Yunhwa had been awake since the nurses’ shift change in the early morning. He wasn’t able to get back to sleep. His mother still curled on the loveseat under the window with his coat draped on himself, snoring softly. He just couldn’t wait to be out of the hospital. This way his mother wouldn’t get constant backaches for sleeping in such a narrow place.

He stared at the clock on the wall, seeing that his mom still had about another hour of sleep. He turned to lie on the side, taking out the small paper card from under his pillow. He couldn’t stop smiling no matter how much he tried to keep his face under check. He could finally speak with his father. At the same time, he was scared that his eagerness would make his mother feel sadder. Even though now they openly talked about his father now, Jaejoong always had this melancholic expression in his eyes. The smile on his face never once reached his eyes and Yunhwa felt sorry for it.

In this moment of secret excitement, he picked up the hospital phone from the nightstand and punched in the numbers. He had completely forgotten about the current time. When the line finally connected after half a dozen of tones, he was at the edge of panic. His fingers lingered on the end call button, ready to hang up at any moment.

“Yeah… hello,” he heard a man hummed in the line. The sound of his voice drowned by slumber, still not quite awake yet.

Yunhwa’s lungs tightened as he tried to think about something intelligent to say, but all that came from him was the tiny and choked word, ‘sorry’. His mind remained blank as he slammed the phone back on the nightstand. This small hands shook on the device. He missed by seconds his name on his father’s tongue. But, at least now he knew the sound of his father’s voice, deep and soothing, just like how he imagined it would be.

He looked back warily at his mother before he his bed. He pushed a hand on his chest, trying to calm his wild heart, only to yelp in surprise when the phone rang in the silent room. He sat up slowly and his gaze remained at the device. He stayed frozen in a trance even though he knew who was calling. He just couldn’t bring himself to take it.

Jaejoong jerked from his sleep and frowned when he saw his son’s vacant eyes staring at the phone. He rushed over and brought the device to his ear, wondering what could possibly make his son so terrified. He rubbed a hand over his face as he yawned inelegantly to the speaker.

“Yunhwa? Is that you?” Jaejoong heard an overly emotional Yunho asked as he looked back at his son. His eyebrows rose higher when Yunhwa turned around without meeting his eyes and lay back on his bed.

“No, it’s me,” Jaejoong answered calmly, sitting on the edge of Yunhwa’s bed. With his free hand, he gently drew circles on the kid’s back. He started to have an idea of what happened while he was asleep. “Yunhwa is in bed. It’s barely past four in the morning; he needs to rest.”

“I just got a phone call from this number and called back. I thought…” Yunho exhaled slowly before finishing his sentence. “In case it was Yunhwa, I didn’t want him to think that I-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell him that you called back. Goodnight, Yunho.”

“Yes…” the lawyer answered, disappointment clear in his voice. “Goodnight, Jaejoongie.”

Nonetheless, Jaejoong could almost see Yunho’s smile from his tone alone. He hung up the phone and lay down beside his son, agilely maneuvering himself on the small bed. He let Yunhwa nest in the arms and patiently waited for him to start talking. Only he had no idea how to start this type of conversation. He tried to remember his own parents, but the memory was so distant and vague.

“Baby…” Jaejoong started gently when Yunhwa remained silent. “What happened?”

“I wasn’t thinking and just dialed the number. And I chickened out,” Yunhwa pouted. “Dad must be unhappy.”

“It’s alright, baby. Your dad’s not mad; just disappointed that he didn’t get to talk to you. He loves you very much, you know?”

Yunhwa hummed in reply, wondering if his mother was telling the truth or just trying to make him feel better. His father knew nothing about him, so why would he love him? At the same time, his heart fluttered as he blindly decided to believe his mother.

“Dad has a nice voice,” Yunhwa couldn’t help the goofy smile from showing on his face. He looked up to meet his mother’s tender yet sad eyes. “He sounds like dad.”

“I do agree with that nice voice part. Though I’m not sure I understand after that.” Jaejoong laughed softly, carding his fingers through the soft dark locks. ‘It sounds even better after ,’ he wanted to add, but it wasn’t exactly appropriate to say such things to a nine-year-old kid.

“He sounds like you, but more like a dad than a mom. You get what I mean?”

Jaejoong nodded at the unclear explanation. He still couldn’t understand what his son meant and he doubted he could ever understand it. Unlike Yunhwa, he never got the chance to meet his father. He only remembered the never-aging face from his mother’s old wedding picture; his father standing tall and proud in his navy-colored dress uniform. For a really long time, he never understood the significance of the uniform. He only knew that his father was a hero.

As he got older, he realized the meaning of the uniforms, the coast guard insignia on his father’s chest and how he passed away on duty, leaving behind a wife and a newly born baby. Then a few years later, his mother followed

Life hadn’t been easy on him. Perhaps, it was the reason he always envied happy families. It led him to give up his own dreams and happiness for the Jung family. If only, he was selfish. Unfortunately, he wasn’t raised that way.

❖

{ past }

Thanksgiving would have been fun back on Jeju. But in Seoul, Jaejoong still felt very out of place. Also because he really couldn’t afford flying back in the small island despite his cousin and his aunt’s nagging. He would just spend the long weekend in his dorm room in the company of instant ramen.

He rolled lazily around his tiny bed while waiting for his ramen to be soaked through while lamenting about the boredom. Then, bulb lighted up in his head. A wide smile slowly stretched on his lips. He dropped his chopsticks on the table and scoured in his nightstand’s drawer for changes before jogging down the hall to a public phone.

He dialed the only number he bothered to remember by heart and waiting for the line to connect. His fingers tapped impatiently on the combination. Then, a hand reached past over his shoulder and hooked on the end call lever as an audible ‘oops’ was breathed into his left ear.

“Calling your buddy for a hot hook-up, love?”

“Depends... Are you my hot hook-up?”

“Hot? Definitively.” Yunho slowly ran his tongue over his bottom lip in an attempt to wipe away the smirk. “Hook-up? No. But you do still owe me that you mentioned at the club.”

Jaejoong jabbed him harshly in the ribs, making Yunho stumbled back with a hand soothing his abused side. A sudden wave of embarrassment washed over him. His face reddened; an embarrassment he hadn’t felt when he was protected by the darkness and the dim street lights.

“That was a one-night proposition. Since you had been so persistent that we date, the offer is no longer on the table.” Jaejoong fringed the serious look and walked past his boyfriend. He smiled pompously when he heard Yunho fallen into his steps behind him.

After dropping Jaejoong back to his dorm room that night, it took Yunho a few long weeks of courtship before the younger man finally accepted. Jung Yunho was charming and he was still a man with principles. For sure the handsome face helped, but it wasn’t hard for Jaejoong to appreciate a guy like Yunho. It was truly refreshing for someone not treating him like a contagious disease.

Once in the confinement of his room, he felt Yunho’s arms around his shoulder, pulling him in a back hug. Yunho rested his head in the crook of his neck, nibbling, kissing him gently. This was probably the most intimate gesture they had shared up to date. If he was honest with himself, Jaejoong wished that he could feel those warm lips everywhere.

Yunho was six years older and seemly more experienced in relationships. It was an understatement to say that it made him feel self-conscious and edgy about moving to the next stage.

Jaejoong bit back a moan when Yunho’s skilled tongue swept over his birthmark under his chin. “Are you trying to make me regret my no--within-first-three-months-of-dating policy?”

“I’m so very tempted to, but since you’re my boyfriend, I don’t see the rush,” Yunho said sincerely. However, it didn’t prevent him from grounding his crotch against Jaejoong’s . There’s no need to hide how much he wanted the freshman since the first time he laid eyes on him. He wanted Jaejoong to be more than his first man-to-man experience. He liked him a lot; his boyfriend was down to earth, humble and witty. Jaejoong’s patience and understanding made him feel special and appreciated.

If Jaejoong was a girl, he would have been the perfect woman everyone wished to be presented to their family. Jaejoong was perfect compare to his long-time ex-girlfriend. He would dedicate all his time and energy to cherish Jaejoong the way he was.

“Actually, I’m here to invite you out for supper,” he sweetly kissed his boyfriend’s rosy cheeks. “Thanksgiving supper with my family.”

“What happened to your I-don’t-see-the-rush? I’m not meeting your family.” Jaejoong wiggled out of the embrace, tidying his clothes as he went to pick up his instant ramen. He inwardly winced a little of the austerity in his voice. Of course, he didn’t have anything against Yunho’s parents. He didn’t feel at ease for into a family supper. It would be awkward.

“As a friend please.” Yunho pressed, “I can’t let you spend the holiday alone in a dorm room with a cup of ramen. Besides, my parents are super nice; they are going to love you.”

“Do I have to?” Jaejoong asked in a tiny voice. A part of him really wanted to say ‘yes’ as he continued to contemplate his food.

“No, of course not.” The older man smiled and ruffled his boyfriend’s messy bed hair. “My mother’s going to be so disappointed, but it’s alright.”

“Ok, ok, fine.” The freeman rolled his eyes and put the cup noodle back on his desk. “What should I wear? I have nothing formal.”

“Shirt and jeans will do just fine.”

Jaejoong rolled his eyes and started to ransack through his drawers. He pulled out his only non-jeans trousers and a marine dress-shirt. As he got dressed, Yunho waited patiently outside of the room, tapping on the door from time to time to make sure Jaejoong wasn’t going to chicken out.

When Jaejoong stepped out, he came face to face with an agape Yunho. Surprised by such expression, he rechecked himself from head to toe. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, he asked, “Something’s wrong?”

“No, you look great.” Yunho praised his boyfriend who blushed slightly, cheeks in a healthy sheen of pink. “Come, I can’t wait to introduce you to my family.”

*

Yunho’s family home was huge and modern looking, very different from the traditional farmhouse Jaejoong lived in Jeju. Outdoor lamps illuminated the façade of the house from different angles, making it look like a palace. He couldn’t help the ‘wow’ from slipping through his lips when Yunho’s truck stopped in the semicircle road in front of the house. It looked like a mansion that came straight out of a magazine.

“It’s a good thing that I didn’t listen to you and wear jeans,” Jaejoong joked to hide the nervousness as he jumped out of the truck. He wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers and forced a smile on his face. “It’s a beautiful house.”

“My parents have a thing for extravagance. Don’t let it intimidate you though.”

“Well, it’s too late for that.” Jaejoong gazed one last time over the vast three-story building and tailed behind Yunho in awe.

The inside was as polished and refined as the outside. It was the first time he saw a real contemporary-minimalist décor. He could finally see the true finesse of it. The house was the apex of the land, contrary to the ranch where the size of the land and numbers of horses defined one’s wealth.

“Mother, we are here,” Yunho shouted from the entrance.

“What about your friend?”

“He’s next to me, alive and breathing,” he confirmed while handing Jaejoong a pair of slippers. “I can be very persuasive sometimes.”

“How dare you use reverse psychology on the poor child?” The tall woman scolded him as she walked toward them with an apron around her waist. Upon the first impression, she seemed to be a lovely person and sounded so very kind-hearted that Jaejoong found himself liking her immediately.

“I learned from the best.” Yunho laughed softly as he leaned down to kiss his mother’s cheek as a greeting before pulling away and officially introduced them. “Mom, this is Kim Jaejoong, a classmate of mine. Jae, this is Mrs. Jung, m