It was almost midnight when Yunho's car stopped in the driveway in front of his townhouse. Every light was already off, indirectly telling him that Ara didn’t stay up to wait for his return. He inserted the door’s code, dropped his bag on the floor by the entrance and toed off his shoes. He hung his coat inside the wardrobe before he went inside.

To his surprise, Ara still hadn’t gone to bed. She was on the sofa, cuddling comfortably under a thick blanket and with her tablet in her hand. She flipped the lamp on and looked up as her husband approached. Yunho seemed rather distracted when he greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. She didn’t say anything, simply watching him sit down in the armchair in front of her.

He leaned forward to rest his elbow on his knees. The expression on his face was starting to make her worry. She wanted to speak up, but instead, she chose to remain silent. She could feel his eyes looking blankly at her, or rather right through her. His mind was too preoccupied to acknowledge her. Nervously, she wiped her wet palms on the blanket and set her tablet aside. 

She never liked that expression; it reminded her too much of his coldness toward Jaejoong by the end of their relationship. She had seen how Yunho was physical there with Jaejoong, but inside his mind, he was elsewhere completely. She also saw the pain and hurt in Jaejoong’s eyes whenever Yunho gave him a dreary and empty kiss. She knew she was partially responsible. She was guilty because of her selfishness and her wish to have Yunho for herself.

Then, when she finally got Yunho, she couldn’t find her high school sweetheart inside the man Yunho had become. He had changed in too many ways for her to adjust. She, herself, wasn’t the same girl she used to be in high school. Nonetheless, she wanted a chance for them to be together.

“Ara…” Yunho sighed, finally meeting her eyes. “Are you... happy with me, with this marriage?”

“If you’re trying to ask for a divorce, you should just say it,” Ara said without batting an eyelash as if she already knew the end closing in. Though her heart broke a little and her face lost its colors, she finally admitted that maybe there was no second chance for them after all. “I can definitely say yes I'm happy, but you and I both know it's a lie.”

“Ara…”

“And before you started berating yourself for failing your duty as a husband, you should know I don’t blame you. I’ll never blame you,” she smiled bitterly and stood up from her seat, stepping closer to Yunho. Her hands tangled in his hair and she looked down in those sad eyes. She was desperate to make him stay by her side; the selfish part of her was still unwilling to let him go. Maybe people were right when they said that love was foolish and irrational. “You love me and it alone satisfies me. Our marriage is fine.”

“No, I can’t do this.” Yunho shook his head and leaned back in his armchair. “I love you, I really do, but I’m not in love with you. I have known you for so long and it’s unfair for you.”

“You had done it before.” Her voice was calm but poisoning, her hands trembling against his cheeks. “You loved Jaejoong and you ed him behind the closed door of your bedroom. As soon as Jaejoong was out of your sight for one second, you were talking about married life and children with me.”

“Yes, I did that and the guilt has been weighing on me since then! Jaejoong deserved so much better. He deserved the world and I made him believe I could give that to him. While in fact, I had nothing. The more I watch him struggling every day, the more I wish I’m his pillar just like before. I want him back...”

Ara gasped in horror, tears filled her eyes and her sobs were muffled as her hands clasped on . So, the truth was finally out… “You still love him,” she whispered softly; the revelation blew the air out of her like a forceful punch.

Yunho buried his head in his hands and sighed heavily, not able to look at the expression on her face. He didn’t want to hurt her; he really didn’t. Nonetheless, it seemed like that was all he managed to do, making people around him miserable. He was dragging every single person he cared about down with him in his sinking boat. Unfortunately for Ara, she became one of his already too many victims.

His fear of commitment to Jaejoong and his denial that he could love someone from the same ruined Jaejoong’s life. It also tainted his relationship with his siblings; his sister hated him and his brother was disappointed by his choice. Now here he was, breaking yet another heart. And for what? For him to go back to the starting point; back to Jaejoong. ‘What a brainless bastard you are!’ he sneered interiorly.

“You deserve better. You’re beautiful, you have a successful career. You can have anyone you want.”

“Why can’t you understand? I don’t want anyone else. I want you!” She kneeled down in front of him, taking his hands in her own. Her eyes were gleaming with tears as she gazed up at him. “He’s a man; he can never give you what you want. He can never give you the family you want.”

She said them again, the words that made him doubt about his relationship with Jaejoong. He was lost in the preconception of the society, the will to please other people around him. Above all, he was just a selfish and self-concerned guy who was seeking for a hideout. He was just a coward who couldn’t stand up for his own opinion.

“You’re right, he can never give me a child of my own,” he nodded, looking around him. “But this isn’t how I see my life. We have been together for almost a decade, married for nearly seven years and yet what do we have beside this house?”

‘Nothing...’ she almost answered with this painfully clear truth. They shared nothing, they had nothing. She didn’t even know her husband the way a wife should and it was her own fault. She worked so hard to have Yunho back. When they got married, she really thought she had won. However, she didn’t; she just started to mess everything up.

She was ambitious, she realized. She wanted a successful career and involuntarily, she neglected the first years of her marriage. While she should be nursing her matrimonial life with her newly-wed husband and build a family, she was busy working for her career. She just wanted to prove to men that women were also worthy in the athletic industry and that she was much more than just a pretty face.

The day she finally came home after securing her place as a manager for FC Seoul, she grasped that something was missing in her life, something she owned and lost again. The golden husband she introduced so proudly to her circle was drifting away. The kisses they shared had lost the sparkles and she had no one to blame. Looking back, she realized that their marriage had never been fine, they were just pretending until one of them couldn’t continue anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Ara.” Yunho smiled sadly, inching forward to give her a hug. She climbed on Yunho as if her life depended on it. He could feel her tears through his dress shirt and her body shook at each sob. “I’ll get the papers ready. I don’t think I can apologize enough for all pain I caused you. I’m sorry.”

That night, he packed his clothes and some belongings under his wife’s heavy eyes. She didn’t say anything or ask him to reconsider his decision. Nonetheless, he saw the determination on her face after he gave her a final kiss on her cheek. He accepted her silence as he walked out of the house.

For the first time since forever, he was free from everyone’s expectations. He would get Jaejoong back and nobody would ever stand in his way again; not Ara, not his mother, not the society and definitely not Jaejoong’s current lover. With this resolution, he drove back to his apartment. He was ready to start anew.

The following morning, he woke up to the sweet tangerine scent lingering on his pillow and the familiar weight of his old blankets on his tired body. A tender smile formed on his lips when he turned to his side facing the empty side of the bed.

“Morning, Jaejoongie,” he whispered softly before opening his eyes. The smile faltered when he saw the sheets untouched and cold. The fresh scent from Jeju that only Jaejoong carried lingered within the bedding, messing his head this early in the morning. “How I wish your face is still the first thing I see in the morning… Days with you were never monotonous.”
 

❖
{ past }

Yunho pulled his car in one of the rarely empty parking spots in the busy street. The nightlife was still as lively as the time when he was studying business management. Nothing really changed. He walked toward the club with lazy steps, avoiding a few drunken people who could barely walk.

The late night of autumn was warm with some cool breeze coming from the North. Loud music was blasting from the speakers behind the closed door. The surrounding walls did a poor job at muffling the sounds.

When he was in front of the bouncer, he flashed the big muscle guy a friendly smile and pulled out his ID card from his wallet. He knew he looked nothing like college freshmen, but it was a force of habit he had kept from his many party nights. He was just a step away from the entrance when the door busted open. His hand automatically held it for whoever was coming out.

Instead of moving away to let the person pass, Yunho’s feet were nailed to the ground. His eyes followed one of his classmates’ onyx hair walking out of the club without looking up, nose sniffing discreetly on his clothing before he suppressed a gagging reflex from bad smell lingering on him.

“You sure do have a thing about planking me down, Kim Jaejoong,” Yunho chuckled softly as Jaejoong dumped the top of his head against his chin. His free arm wrapped around the narrow waist and gently pressed the young man against him. “Am I really that irresistible?”

He saw Jaejoong’s eyes widened at the recognition of his voice before slowly tilted his head up. Under the dim neon light, Yunho swore he saw blush coloring the other’s cheeks. Then a nauseous smell reached his nose as he cocked his head to catch the sight of a wet patch on the back of Jaejoong’s shirt.

“Why do I always have to look so miserable in front of you?” Jaejoong whined, pushing himself away from the broad chest.

“Someone puked on you?”

“Seems like it…” he sighed, looking over his shoulder, trying to get a gleam of the disgusting spot. “Now I have to get back in dorm stinking like vomit. Seriously, what a fantastic evening!”

Jaejoong was so discouraged by the event of the evening that he didn’t even protest as Yunho held his hand and dragged him toward the street. Stopping next to his silver pickup, Yunho lowered the back of the driver seat and pulled out his sport bag. He searched inside it, taking out his clean spare shirt and handed it to Jaejoong wordlessly.

The doe eyes dropped on the extended hand, mind racing. “You really don’t have to do this…”

“But I want to. I can’t consider myself as a gentleman if I let such a beautiful person wearing ruined clothes.”

Jaejoong’s cheeks flushed harder, darkening by several shades at Yunho’s words. They made his stomach fuzzy and his palm sweating. He looked down at the offered shirt with hesitation before his eyes looked back on Yunho’s face, seeing only sincerity in the other’s eyes. He gave the older man a shy smile and finally took it.

“You really should hold your flatteries for the girls inside the club,” he said, turning around to hide his flushed cheeks in the pretext of undressing himself with modesty. “I mean, you can’t be drunk, right? You haven’t even stepped inside the club.”

Yunho took a sharp