For Mimiecool <3

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The buzz of the clippers resounded through Jonghyun’s ears. Even with the chaos of noise that Niel and Changhyun were providing, the sound was like his own skull vibrating. With each red-wine lock that was cut, a little of Jonghyun’s own comfortable reality was cut away too.

The life he had known from the age of 15 was all changing. It had changed before, but somehow this felt different. Somehow this change was resonating in his brain and making him want to clap his hands over his ears. He wanted to squeeze his eyes tight shut against it and pretend that it wasn’t happening.

He wanted to keep hearing a nagging voice telling him to go home and get some rest. He wanted to hear a cackling laugh resound through the practice room at the stupid things he did. All he heard was the incessant buzz of the clippers.

Life was moving forward. It always did. Chanhee was leaving and things were going to be different. Why did that have to hurt so much?

He forced his mouth into a smile.

Surely it hurt because Chanhee was first. It was because this was the beginning of something unknown. It was because he had noticed the sadness that crept into Chanhee’s eyes when he thought he wasn’t being watched. None of them wanted him to go.

Jonghyun took the clippers that Changhyun offered and cut away a lock of the soft hair. He passed them back to Chanhee, forcing a smile once more.

He didn’t particularly want to keep a lock of hair. He wanted to keep the whole human. He wanted to keep things the way they were.

He wanted Chanhee here where he was safe and happy. He wanted him here, where their biggest worry was having to half kill themselves learning new choreography.

The job was finished. The stylist finishing up the cut and letting Chanhee up. Hair was spread over the floor between them.

Jonghyun rubbed at the prickles of hair on Chanhee’s head and willed himself to smile. The video was wrapping up. Everyone else was smiling and laughing.

He wandered away from them. His chest hurt. He could hear Niel and Changhyun still shouting and being stupid. He could hear the others organising their rides and drinking parties.

Jonghyun shut himself in the bathroom. He pressed his forehead to the cool mirror and sighed. His eyes were tired, emotion prickling at them. He listened as Changhyun, Niel and Minsu came and went. The silence they left was deafening.

He was left with only the sound of his own breathing. Beneath it, he could hear the crash of glass breaking. The perfect picture he had made was shattering. A pandemonium of colours assaulted him, making his stomach roll.

Jonghyun knocked his head against the mirror. Feeling sorry for himself wouldn’t make the nausea in his bone and ache in his heart any better. He stepped out of the bathroom and shuffled back to the dressing room.

Chanhee was standing alone in front of the mirror. The deep sadness Jonghyun had been catching flashes of was plain on his face.

Things crystallised. The kaleidescope of strange emotion in Jonghyun slid into place and a mosaic appeared. It was the shape of Chanhee. Made of a thousand moments from the last ten years and all falling together in a beautiful picture.

Jonghyun stepped into the room properly.

“Hyung?”

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If he focused on the itch in his ears and nose it made the loss fade for a moment. Chanhee’s neck was prickling. His eyes were sore but he couldn’t decide if it was the hair in them or the sight of his new look in the mirror.

The rest of the cast and crew had filtered out of the dressing room already. They had talked excitedly about meeting for a farewell party. Chanhee had snuck back into the dressing room alone.

His beautiful hair. He was vain enough to acknowledge it had been his favourite feature. He had grown into the habit of fixing it whenever he caught himself in a camera or window. It calmed him, to know it was sitting just-so. Now it was dumped in a bin.

Chanhee sighed and ran his hair over the stubble of what was left. He watched the loose strands flick and flutter away. It was too much.

He didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to give up his freedom. He had already lived a militant life as a young idol, why would he ever want to return to that lifestyle? And now with the added danger of live firearms and people he didn’t know.

Chanhee grimaced. He rarely let himself indulge in the morose thoughts. He was supposed to smile and nod and be ever so humble about his duty. The loss of his hair was too much to fight against them anymore. He didn’t want to go.

“Hyung?” A voice ripped him from his despondent thoughts.

He turned to find Jonghyun standing by the door.

“Oh, Jonghyunnie.” Chanhee attempted to pull himself together. “Did you need something?”

“Yes,” Jonghyun said. He crossed to stand by Chanhee at the mirrors.

Chanhee waited for him to elaborate. He watched the maknae, eyes finally preoccupied with something other than self-pity.

Jonghyun’s plain street clothes always made him look smaller than he was, but now Chanhee could see the broadness of his shoulders and the long legs that Chanhee craved to have. Jonghyun’s own eyes were a little glassy and red, watching Chanhee in the mirror. His mouth was pinched slightly, pursed as though he were on the verge of speaking.

“What did you need?” Chanhee said when the silence stretched too far.

Sadness passed over Jonghyun’s face properly. He turned to look at Chanhee and sighed.

“I’m going to miss you,” Jonghyun said. He reached up and brushed hair from Chanhee’s shoulder.

“I’ll miss you too.” Chanhee forced a smile.

He wondered how convincing it was to the members. They probably saw right through him.

“I wanted to give you something before you go.” Jonghyun’s tone changed. Lower and serious now.

“Hmm?” Chanhee’s eyebrows rose.

They had agreed on no gifts. He didn’t even want to see them beyond that night; it was too painful to know they would all stay together as he had to go.

“Just something small,” Jonghyun said. He stepped closer.

Chanhee looked down. He was expecting Jonghyun to be holding something but his hands were empty and by his sides.

“Something for you to remember.” Jonghyun’s voice made Chanhee look up. He was so close their height difference was more pronounced than usual.

Chanhee’s heart stammered.

Warm and slightly sweaty hands cupped Chanhee’s face. He stood still beneath the strange touch.

Lips pressed against Chanhee’s for a heartbeat. An electric shock ran through him; jump-starting his heart once more and rooting his feet in place.

“Be safe. And come home quickly,” Jonghyun said, voice soft.

The lips kissed him once more.

It was almost chaste. It was almost like the hundreds of other times they had held hands, fixed each other’s hair, lounged on a bed with their limbs tangled.

The heavy difference was the way Jonghyun was ducked, staring into Chanhee’s eyes intently. The way his hands hadn’t left Chanhee’s cheeks yet as though he would not release him until he was sure Chanhee understood.

“I will,” Chanhee managed to whisper.

“Good.”

With that, Jonghyun stepped back and strolled out the door. A jaunty whistle floated back to Chanhee from the hallway.

He caught sight of his own reflection, eyes no longer sad but wide and surprised. Chanhee let a small smile seep over his lips and he shook his head.

The urge to stay was stronger than ever but at least now he had a reason to go. The sooner he left, the sooner he could come home.

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A/N: This was a cute request I recieved. I have been really busy and only just managed to catch up on all of the TT content from the last few months. One of which was the ChunjiTV video where he cut his hair. Needless to say as I was trying to fall asleep last night my brain wrote this.

Hope you like it.

PS. Did anyone else notice how sad Chanhee looked over the last few videos before he went? He definitely didn't feel like his usual chipper self. I cry. I miss him already.