He hasn’t come yet. He always comes in the morning or around a lunch time. Today, even after I finish my therapy and seems like the dinner time is near, he hasn’t come. I feel so lonely. Even radio can’t help me to get rid of this loneliness. I used to his presence now. I hate to admit it but I miss him. I sound like an easy girl. He is a stranger, why I expect him to always come. He is annoying but he is kind. He always by my side whenever I need someone to talk to.

I am so startled yesterday when he yelling at me. I wonder what is so wrong that he got so mad like that. All day long, I keep thinking what he said yesterday. The more I thought about it, the more I feel guilty and selfish. He is right. Since Chaeyoung betrayed me, I can’t  put my trust to anyone even to Jimin and Lisa. I feel so guilty. Those two are considered as my closest friends. They care a lot about me yet I can’t trust them.

I know Jimin is a trustworthy person. He will never betray his friend. I know him since we were in middle school but we were get close when we become classmate in high school. He always becomes a model student and known as a filial kid. He is also the one who help me to convince my parents to study abroad. As he is known as a model student, my parents trust him and let me go. He is always so kind. But why, I am so mean. Why everything that he has done for me is disappeared in a minute just because of my foolishness. I know he is busy but he still cares about me a lot.

Lisa is my housemate. She is a law student at another college. She is a bright and kind girl. We know each other through social media when we were in high school. She used to follow my account because she loves my pictures. She helps me a lot after she knows I am going to studying in France. She offers to stay at her place because it was near my school. My life in France is easier thanks to her. Lisa has an extrovert personality. She has a lot of friends. She talks a lot about her life, and it makes me feels like we were befriended for so long. But she doesn’t know me as much as I know about her. I rarely talk about my private life.

Someday, I failed in one of a photography competition. I am so disappointed and sad but I didn’t tell her. I don’t know how but somehow she found out about it. She didn’t say anything and wait for me to told her. But I didn’t tell her even after a week. Suddenly she didn’t talk to me at all and even pretend to didn’t see me. I was confused why she got mad but let it be. I thought she felt frustrated because we weren’t talking to each other. She confronts me why I didn’t tell her. Lisa knows I prepared so well and I really want to win that competition. She knows I am so disappointed. In the end, I told her and she felt so happy. She told me to never bear my hardship alone, she always be here for me. I pleased to hear that but I can’t promise her.

Lisa is extremely kind and can’t stand still when she saw me suffer. When I was sick she skipped her class in order to stay home and treat me. I can’t imagine what will she do if she knows about my state now. Sometimes I was touched by her excessive kindness and concern towards me, but sometimes I feel uneasy and uncomfortable with that. That is why I decided not to tell her. I don’t want to ruin her exam too. But then, I feel so guilty because I hide it from her. I can’t imagine how sad she will be if she found out.

Now as I thought about it again, I realize I was a fool. I told that guy to confess his love because we never know when we will die and lost our opportunity to do something that we always want to do. I never imagine I will get into a car accident and lose my vision. Life is unpredictable. Who knows, even though I will be able to see again, it’s not the same as before. If I do not take my chance to participate in Art Week this time, who knows I won’t be able to get a chance to participate again next time. Maybe it was what’s in Jimin, Chaeyoung and everyone thought.

I finished my dinner. Ah, time runs so fast. I feel so lonely and it’s uncomfortable. Being alone in this silence. “Never let go of their hands”. Yeah, I am so stupid. I almost let their hands go and live my entire life in loneliness. How fool. I miss them. I miss them so much. I am so drowning in my thought that I am not hearing someone entering my room.

“Hey, Kim. It’s me, Ed. How’s your doing?” it’s Ed.

“Oh, you poor thing. You look so terrible,” I know this voice. The voice who sounds like a drunken man. It’s Yoongi-sunbae.

“Yeah, I am not really that fine. It’s still hard to even feed myself. I look terrible, indeed. But what’s the occasion?” I am a little bit embarrassed with my look.

“The visiting hours is almost over so I will get to the point. I heard everything from your friend. I have discussed it with the committee and luckily they agreed to allow you to keep joining the Art Week exhibition but with a condition that you won’t be a burden to other participants. Luckily, me and Min successfully make a deal with them so you could get a special occasion. They will extend the due date until next week but if you can’t make it, you won’t be allowed to participate,” Ed explains the situation.

“Yeah, and don’t worry about another participant. I talk to them and they agree you keep on it. They know you are a great photographer and it is not fair if you can’t participate because you got into a car accident. It’s not your fault or your wish to got into an accident anyway. So you don’t need to feel guilty about your special occasion. So, can you make it to finish all the preparation within a week?” Yoongi-sunbae seems to know about my anxiety and quickly explain about other participants.

“Tell us if you need any help. We are kinda busy, though but if you need our help, we will try our best to help you. And if we can’t make it, we will ask another guy to help you too. Mr. John also told me after the committee meeting if you have a difficulty to chose or you want to discuss your photograph, he will help you. By the way, Park told me you will get your vision back within a week? It mean you can accomplish it, right?” Ed asks me.

“Probably. My vision is getting a lot better. I am able to see but it’s still blurry. If I keep doing the therapy and not forcing my eyes too much, I will be able to get it back within a week. With my condition right now, I make sure I will accomplish it next week. Anyway, thank you so much for your help. I really appreciated it. I don’t know what should I do to pay you back,” I explaining my condition.

“Nah, don’t need to act formally like that. We are your senior and we won’t let the great talent like you to lose a chance to show off. If you want to pay it back, give your best to this exhibition,” as expected from the wise Ed.

“As for me, you can buy a big house, big cars, or big rings. I will accept it,” Yoongi added. Nah, as expected from Yoongi too.

Ed excuses himself first because he already has an important appointment. Yoongi clears it up and said it is an important appointment with his girlfriend. Yoongi tells me that Jimin called him today and beg me to cancel the meeting. He felt so guilty because it’s not me who made the decision but him. But Ed insists I should keep join and told Jimin not to worry. Ed and Yoongi will be the one who explains it to me. Yoongi really annoyed by Jimin act today because he always called Yoongi every one hour to ask him about the situation. Speak of the devil, Yoongi suddenly gets a call from him and give his phone to me.

“Hello. Yoongi sunbae, it’s Jimin. Have you talk to her? Does she say she will participate?” Jimin’s sounds really curious.

“Yes. She said she will participate,” I answer.

“...... Jisoo? Is that you?” he thought he misheard.

“Yea it’s me, Jisoo. Jimin-a I am really really sorry. I am sorry because I mad at you. I know you did it for my sake. Despite your busy practice you still care a lot about me. You are not abandon me. Thank you so much,” I think I am gonna cry if I meet him in person because I feel so sorry and embarrassed.

“No, it’s me who supposed to apologize. I am sorry I can’t keep my promise. I am sorry because I didn’t consider your feeling. I am glad to hear that you finally decided to not retreat from Art Week,” instead of forgiving, he apologize to me too.

“Geez, how many “sorry” have you guys said. Just stop apologizing I am sick of that word,” Yoongi-sunbae seems to hear our conversation and tease us.

“If it is not because of you, maybe I will live my life in regret because I let go on this once in a life chance. Thank you to take me back on the right track,” it sounds so cheesy and I embarrassed because I am not used to saying this kind of word but I can’t find another word which could describe my feeling.

 “It’s not true. You are the pilot of your airplane. Then, let’s forget about this matter. I hope you will doing well. Get well very soon so you can watch my performance. I will visit you later. I KNOW! I KNOW! I WILL RIGHT BACK! Jisoo-ya I am sorry but J is so freaking annoying right now. I need to go back to practice or he will scold me. See you!” he hangs up the call.

I gave Yoongi's phone back and thanked him. He asks me whether he can eat the cheese pie and the cheese stick. I let him eat it as a payment for using his phone. He suddenly talks about Chaeyoung. He told me Chaeyoung resigned from Mrs. Sandara exhibition two days before the D-Day. Some rumor said the reason she left is because of plagiarism. He was the one who replaces her and moreover, he is her senior from the same hometown, so he asks her directly about the rumor and she said it is not completely false. She said she does not deserve to get it, she steal other people place.

Me and Chaeyoung used to be a bestie. No wonder he asks me whether I know the true reason why she resigned. Of course, I know. It’s the beginning why we weren’t a bestie anymore. But I didn’t say anything. I don’t know about Chaeyoung resigned from that exhibition.

“Chaeyoung becomes a little bit weird too. Whenever we invite her to join the Korean Student Community event, she always rejects it and said she already have a plan. Even for a simply event like a dinner too. I don’t what’s gotten into her. She has been fine one year ago. And she never absents from any event. You can sense it too, right? You are always together but lately, I never saw you hang out with her. Do you know why she acts like that?”

“Well, that... I am not sure too. She never talks to me since last year, too. But I guess she is fine. Maybe she has another project or job she is busy and didn’t have time to hang out like she used to do,” I lied. I know she afraid to meet me so she never attends any event.

“I hate to into other people problem. But somehow I feel so uneasy with her sudden change. You should talk to her and tell me what’s going on with her. Well, the visiting hour is done. I need to go. Rest well and get well soon so you won’t trouble me with Art Week preparation. See you!” he says goodbye and leaves. I am all alone again.

I don’t know why Yoongi-sunbae suddenly talks about her. Although he seems like he doesn’t know there is something going on between me and her, the fact that he tells about this matter means he already knows about it. Yoongi-sunbae always acts like he doesn’t care but actually, he knows a lot about his friends. He is the type of observer. It’s so rare for him to in into other people business unless it was a serious problem. He indeed a wise guy. I am glad there are so many people who help me to get back what I am gonna lose.

I am so sleepy. I guess today will come to an end. But he hasn’t come yet. I feel so empty. I am lying down and turn my body so I could face the door. Waiting for him to slide that door. Time is ticking and I slowly close my eyes and fall asleep.

***

I look at my watch. It’s 2 AM in the morning. My eyes were swollen and my nose is red because of the tissue I used to get rid of my snot. I can’t sleep and I haven’t eaten properly today. I am out of energy and feel so exhausted. I went through so much today. I spent my day in this room and didn’t even dare to get out. I realize I haven’t visited the blind girl today. With all the energy left in my body, I taking my first step out from this room. I am walking through the silence corridor towards her room.

I guess I am still under her spell. Although I could barely stand, I can’t stop my heart and brain who tell me to go to meet her. I feel something has missing if I am not seeing her even for a day. I know she must be asleep right now but my selfishness drives me to keep walking. I open the door slowly and stepping carefully so it doesn’t make any sounds. I am sitting on the chair beside her bed and staring at her peaceful face.

“You were here. I have been waiting for you all day long,” she is talking without changing her position and open her eyes. So I thought she was sleep talking and I not giving any response.

“I know you were here. Don’t pretend like you weren’t here. I can hear you open the door and you were sitting in that chair. You can’t lie, I can sense the human presence,” she talks again but this time she opens her eyes and sitting up.

“I am sorry if I wake you up. But, you are getting scarier. Now you have an ability to sense a human presence. As expected from Sadako’s twin,” I am joking after hear her response.

“Blind people have sharper senses than normal people. By the way, what time is it now? It so rare of you to come here this late. And what’s wrong with you? Are you sick? Your voice is hoarse,” she asks me a lot of questions.

“Yeah, I kinda catch a cold. Well, hmm... I am sorry for what I said yesterday. I admit that I didn’t fully understand your feeling. Also, everyone has their own way to live. Honestly, why I got so mad at you because I am jealous of you. You are so confident and independent. You believe you can do it by yourself. Unlike you, since I was a kid I always asked others opinion in order to build my confidence,” I tell her another painful story of my life.

“When I was a kid, my friends used to call me ugly just because I am different from them. They also called me stupid just because I didn’t understand their language. I am always crying in my room after I got back home. I even didn’t come to school for several days before I met her. It’s too hard for me. As I got older, I am not a loner anymore and have so many friends. Someday, I heard some kids talking about me. They said I was stupid. The boys whom I consider as my friends are actually just want to use me. They want to copy my homework, make me do all the assignments or make me do an errand,” I realize why she was so angry when she talk about she got betrayed. Open up painful memories is really difficult.

“I was so angry because they bad mouthing my friends. So I confront them and said what all they said is not true. But then they said I was too naive. Why do the coolest guys in this school want to be friended with such a weird person like me if it’s not because they want to take advantage from me. I can’t believe it so I asked my friends directly. They were laughing but they told to not hearing what those kids said. They said they really want to be my friends. I am not really that stupid. I know they were lying and the kids earlier were true. But I denied it and told myself I need to believe in my friends.

“I know I deceive my own self and feel so depressed. But then she told me if I really sincere with my friendship and I trust them, they will change. Since that day, I don’t care about what others said about me. I always trust my friends. And it’s true. I still keep in contact and hanging out with those friends. They said it was true they use me at first, but then they were touched by my sincerity and unconsciously they accept me as their friend. I feel so happy too because all my friends are cool guys.

“Since I was a kid, I didn’t have a big self-confidence. Whenever I want to make a decision, I always ask other people opinion to make sure it was the right decision. Especially her. I always trust what she said. Her compliment is the source of my confidence. Even when the doctor said regular treatment and never eat avoid foods will increase the life span, I didn’t trust him. I know it was all a lie. That disease can’t be cured. But then she said what the doctor said was true. Without any doubt, I believe it too.

“Because I trust my friends and cherish them so much, I am so angry when you mad at your friends. I hate it. It so difficult for me to make a friend who sincerely cares about me. But then you easily throw away your friend. I know how it feels to live in loneliness. It’s so painful so I don’t want you to have that kind of life.

“Moreover, it so painful when it’s only me who thought we were a best friend. It’s no different with having one-sided love. When they thought you were a best friend but they didn’t know anything about you. Or when they heard a news about you from other people. It will hurt their feeling. A best friend always wants to be the one who knows any news about you. Whether it is a good or bad news,” I finishing my long life story.

We stayed in silence for a while. Then, she breaks the silence with told me about her seniors who came and told her about the exhibition things. I listen to her carefully and sometimes I respon to it although my body is getting weaker and my consciousness slowly vanished. It silences again after she finished her story. She turns her head and looks straight. She takes a deep breath to get rid of her nervousness. She looks like a person who about to get on the stage.

“Hei, hmm...,” she didn’t finish her words. I look at my watch and it’s already 3 AM. I can’t hold this sleepiness anymore and decided to go to my room. Before I stand up from the chair, she turns her face towards me.

“Thank you, for everything,” she finished what she want to say earlier and that one sentence make her blushing and turns her face. I bet she is too embarrassed to face me. But I am very happy to hear that.

“You know, that was the most sincere words you have said to me. I am so touched. How often you practice to said those words?” I can’t help myself to not making fun of her. She mumbling, maybe she just curses me.

“Your name. I don’t know your name,” she suddenly asks me.

“Why do you want to know?” I ask her back.

“Just... I don’t know what should I call you,” she hesitates to answer.

“It’s not important. So far, we can communicate well without knowing each other name,” I can see her annoyed expression after hearing my answer.

“Why you can’t tell me? Perhaps your name is as ugly as your face? Or are you afraid I will stalk you if I know who you are?” judging from her voice, she really is annoyed.

“No reason. It’s better like this. You don’t know my name, my face and you don’t know who I am. Name is a magical word. You remember the proverb, tiger die and leave their stripes, but humans die leaving their names. That showing how powerful the name is. Besides, there are so many stories hidden in one name. Moreover, I don’t want to stay on someone memory as an ugly person. It’s hard for me to build my image as a kind and innocent boy. But, you know a lot about my dark past. I don’t want you to spread a rumor about how ugly I am. I want to known as a good person,” it so hard for me to come up with an answer so I end up talking gibberish.

 “Are you going to die anytime soon? Why did you sound like you just making a death wish? But, maybe it would be better for you to die as soon as possible before your secret is leaked. Then you will stay as a good, kind and innocent boy,” I little bit surprised but can’t help to laugh at that absurd response.

“You really are a quick-witted. How could you know that I am dying right now? Your idea is not bad, though. I will reconsider it,” although I am fighting against myself to stay conscious, I still have an energy to joking.

“Stop joking around. Anyway, I decided to tell my housemate about my condition tomorrow. She will be such a nuisance if she know but, I realize it’s not fair for her if keep hiding this fact,” it seems like she still has many stories left to tell.

“That’s great. You should do it faster. How about your eyes? Does it getting better?” I shake my head and pinch my cheek to stay awake.

“Yeah it getting so much better. Is not as blurry as before. If I focusing my eyes to the object, I be able to see it more clear. Although I can’t do it for long since I will get dizzy. And it be better for me to not overdo it for the time being to completely recover. Ah! And also, I will be discharged tomorrow. Maybe I will leave the hospital after finishing my therapy. But still I need to coming back here to get a regular therapy until I fully recover,” she sounds so happy.

“I am very glad to hear that. Remember, the first thing you should do after discharged is washing your hair. Now, you should go back to sleep,” I can’t hold it any longer. I need to go or I will pass out. I pat her shoulder then walk away towards the door.

“Good night and ... goodbye!!” I look at her for the last time before I closed the door.

***