“Changmin-ah”, Jaejoong hyung repeated. Oh. How I miss that voice. I wanted to talk but I can’t find the right words. Seeing them, hearing their voices, knowing that they’re right in front of me, I just want to run up to them and tell them how much I miss them. I want to beg them to come back to TVXQ – to us – to Yunho hyung and me. I want them back so bad but I bit my lips as I remembered that time, almost two years ago – the night of our last performance as 5 and the day after that – the day they left us.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

FLASHBACK ----- December 31, 2009 – Japan

In the car en route to Kohaku Uta Gassen set ------ “Finally, our last performance of the year! So when’s our next schedule?”, I inquisitively asked as I reached out to the gloves compartment to take out our schedule and check it. “So me, Yunho hyung and –“ I scanned our entire schedule and look at the members. “Why isn’t there any schedule for Jaejoong hyung, Junsu hyung and Yoochun hyung?” No one answered. They were all silent with their head hung low. I have a bad feeling about this.

 “Yoochun hyung, are you going on vacation or something? There aren’t even schedules for dance practice or singing lessons.”

 Yoochun hyung bit his lips before answering, “It’s s-something like that.”

“Something like that? What do you mean?”, I asked raising an eyebrow.

“It’s uh…ermm…”

I could sense that Yoochun hyung was nervous. He couldn’t find the right words to answer my question. I patiently waited for his answer when suddenly Yunho hyung answered instead, “They’re leaving us, Changmin!”

“Leaving us?”, I looked at Yunho hyung.

“They won’t be coming back,” Yunho hyung hesitated then continued “…for a long time.”

Leaving us? They won’t come back? These words echoed in my ear. These were simple words but for some reason, it took me a whole minute to fully understand it.  When I finally did, I stood up from my seat and bumped my head on the car roof. It hurts a lot but I didn’t mind the pain. I looked at Jaejoong hyung, Junsu hyung and Yoochun hyung, “YOU’RE LEAVING? WHAT’LL BECOME OF TVXQ THEN? WHAT ABOUT CASSIOPEIA? BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT ABOUT ME AND YUNHO HYUNG? YOU’RE JUST GONNA LEAVE US LIKE THIS?”

“Stop it Changmin!”, Yunho hyung ordered with a commanding voice.

“AND YOU,” I looked at Yunho hyung. “YOU ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT THIS? AND YOU’RE OKAY WITH IT!? HOW COME I DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING!? WHERE WAS I WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT THIS!?!

“You knew about it Changmin. You know all about the that’s going on right now.”

“YEAH, I KNOW ABOUT THE CRAP WITH SM BUT NO ONE EVER MENTIONED ABOUT THE LEAVING PART!”

“You knew it was going to happen sooner or later!”, Junsu hyung raised his voice.

“Don’t yell at him.”, Yunho hyung reprimanded.

“He started it!”

“Well it was your fault for not telling him sooner!”

“Well, wasn’t it you who was supposed to tell him?” Yoochun hyung said as he pointed to Yunho hyung.

“But of course I get all the responsibility!”

They kept on arguing while the manager drove silently. I, on the other hand was on my seat, silent. They were arguing loudly but for some reason, I couldn’t hear them anymore. I could only hear Junsu hyung’s words, echoing in my mind - You knew it was going to happen sooner or later!  Yes, I knew it was going to happen but for it to happen this soon is something that I never expected. It’s something that I can’t accept.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xgedi8_dbsk-stand-by-u-kouhaku-2009-rom-eng-karaoke-sub_music

-----

January 1, 2010 – 03:55 AM

I haven’t slept a wink. I kept on reminiscing about our memories as five and my mind was also clouded with thoughts and worries on our separation. My throat felt dry so I walked towards the kitchen to drink a cup of water. As I drank from the bottle of water, I looked through the interior of our dorm. This house would not be same without them. It’ll be quiet, peaceful and lonely. Suddenly, my gaze fell on the neatly packed luggage by the door. I had this sudden urge of wanting to unpack everything in there but I stopped myself. If they want to leave, then they can leave. If they can leave me and Yunho hyung, then I won’t care. I relaxed on the sofa then dozed off.

I woke up to the sound of Yunho hyung’s voice. “Changmin-ah. Wake up!” I sit up, rubbing my eyes, I checked the wall clock. It was already half past eight. I looked over Yunho hyung’s shoulder and I saw my other three hyungs by the door with their luggage.

“Yunho hyung, Changmin-ah, we’re leaving now.”, Yoochun hyung announced in a soft voice, almost in a whisper.

I didn’t respond and Yunho hyung just sat beside me, also silent.

“Yunho, please take care of our maknae. And Changmin, make sure Yunho eat all his meals and don’t make him overwork himself.” Jaejoong hyung said trying to hold back his tears.

“Keep in touch, okay? Maybe we can play soccer together the next time we see each other.” Junsu hyung tried his best to sound happy but tears were already streaming down his face.

“We’re sorry about yesterday.” Yoochun hyung apologized.

“We underst-“ I cut-off  what Yunho hyung was saying and stood up.

“LIAR!” I yelled. “If you’re really sorry then why are you still leaving?!”

“Changmin, stop it.” Yunho hyung stood up and whispered to my ears.

“I CAN’T HYUNG!” My temper started flaring up again. “They’re leaving us. They clearly don’t care about us anymore! They’re abandoning us! They’re running away and leaving us with the entire burden!”

“Don’t you think you’re being too much Changmin!” Yoochun hyung reprimanded. “Leaving doesn’t mean we’re abandoning you. Leaving doesn’t mean we don’t care! We care a lot and no matter what happens, we’re still your hyungs, you can’t yell at us like this!”

Our argument started again. It started with me and Yoochun hyung. Then, Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung joined in. After a while, Junsu hyung was also arguing with us.

Like that, we separated with our hearts in pain. What hurt more was that the last words that we told each other were I HATE YOU.

----- FLASHBACK END -----

_______________________________________________________________________________________

“Changmin-ah, what’s wrong?”, Junsu hyung’s worried tone snapped me back to reality. I must have been really immersed in reminiscing since I didn’t even notice Jaejoong hyung and Junsu hyung walking up to me. They were standing so close next to me at the door that I felt stupid for not noticing them.

Suddenly, Jaejoong hyung reached up to my face, “Why are you crying, Changmin?”

Crying? I’m crying? Wait! What!?

I slapped Jaejoong hyung’s hand off my face and started touching it. Wet. Damn it Shim Changmin, how could you not notice your tears! I can’t look like this in front them. They left me and Yunho hyung. I’m supposed to hate them, not show this weak side of mine. I need to get out of here!

I pushed Junsu hyung who was blocking the doorway and dashed out.  I could hear Junsu hyung and Jaejoong hyung’s voice calling out my name but I didn’t dare look back. You hate them Shim Changmin. They left you. You hate them. I reminded myself and I kept on repeating these words as I made my way back to our room.

When I arrived at our room, it was empty. I sighed in relief. It was better this way. If Yunho hyung was here, it would be really hard to explain everything especially with these tears that never seem to stop. But as soon as I thought of this, the door burst open and a smiling Yunho hyung came up to me.

“Changmin-ah, look what I got – mangoes! They’re really good. You should try some.”, Yunho hyung greeted with an awfully huge grin on his face but his happy smile turned to a worried look  when he noticed me sitting on the bed with my head hung low, tears still streaming down my face. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt somewhere?” I didn’t respond. Yunho hyung knelt down in front of me. He neatly arranged my hair so it wouldn’t cover my face. Then he started to wipe away my tears.

 “You saw them?”, Yunho hyung asked with a gentle tone.

 I just nodded.

“…so did you greet them warmly?”

I shook my head.

“Then, did you cry like this in front of them?”

I nodded.

“Did you heart start hurting when you saw them?”

I nodded again.

“Were you hurt because looking at them makes you remember all those bad memories or was it because…you miss them?”

I didn’t answer.

“You miss them, don’t you?”

 “I hate them”, I answered. “…for leaving us.”

Yunho hyung stood up and ruffled my hair, “No, you don’t.”

For a moment, I was silent but remembering all the pain that Yunho hyung and I went through because they left us, I stood up, wiped away my tears and announced, “Yes I do!” My face was only a few inches from Yunho hyung’s and I can see clearly that he’s trying to hide his pained expression. “Why are you always doing this to yourself hyung? You always comfort me like this when I’m sad but aren’t you the one who’s more hurt? I know very well that you hate them as much as I do for leaving us. You’re the leader who was left with the entire burden. So why are you being like this? Why are you never showing your real emotions? If you hate them, then hate them. If you miss them, then say it. You miss them, don’t you?”

“I don’t. I don’t miss them at all. And I don’t hate them Changmin and neither do you. We – We can’t hate them. I can’t hate them. No matter how hard I try, I could never bring myself to hate them. Besides, missing them and hating them doesn’t change anything.”

“You don’t miss them!? Ha! You can’t lie to me hyung. You may say that but your actions say otherwise. During those early days of separation, you barely ate your meals because it was nothing like Jaejoong hyung’s cooking. You also drank a lot during those times. Once, while you were drunk, I asked you why you’re drinking too much and you told me it was because everytime you drink by yourself, you’d imagine that you were drinking with Jaejoong hyung and Yoochun hyung and you’d also imagine the innocent Junsu hyung scolding you for drinking too much and lecturing you about how bad alcohol is for the body. You’d also lock yourself in your room and watch a bunch of old clips featuring us as five. And everytime you do that, I could always hear silent sobs coming from your room. And do you know why I hate them?” I paused, looked at Yunho hyung then continued.

“It’s because they indirectly made us suffer a lot by leaving. I couldn’t even count the number of times that we fainted from exhaustion after practicing and rehearsing nonstop. Because there were only two of us left, we needed to drastically improve our singing and dancing skills. We practiced from early morning to late at night. At times, we even forget to eat.” I stopped when I saw a tear drop from Yunho hyung’s eyes. Before long, Yunho hyung’s face was already covered with tears. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. Then Yunho hyung’s arms reached out to me and hugged me.

“D-don’t hate them Changmin. P-please don’t. I miss them. I miss them a lot. See? I’m saying it now so please just don’t hate them.” Yunho hyung was sobbing as he kept on repeating these words to me.  I didn’t know what to do. I just hugged him back. I miss them too Yunho hyung and I don’t like hating on them but… Before I knew it, tears started falling down my cheeks as well. As gay as it may sound, we stayed like that for a long time – hugging and comforting each other as we reminisce about the good old days when Dong Bang Shin Ki were still five.