, he was. “I’m sorry sir, but we are fresh out of stock in anything that woefully unfashionable, or for people under six feet tall. You may wish to try the children’s section instead?” Perhaps he was in too good a mood.

Sunggyu sent us off to bed at around 11:00, saying we’d wake up bright and early tomorrow and continue with the chores, but I can still hear hushed voices from Sungyeol’s main bedroom which Myungsoo, Dongwoo and Sungjong had won. Myungsoo and Dongwoo in particular were talking a lot earlier over their phones. They’re definitely worried about their parents but I don’t want to ask them about it because it’s probably a sensitive topic. Sunggyu-hyung won’t be worried about his parents, he’s probably in the same situation as me, but he has to take care of us instead. I don’t want to be a burden.

I’m writing this diary. Just… to keep track, I suppose. Of the fog, of the situation, to not forget, when we finally get out of here (if), to calm my mind a little too. There’s screaming outside again, it must be people dying. From the fog.

It’s strange. And a little scary. An idol group is not well prepared to deal with this, but our members are strong and I trust them. We can endure it.

2, 10/04/17

I couldn’t sleep on the couch, so I slept on the thick carpet right in front of the window. I woke up when the sun streamed straight through the green mist and onto my face, and as I didn’t feel like lying there, I went back to the kitchen and resumed clearing and counting. Jongie came in and helped me at about 9:00. I heard Myungsoo and Dongwoo’s hushed voices soon after. Then at around 11:00 Sunggyu popped round and called for a meeting. I think he was surprised we were actually working, which annoyed me a bit, as always. For a leader, he never thinks of getting up early to help himself.

We sat down and listened, perched on and around Sungyeol’s three sofas. He stressed the importance of the inventory and not touching the windows. Yeollie didn’t have a radio, and we checked and none of our phones had signal. He told us to prepare for when we didn’t even have electricity. It was clear everybody was worried about their families, and also the managers who didn’t return last night.

Sunggyu-hyung distracted us with chores, which I am really thankful for. And in the evening, Jongie sourced a pack of cards and me, him, Sunggyu and Woohyun played a few games. It was fun – we could pretend the apocalypse wasn’t happening out of the window, and we were careless (our concerns from back them seem like nothing now) trainees.

The talking drowned out occasional sounds of screams in the distance during the daytime. But it doesn’t now. I’m tempted to see if anyone else is awake to distract me.

-

2am. Every time I try to go to sleep I hear them again.

-

3, 11/04/17

I think the green fog seems a little thinner today. Perhaps it’ll clear soon. The screams were also fewer in number today.

We finished the inventory and chores this morning. Then the others quickly retreated to their rooms and I sat with Sunggyu-hyung and we tried to work out how to ration the food. I lay by the window again for a few hours and let my head drain of any thoughts and concerns for my brother, and for my bandmate brothers.

Sunggyu called another meeting and tried to distribute the chores. He put Woohyun and me on food, and himself on inventory. Sungyeol and Sungjong have to clean the clothes in the bathroom once the electricity goes, which Sunggyu is convinced will happen any second and Dongwoo and Myungsoo have house cleaning duty, as if there was much to clean. I’m not sure if putting us in pairs with our currently closest friends was a good idea – I feel like Dongwoo and Myungsoo will isolate themselves. Jongie started sticking to me, although he rooms with them, and Yeollie is definitely feeling lonely, with Myungsoo clinging to Dongwoo now.

I’m trying to make a plan for the food based on when it’ll go off. Sunggyu-hyung says I should factor in the electricity dying soon. I don’t know what we’ll do when that happens – most of the food is rice and noodles, and we need at least a kettle for that.

It made me realise – what if the water dies? We have only 10 litres between us (although someone thought it would be a good idea to bring soju). I don’t want to think about how long that would last us.

On second thought, I’ll have one more look at the short-dated stuff.

-

Maybe we should have tried to leave. I have no idea what’s happening outside, except for the screams. They have to be people dying.

Well, what can we do about it now. I’m just glad we’re all alive.

So I need to try and keep it that way.

-

4, 12/04/17

The mist is definitely fading. I can see the outlines of the buildings across from us now. Upwards is much clearer, and I think its darker near the ground. May just be the light.

Still a few screams. The alarm nearby has finally faded.

I'm worried about the others. What are they doing? Reading? Sometimes I hear talking but not always. They must be dying or boredom, like I am. (It’s starting to feel a little normal, which is weird.)

Dongwoo and Myungsoo haven’t left their room yet, but at least they have each other. Sunggyu and Woohyun are tense but are communicating as normal, well, without the joking. Jongie seems... alright. He's not sleeping well, and he's talking to me a lot. Just not about the situation... he always freezes when he hears the screams, and I'm sure he's feeling left out from Dongwoo and Myungsoo's fast co-dependency.

But I'm most worried about Sungyeol. The few times Jongie and I (and it has been only Jongie and I) have tried to talk to him he has been abrupt and rude. And he never leaves his 'room' - the tiny closet he has nested in. He has a few books and stuff in there, I glimpsed before he threw me out, so at least he's not going to die of boredom but...

I wish Sunggyu would get his act together and lead us like he used to. He’s still very much our leader, he calls the shots, makes that plans and thinks about what we don’t, and he was never an example, a role model, or a hyung that the maknaes emotionally depended upon, but it seems like now all he cares about is himself.

I wonder which I should do, try and snap Sunggyu out of it, or try and talk to Sungyeol and Myungsoo and Dongwoo myself. Dongwoo-hyung, bless him, is probably badly affected, and Myungsoo’s pessimism will not help, but I’ve never been the closest to Myungsoo, or Sungyeol, so I’m not too sure how to deal with them.

It’s late. I should sleep.

5, 13/04/17

The fog is quickly thinning up here – it’s barely colouring the view at our level, but I think it’s darkening below us. We are on the 34^th floor, after all, and the tallest building in the nearest few streets, meaning before we could see pretty much everything before the fog set in. Perhaps it’ll clear quickly, in a week or two, and we can leave. I mean, I assumed that the green air means poisoned air, but what if it goes beyond that? What if it’s just the dye that’s sinking? Well, at least we’re safe in here.

At around 2pm, Jongie gathered a few of us to play a game again - probably trying to maintain a sense of normalcy in this crazy, ed up .... situation. He hadn't tried Myungsoo, or Dongwoo - he's probably guessed they'd say no. I heard Sunggyu turn him down, citing taking a shower now it was free, and he accosted Woohyun as he left the bathroom, hair damp. Then he asked me, and of course I agreed. It wasn't like I could say I had more important things to be doing, and I figured it could be a nice distraction.

Then, he did what I was not expecting - he knocked, and wandered into Sungyeol's closet-now-turned-voluntary-prison, and miraculously, left a minute later with the big baby following, although glaring holes into the back of his head.

I really have no idea how he does it sometimes. (Bribery?)

When Sungyeol turned his eyes to Woohyun and me, though, his expression soured further. But he sat down by the coffee table in the lounge without complaint, and kept quiet, eyes firmly directed out the window into the fading green haze.

We played 7-card whist, like we used to in the dorm. Sungyeol and I were both eliminated in the 5-card round. He made a move to get up, but didn’t make it far. Sungjong tugged him back down and smiled his evil maknae smile, and sweetly said ‘You can wait for the next round, hyung’, and Yeollie sat down as if pulled by an invisible force. We made it through the next few rounds, Sungyeol practically exuding irritation and me watching him through the side of my eye, until Jongie gave a cheer at winning the final round. Somehow this broke whatever fine thread of patience Sungyeol was holding onto and he just snapped.

“How the can you act as if nothing has happened? As if it’s all still okay? How can you still play ty games and smile and cheer like…” He sneered, “like the whole of Seoul hasn’t gone to and there’s nothing we can ing do but sit here on our asses and wait for the managers to come back, which, by the way, they never will! Like our families aren’t somewhere out there, in the mist, and we have no idea if they made it out or not! Like all we can do is not just sit here and wait until the food-“

Sungjong went red and stood up, and roared (or at least roared for someone as gentle as Sungjong) “At least I’m ing trying, , unlike someone who’s only brooding and sitting there trying to make everybody else feel worse! I get that maybe the world has gone to and you’re feeling ty but you being a about it is definitely not helping!”

Sungyeol pushed him a little from across the table. Now would be a perfect time for Sunggyu-hyung to appear and leader-ly diffuse the situation but… He didn’t. “ you, you know as well as anyone that nothing we can do…” I caught Woohyun’s eye and we quietly moved around the table in between Sungjong and Sungyeol.

“Sungyeol-ah,” I started quietly, and gently grabbed his wrist to get his attention, “Calm down. You don’t mean it.”

“Jongie,” Woohyun joined in, “Come and help me in the kitchen.” He dragged him out, huffing like a kid.

I breathed a sigh of relief once Sungjong left, and the tension diffused significantly, but not entirely. I slid my hand down to get a good grip on Yeollie’s hand, trying to comfort him. He loves this kind of physical contact normally, although I’m rarely the one to participate in this kind of stuff. It worked, thankfully. His hand relaxed a little and lightly held mine back. “I’m sorry, Howon-ah. I didn’t mean to take it out on you guys.”

I gave a tiny smile, “It’s fine, I understand, with everything going on, everybody’s a bit stressed out.”

“Not you though, you keep it together. You even stay by that blasted window… “ His face tightened again. “And your whole family is still safe in Busan, huh.” He took his hand away. “I’m going to sleep.” He stormed back into his closet. I didn’t correct him.

I dropped in with dinner later, and true to his word, he was asleep. I left it next to him – it was just a sandwich anyway.

The sun had just set when I heard him, and saw in the window’s reflection him bolt out of the cupboard into the bathroom, looking pale as a ghost. He left the door open. I waited and listened. Then there was the sound of solid splattering against the toilet bowl. And retching. I got up and went over. He glared at me as I went in and closed the door.

There was nothing, really, for me to do except watch and rub his back as he convulsed. I got him tissues and a glass of water. He used the tissues on his tears. It felt awful to just watch him suffer like this, I can’t imagine how terrible he must have felt.

When his stomach had finally emptied itself and the phantom retches that follow subsided, he took the glass of water. “I’m sorry, Sungyeol-ah. It was probably the bread.” I his hair once.

His shoulders shook a little, “Yeah, probably just the bread. It tasted a bit gross.” He shakily flushed the toilet and stood, then turned to me. I had to look up a little, but I saw his eyes were red-rimmed and lips pale, although curling up a little. “You’re not a very good chef, Howon.”

“Well I didn’t hear you gallantly volunteering to help me.” I reached out for his hand again, and his met mine half-way.

“No, you didn’t.” He chuckled, silently.

I took him back to his room. Sunggyu-hyung saw us from the kitchen and said nothing. I had him lie down on his bed and I crouched next to him, still attached by our hands.

“Although you must be hungry, let’s wait a little until I feed you again.”

He nodded. Somehow, he looked exhausted, although I’ve seen him dance for hours and look more energetic. I ran my other hand through his hair. I felt like I had to tell him.

“Hojun was on active duty on the border. I have no idea…” I confessed. I like to think I didn’t just want to prove him wrong, or get sympathy. “Him, and maybe mum too, were the only ones I care about. Dad, and Hojae are strangers to me. But it doesn’t matter – I don’t want to think about them and I don’t want you to think about them. I, personally, don’t want to dwell too much on worrying, even though it’s hard. Besides, the six most important people to me are right here, and I don’t want them to get hurt by me being preoccupied by the seventh and eighth.”

His eyes stayed shut, but I could tell what he was thinking. “I’ll try too. No promises, but I’ll try. You guys matter to me too. A whole lot.” He seemed sleepy. “I’ll apologise to Jongie tomorrow morning.”

“Okay.” I let him fall asleep holding my hand, me sitting over him.

I just left, having extracted my hand from his death grip when he was sleeping soundly enough, so I could write all of this down and sleep without a shelf digging into my back. This carpet is actually really comfortable, and I hide my diary under the sofa next to me. Somehow, I feel a little safer, a little more in control right next to the window.

6, 14/04/17

I was very glad to see the clouds in their pure white glory today, and I noticed a kind of border to the fog begin a floor below us. This was vital for what Sunggyu-hyung talked about later.

He came over to my spot in the late morning and quietly called me into his room – he had the look on his face that meant we were having a serious, work meeting. Except there was no ‘work’ anymore. It was just Woohyun, Sunggyu and I sitting on their bed. It smelled a little in there and felt stuffy.

He basically told us he was worried about us running out of air – which made sense. We had to seal everything off to not breathe in the fog meaning no fresh air was getting in either, and we were just slowly using up the remaining oxygen. He posed to us his plan – open an air vent, and then the other, and then the windows – he too had seen the fog lessening and hoped this meant the clear air was safe. “Either the air outside is poisoned too, and we die, or we run out of air and die. We will need to risk getting fresh air soon.”

He was right, as always, but Woohyunie had a good point, “I really don’t think we can open the air vents though, hyung. The rest of the building wasn’t sealed up, so it must have gotten in somehow, in whatever concentration. And there’s no breeze in here, and equally, no way out, so it won’t sink as fast as outside. And for all we know, the vents will be linked as low as the bottom floor, where it’s still really bad.” We agreed to open a window instead, at the very last possible moment – the later we could put it off, the better.

“Shouldn’t we tell the others, though? When do we tell them?” I had to bring up. It occurs to me now that Sunggyu-hyung only had a meeting with us because he trusted us to not panic, and to advise him well. I feel a little happy that he included me.

Sunggyu-hyung looked grim. I knew then that he had no plan of telling them. “Well, we can’t tell them afterwards, can we? Go ‘oh yeah, we risked all of your lives without telling you, but it turned out okay so get over it’? What if it doesn’t turn out okay?” I knew that they’d panic, but some part of me told me to be honest with them.

“I know, Howon-ah, but they’ll go crazy. They’re not coping well – Sungyeol doesn’t leave his closet and Myungsoo and Dongwoo are just wrapped up in their own world right now.” Sunggyu-hyung was using his stressed face, the one he uses when there is no winning solution.

Woohyun joined my side. “Howonie’s right though, the -fest after we don’t tell them will be much, much worse than the -fest if we explain to them, calmly.”

Sunggyu ran a hand through his hair – his ultimate stressing habit. I suppose this situation deserves it. “We can decide later, when we have to do it. Just tell me if anyone is feeling short of breath, because I’m sure that means we have to do it.” He paused. “And I’m sure the electricity will die soon. I’m surprised it’s lasted this long. My only worry is that then, the hot water will stop. Or worse, all the water will stop. And we’ll only have days left after that.” Woohyun looked a little pale. “Or someone will come and rescue us. Boss said he’d tell people we were here, or maybe the managers will come back.” That last one was obviously a lie none of us believed. I realised then what the company had done – told us to stay and ran off themselves, although I believed that it would have been impossible to leave Seoul at the time, with everybody else leaving at once. Sunggyu-hyung had probably realised something was off. “Howon-ah, you’re using the stuff that rots first right, but you should juice the fruit, it’ll last longer. And use the kettle to boil as much ramen and rice as we can store – we have loads of it but it’ll be useless once we can’t cook it, and for now we can just microwave it. Make sure your phones are on full charge at all times, although they’re useless, we can turn them on later and check for signal.” He turned to Woohyun. “We’re doing all we can for now.”

Woohyun and I spent the rest of the day cooking rice and ramen, filling up every bowl and pan we could, but we still had loads of bags of rice left. I’m not sure about raw rice, but it’ll have to do. I don’t have much of a hope for rescue, we’re probably in a war zone right now. Well, Seoul will be ignored, but there will be some kind of North Korean invasion, surely. I wonder how the military is coping.

But spending time with Woohyunie-hyung was kind of fun, he’s still pretty relaxed, and he laughed at my underdone noodles a lot. The rest of the apartment was silent though, it felt a little like we should have been whispering, to maintain the silence, but there was no reason to. In the evening, Sunggyu coaxed Myungsoo and Dongwoo out of their room and we all played cards. It wasn’t so bad, really. Myungsoo and Dongwoo were attached to each other the whole time, but they weren’t angry or tense, just a little subdued. It felt a little weird, but it was even odder how easily we blended back together, back to the way we were just after we debuted, rather than to the deliberate distance we put between us after we moved out of the dorm.

Then Sunggyu recommended the use of some of the alcohol some angel had brought, and while we only used about a quarter of it and just got tipsy, not drunk, it was fun. We made a lot of noise, and talked like we used to, about everything but the last six days. Yeollie first fell asleep on the couch, and Jongie and Namu-hyung shortly followed. Sunggyu-hyung offered me the other half of their bed, which I took mostly just because he asked and I was drunk – I like my spot by the window.

That’s why I’m writing this now – it’s actually 9am on day 7. I don’t have a hangover, Gyu-hyung made me drink lots of water before going to sleep. I feel much better in fact - having seen the others relaxed yesterday, I’m sure he will be much more open to telling them the plan for when the Oxygen runs out.

7, 15/04/17

The fog keeps on sinking. I think it was hotter today, I’m not sure if that was the trapped air or just the weather though. As far as I can tell, we don’t need to open the windows quite yet.

It was alright today, actually. The other members seem fine. Dongwoo-hyung came over to my spot today and we had a chat, without Myungsoo. Yeollie and I even got his PlayStation on and we played some driving games, although we couldn’t use the internet features. One by one the others all joined in too – it was fun, like we were rookies messing around in our dorm again on a day off.

Only Sunggyu-hyung seems stressed – I didn’t manage to talk to him alone today but I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.

I don’t want to disturb the delicate calm we have going for us right now, but opening the windows will be the trial to decide if this can continue. I’m not sure which is the right call either – I’m glad I’m not the one who has to make the call.

8, 16/04/17

It’s definitely stuffy. I wonder if somehow a breeze could waft the fog upwards, through a window.

I realised something else last night. The others aren’t stupid, what if they realise that the air will run out? What if they think hyung hasn’t realised, and are going through the same struggle as we are of deciding to tell us or not? Surely Yeollie would realise – he’s pretty smart.

With this thought in mind, I went to Sunggyu and Woohyun’s room. Myungsoo and Dongwoo saw me go in through their open door. It’s impossible to hide where you go in this place – the footsteps sound impossibly loud in the quiet, although their door isn’t usually open. Maybe it was because they felt stuffy. Maybe they were suspicious from the first time Gyu called me to his room.

I told him that I thought we should explain to them the plan before they figured it out themselves. Woohyun agreed with me, and Sunggyu had already made up his mind – he told us to get them to the living room.

As Sunggyu explained why it had to be a window, and not a vent, I noticed Yeollie must have realised and told Jongie, they weren’t surprised or complaining at all. Dongwoo and Myungsoo, although obviously concerned, agreed as always – they have always been the most obedient to Sunggyu-hyung. Then he asked us to tell him when to do it, when we felt dizzy or hot or short of breath.

I haven’t felt any of those yet, just a little hungry – I have to make the portions pretty small, and I always end up feeling sorry for Jongie, or Yeollie, so I sometimes give them some of mine. I mean, they were too thin before we were stuck in here, and I needed to go on a diet anyway. I have felt a little sleepy though, which is weird because I’ve been sleeping from 10pm until 10am, which is more than I ever used to, and I’m not even doing any exercise. Speaking about exercise, Woohyun came in and did some push-ups earlier. He spends most of the day in the lounge with me, and we read some of Sungyeol’s random assortment of books or talk. I remembered he said he was claustrophobic a few times and I asked him if he felt it here, but he said no. I also talked to Yeollie again, and offered him a couch, because I wasn’t even using one, but he said he had gotten used to his closet. I can relate to that, with my spot on the floor, but his closet is starting to smell.

The electricity could die any second now. It’ll be hard enough to cope without cooking appliances, but I wonder how we’ll cope without light.

9, 17/04/17

Jongie came in and complained to me about Myungsoo and Dongwoo not waking up at around 1pm. When I turned the lights on they were a little red and breathing loudly. Suddenly, I realised I could also hear Jongie’s breaths behind me, then I realised I could hear my own, and my heart felt out of time with my lungs and my mind could no longer control it. I shook it off and went to Sunggyu’s room. “Jongie, did you sleep with the door closed?” I asked. “Hyung, Myungsoo and Dongwoo-hyung don’t look well.” Then I realised what I was forgetting, and opened Sungyeol’s closet door. His lips were blue. I shouted to Sunggyu, “Hyung! Sungyeol’s lips are blue! We need to do it now!”.

Woohyun pushed past me and somehow picked up Yeollie and put him on the couch – he didn’t wake up. Sunggyu-hyung headed to the windows in the lounge and started ripping off the tape. I dragged Jongie in and we woke up Dongwoo and Myungsoo, and brought them to the lounge as they blearily woke up. Dongwoo-hyung’s breaths sounded more like wheezes. When we were all in the lounge, Sunggyu looked to us and then ripped open one window, and then the next, and another. They were small, at the top of the glass wall, and I didn’t know how many to open to keep Yeollie alive but not let in the gas, but Sunggyu opened three of the top five windows. There was also the door to the balcony, and windows in both the kitchen and Myungsoo’s bedroom, but he left them shut for now.

We sat in the lounge for a while, listening to the breeze passing through the window and Yeollie’s slowing breaths and waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. Yeollie woke up naturally an hour later, and said he had a nightmare.

Gyu-hyung and I closed them before we went to sleep, he said there was no need to have them open if we didn’t need them open, at least for now, until the fog sinks further.

It felt a little like a miracle that we were okay – that the gas didn’t get us. It was even stranger to think that if Yeollie’s apartment was one floor lower, or we needed air a few hours before, maybe we wouldn’t be okay. And then, I thought of the other people who must be holed up around Seoul. Would their air run out first?

There was one more short series of screams today, in the evening, when it was just me in the lounge. It had to be a man and a woman, a couple. It sounds like an agonising death.

I’m glad none of us have to face it, yet.

10, 18/04/17

Nothing much happened today. I feel like this is becoming more common.

Well, there was one occurrence with Sungyeol that stays in my mind.

He hurried into the lounge at around 6pm, calling “Howonie, help!” and holding his hands out awkwardly, but they were obscured by the edge of the couch from my spot on the floor. I had no idea what was wrong - my mind leapt to him catching whatever the gas gives you. It felt like ice started spreading from my heart – I realise now it was a kind of adrenaline rush. I stood up immediately, expecting to see blood, my mind empty except for worry, only to see white cream coating his hands in blobs. “I used too much hand cream.”

I heard my heart beat like I was finally standing on the ground again, and I slowly breathed in, to prevent him noticing me gasping. I felt, and still feel a bit silly for my overreaction. “Help me? Yesterday my hands got really dry, so I found my hand cream but it kind of blobbed everywhere… I don’t want to waste it, you should take some.” I let myself sigh in exasperation. I walked over, and dragged him down to sit next to me on the couch. I started wiping some of the cream off his still hands onto my own, which I noticed were just a little dry.

“How did you even manage this? This is just… excessive.” His hands were rough under the cream, and warm, and a little clammy.

“I dunno, Howonie. It just blobbed.” He smiled at me – for some reason he looked a little proud of himself. Crazy kid. He even hummed a little. “Your hands are so small. Kinda squishy. Like a kid’s.” He lifted my hands and squished the palms a little. He looked happy so I let him.

“Well, at least they’re not clumsy enough to make this mess.” I continued rubbing it into his hands even though I didn’t have to anymore, because Yeollie likes the contact and I like Yeollie relaxed and happy.

My hands slowed after the white colour faded to a sheen, and he leant his head on my shoulder. “Thanks, Howonie. Crisis averted.” He looked tired and lonely, but for some reason I felt like he saw that in me, and was doing it to relieve my tiredom and loneliness, because my worries were evaporating, fading like the drying cream on both of our hands, too.

My hands feel a little soft, now, and my heart a little lighter.

11, 19/04/17

Today I saw smoke from the edge of Seoul - only the other tall buildings are visible but the plume of black smoke floated high in the sky. I wasn’t sure if it was a fire or an explosion, but it was far away enough for us to not have to worry about it. I did talk to Sunggyu-hyung about it though.

I feel a bit awkward – I sit here alone for most of the day and watch the view, or pretend to read but get distracted anyway. You might think there’d be nothing to see, but there really is. The shifts in the fog, the birds, the odd glimpses of light and movement through a window over the road which I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating… I’m sure the others think it’s weird, but to be fair we wouldn’t have spotted the smoke on the horizon if I wasn’t here.

I feel a bit like a look-out. I like it. I might like it even more, though, when Yeollie and Jongie lie on the couches and read though, or when Woohyunie-hyung asks for help with the food. I do love their company.

-

The light in the bathroom won’t turn on.

-

Nor will any of the other lights.

-

The electricity has gone.