“Hooo~” I sighed in disbelief. It’s 5pm already. It was a busy yet gloomy day. We spent the whole day filming. All I saw were the staffs, cameras and all those filming stuffs, it was almost sickening. I miss Korea and all those fans who would watch us film and cheer on us. It’s boring without Cassiopeia. I never thought filming in a restricted area has its disadvantages. I always thought I would be at peace. This proved me wrong.

“Catch!” I instantly moved to catch the bottle of water Yoochun brought. I was ready to catch it anytime. Maybe it has become a habit. Yoochun always throw it when offering water. And yeah, it’s not what YooSu shippers think.  Yoochun will never feed me water sweetly. Though we share the same bottle sometimes, it’s not what they think, we’re not gay for each other. You may want to call it brotherly love. Or bromance.

“Sunset-tu?” I asked, alarmed. Good thing I was lost in my thoughts, or else I would forever be alone in the garden near the pool. I didn’t know I was concentrating a lot on  my thoughts so as not to hear Jaejoong hyung’s “Lets watch the sunset together.” repeated again and again.

“Are you coming or not? Lets watch the sunset together.” Hyung raised his voice.

“KIM JUNSU! I’ll repeat this for the last time-“ I smiled hearing it, my eyes still staring blankly to the ground.

“I’ll come hyung.”

I don’t know why I’m like this. Weird. I don’t have the spirit, I should say. We went to the beach and watched the beautiful sunset. Beautiful, I honestly don’t know if it’s really beautiful. I wasn’t paying attention, truthfully.

“Neour Baraboda (Looking at the sunset)” I beamed as I remembered the song I made a few years ago. It’s MV was the one we filmed when we were in Saipan. I pictured the five of us in my mind with happy smiles painted on our faces. Oh, how I miss us together. I smiled at the thought of our happy memories. It still feels like yesterday. Those great days…

FLASHBACK --- August 2009

All five of us were silently eating dinner together when suddenly, an alarm on Changmin’s phone broke the silence. Changmin checked his phone and a mischievous smile formed on his face as he glanced at Yunho hyung. The two of them then looked at the three of us, smiling from ear to ear.  To be honest, they looked creepy smiling like that, especially Changmin with his mismatched eyes. We intently glared at the two of them back, wondering about what they were up to. As expected, they just responded to our glares with a light chuckle. Changmin then the TV, went back to the table and looked at us.

“We have a surprise for you in 5…4…3…2…1!”

As soon as Changmin and Yunho hyung yelled out the number 1, “Noeur...Baraboda” started playing on TV and they weren’t just playing the song. They were airing the music video for “Noeur...Baraboda” for the first time.

We were stunned for a while but Jaejoong hyung broke the silence.

“They’re premiering it today?” Jaejoong hyung asked as he gobbled on his chicken.

“Well, duh!” Changmin retorted as-a-matter-of-factly

“Ya Changmin! You can’t talk like that to your hyung!” Yunho hyung reprimanded.

Jaejoong hyung let out a childish merong which Changmin pouted at.

The three of them continued bickering and I couldn’t help but smile as I look at them. They really did look like a family: Jaejoong the mother, Yunho the father and Changmin, their rebellious son. No wonder a lot of fans ship them. I looked at my left and realized that Yoochun wasn’t sitting beside me on the table anymore. I scanned the room and I spotted him crouching on the sofa with his eyes fixated on the TV screen that was airing our music video. I walked up to him so that I could annoy him but I saw something sparkling in his eyes.

“Oh! Yoochun’s crying!” I announced as I spotted a tear falling down Yoochun’s cheeks.

“Ya! I’m not!”

“Yes you are! You’re such a crybaby!” I continued teasing.

“Shut up! You duck !” Yoochun said as he playfully strangled my neck.

“Well at least, I don’t have a wide forehead!”

“Ohoho! Yoochun’s crying again? You shouldn’t cry Yoochun-ah. You should be like me. Act like a real man. YAH!” Yunho hyung said with a really weird voice.

Yoochun just stared at hyung, his eyes basically saying, “I respect you hyung, but you’re weird! Get away from me!”

Yunho hyung ignored Yoochun and he continued with his weird antics. He ran around the the inside of our dorm, punching thin air and yelling “I’M BRUCE LEE!” and “Yoochun-ah! Come join me! HaiiiiiYA!” If only fans could see this side of him. They probably wouldn’t believe their eyes. But this is the way it is, the charismatic leader on stage and in front of the  camera turns into child-like goofball at home.

So basically, this is what’s happening: Yoochun and I are bickering in front of the TV, Changmin and Jaejoong hyung are doing their infamous “one shots” to each other on the kitchen and Yunho hyung is running around, acting like a weirdo.

Like always, the five of us were enjoying each other’s company and we were having too much fun that we didn’t even realize that the music video ended.

All I could remember from that day were our genuine happy smiles. Jaejoong hyung, Yocchun and I were already in the midst of a lawsuit at that time but the five of us were still together. Yunho hyung and Changmin were still there to support us. We were still teasing and making fun of each other like there was nothing wrong. Its painful recalling such memory because I know that it’s a memory that we would never have a chance to make again.

----- FLASHBACK END -----

“Ya! Do you want your coconut water or not!?” Yoochun’s voice was vibrating in my ears.

“What the hell! Do you really have to shout in my ears!” I screamed at him.

“You’re fault for spacing out. Now, do you want this or not!?” He gave me an impatient look as he handed me a coconut husk with a straw and coconut water inside.

I took the load off his hand without saying a word.

“So what were you  thinking about?” Jaejoong hyung asked as he sat beside us on the beach.

“Probably just stupid duckbutt things. What do duckbutts think about anyway?” Yoochun butted in.

“Aniya. I was just reminiscing about the five of u----s.” Stupid. Why did I answer that question so tactlessly. Urrgh. “Uhh…I mean…you know.” I tried to avoid the awkward situation but I failed. Now, the three of us are stuck in awkward silence.

Why does this always happen when we talk about the two of them? It’s so annoying. We used to be so lively while talking about our members but now, we’re like this. I wonder what would have happened if the three of us didn’t leave TVXQ. Aniya. I mentally shook my head. Things wouldn’t be much better if we stayed.

FLASBACK----- December 2009

“I will not allow you to leave!” Yunho hyung shouted. “I don’t care about what SM says. YOU ARE NOT LEAVING!”

“It’d be better for all of us if we leave.” Jaejoong hyung responded calmly.

The two of them were arguing about the fact that the three of us were leaving the dorm. Honestly, we don’t want to leave. It took us several sleepless nights of talking before we came up with our decision. If we don’t leave, it’s like we’re shackling ourselves back to SM. We need to break free from SM and in order to do that, we have no choice but to leave. Yoochun arranged this small meeting with Yunho hyung so that we could tell him about our plans. We didn’t bring Changmin because we were afraid that he’d get so upset about this that he would turn violent. We decided to tell Yunho hyung first. Then tell Changmin afterwards. But we didn’t expect Yunho hyung to get really upset about this.

“How is this good for anyone!?” Yunho hyung continued.

“Hyung. Please understand.” Yoochun pleaded to the enraged Yunho hyung but before Yoochun could even say one more word, Yunho hyung made his way to the door which I was blocking.

Yunho hyung looked into my eyes and I into his. His eyes were burning with anger and mine was wet with tears.

“가 Ka!”

“Andwae hyung! Please stay.” I pleaded choking on my tears.

“Funny. That’s what I’m telling you to do too. To stay. But none of us are good at listening, huh?”

----- FLASHBACK END -----

“Well at least you’re over hating them.” Jaejoong hyung’s voice snapped me back to reality. He flashed me a smile and proceeded to ruffling my hair.

I’m exhausted. Too many bad things are happening. I can’t take it anymore.

I broke down on my bed as I let the tears that I have been holding in for so long flow down my cheeks.