WARNING! ANGSTY AND DEPRESSING

Also! Completely fictional work! Not my thoughts regarding Byunghun or his leaving at all. This is written from someone else's perspective not mine. Please do not misunderstand. 

Dear Byunghun,

It’s been a month now. I know I’m crazy, but I still expect you to come back. After everything that happened I really do think you’ll come back. It makes me feel pathetic to feel that way, it makes my insides curl over themselves in shame and disgust at myself. But I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to stop waiting.

I know I’ll never send this letter to you but I needed to say some things. Things I didn’t get to say before you left. When I find myself waiting for you to come back the things I should have said come screaming into my mind. They torment me so much I think I’m going actually crazy. The words are so loud in my brain that if I let them out of my mouth my throat would tear and my ears would bleed.

I need to get these words out of me. So I’ll write you this letter.

Do you remember that night in the car? We’re sitting in the back seat while Minsu drives. We’re in a tunnel. Yellow slashes of light keep falling on and off your face. I was staring at you. Tunnels always feel like magic. Like a moment in another world, another universe, another reality. And you were sitting beside me, each time the light falls on you I whispered something in my mind, something for your mind to hear, if only it was listening.

Flash: You’re beautiful.

Flash: You’re perfect.

Flash: I love you.

Did your mind hear me then? You turned and smiled at me, pulling your hat on to hide from the broken lights. Your face just darkness beneath it.

The tunnel finished and we came into the moonlight again.

Did your mind hear me? Did you hear me and just not care? Did you know?

I wish I had asked. I wish my voice was strong enough to say the things my mind could only whisper. I wish you could answer me.

Dear Byunghun,

I thought of another thing to say to you. Another question you never answered.

Are you happy? Were you ever happy? You would laugh, but every single time it would fall away at the end, like at the edge of your laughter there was a huge abyss. Your warm laugh would suddenly fall over the edge and a cold look would find you instead. You would hug your arms as though a chill breeze had flown back at you out of the abyss.

Did you know I saw that? Did you know I saw almost everything about you? I saw everything but the important things.

Honestly, it makes me so mad. You were so good at make-believe. When we were young I would always let you make the game up, the adventure we were going on that afternoon, it was always your idea. Even then you were so good at playing pretend. Stalking through the common behind your house, searching for the lost treasure of a traveller. Searching for the clues that would lead us to the next one. You always had the next idea, the next invention for our game. I always watched with fascination as you so effortlessly pretended.

I guess when we got older, I stopped playing and you didn’t. You should have told me. You should have told me we never stopped pretending. I hate that you never told me. I hate that you were so good at the game that I never even knew. I hate that you played the game by yourself. I could have played too. I wanted to be part of it too.

You stupid bastard. I hate you. I hate it.

Dear Byunghun,

I saw you on the street today. Dressed all in black, a baseball cap and bomber jacket. I ran after you. Left Minsu standing there, calling my name, as I chased you down on the street. By the time I got to you, you were gone. Some other person standing there, wearing your clothes.

Minsu caught up, said things, took my arm and led me away again. Sat me down in a café and bought me a cup of tea.

Minsu doesn’t say things when I’m like this. He just sits there, eyes on his hands and waits for me to be ok again. It makes me calm. Sometimes I’m so calm that words pour out of my mouth like water, everything I’m drowning in flows out of my mouth and I can breathe again. He’s a lifejacket.

I’m lost at sea, the sea you left me in. The sea you just disappeared from. You dropped me in here and then left. You should take some responsibility Byunghun. I learnt a new word. Culpable. You’re culpable. You’ve done this to me.

I feel like we traded places. Why do I feel like you swapped your place in this horrid ocean for mine? Why would you do that to me?

I could have been your lifejacket. Not your replacement.

Dear Byunghun,

It’s been a while since I wrote. That day with Minsu, chasing you in the street, something changed that day.

I saw something though, something I wanted to tell you about.

 I’m finished being angry with you, you see. I’ve let that poison drain out of me. I won’t be angry at you anymore. Struggling against anger makes it so much harder to stay afloat in the ocean. It’s like fighting the current while drowning. I won’t do it anymore. Is that what you were doing too?

Anyway, today I was sitting waiting for Minsu. He was coming to have coffee with me, persuading me to leave the house. I was sitting, waiting at the table for him to arrive. Across the room, tucked into a couch was a boy.

He’s just sitting there, looking out the windows. Suddenly though, he jumps up and this smile comes across him. He’s smiling from every part of his body, his lips his eyes his arms, everything. He wraps his arms around the other man, the one he was waiting for as he sat there. They smile into one another’s eyes, kiss one another lightly on the lips and the cheek.

“Hey sweetie,” The boy says, looking up at his partner, still clinging to his shoulders.

“Hey.”

We could have had that. I’m not angry anymore. I’m just sad. We could have been those two people.

I wish you could have seen that. That we could be those people. That there was happiness like that, love like that, sitting right next to you in that car. Speeding through that tunnel. I wish so hard.

Dear Byunghun,

I think this is my last letter. I think I’m finished now. I can’t change your mind. I can’t change what you have done. But I can change myself. I can change the future you’ve left me with.

I miss you Byunghun. I don’t think I ever told you that. In all of these letters I never stopped to tell you that I miss you. I think I’ll always miss you. Some days I miss you so much that I make pointless wishes.

I wish you had told me how you felt. I wish you had asked for help. I wish you had left a letter, a sign, something. I wish you would walk through my front door, moan about me still being in bed at 1 in the afternoon. I wish you would take my hand and play pretend again. I wish you could see us in 20 years, meet our kids and whinge about wanting them to move out already. I wish you hadn’t done it.

But you did. And I miss you.

Tonight Minsu and I went for a drive. We weren’t going anywhere. We had no plan and no destination. We only ever have where we’ve come from.

We were just moving forward. Just driving on and on and on.

We found that tunnel.

We sat together in silence. The lights move around us, stripes of light and dark passing by. Like we weren’t moving but they were.

He reaches over, takes my hand in his, and I hear the whisper. The whisper you missed.

I’m ready now, Byunghun. I’m ready to say it and mean it.

I love you. Goodbye.

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A/N: Uh, yeah, for some reason depressing letters to a dead person came into my mind this morning. I dunno, angst isnt usually my deal but I'm stuck on the Space Opera chapter I'm doing so I wrote this lol.