Am I hearing a thing? What’s with that sound? A song? Where is this song come from? Did my hearing system get damaged too? Is it a dream? No, no, no. I open my eyes, but I can’t see anything. It’s useless. I try to pinch my hand to make sure that I am awake. It’s hurt that is mean it’s not a dream.

“Are you awake?” I hear a familiar voice, it’s Jimin.

“Yes, I am. It’s still morning right? Why are you here this early?” I am so excited and extremely happy to hear his voice.

“I have an appointment with my friend around here so I thought I should visit you as well. Anyway, how is your condition? Have the doctor explain it to you?” he seems worry.

“I am fine. I did a medical check up yesterday and the result will be out today. You don’t have to worry,”

“Glad to hear that. I am very sorry I can’t visit you so often,”

“It’s okaaaay. The fact that you still spend your time for me already make me happy. You don’t know how lonely I am. But I can’t complain tho since I beg you not to tell anyone. I am sorry, you must be burdened. By the way, Jimin-a... Can I ask you favor? Again?”

“Hahaha, why are you suddenly become so polite? How long have we been friend? So what kind of favor this time?”

“You are indeed my angel. Can you bring me some clothes? Ah, and my iPod and headphone. You can find it in my drawer. I have been lost contact with all my friends almost a week. So if you don’t mind, could you tell some of my friend or classmate if they want to contact me, they can call or text you instead. Tell them that I lost my phone and I can’t be reached right now. Just tell them I was in some remote area to taking picture or else,”

“You are in a remote area and they can’t reach you by phone but why they need to contact me instead? They will think that I have some kind of telepathy ability,”

“Whatever. If they ask you just give any reason. It’s okay if it doesn’t make any sense. But in this final exam session, nobody will contact me anyway. They will be busy with themselves. Ah, and if you meet Lisa when you come to my apartment, just tell her that you come to take your thing that I borrow. Okay,”

“But, how can I take your clothes then? I thought Lisa will be the one who pack it? Now you tell me not to tell Lisa, then how can I....,”

“What so difficult about it? Just pack two or three clothes so you don’t need to put in a big suitcase. You can put in the backpack. She will not suspicious. She know that you are my classmate and we are close friend,”

“Hmm... I know we are close, but Jisoo, it still... How can I pack your, under...,”  he hesitate for a bit and I am suddenly become so embarassed. I can’t imagine how red my face is.

“Well.. hemm... we don’t have any choice right. Just... Yeah just take some and put it on the bag. Ah and my apartment passcode is 130613,” I try to answer it like it’s nothing but I am so freaking embarrased.

“Alright. I will do your errand. But, Jisoo-ya, I am sorry but I need to go now. I will come back and do your errand as soon as possible, maybe this afternoon since I am quite free today. You must to take care of yourself. I am going,”

“Okay. Thank you very much Jimin-a!”. Right after Jimin about to leave, someone come into my room.

“Nurse, Please take care of my friend! Scold her if she don’t want to eat her medicine,”

Thanks God, Jimin is leaving early. I don’t want him to ask a question to the nurse about my condition. The nurse come to give me my breakfast and tell me the medcheck result will be out tonight. When she is about to leave, I remember to ask her about my hearing problem.

“Mrs, do you hear a music playing? Where is it come from?” I want to make sure I am not hallucinating and this music was played ever since I woke up.

“It’s from a mini radio on your desk. Maybe your boyfriend put it there to prevent you from a boredom,” (why did everyone think Jimin is my boyfriend? I am tired to explain it. Just let it be)

After spent two days in this hospital, the only thing I found is sadness. But today, only by hearing a music who come out from this radio, I can find a little happiness who cruelly left me behind this past two days. I take the radio and start to explore it. After trying several times, I already memorize the function of each button. I am listening to the radio all day long. I should thank Jimin when he come again.

Jimin fulfill his promise and coming back this afternoon. He bring me my clothes, my headphone and my iPod. He tell me Lisa wasn’t at home so he left a post-it in the refrigerator to inform her that I was out of town to take some pictures for my final project. He also told Yoongi, the only senior of mine whom Jimin knew. Jimin also finished all the administration things with the hospital and with the police. I guess I need to treat him an expensive meal after I discharged.

“I know you don’t like to talk about it. But, after all this favor I did for you, you owe me an explanation. So, how long do you plan to stay here and hide it from your friend? How is your condition? I don’t want to hear “I am fine”. Explain it with more specific,” he ask me directly knowing if he not ask, I will never tell him.

“That’s a lot of questions. I don’t know how long I will be staying here. Dr. Jin told me I should stay at least until the result come out and he can clearly state my condition. But I plan to stay here for a week. I want to be discharged as quickly as possible too cause I don’t want to spent my saving to pay the hospital bill but I don’t want to disturb Lisa from her exam. She will not stay quiet looking at my condition. She will help me with anything and told me not to do anything. And those kind of act will take her time and she will end up not studying. I don’t want to be a burden and destroy her grade,”

“And how about your eyes? Is it curable?”

“They can’t make sure about it. They said I need to get vision therapy and even undergo a surgery if it’s really bad. It’s only temporary blindness and most of the cases it could come back to normal. But there is still a possibility to turn into permanent blindness. It was depend on how bad the damage caused to my brain. The best case is I can get my vision back is within a week. But there is also a high chance I can get it back in a few days. I began my vision therapy today. Even though the result is not out yet, Dr. Jin suggested to do the therapy as soon as possible to avoid more risk,” I try very hard to maintain my voice tone. I don’t want to show an anxiety and fears in my voice. I don’t want to add more burden to him.

“Hey, what’s with long face? The doctor told you most of the patients successfully get their vision back, right? You need to think positively. I heard that when it comes to brain problem, avoiding a stress could catalyst the healing process,” he try to comfort me but I can hear his voice is shaking and sounds like someone who hold back their tears.

“Ah choo! Sniff, sniff. I think I am gonna catch a cold. I practiced so much this days and didn’t get enough rest,” he lied. I knew. He try to hide his shaky voice and tears.

“You must to taking care of yourself. It will be bad if you sick and can’t performing all the dance you have been practicing until now. You shouldn’t come here often too cause you will adding more of my suffering if I get infected,”

“I am almost forget, I bring something that you will like. TADAAA!!!” he put something in my hand. He bought my favorite food, cheese stick. Basically, I love all food that made of cheese, have a cheese flavor and anything related to cheese. We spend this afternoon telling about each other story. He tell me about how busy he is to preparing his dance performance. He can’t rest because he feels his dance is still lacking. It such a big event, no wonder he really give his best. This once a year performance is very prestigious for all the contemporary dance major student. To join this performance they must compete not only students from their collage but also with another collage. Our collage has this once a year event which called Art Week. Every departments will participating in this event.

Drrrt... drrrtt... Jimin phone is vibrating and he excuse himself to go out and answer the call. While waiting for Jimin to finishing his phone call, I put my headphone and listening to the music from my iPod. Not long after, Jimin pat my shoulder signaling he is back. I take my headphone off. He is sitting beside me, but doesn’t say a word. It’s a stuffy silence. Neither of us are willing to speak cause we know we gonna hear a bad news.

“Jisoo-ya, I just got a call from Yoongi sunbae,” he said with I-hate-to-say-it-but-I-must-to-say-it tone. I don’t say anything waiting for him to finish what he is going to say. It so quiet suddenly, so quiet until I can hear a music which come from my headphone.

“Yoongi sunbae told me that he was told from your senior, Ed, your portfolio passed the screening and all the judge would like you to participating in Art Week Exhibition. He told you to come tomorrow for technical meeting. All the participants must attend those technical meeting but Yoongi sunbae said that he will come out with a reason and will try to persuade Ed so they will give you a permission and can send you the rules and materials from that meeting,” he tell me this (supposed to be) a good news if I am not here lying on this hospital bed.

“So, what I am supposed to tell him?” he ask me carefully.

“Tell him I apologize I can’t attend that meeting and I will retreat from this exhibition. He can find another person to replace me. I am not supposed to take other people chance to success. Moreover, in this state, I can’t even choose which photograph will fit the exhibition theme and which one I’d like to exhibit. And what if I don’t have a suitable picture for the theme? It’s impossible for me to take it right? I don’t want to start something that I can’t finish,” I try to be tough and cool but actually I really want to cry a river. This exhibition is in the same level as Jimin performance. Only the choosen student from photography major will be participating in this exhibition. This is also a chance for student to get recognized by the professional and help us to make a connection.

“Are you sure you want to reject it? We all know it so hard to be a participant in Art Week and it really a big opportunity for you! Jisoo-ya, the opportunity doesn’t come twice!” Jimin persuade me to reconsidering my decision.

“I knew. But, what can I do with my condition right now? It’s okay if I am not participating this year. Opportunity surely doesn’t come twice but maybe I am not destined to having this opportunity. There is still another opportunity. Perhaps, it is a sign that I need to work harder,” I felt my heart was sliced with each word that I said. It hurt so much.

Sigh... “Your head is indeed as strong as a rock. But, if that is really what you want, I can’t force you since it’s your life. If I were you, I will try any other possible way so I can keep participating. But I must admit it you are as cool as ever. You can make such a decision. I hope you will not regret it later. By the way, I feel so bad to say this when I know you really need someone by your side now but, I have to go to practicing. J will kill me if I am late even a second. I will lose my hope to show my best dance if he kill me,”

“It’s okay, you must go. Thank you so much for finishing your errand and this cheese stick. I hope you are not pushing yourself to hard. You should rest too,” I show my best smile and give I-am-fine-you-can-go expression. Jimin pat my shoulder gently and say goodbye.

***

So, she is a photographer. It makes sense she is especially desperate losing her vision. Losing her vision means she lose her whole world. Those news that his alleged boyfriend told was supposed to be a very good news but she try so hard to looks fine. She is sitting in a silence even though I know she tried to hold back her tears. She put her headphone on and try to get out of bed, searching for her wheelchair. I am slowly push her wheelchair so she can reach it. She finally found it and sitting on it with so much difficulty. I noticed she has a new wheelchair. It is a motorized wheelchair. As expected from Dr. Jin. He known as Dr. Genie not for nothing. He can grant his patient wish.

She moves her wheelchair. I am curious where is she going. She is still learning to control the wheelchair and almost hit the closet.

“Awooo why is this so frustating. No, no, Jisoo, you can’t give up. You can do it. Okay let’s try again. The nurse said I should move straight in two counts then turn right. After that count to 5 then turn right then count to 10 then I will find the window, so I need to turn right now,” she talking to herself.

I am following her instruction then found out she try to reach the window. I move slowly to get close to her and right before he hit the wall I stop her wheelchair but I try to make it like her wheelchair stuck on something so she didn’t notice. She count to ten then she reach out her unbroken leg try looking for a wall. She keep move her wheelchair until her foot touch the wall. She get up from the wheelchair and reach her hands out to find the window. She try to open the window but can’t find the hook. She looks so frustated and her expressions seems she is going to burst out of tears.

I open it for her. A sudden wind which come through the window seems to startled her. She took of her headphone and reach her pocket, maybe she turn off her iPod. She turn her head and now we are facing each other but she quickly turn her head back.

“So, where is your ‘thank you’?” I start a conversation.

“I don’t remember I ask for your help,” She replied. She is staring into the distance and enjoying the warm sunlight and the wind which gently blowing in her face. Maybe she feels tired to keep standing so she decided to sit down on her wheelchair.

“You must be feeling so anxious right now waiting for the result. It’s not surprising if you are afraid to lose your vision. For someone who spend their time capturing a beautiful things and turn it into a photograph, losing their vision means end of their world. Moreover, you lose your opportunity to exhibit your photograph and lose a chance to build up your reputation as a talented photographer,” her facial expression is no joke right now. She is so surprised with what I said. That surprised expression slowly turn into scared expression. I can’t help but to giggling looking at her cute expression. Her scared expression make her look like a scared cat. So cute.

“You... Who exactly are you? Are you installing a cctv or bugging device in my room? Are you a stalker? Or, perhaps you are a  **t ? What have you done? Enough with this joke,” she really scared and immediately move her wheelchair. I am laughing so hard hearing her indictment. I hold her wheelchair and kneeling in front of her.

“What am I? A spy? Why I need to installing a CCTV or bugging device. I am not stalker nor a **t . If you curious where I get those information, I knew from your boyfriend. You watch too much action drama,” I am explaining myself from her allegation.

“You heard it from Jimin? It strange. It means you were here when we talk about it. But why Jimin didn’t say anything? You were sneaking into my room, right?”

“Hey, I am not sneaking, I knock the door and greet you but you didn’t hear. How could you hear me when you listening to music with such a load volume? I don’t know your friend was here. When he came in, I am unconsciously hiding in the closet and heard everything. That’s all,”

“But still, why did you hiding on the closet? It suspicious,” she not give up to find my mistake. I don’t even know too why I should hiding from him. I am not criminal or something. I take an apple which I brought yesterday and give it to her. Then I take one too for myself.

“Here, an apple. Eating is the best method to get rid of sadness, anger and stress. Anyway, do you really mean it? I mean your decision to retreat from the exhibition. I heard from my friend that event is very prestigious. Your boyfriend was right. You need to reconsider your decision. Maybe you won’t get another big opportunity like this again,” I am quickly change the topic to hide my sin for overheard her conversation and hiding in the closet.

“First, Jimin is not my boyfriend. Second, I won’t change my decision. As for the reason, you have heard it too,” she is playing with the apple I gave her.

“From my point of view, none of your reason is making any sense. What’s with “I can’t choose, I don’t have a picture”. Cut the crap. You just need to ask your fellow photographer to choose it for you. Or those Ed guy. The one who make you pass the screening. Or maybe your supervisor. It’s simple right? And how long have you become a photographer? Is not one or two weeks, so you must have a lot of pictures,” I bite my apple. I am feeling so proud cause I give her the most reasonable solution.

“It’s not as simple as you thought. Do you think my friend would be happy to help me if they know about my condition? This event is really prestigious, they would try any possible way to be one of the participant. I am sure they secretly wish for me to retreat. And what if I keep participating? They will talk behind my back. For your information, even I try to asking for help from my supervisor or another neutral party, they have a different taste. Not all the photographer have a same thought,” she arguing my solution.

“But still, it’s better. At least your pictures is being hanged in exhibition wall. Besides, your supervisor is called supervisor not for nothing. They are professional. Even though it’s not the same as your taste but it still a great picture. Just look at it in more positive way, will you?”

“You know why a collector want to spent million dollars to buy a painting? Most of it because of self-satisfaction. If people praise my job for the picture I choose myself, I would be very satisfied. Hah, whatever. No matter how hard I try to explain it to you, you will never understand. Cause you are not in my position,”

“Well, I guess you were right,” I am tired to explain and bite my apple.

“Hey, do you know, I think, I was right. You are such a loner,” I am munching my apple and look out to the window. Of course she has many friends. The way she talk and behave around her friend could showing she is an easy going person. But hearing her opinion regarding her friends, maybe she just someone who wear a smiling mask to hide her tears. An introvert who hide in the crowd try to disguise herself so no one will notice her.

“Have you look at the mirror? Isn’t it strange for someone who has many friends to keep coming to visit a stranger? And I want to make it clear, I do have a friend. They don’t come because I am not telling them,”

“Theoretically, yes you do. But it’s not a real friendship. You don’t believe them. You don’t want to depend on them. You don’t want to share your pain with them. Does it what you called friend?”

“You seems to have a wrong idea. I have a principle. As long as I can do it by myself, I don’t need others help. I don’t want to be a burden and nuisance. And it was called independent,” she twirling her apple before she bite it.

“I wonder, whether she feels lonely with those way of life,” I am mumbling to myself.

“What did you just say?” she didn’t hear it.

“No, it’s nothing. Anyway I suggesting you to rethink about your decision. There is a hope. Your result haven’t been out. But you should remember that there is a possibility for you to be blind forever. Don’t be too cocky. You should take this opportunity as it is the last chance for you to show your existance as a photographer,” she stop munch her apple and turn her head toward me.

“You... Have you wash this apple?” she ask.

“Ah, right. I forgot to wash it. It’s falling to my feet before I gave it to you,” I am replying to her question and slowly tip toeing towards the door, ready to escape. I just reach the door and about to open it when she call me and throw her apple to me. Strangely, her apple is landed perfectly on my face.

***

All the thing that jerk talking is true. What if I will be blind forever? Is it really my last chance? I don’t have any energy to think about the direction towards my bed. I decided to sitting on this wheelchair and waiting for the nurse to help me move to bed. I can feel the light slowly vanished. It means the night will come soon. And it also means, my judgement is getting near.

Someone knocking on my door. It’s Dr. Jin. I am so nervous. He ask the nurse to bring me back to my bed. Now, I am sitting on the bed and preparing my heart to hear this live or die judgement. The sounds of the paper getting out from the envelope and the page being turned make me even more nervous. Dr. Jin began to read my judgement. His voice is so clear and his explanation is so simple to make it easier for me to understand. Overall, my condition regarding my broken ribs, leg and arm is not bad but it takes time for me to recover. But I still can’t breath, the final judgement yet to be read.

He turn another page. I hold my breath and hypnotize myself that everything will be fine when Dr. Jin started to talk about my vision. A few minutes later, after he finished reading all my medcheck report, he leave my room. I immediately searching for the radio (my iPod is run out of battery) and turn it on. The nurse come in to deliver my dinner and I told her to leave it on the desk. I will eat it later. I put the radio beside my pillow and close my eyes, focusing to the DJ who talk about the latest trend.

I hear someone knocking on my door and I pretending to sleep and turn my back so that person can’t see my face. I can feel that person is standing beside my bed. Even though I am blind and I close my eyes, I can see the light. I see the light is rapidly change from dark to light. It seems like that person waving his/her hands to check whether I am sleep. The light is getting normal now. That person is stop waving his/her hand. It is quiet for a while but then I feel his/her hands trying to take the radio from my hand. Right after he/her grab the radio, I suddenly hold her/his hand and open my eyes.

“AAA YOU SCARING ME!!!” he shouted.

“What are you doing here? Sneaking like a robber,” I am holding in my laughter.

“I heard the result was out. So, what did Dr. Jin’s said?” he ask curiously.

I am not answering. It still hard for me to talk about it.

“Judging from your response. I bet it’s not good. Look at yourself. It seems like your soul has been taken away, sitting down with blank stare and pale face.”

He suddenly take out the bed’s table and seems like he put my dinner on it. He take my hand and give me spoon.

“No matter how bad your condition is, you still need to eat. You know how scary Nurse Rose is if she found out you didn’t finish your meal? She will show her killer smile and began to give you a lecture about how hard to get a food and there are so many people who starving but here you are not grateful and wasting food,” he guide my hand to the plate.

“I don’t have an appetit. Beside, I can’t even see that nurse killer smile,” I still insist to eat. Thinking about what Dr. Jin told me quickly took away my appetit even though my stomach is screaming asking for food.

“Her voice also has a magical spell. Her voice will keep ringing in your head. And you will have a nightmare,” he persuade me again. But it sounds like he persuade a kid to eat their food.

“I can put my headphone on and set the volume to the maximum,”

“Fine. If you insist to not eating even one spoon of this food, I don’t have other choice. I should force you to eat it. Your brain maybe not functioned like before so it can’t processing the hungry signal from your stomach, but it can’t change a fact that your stomach need to be filled. If you still insist to not eating, the gastric acid in your stomach will force you to take them out through your mouth. And you know what will happen? You will throw up on your bed. Imagine it you will stay in this room with a disgusting smell from your own tummy,”

Ugh, it must be bad. I can’t even move my body to the toilet if I want to throw up. Geez, I don’t have a choice but to eat it. Today dinner is chicken soup. It so hard for me to eat with my left hand. Usually, the nurse will help me to eat, but I told her to leave before. And I can’t ask him to feed me.

That guy seems to search for something. I can hear he open the drawer and the sound of plastic bag. He mumbled and suddenly he laughing, maybe he find what he is looking. I am eating peacefully but suddenly he pulling my hair.

“Hey, what are you doing?” I get annoyed by his sudden action.

“Your hair will fall into the soup. Ugh so dirty. Have you ever wash your hair? It’s so dirty and smells. I never meet a girl with a dirty hair like this,” he is nagging while tying up my hair.

“How can I wash my hair with this hand? Even to feed myself is super exhausting,” I keep eating and very grateful because I do really want to tied my hair but I always forget to ask the nurse for help since what I think is always how can I continue my life.

“Done! Woah as expected from me. It’s so perfect. This look is waaaay more better than before. With those pale face and blank stare, plus your messy dirty long hair, it’s make you look like a ghost. You know, that ghost. What does it called? The Japanese ghost who come out from television,” he admiring his own job and sounds so proud but still he never forget to tease me.

“Sadako,” I am answering his random question.

“Aaaah! Sadako! I have watch it before, and you are totally similar with her,” he tease me again.

After finishing my dinner, he put aside the utensil and put the table back.

“May I ask you a question? But you need to answer it honestly. Who are you? Why did you coming here everyday? Perhaps, did we know each other?” I don’t know how many times I ask him this questions but I never have a clear answer.

“Me? I am nobody. I don’t even know you. Why I come here everyday? Hemm… no reason. I just want to visit you. That’s all. Why did you always ask me the same question over and over?” he drag a chair and sit on it.

“I am just curious. Why did you care for me even when you don’t even know who I am,” Somehow, his answer is not makes me satisfied. I feel like there is something missing.

“Does it supposed to be a reason for caring for someone?” he ask me back but I can’t find an answer.

“At first, I thought you just making fun of me because I am blind. I thought you are such a coward who can make fun of someone who can’t even see and walk. You know I can’t do anything against your harshful words so you keep coming to see me,” I tell him honestly about my first impression.

“It’s true. The reason I visit you everyday and try to get close to you is because you are blind…,” he paused but I am waiting for him to finish his sentence.

“Honestly I… I… I am so ugly. I am very ugly. They keep making fun of me cause I am so ugly. I am so tired hearing them making fun of me. But when I know you are blind, I thought finally I will be free from those hurtful scorn,” it is the first I hear him make such a voice. His voice is always full of confidence but this time he sound hesitate and pitiful.

“HAHAHAHAHA… I know something seems off. Why did you put so much interest to me. So the fact is you are so ugly and you don’t have a single friend and since you are a coward you only dare to speak to blind girl cause she can’t see your face. You seems flooding with confidence and extremely annoying because finally you can make fun of someone. HAHAHA.. Uhuk uhuk… aww my stomach hurt,” his story is so sad but I can’t help to laugh by the way he tell me the truth. I laughing so hard until I shed a tears.

“Yeah yeah. Laughing as loud as you can until your broke your own ribs,” he is annoyed.

“It’s a good thing I can see you. Maybe I could really break my ribs If I see the face of yours,” I am still laughing and out of breath but I need to stop because my stomach is starting to hurt so much.

“You look so freaking happy tonight. Your laughter sounds so scary. You are really Sadako’s long lost twin sister,” here he goes again, the sarcasm. But somehow whenever he talks, it sounds so funny to me.

“Okay, that’s enough. I should leave. Stop laughing before you really broke your ribs,” he can’t hold it any longer watching me laughing like crazy. I can hear his footsteps getting further and he sliding the door.

“Hey! Thank you so much!” I thank him after I hear the slided door sound. He pause for a moment and then I can hear he slided the door and leave.