Sequel to Take You To Heaven

 

Take Me To Church
Hozier

Good God, let me give you my life

 

---

 

PRESENT

 

Byulyi gripped the hem of her shorts, her knuckles shivering like white mountains against the fabric. Everything around her roared in slow-motion—the music, the voices, the expanses of skin and eyes she did not recognized.

 

Her palms sweat.

 

She could taste the iron on her bottom lip.

 

Her whole body hummed with fire and ice.

 

---

 

TWO MONTHS AGO

 

Byulyi sat in the bathroom in deep thought.

 

It was no secret that Moon Byulyi would do anything for Kim Yongsun. If she asked, she would no doubt slay fictional lions and wrangle fictional monsters. If she asked, she would climb mountains, swim oceans, and leap over canyons for no reasons at all. After two blissful months, she could attest that she always poured a hundred and ten into their relationship. As long as Yongsun was happy, she was happy.

 

As she admired Yongsun’s before her, she simply wished she wouldn’t have to think about Yongsun’s job at the club where Yongsun divided her attention. She wished this sight could be hers alone. No, no. No, she quickly buried the thought. Her own desires were irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, especially one as childish as this.

 

After all, who was she to complain? She simply didn’t have the right. When Yongsun barged into her office that night it had been a dream. All through the night, from the unconventional hello to the reluctant goodbye at the door, arms wrapped around each other in warm embrace, she thought she would wake up with cold with empty hands.

 

Even when Yongsun called the next morning while she had been fiddling anxiously with her phone with the exact same dilemma, she still couldn’t believe there was anything the woman liked about her.

 

Shy, average Moon Byulyi may have been a rising young architect, but she knew without a doubt that a woman like Kim Yongsun would never give her a second glance on the street under normal circumstances. Beautiful, vibrant Yongsun. Gentle, perfect Yongsun. Intelligent, kind Yongsun. This woman was everything Byulyi never allowed herself to want.

 

But here she was, standing in her bathroom, half- as she ran a brush through her dark locks. With reverence, Byulyi remembered the way they felt when she ran her fingers through them only fifteen minutes ago.

 

Moon Byulyi was the luckiest woman in the world. So, yes, of course Byulyi would do anything to be with this woman. The club was just a minor blip.

 

“Byul-ah, why are you just sitting on the toilet staring at me?”

 

Byulyi stood up, and wrapped her arms around her middle, nudging her shoulder with her nose. “Sorry, you were just too beautiful.”

 

Yongsun laughed with a playful roll of her eyes as she continued brushing. “Look at how greasy you’ve become. What happened to the shy architect who couldn’t handle a woman on her lap?”

 

“What? I thought you liked confident lovers in bed.”

 

Yongsun blushed. “W-well, yes, I may have said that once. B-but that’s different!”

 

Byulyi hummed, absentmindedly running her hands across Yongsun’s torso, momentarily distracted by the firm lines beneath. “So you don’t like confident lovers,” Byulyi murmured, kissing the soft skin of her neck.

 

“S-stop,” Yongsun whined, “I’m starting a new rotation today, remember? Don’t you dare distract me! And stop asking me weird questions!” She broke away from Byulyi’s arms and padded toward Byulyi’s closet, where she kept an extra set of work clothes, leaving Byulyi to stand in the bathroom and stare at her own reflection.

 

How could she make her realize it wasn’t a weird question at all?

 

She needed to know who she needed to be to make her happy.

 

She took in her own empty expression, the awkward angles of her limbs, and the slouch she’d developed over the years. She grimaced and silently hoped Yongsun didn’t like a confident personality too much—she wasn’t sure how long she could keep that up. But what could she do?

 

She was an imposter beside her, unqualified and undeserving.

 

That day, Byulyi took an early lunch as she did every day. She hurried out of the office, much to the curiosity and mild annoyance of her coworkers. After two months, the routine was getting old, but knowing how much their manager respected her work and the extra hours she put in after work, no one said a word. Besides, most of her older coworkers agreed that she spent way to much time in the office for a girl her age. This firm had more than enough miserable, overworked employees. Reclusive as the girl was, they agreed that she seemed nice enough to deserve whatever was making her happy.

 

And Byulyi was happy.

 

Truly.

 

There were times when just being with Yongsun would set her soul aflame. There were times where she made her feel more than she really was, like she could do anything as long as she could feel her hand in hers. There were times when her smile seemed enough to light up the day, when little jokes, careful kisses, and tender promises felt enough to sustain her for days. 

 

She was so happy, in fact, that she didn’t understand why her manager had given her the phone number of his therapist.

 

He probably just worried to much.

 

Still, she kept the white and green card in her wallet, if only to make her manager feel better.

 

Outside her office, she picked up a bouquet of fresh irises from a street vendor. The pretty purple colour suited her well. Besides, girls liked flowers, right? As impractical as flowers were, she was sure that Yongsun would appreciate the gesture. Tomorrow, Byulyi mused, she’ll get a slightly more practical gift. Yongsun had been eyeing a new palette—she’ll have to figure out what her colour is.

 

Or maybe tomorrow would be a chocolate day. Yongsun loved chocolate. Did she like the strawberry one last time? She should really keep a list on her phone since she always forgot to carry the list she kept in her office.

 

Before she knew it, Byulyi was elbowed into the subway and had come out on the other side. The fog of cogs turning furiously in her brain didn’t stop until she stood in front of the hospital. Her stomach rumbled with butterflies as it did every day.

 

She was giddy to see her, but there was always a split second of nerves when she tried to assemble her persona together.

 

Then, there she was, the one she’d fight monsters and steal celestial bodies for in a heartbeat. With her chestnut hair tied up in a messy ponytail, Yongsun sat at the end of a long cafeteria table, nursing a coffee with a weary smile directed at a woman in front of her.

 

Byulyi felt a sharp pang strike her through the heart. This was happening more than usual lately—she brushed it off as nerves. It always went away, so it was probably nothing. Right?

 

Was her smile weary, or was it brighter than usual?

 

Byulyi shook her head and approached the table with a few long strides.

 

“Hey, babe,” she greeted, kissing Yongsun on the cheek as she took a seat beside her. Inwardly, she cringed at the word choice. “These are for you.”

 

“Oh!” Yongsun gasped, her features rounding as she received bouquet. “Um, thanks. You really don’t have to bring something every day, though,” she added with a sheepish smile.

 

“Of course I do,” Byulyi replied, flashing her own brilliant grin. “I would give you heaven and hell and everything in between if I could.”

 

Yongsun sighed. Byulyi’s smile faltered almost imperceptibly. “Thanks.”

 

Thanks? That’s it?

 

, Byulyi thought. Charming wasn’t working—maybe aloof?

 

Byulyi shrugged, but Yongsun’s eyes were no longer on her. She was gesturing to the woman across the table, who was watching them silently, a quiet, amused smile sitting on the corners of her lips. “This is my classmate, Wheein. We’re both in the maternity ward this week. Wheein, this is Byulyi.” She paused, her eyes roaming Byulyi’s face, then Wheein’s. “My friend.”

 

Friend.

 

Friend.

 

Friend.

 

FRIEND?

 

Byulyi froze, staring a hole into the side of Yongsun’s head. Friend...oh, god. How could she this up so badly? Had she not been explicit enough with her feelings? She could weep every time she thought about her feelings for Yongsun. Should she have wept more openly at her feet? Did she feel the same way? How did she never notice that she didn’t feel the same way?

 

“—yi? Hello? Moon. Byul. Yi!”

 

Byulyi jolted.

 

“S-Sorry,” she mumbled sheepishly. “Just got a bit lost in thought.”

 

Yongsun turned to her with a frown, then pressed the back of her hand on her forehead. “Are you feeling okay? You’ve been out of it a lot recently.”

 

“I’m alright,” she said, mustering as much confidence in this statement as she could with a smile.

 

Wheein and Yongsun exchanged a glance. There was something there—something lurking in that split second that Byulyi did not have access to. Something conspiratorial. Something she could not translate. Familiar dread began to fester once more.

 

Suddenly, the vast cafeteria seemed to be closing in on her. Suddenly, she didn’t want to be here. Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe.

 

“Actually, I’m going to go,” Byulyi murmured. “Call you later?”

 

“Um, okay, are you sure?” Yongsun’s brows knitted with evident worry.” Under the table, her hand reached for Byulyi’s.

 

“Yes, I’m sure,” Byulyi said, curling her fingers between Yongsun’s.

 

“Can you get home okay?”

 

“Yes. I’ll be fine.”

 

She would be. She knew.

 

She just needed to rethink and reassess what Yongsun wanted. A minute to breathe And maybe not think about Wheein or any of the fifteen thousand people who could steal her light at any moment.

 

No, if she didn’t leave now, who knows what ugly creature would lash out at poor, innocent Yongsun.

 

Byulyi slipped her fingers from Yongsun’s and walked away.

 

Don’t overthink, she told herself. Just go back to the office and work. Don’t think. Don’t think.

 

That evening, Byulyi blinked blearily at the sketches on her desk. Her head began to pound, whisking her out of focus. She swore, her inadequacies flooding right back as the moment took her back to Yongsun.

 

Holding her head, she looked around the office and at the door she half-hoped Yongsun would walk through. But it was just her and that damn light that wouldn’t stop flickering outside. There were only a couple of people lagging behind, the rest gone to their friends and families.

 

Byulyi sighed. When did her bones feel so heavy?

 

For the first time in nearly nine hours, she checked her cell phone: 13 unread messages.

 

All from Yongsun.

 

Her heart swelled, then took a dip, fearing the worst.

 

How are you feeling, Byul?

 

I hope you’re not working again. You’re back at the office, aren’t you?

 

I have a long shift, but I’ll keep my phone on me.

 

Text me if you’re alright.

 

Hello?

 

Byul-ah...you’re worrying me.

 

You’ve been acting kind of strange lately...well, more than normal. Is there anything you want to tell me?

 

Byul, I’m coming over

 

Hey where are you? I’m still stuck in traffic.

 

Are you still at the office? It’s almost 9!

 

Did you eat?

 

Change of plans. Why don’t you come over? My place is closer.

 

I’m home now. Are you ignoring me? You better come over quick or I’m breaking up with you.

 

Byulyi felt a sudden wave of nausea hit her as she shot up from her chair. She couldn’t be serious, right? But what if she was. Had she been neglecting her? Had she been so wrapped up in herself that she hadn’t noticed her feelings? 

 

No, no, no, she thought, scrambling to shove her work into a backpack with one hand as she typed out a reply with another.

 

Be hint soon don’t want for me

 

Byulyi’s thumb flew across the keyboard, sending as quickly as possible.

 

Yongsun wrote back almost immediately. What do you mean? If didn’t want for you, I wouldn’t be lounging here . So you better come quick before I change my mind and put some clothes on.

 

Byulyi swallowed, jamming the elevator button at record speed. It was a tantalizing picture, but all she could think of was come over quick or I’m breaking up with you…or I’m breaking up with you.

 

No, no, no.

 

Too slow, she thought, diving instead for the stairwell door. By the time she had barrelled down all fifteen flights, down the street, and up the hill to Yongsun’s apartment, her vision was turning yellow.

 

Aknmld fhere. Her shaking thumb wrote as she stumbled into Yongsun’s building.

 

When Yongsun opened the door, she gasped and hurried forward to catch the weary Byulyi. “Did you run here?” She demanded in a chastising tone. Byulyi winced as she was laid down on the couch, her temples throbbing as she tried to catch her breath. She looked up blearily at Yongsun, trying to ignore the spinning and the white spots. All she saw in that split second was something white. Yongsun was definitely clothed. Disappointed, she shut her eyes. Now to hope she doesn’t actually break up with her.

 

“You told me to hurry,” Byulyi mumbled.

 

“You want to see me that bad, huh?” Yongsun said gently, her hair out of her face. “You know, Byul...I’ve said this before, but you really don’t have to do everything I ask you to.”

 

Byulyi pushed herself up to a sitting position with a groan, then laid her head back until everything stopped spinning. When she opened her eyes again, Yongsun was kneeling on the floor with her hand on hers, staring up at her with concern.

 

“You deserve the best,” she said, flashing a lopsided grin. “I’d do anything for you, you know.”

 

But Yongsun was unmoved. Dammit, maybe she should’ve turned up the cute a bit there.

 

“But I don’t, and I wish you’d stop saying that. It scares me because I know you would,” Yongsun sighed, covering her eyes. “Besides, you deserve just as much if not more. It’s...frustrating that you never see that.” She cleared . “A-anyway, are you hungry? I have some food in the fridge I can heat up for you.”

 

Yongsun really was too kind, always thinking of others before herself. Byulyi’s heart soared.

 

Byulyi shook her head with a shy smile, linking their fingers together. “Can I just look at you for a little longer?” I don’t deserve this, but please don’t break up with me, she silently pleaded.

 

Yongsun laughed. “Byul-ah, You can do more than look.”

 

Byulyi sighed. How long had she been holding her breath?

 

Yongsun stood, then, breaking contact for a moment, and climbed on top of Byulyi, straddling her legs on either side. Her doubts began to fade into a quiet hum.

 

Byulyi stared, wide-eyed, as she finally noticed the white doctor’s coat she was wearing. As Yongsun moved in to lace her fingers behind Byulyi’s neck, the white coat shifted, and revealed nothing underneath.

 

“You can touch me, you know,” she whispered, her breath hot at Byulyi’s ear.

 

Byulyi raised her shaky arms. Despite the permission, a part of her still could not fathom such a privilege. How could one as unworthy as her touch something so sacred? It was the same thought every time, the same glee-ridden guilt coursing through her palms every time. Her hands hovered.

 

Yongsun reached for her hand carefully as she always did, as if expecting she would spring up and knock her over again, then placed it on her bare chest with a shy smile. “Don’t be afraid,” she said.”

 

Byulyi’s chest rose and fell with deliberate breaths as she felt the warmth pulsating beneath her palm. Her movements began, slow but deliberate, while her eyes glittered with reverence. With her eyes closed, her cheeks flushed, and her pink lip beneath her teeth, her body moving slowly against her to the rhythm of her desire, Yongsun was the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

Byulyi pulled her close and kissed her.

 

Her hands roamed down the length of Yongsun’s sides beneath the white jacket, the angry swarm of thoughts disappearing altogether with the simple action.

 

If there was one thing she unfailingly knew how to do, it was worship.

 

The next morning, Byulyi awoke to a gentle caress against her cheek.

 

“Hey.” Her eyes fluttered open at the sound of Yongsun’s soft voice. “Are you awake?”

 

It was still too dark to distinguish whether her eyes were open or closed.

 

“Hm?”

 

“Can we talk?”

 

Byulyi’s lids were heavy with sleep, barely registering the musicality of the voice she loved so much. “Mm,” she mumbled, sliding quickly back into sleep.

 

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

 

What?

 

The next morning, Byulyi awoke alone in Yongsun’s bed, sprawled across the empty space. Her mind slowly rolled back to last night, the kisses and the touches, the hours and hours of late night worship.

 

Being woken up by a gentle caress.

 

The softness of Yongsun’s voice.

 

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

 

Byulyi shot out of bed, her heart thumping wildly against her chest. Surely, it was just a horrible nightmare she had.

 

There had to be a note.

 

Please tell me I was dreaming, she pleaded with herself. Please tell me this isn’t real. She swung into the kitchen, where breakfast awaited her under a plastic cover. Ok, relax, her mind said, if she left you breakfast—it’s a good sign.

 

On the plastic cover was a note:

 

Byul—

 

I’m sorry for running away. I just needed some time to convince myself I made the right decision. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have already, and I’m sorry we couldn’t be better for each other. Just know that I really did like you.

 

PS. Please leave your key on the counter. The door automatically locks anyway.

 

Byulyi’s stomach plummeted. The piece of paper fluttered to the ground from between her frozen fingers.

 

This couldn’t be.

 

She was going to throw up.

 

For several long, delirious minutes, she wandered around the the apartment searching for her phone, forgetting what she was searching for every few seconds.

 

Where did it go wrong? What did she do wrong?

 

What the hell did she mean?

 

!

 

She slammed a fist on the dining table as hot tears began spilling over. She needed to get out of here. She shuffled back into the bedroom, where she quickly pulled on her clothes and found her phone beneath the pile. With shaking hands, she sent her manager a text message requesting a day off, then returned to the kitchen. She pulled the spare key from her pocket, and, with a heavy heart, placed it on the counter.

 

As she left, the door closed behind her with a finality that sent the emotions come crashing back with renewed vigour.

 

Where should she go now?

 

The emptiness would surely eat her alive before she could make it home.

 

She had been so hopeful. So sure this was a good thing. She just had to go and screw it all up.

 

She crouched down in front of Yongsun’s door, and hugged her knees. She didn’t know how long she spent there, thoughts running awry, memories playing back and forth in attempt to change time.

 

She didn’t hear the footsteps approaching her.

 

“Oi.”

 

Byulyi looked up with red-rimmed eyes. “Hyejin? What are you doing here?”

 

Ahn Hyejin raised neatly groomed brow. “Yongsun called me. So you broke up, huh?”

 

Ahn Hyejin was Byulyi’s best friend. One of her only friends remaining after she began devoting herself to work. Ahn Hyejin was also one of the few people optimistic enough to think that hiring a stripper for the reclusive architect would be a good idea.

 

What began as a joke for Hyejin turned into something far more than she could’ve hoped for. Since college, she had known all the flaws that kept her best friend single, and yet she held out hope for her every time the potential passed by. She was proud of her for holding on this time, yet she knew this was coming.

 

She liked Yongsun too, having met her a few times over the last two months. Yongsun was nice, but not without her own set of problems. Constantly overworked, constantly put on display, almost everything had the potential to annoy her. Byulyi’s extra high pedestal didn’t help.

 

Hyejin remembered the way Byulyi had showered her with affection and gifts the last time they went out together. She remembered the weariness in Yongsun’s expression. While Byulyi was in the bathroom, Hyejin had asked if she was alright.

 

Her response spoke volumes.

 

“I’m fine,” she had said, “I just feel like an imposter sometimes.”

 

Hyejin had nodded. “Byulyi puts her heart into everything. Please don’t blame her.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

She wished they could’ve been familiar enough to continue that conversation.

 

For now, all she could do was pull her friend to her feet by both arms. “Shall we go get some ice cream?” Byulyi nodded. “Good. You can tell me everything when we get there.”

 

On a Tuesday morning, the ice cream shop was nearly empty. Ice cream for breakfast was a privilege only Hyejin would indulge in. The young and aloof heiress never did care what anyone thought of her. Byulyi watched her the chocolate sauce off her manicured fingers and cringed. “You’re going to get that on your shirt,” Byulyi sighed. The white shirt alone was probably worth more than her entire month’s salary.

 

“Relax,” Hyejin said, rolling her eyes. “This is part of why she let you go, you know.”

 

Byulyi poked around at her empty parfait cup. “Let me go? She didn’t fire me, Hyejin. She literally and figuratively left me.”

 

“Yeah,” Hyejin replied, “because you never take it easy. I mean, how many lists of her favourite things do you keep in your head?”

 

Byulyi flushed. “It’s normal to remember what your...what she likes.”

 

“Sure, if you’re talking about favourite food, or which pillow she likes to sleep on. I bet you know her exact Starbucks order, what colour flower she likes on Fridays, and every shade of makeup she uses. Stuff that most normal people take time to learn.”

 

Byulyi sighed. “I know I’ve been crazy, Hyejin.” Hyejin raised her brows, not expecting a display of raw, unprompted vulnerability from the older woman without a fight. “I really do. I keep physical lists that I study, and I know it’s not normal but I like her so damn much, Hyejin. I like her so much that my heart is so full and so empty whenever I see her. I just wanted to make her happy. Why the hell did I think someone like me could make her happy?”

 

Hyejin silently handed Byulyi a napkin to wipe away the running tears. Byulyi sniffled and murmured her thanks.

 

“Can I ask you a question, unnie?” Hyejin said finally. She pushed the empty glass aside and propped her chin up with her palm. “Why did Yongsun choose to go out with you in the first place? No offence, but I can’t imagine you being super cool. She was probably too—I’m surprised you didn’t jump out the window.”

 

Byulyi laughed, choking slightly on all the phlegm and mucus—damn, she felt gross. “You know me so well,” she said, once the coughing subsided, “because I definitely thought about it.”

 

“So?” Hyejin handed her another tissue, this time from a perfumed packet in her purse.

 

“I don’t know. It just happened. I think mostly because I said the wrong stuff and offended her a couple of times, and I guess we had an understanding toward the end, and the chemistry was right. I don’t know. Sometimes I think that day didn’t happen.”

 

“It did. I can show you my credit card statement,” Hyejin chuckled. “Daddy asked me about it too. It was an incredibly uncomfortable experience.”

 

“Yeah, well, it didn’t feel real.”

 

“So, let me ask you another question, unnie.” Byulyi nodded. “Given that you were just being your clumsy self that day, why have you been trying to be someone else?”

 

Something prickled in Byulyi’s throat. She dropped her eyes, unable to meet Hyejin’s piercing gaze.

 

“She deserves someone better than me,” she confessed with a shrug, as if it were an indisputable fact. “I’m...well, I’m just me. And she...she’s just...so wonderful. I want so bad to be worthy, but, Hyejin,” she ran a hand over her face, “I tried so hard.”

 

Hyejin took a long sip of water, a distracted look in her eyes as she looked out the window behind Byulyi.

 

“Before I met you, I dated this girl,” she said slowly. Byulyi wiped her eyes quietly into another perfumed tissue, listening. Hyejin drummed her finger on the table anxiously. “I liked her a lot. A lot, a lot. I really thought...I mean, I was young, but I still think—what if, you know?” Hyejin shook her head and cleared . “Sorry, I digress.”

 

“No, it’s okay. You’ve...never mentioned this before,” Byulyi said, treading carefully.

 

“Honestly, it’s been, what, five years? Six? Seven? But, I don’t know. What’s the point of bringing it up? Anyway, it’s all over now. The reason we broke up seems so stupid now, but it was exactly that.”

 

“You didn’t feel good enough for her?”

 

Hyejin shook her head, then reached into her purse for her wallet to extract her black credit card. “More accurately, it was this,” she said, holding the offending piece of metal between her fingers.

 

“Your...credit card?”

 

“My money. Well, Daddy’s money, I guess. Not that it matters if I work for it or not. Because of this, she said she was an imposter in my world, and that she didn’t deserve to be with me when she couldn’t give me what I deserved.” Hyejin groaned. “I hated that idea. I mean, what the does that even mean? I didn’t understand how to make her see me. Not her idea of me on that pedestal, but me, just a girl who was super in love and needed her by my side, you know?”

 

Byulyi nodded. “I never understood how to make her feel worthy,” Hyejin continued with a sigh. “I just wanted her to be with me. It was all too much. And you.” She raised her eyes to meet Byulyi’s with renewed ferocity. “You’re pushing her away with your own goddamn expectations, unnie. You worship her like some perfect being, and she can’t live up to it. Nobody can.”

 

Byulyi deflated, burying her face in her hands once more. “I really ed it up, didn’t I?”

 

Hyejin shrugged. “That’s between the two of you. But...and you better not kick me for saying this...I think the problem is that you’re still not realizing that she was ty to you too.”

 

“What? What do you mean?”

 

Hyejin raised a brow. “I’ll let you think about that one. What I’m saying is that I think you should try to talk to her if you want to reconcile, but only if can see her for who she is and be able to accept all of it. You have to work through the bull, unnie. You have to help each other, or else nothing will change.”

 

“But I...I don’t know. I think I could’ve...tried harder to tell her how I felt?”

 

“Ugh, don’t. Please,” Hyejin said, dismissing her with an impatient flick of her hand. “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself for a relationship that involves two people. It’s ing dumb.”

 

Byulyi slunk back in her seat. “You could soften that up just a little bit,” she grumbled.

 

“I bought you ice cream,” Hyejin said, sticking out her tongue. “Now, get your stuff. We’re going for a walk.”

 

Byulyi’s stomach hadn’t stopped roiling. All the time in the world couldn’t dissipate these nerves, but she felt restless too.

 

As she opened her wallet to pay, her fingers brushed against a white and green business card. Her heart skipped. No, no, she just felt a little restless.

 

A walk would be good for her.

 

A walk and some time to sort out her emotions would fix everything.

 

What else could she do?

 

Once outside, Hyejin nudged her shoulder. “Well, unnie? Do you want her back?”

 

Byulyi squinted up at the bright blue sky. A gentle breeze blew by. Her skin felt a little dry. “Of course I do,” she replied distractedly. “Just don’t know what I’ll do if I can get her back. Don’t want to keep screwing this up.”

 

It was her honest answer, but it seemed an impossible task. Besides, Hyejin said Yongsun had been ty to her too.

 

She shoved her hand in a pocket, brows furrowed in thought.

 

“Even with all her flaws?”

 

But what flaws?

 

Sure, Yongsun was a little late sometimes, but maybe she was just early. She could be short-tempered with her too, especially after long hours, but she worked hard and maybe Byulyi tried too hard to monopolize her affection. And yes, she wasn’t good at talking about her feelings, but neither was she. Surely, they’ve hurt each other a hundred times in their own way, but that’s what a relationship is like, right?

 

These aren’t flaws. They’re…

 

Byulyi stopped.

 

“Excuses. I’m making excuses for her.”

 

Hyejin turned around. “Finally. You get it,” she said with a grin. “Maybe if you ask her what she wants once in a while instead of trying to guess, it’d be a lot easier for both of you.”

 

“Oh god, how?” Byulyi moaned into her hands as she crouched down again, “what do I say to her?”

 

“I don’t know. Just tell her what you want.”

 

But what did she want?

 

From the beginning, there were only two things she’d allowed herself to want: for Yongsun to allow her the opportunity to devote herself to her, and for Yongsun to quit her job at the club. Even now, it seemed unrealistic to simply march up to the hospital and demand these things, especially when dancing is her main source of income.

 

She simply couldn’t ask her to quit. Could she? No, she had to be supportive.

 

Hyejin’s voice cut in again. “Have you ever thought about what you want?”

 

“I want to know why she dumped me,” she said, the first thing she felt comfortable enough to say. That much was true.

 

“That’s a start.”

 

An hour later, they arrived, much to Byulyi’s horror and confusion, at the hospital. It was almost noon—maybe they would run into her. Or maybe they wouldn’t, and they’d miss each other completely. Byulyi didn’t know which option she preferred. All she knew was that it was getting harder and harder to think above the noise of her erratic thoughts and rapid pulse.

 

Hyejin placed a hand on her shoulder, as calm as ever. “Relax, unnie, just say you want to talk. Set up a time and place, then get out of her way.”

 

“Y-yeah. Okay,” she mumbled. She turned to Hyejin with pleading eyes. “You’ll be here, right? You’ll stay with me?”

 

“Of course. Where else would I go?”

 

They followed the signage to the maternity ward, where the walls became increasingly pastel.

 

“I don’t know. You know, you have the tendency to disappear on me for beautiful women,” Byulyi said, rolling her eyes when she caught Hyejin smiling and waving to a young nurse in that exact moment.

 

Hyejin chuckled. “Nothing wrong with being friendly, unnie.”

 

Byulyi’s retort was at the tip of her tongue, but was swallowed at the sound of a familiar voice from behind her. “Byulyi? What are you doing here?”

 

Byulyi spun around, her stomach plummeting.

 

Fortunately, it was the wrong chestnut hair and the wrong pink cheeks.

 

“Oh.” A breath of relief escaped her lips. “Hi, again,” Byulyi said with a sheepish smile.

 

Before her, with her hands on her hips, was Wheein. They hadn’t met on the friendliest of terms, but she was caught off-guard by the coldness of her empty stare. “What are you doing here?” she asked flatly.

 

“I’m looking for Yongsun.”

 

Wheein shook her head. “She’s not here today.”

 

Byulyi waited for an elaboration, but Wheein did not seem to be thrilled to give her any more information than that. She simply stared, as if studying ways to make her uncomfortable.

 

“W-well, um,” Byulyi murmured, shifting her weight to her other leg, “thanks...I guess?” She turned to Hyejin. “Hyejin, should we…” Byulyi trailed off at the expression on Hyejin’s face. Her eyes were wide, her jaw comically unhinged. She had been uncharacteristically still for a couple of minutes. “Uh, are you okay?”

 

She had been boring into the side of Wheein’s face until the young med student noticed the attention. She turned, her face slowly mirroring the exact same shock on Hyejin’s face.

 

Wheein was the first to speak, though she could not manage above a whisper. “H-Hyejin?”

 

“W-wow. Wheein. It’s...it’s you. Wow.”

 

Byulyi glanced between the two women. “Do you know each other?” She asked.

 

Hyejin nodded stiffly.

 

Wheein shook her head, dispelling whatever tension there existed in the air. “I better get back to work,” she said quickly.

 

“No! Wait, Wheein. Don’t go yet. Please.”

 

“I...can’t,” Wheein replied quietly. “Goodbye, Hyejin.”

 

“Wait, Wheein. Please!”

 

As she left, Hyejin ran after her, leaving Byulyi to her own thoughts. Seeing the raw emotion on Hyejin’s face, she couldn’t even be annoyed at her for breaking her promise. Alone, she paced up and down the hallway, thinking about Hyejin, Wheein and Yongsun. She’d never seen her proud friend bend so quickly before. While Hyejin kept her mostly in the dark about her relationships, she had always seen her with different women, always seen her confident and just the right amount of aloof. Though she had spent so many years admiring her for that, suddenly it all felt wrong somehow.

 

That vulnerability...is that what Yongsun wanted?

 

She stopped pacing.

 

Did Yongsun want her back?

 

Did she even want her to ask?

 

The young nurse from earlier approached her with concern. She mumbled something and walked over to the waiting room, where she sank down in a plastic chair, head swimming as she clutched the armrests in either side.

 

She wanted her back more than anything. She wanted to try again. In spite of the anxiety and the panic, she couldn’t remember being happier than she’d been in the last two short months. Yongsun was sweet and thoughtful when she had the time, and even when she didn’t, the way she simply curled up next to her at the end of the night made her feel wanted, needed. But instead of succumbing to the warmth Yongsun had to offer, she had wasted every one of those moments hoping each second wouldn’t be her last.

 

Their relationship sparked quickly, but that didn’t mean it had to fizzle out quickly, right?

 

She badly wanted her back, but could she risk going against Yongsun’s wishes? Could she do anything differently?

 

“Hey.”

 

Hyejin’s voice ripped her from her thoughts. She looked up at her friend, whose flushed skin and red-rimmed eyes matched her own.

 

“Are you okay?” Byulyi said, relaxing her grip on the armrests. Her fingers felt sore—how long had she been gripping it like this?

 

“Oh. Yeah.” Hyejin cleared . “She didn’t want to see me, obviously, and I just...got overwhelmed I guess. Might need some time to...process it all?”

 

“Is she…”

 

Hyejin nodded, a small, sad smile hanging from her lips in recognition. “Yeah. The one that got away.” She took a deep breath, and ran a trembling hand through her hair. “So, unnie, what are you thinking? Do you want to let her go and regret it for the rest of your life like me?” Her wry smile was the saddest expression Byulyi had ever seen.

 

“I-it’s not too late, right?” Byulyi whispered. “F-for you?”

 

Hyejin sighed heavily. “I don’t know. I think...I’m going to keep fighting for what feels right. I have to. Even if it’s just to say that I tried as hard as I could. I just...don’t know how right now.” She dropped into the chair beside Byulyi, her hands catching her face in her hands with a groan. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

 

Byulyi reached over to wrap an arm around her friend in an awkward embrace. “It’ll be okay,” she said, her hair and hoping it was comforting. “We’re all just messy human beings.”

 

Hyejin lifted her head with a sniff. “Ugh, I better make an emergency appointment with my therapist tonight,” she mumbled.

 

Byulyi lifted her head from Hyejin’s shoulder in shock. “You have a therapist?”

 

Hyejin looked over and raised her brow. “I’m a womanizing disappointment who parties all the time with my family’s fortune because I don’t have any real responsibilities or ambitions. What do you think?”

 

Byulyi chuckled nervously. “That you’re living the life?”

 

Hyejin scoffed. “No. I see my therapist twice a week, unnie. Behind this cool, beautiful exterior is a mansion full of monsters,” she said, presenting herself proudly.

 

“Well, for the record, I don’t think you’re a disappointment,” Byulyi said, ruffling Hyejin’s hair. “You’re pretty much the coolest person I know and if it weren’t for you, I probably would’ve died at Yongsun’s doorstep by now.”

 

“Thanks,” Hyejin replied, smacking her hand away with a grin. “But just because I’m cool as hell, it doesn’t mean I don’t need help sometimes. Especially with this,” she waved a hand, “whole situation. I just...don’t trust my own head to do what’s right sometimes.”

 

“Yeah...I can understand that.”

 

That evening, Byulyi sat in the living room in the dark with the business card balanced on her fingertips. For several long moments, she stared at it, smoothing out the creases, her heart thumping. She could barely see the numbers that she had by now memorized.

 

I’m going to get her back, she told herself with a shaky breath. She the worn-down corners, thinking about all the things Yongsun deserved.

 

Love, security, warmth—she deserved someone who loved herself, so she wouldn’t have to work doubletime. Someone who loved enough for both of them. Someone who wasn’t so damned afraid all the time, and could help her weather the stormiest times with grace and understanding. Someone to grow alongside her beautiful spirit. All the things that could make her better, make her happier.

 

And Byulyi...wasn’t that person. With far too many tangled doubts, personal demons, and personified insecurities in her head, she could never be that person. Not yet. But she wanted to be.

 

And not just pretend to be.

 

Maybe, she thumbed the business card, this could be a start.

 

---

 

PRESENT

 

Byulyi palmed her shorts to rub the sweat off them, but everything around her felt damp. Bodies rose out of their seats and pushed around her to get closer to the stage—she could barely breathe. She tried to tune out the noise.

 

Just inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

Her gaze drew to the stage, where several women swung up and down the poles, by this time topless. The men and women around her cheered, the excitement in their veins not quite in synch with Byulyi’s. All she felt was anxiety as she glanced at her watch.

 

You can do it, she told herself. It’s almost time.

 

Suddenly, the music changed, and the crowd’s enthusiasm shot through her eardrums. She ignored it, instead rising to her feet and pushing herself through the crowd, unapologetically fighting for her space at the very front of the stage. She ignored the voices and the bodies trying to pull her away. She planted her feet and took her place.

 

The lights dimmed and there she was—Kim Yongsun. Byulyi’s breath caught in , eyes riveted by her form. As beautiful as she ever was.

 

She watched as she swung up the pole, muscles rippling for all to see. She spun, as powerful as she ever was.

 

Electricity surged through her skin and to the tips of every hair as she watched the way she moved, as she watched the way people’s adoration landed around her. Every private performance flashed through her mind, every shy smile replaced by an alluring half-lidded smirk she didn’t recognize. And yet she was as enraptured as everyone else. As in love as she had been on the first night four months ago.

 

None of these people could understand how lucky they were.

 

She closed her eyes and took a breath in attempt to diffuse the jealousy.

 

When she opened then again, Yongsun was looking right at her, expression unreadable. Her eyes were heated, fixated in a way that flooded her with warmth as she peeled off the first layer. Byulyi swallowed. It felt like she shouldn’t be here. Or maybe all of these other people shouldn’t be here.

 

No, she couldn’t watch.

 

She sent Yongsun one last smile, then disappeared back into the crowd.

 

Two hours later, Byulyi rubbed her hands outside the side door, enjoying the chilly night air and muted bass of the music inside. She couldn’t remember feeling this exhausted in a long time. Every time the door creaked open, she was hit by disappointment at the sight of smokers, lovers, and everything between. Maybe she should go home.

 

She tugged her jacket closer. The door squealed open, the grating metal on metal by now a constant every few minutes. She rubbed her eyes and yawned.

 

“Byul?”

 

Byulyi spun, so fast she nearly lost her footing, palming the wall for support.

 

Kim Yongsun.

 

Now that she was so close, dried and her words tangled. God, she hoped she wouldn’t screw this up.

 

Now that she was away from the dim, sensuous lighting, Yongsun looked different than the perfect angel in her memory. She was worn at the eyes, her makeup slightly smudged. Her clothes, seemingly three-days fresh, were wrinkled, and her shoulders seemed to sag.

 

And yet, she was as radiant as ever.

 

“I thought I saw you,” she said, smiling brightly. Byulyi’s heart ached—she had missed that smile. “Did you come to, um...see the show?”

 

Byulyi shook her head, her cheeks pink. “I came to see you. I-I mean not your show. Just you. Though your show was great too, of course. I just...I’m just here waiting for you.”

 

“Oh. Well, I’m...I’m very happy to see you.” Yongsun tugged her hair behind her ears. “I-I know I was unfair to you, but you were...I was...you know? I-I’m sorry we never spoke.”

 

Byulyi shoved her hands into her pocket and sighed. “I get it. I do. I know I wasn’t...myself, I guess? I guess I could’ve reached out too, found out why you left in the first place, though I could guess. I think...neither of us were ready. I...I’ve been...trying. To get better. Feel better.”

 

“Well, I’m glad you’re doing alright,” Yongsun mumbled distractedly. “I mean, I hope you’re doing alright. Is it because, um...a-are you...seeing anyone new?” Yongsun covered her eyes with her hand. “Dammit, that was too obvious, wasn’t it?”

 

Byulyi laughed. “I kind of thought we were still up in the air,” she said, with a sheepish smile. “That’s why I came. When you left, you said you were trying to figure out if you made the right decision. So...did you?”

 

“That depends,” Yongsun said, crossing her arms, then dropping them, clearly uncomfortable. “Do you...hate me for what happened?”

 

Byulyi shrugged, feigning nonchalance. Then, taking a deep breath, she pushed her courage forward and held her eyes. “Maybe,” she said. She shook her head. “Yes. I want to say yes, but I’m still trying to figure it all out. Me, you. I spent so long thinking it was my fault, and I was angry. For the first week, I didn’t really know what to do with the anger. I mean, I spent so long thinking you couldn’t be wrong, and it was all me. And it was...mostly me, I guess,” she said, fidgeting with her cuff, “Its slow going but...the truth is, I’ve been...getting help for a while, and it’s been...good for me. At least, look,” she withdrew her hands from her pockets and held them with a grin up for the other woman to see, “no gifts. It’s a start, right? The rest...I don’t know. I don’t want to dwell.”

 

“Oh, Byul, I’m sorry,” Yongsun murmured. She stepped forward, then back.

 

Byulyi shook her head. “No, to some degree, this is about me. Even if it were someone else, it would’ve been the same. I’m just...glad it wasn’t someone else.” She flashed a small smile that was reflected in kind. “We both had our issues, but you really did make me happy for the most part. And no matter what the outcome, I’m finally ready to tell you that. Some of the things you did wasn’t right, but I made mistakes too. If we...if you want to...start over, I...want a clean slate.”

 

They fell into silence, Byulyi’s pulse running faster than she thought was possible. Yongsun kept her eyes on the floor. Byulyi waited, trepidation drumming in her heart. Maybe she said too much. Maybe she should go. Maybe—no, Byulyi, just wait, she told herself. Stop guessing.

 

Finally, Yongsun sighed. “I...would be lying if I didn’t think about you at all in the last two months. I was a mess, and I didn’t know what to do. I was a coward too...even though I couldn’t think of any other way. I just...I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time...but I...I still wondered.”

 

Byulyi stared down at her shoes. “I put a lot on you, didn’t I?”

 

“And a lot on yourself,” Yongsun said quietly. “I...was tired. Have been for quite some time. And I’m just...I’m sorry for how I handled it in the end.”

 

Byulyi nodded slowly. She took a deep breath and met her eyes. “The important thing is...are you happy, now?”

 

Yongsun laughed. “I don’t know,” she said, her tone contemplative and her eyes wistful as they bore into Byulyi’s. “Are you?”

 

Byulyi shook her head, and reached for Yongsun’s sleeve. “No, but I hope to change that someday. With your help, if I’m lucky. If not”—she smiled—“I’ll find a way. I...I’m not asking for anything. I just want you to know that I...I missed you, Yongsun. And a chance, maybe, to start over from the beginning.”

 

Yongsun blushed. Her other hand wrapped around Byulyi’s, tugging it away from her jacket and entangling her fingers with her own. “I missed you too,” came her quiet confession. She stepped closer and leaned in to plant a kiss on Byulyi’s cheek. “Thank you...for finding me again.”

 

Byulyi’s heart skipped. Then...is that a yes, can we start over? Can we just...learn from our mistakes and start fresh? Could this be it? What about all the messes she was bound to create? What about everything that could go wrong?

She silenced those thoughts and s her arms around Yongsun’s back, pulling her close and wrapping her up in an embrace. What if this was the last time? Her insecurity asked. To her surprise, she wasn’t nervous. No, this was a beginning, not an end.

 

This felt right.

 

She laid her chin on the crook of Yongsun’s shoulder. Yongsun tightened her grip around her in response. Their heartbeats were out of synch but still the rhythm was mesmerizing.

 

This was it.

 

A second chance at happiness.

 

“Kim Yongsun, do you want to split a pizza with me?”

 

Yongsun snuggled closer still. “I thought you'd never ask.”

 

---

Notes: Woah, are you as surprised to see me as I am to see you? After releasing Take You To Heaven, really felt like something was missing from that story. Maybe it was the rush of romance and the rapid-fire pace. It bothered me, so I got to work right away on a sequel. Sorry this wasn't as fluffy as some might expect!

To tell you the truth, my friend and I had been discussing therapy for a little while (money and accessability here in China is a bit of an issue, however). As queer women, we were talking about how we become so used to bearing the weight of our realities alone. There are times where I'm really not okay, but I make excuses and I pour it into writing or some other hobbies. I think I'm a very open person, and I think I'm quite emotionally intuned to myself, but there is this fear of vulnerability that exists in all of us. I think everyone could benefit from a little counselling once in a while. I hope one day we can break the stigma and make it A-OK to ask for help. 

With Byul, I wanted to create a character that can reflect that. She's a bit of a charicature, but I think many people have felt this way before, where you're so desperately wanting to be loved that you'd be willing to do anything.

So, readers, whether you're queer or not, I just want to say: you're important too. 

I hope you enjoyed this story and that you've taken a moment to appreciate how awesome you are today :)

Oh, and don't worry. I'm sure wheesa will get their happy ending too at some point ;)