True to his words, Yunho never brought up anything related to the kiss nor the lunch invitation in the following days. Except for a few greetings in the corridors or the civil conversations about their son, they barely exchanged any words. Honestly, Jaejoong expected more persistence. He was almost disappointed. Almost.

Pushing his personal feelings aside, he could see that Yunho was getting more impatient each passing day. Of course, he couldn’t blame him. On the other side, with Yunhwa’s never-ending talk about how much he wanted to meet his father, Jaejoong was losing his mind. However, when Jaejoong finally told his son about bringing Yunho along for a visit, the boy shut his mouth and shook his head frantically.

“Yunhwa, baby,” he sighed, his son’s hair tenderly. “You can’t make your father wait like this. He’s so eager about the thought of meeting you.”

“But what if he doesn’t like me?”

“But what if he adores and spoils you more than me?” Jaejoong rebutted. “You don’t want to let a chance like that pass, do you?”

Once again, Yunhwa frantically shook his head. He pursed his lips upward, sulking. He was in a deep dilemma and Jaejoong sighed again seeing how his son also inherited his insecurity. Deep inside, he felt a little sorry for Yunho at the moment, but there wasn’t anything he could do if Yunhwa didn’t agree.

“You don’t know him and you’re worried, I understand,” he said. “But I know your dad and he’s a great person. He’s making a lot of efforts just to get a glimpse of you. Don’t you think it would be fair to give him a chance?”

“If he’s that great, why aren’t you together like other parents?”

Jaejoong winced inwardly at the question. It did touch a nerve somewhere, deep inside. ‘Because he didn’t love me anymore’ was the answer that lingered on the tip of his tongue. Yet, somehow, he knew it wasn’t entirely true. It was partly his fault too. If he hadn’t left after their fight, maybe, just maybe... they would still be together as a couple. However, they would have been a pair of miserable souls forced together for a child. It wasn’t ideal, but Yunhwa would have two parents instead of one.

“Yunhwa, it’s not a question I can answer all by myself.” Jaejoong sighed. “But what happened between your father and me won’t change what we feel about you. You’re our son and we love you very much.”

“Then…” Yunhwa trailed off, unsure about what he was going to say before he asked hopefully, “You think dad can come by on my discharge day?”

“We can make that happen,” Jaejoong exclaimed, he wanted so much to squeeze Yunhwa in his arms for finally agreeing. It was the first step and the most difficult one. After that, things should go on smoothly, considering how Yunho tended to be marvellous around kids. “Three days and no turning back.”

“Yes, mom,” Yunhwa pouted. His expression carried a bit of excitement, of doubt and fear.

“Good!” Jaejoong nodded in agreement. Then, he spun his son around and gave him a little push toward the bathroom. “Go shower now. I’ll call your dad. You have no idea how happy he’ll be, baby.”

Yunhwa still had that hesitant expression lingering on his face as he disappeared in the bathroom. When he was about to shut the door behind him, Jaejoong cleared his throat. “Keep the door unlocked. I don’t want you to fall again or something,” he said with worry. “Last time you almost gave me a heart attack.”

Yunhwa looked back at him with a sheepish grin. A month earlier, his feet were finally steady enough for him to go around without assistance. When he was in the shower, he got dizzy and slipped on the wet tiling. He got a big bruise on his knee. Although nothing serious happened, he managed to give his mother a scare. Jaejoong was locked outside and unable to do anything. The sound of his son’s fall made his heart drop. He hated it whenever his precious Yunhwa got hurt. He felt totally powerless, watching his son struggling with pain and he couldn’t do anything to take it away.

Myocarditis had damaged a part of Yunhwa’s heart muscle, leaving the heart feeble. The doctor said it was simply due to the lack of oxygen in his blood since it circulated more slowly in his body because of his weak heartbeats. Dizziness would be frequent over the first years of recovery, but shouldn’t be permanent.

As the water started running in the bathroom, Jaejoong picked up the landline phone and dialled Yunho’s number that he ended up memorizing. He waited for the other to pick up. The longer the phone rang unanswered, the more unsettled and nervous he became. Unconsciously, his knees started bouncing and his hands got more sweaty by the minute. Slowly, he let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding when the line was finally connected.

“Hello?” A too familiar voice spoke, but it wasn’t the person he was looking for. A confused frown sidled on his face. He flipped through the Harry Potter book on the nightstand; looking for the business card that Yunhwa ended up using as a bookmark for his favourite series. Double-checking the numbers written on the back, he did dial the right one.

“Jihoon hyung?” he blurted out, puzzled. “Where’s Yunho?”

“What? Don’t you want to share a few words with your favourite brother-in-law?” Yunho’s older brother forged a fake pained voice and Jaejoong chuckled softly, remembering the old time. How the Jung siblings were all the same; joyful, lively.

“You were my only brother-in-law, hyung.”

“‘Were’, past tense. Ouch!”

Jung Jihoon had always been the older brother Jaejoong never had, so understanding and supportive. He loved Yunho’s family so much; they used to be like a second family for him. He would have given up everything to have them back. That way, he and Yunhwa would feel less lonely in this huge city.

“You will always be my favourite hyung and Yunhwa’s beloved uncle.” He reassured Jihoon with a heart-warming laugh. “The best we’ve ever had.”

Flattered, Jihoon chuckled in his usual loving and brotherly way. “Yunho’s on a phone conference with one of his clients and his assistant right now. Are you in a hurry? I’ll tell him to call you back.”

“No, It’s alright.” Jaejoong sighed. “I was calling to tell him that Yunhwa agreed to meet him on the day of his hospital release.”

“That’s great! He’ll be so happy to hear that.”

Jaejoong could tell that Jihoon was truly thrilled for his brother and suddenly something strange emerged from deep inside. A feeling of hostility he had never felt before, not even when he was losing Yunho to Ara when they dated back then.

Now looking back, his love for Yunho was dull compared to his love for Yunhwa. The root of motherhood was deeply anchored in him. The thought of him sharing his son with another person, someone he couldn’t trust entirely, fuelled that negative feeling. No, it wasn’t the fear of sharing. It was actually the fear of losing his baby boy to the person who broke him. As the inevitable encounter approached, he was more troubled by all kinds of doubts. Nonetheless, it was understandable. He only wanted the best of his son after all.

When he didn’t say anything in return, leaving the line in a long and dead silence, Jihoon got worried. Even though he couldn’t see the young man at the moment, he knew him well enough to realize what unsettled him.

“How are things between you two?” he asked in a gentle tone. “Did you talk about what to do from now on? Your relationship will be really different now with a kid, Jaejoongie.”

Of course, they hadn’t talked about it. Every time Yunho brought up this subject, Jaejoong would shy away from it one way or another, always finding a reason or an excuse to push back the conversation. He had no idea where he stood in this reconstructed family or where he wanted Yunho to stand. They still had a long way to go before they could figure this out.

“We are…” Jaejoong trailed off, trying to find the right word to describe their relationship. They were more than acquaintances, but they were not friends. They were parents of a child, but they were not together. Damn, his life was complicated. “We are civil and have cordial talks.”

“But will that be enough?” Jihoon pushed the paralegal a little further. “I know you still have feelings for him. Will you be happy with this civil relationship, knowing that he loves you too?”

“There is no us, hyung. Yunho is married.” Jaejoong cut in, stating the simple fact.

“He’s divorced-”

“Divorcing,” he corrected immediately. “But it doesn’t matter, hyung. I doubt there’s an us to begin with.”

Jaejoong naturally thought that Jihoon, as Yunho’s brother, would side with Yunho in this matter. Nonetheless, he didn’t know that Jihoon had long given up on his brother. After Yunho persisted in marrying Ara as their parents wished, Jihoon stopped meddling with Yunho’s personal life altogether. He would have told his brother about Yunhwa before the wedding if he hadn’t promised Jaejoong to keep his mouth shut. He would have told him how a four-year-old boy was bullied in his kindergarten because he didn’t have a father and because his mother was a man. Perhaps he could have prevented this mistake from continuing for so long. Then again, would Yunho even realize the misstep he made for letting Jaejoong go?

Giving a futile glare toward the bedroom, Jihoon comforted himself that maybe everything turned out to be the best now. Yunho truly looked happy again. The cheerfulness raised and fell in his voice whenever he started talking about his plans for his own little family. His smiles looked more carefree and his eyes shone with a new light. He was undeniably delighted.

Tonight was their first brotherly hangout night in years. To say he was surprised by the sudden invitation would be an understatement. He expected a furious Yunho to give him cold shoulders for hiding such a big secret from him. Instead, a guilt-ridden and gloomy boy called him, asking for his big brother’s advice and consolation. It was good to see the tiring façade down for good, no more pretending.

They talked through the night over beers and fried chicken. Jihoon only wished that Jaejoong were there to listen to all the things Yunho had said; all the silly, dreamy and heartfelt things, sometimes with sorrow and hope.

“I agree with you on many things, but what you just said? I don’t think so,” he disagreed. “I can’t tell you what to do. I think both of you need a serious conversation to sort out his complicated situation.”

“I will,” Jaejoong answered truthfully. As another silence lingered on the phone, he heard the faucet turning off through the opened door. Considering this as a good escape route, he said, “Yunhwa just finished his shower, I need to go. I’ll call back later.”

“Sure, I’ll let Yunho know.” Jihoon’s voice sounded as understanding as ever, not taking the abrupt interruption to heart. “But just one last question. Do you love him?”

Jaejoong gave a quick glare toward the bathroom. ‘I always do,’ his heart screamed without a second thought. Nonetheless, the words choked somewhere in his throat. He momentarily put the phone against his chest as heat washed over him. Using this moment to settle the wave of emotions, he quickly told his son to blow dry his hair before setting the receiver back to his ear. He was grateful his voice came out controlled and composed.

Listening to the noise from the bathroom and making sure Yunhwa didn’t overhear him, Jaejoong mumbled to the device. “What is love, hyung? The more time we spend together, the more my heart hurts. He’s right there yet I don’t know what to do. Everything is just so complicated.”

“Love is complicated, Jaejoongie,” Jihoon replied compassionately. You two are meant for each other, you just didn’t know it yet.

“I… I have to go.” Jaejoong swallowed the lump swelling in his throat. “Tell Yunho I’ll call back tomorrow, ok?”

Jihoon hummed his answer before wishing him a good night. He hung up and suddenly felt very tired. These two young people were giving him a headache. All sob talks and no action; he was getting too old to play Cupid again. He looked up at the clock on the call. He put back the cellphone on the coffee table and tiptoed to the bedroom. He quietly tapped on the door. He could still hear Yunho on his work phone, talking in professional terms he didn’t really understand.

He listened to the paper flipping and hurried steps as the door cracked open. His brother gave him an apologetic smile and mumbled something on the phone. Taking the device away from his ear, Yunho said. “Give me five minutes, hyung. I’m almost done.”

“No, take your time.” Jihoon waved a hand in front of him. “Your sister-in-law is expecting me at home by nine. I have to tuck the girls in bed. Let’s do this again another time, little brother.”

“Yes, sure.”

“And Jaejoong just called. He said he’d call again tomorrow.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

Putting the phone again against his ear, he walked his brother to the door. Giving him one last hug, he closed the front door behind him. The conference continued on, but no words really registered in his mind as he dropped his weight on the couch and reached out for his personal phone. With his free hand, he tapped a message to Jaejoong as quickly as his thumb could go.

He hummed absently at the voices on the phone until his client finally finished whining about every single detail in the corporation merge deal. He let his assistant wrap up the end of the conference. Surely, Tiffany had noted down the points that left him unsatisfied. He would look into them tomorrow. He just wanted to get off the phone and perhaps call Jaejoong if the paralegal would be able to squish in a few minutes for him.

“Tiffany, I have another important call to make,” Yunho said as soon as his clients hung up, leaving only the two of them on the line. “Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”

“You’re a nice boss, but gosh I hate you sometimes.” Tiffany didn’t ask, just cut the line without saying goodbye.

Yunho chuckled at her words and dropped his work phone on the couch beside him. He leaned on the backrest and rubbed a hand over his face. His surroundings were so calm and he felt some kind of loneliness sipping in his soul.

He looked around the apartment and it seemed way too big than what he needed. It used to feel like home and cozy. It could have been noisier with energetic kids running around and Jaejoong cuddling with him on the couch. But there he was, all by himself and wistful for more.

His eyes returned to his personal phone. The screen was black and Jaejoong had yet to reply to his message. He reassured himself that it wasn’t something urgent or Jaejoong would have tried to contact him again. Pushing his tired and heavy weight off his seat, he lumped toward his bedroom for some rest. He slid the device under his pillow and went to prepare for the bed.

❖

{ past }

Jaejoong stretched lazily on the couch in his boyfriend’s apartment. He had been so busy with his finals he forgot how good it felt to be able to lounge there and do absolutely nothing. Accidently, his fingers tightened around the TV remote in his hand and the screen switched to a news channel.

Yunho gave him a small shove on the arm and snatched the remote away. He laughed softly, watching Jaejoong slide down on the couch and swung both legs over his lap. They hadn’t been dating for long, almost two months and a half, but Jaejoong felt incredibly at ease whenever they were together.

The older student absently rubbed Jaejoong’s knee before his hand wandered down to his ankle. Somehow, his hand found its way inside the leg of his sweatpants. Jaejoong sighed deeply and relaxed on the couch. The warm palm against his bare skin was so soothing, up and down his shin. He could stay hours lying there without moving, under Yunho’s affectionate touches. If this was love, he wanted it to last forever.

He barely had the time to close his eyes when a cushion landed on his face. He groaned at the impact. Picking up the offending object, he held it over his head. He was about to throw it back, but Yunho’s expression was serious, too serious.

“Don’t lie on the armrest without a pillow behind your back,” Yunho scolded gently. “You’ll get a sore neck later.”

Jaejoong pushed his lower lip into an unimpressed pout and snuggled closer to his boyfriend until his head dropped on the couch seat. “Here, I don’t need the cushion anymore.”

Yunho looked at the younger student sharply, pointing a warning finger in front of him. He carefully shifted aside until his back touched the armrest, staying as far away as possible from Jaejoong’s aim. “Don’t you dare!”

Jaejoong crooked an eyebrow in challenge. He swung the cushion above him and aimed directly at Yunho's head. He hummed in victory at his little revenge. “You started it!”

“And now, let me finish it!” Yunho’s hands firmly grabbed Jaejoong's legs and tugged him until he was halfway on his laps. He wiggled his fingers in front of him before attacking his boyfriend’s side.

Jaejoong was writhing against the couch, laughing and trying to fend off the offending hands. He admitted defeat. He should have never told Yunho he was ticklish. “Stop, stop! You win,” he begged between tears.

He relaxed when Yunho finally took pity on him and stopped torturing him. He looked up as the other hovered over him. Hands settled on each side of his head as Yunho balanced his weight. Jaejoong didn’t protest when the taller man lowered his body against him tentatively. Rather, he welcomed this new level of intimacy.

He slightly parted his legs, finding a more comfortable position for them both in this small cramped place. His hands wandered around the broad back, feeling each muscle under his palm. A finger under his chin tilted his head up and sweet lips covered his. He closed his eyes and sighed contentedly in the kiss. He was in heaven.

“You’re so beautiful, love. I wish you could see yourself right now,” Yunho whispered softly. His loving gaze trailed from the wet blushing lips, toward the pink and heated cheeks. He chuckled when Jaejoong grimaced at the compliment. The latter wasn’t exactly fond of being called that way, but it never stopped Yunho from saying it. “Beautiful, gorgeous, breathtaking, dazzling, wonderful.”

“And you’re a cheese ball.”

“That’s totally fine with me, as long as you have a thing for cheese balls.” Yunho’s lips twitched a little to contain a smile. He leaned down for another kiss, more demanding than the last one. His impatient tongue pushed between the ravished lips, asking for more.

Jaejoong gave Yunho’s lower lip a hard before parting his lips. He moaned at the tickling sensation as the other’s tongue moved against the roof of his mouth. Unconsciously, his hips buckled up and his thighs squeezed against Yunho’s side in a vain attempt to restrain the desire flowing in his body. He whimpered desperately when Yunho’s mouth parted from his lips, kissing down the side of his neck, and nibbling.

Teasingly, Yunho rotated his hips against his boyfriend and his hands tangled his soft locks. His body welded against Jaejoong, feeling every curve and every shiver. It was different from holding a woman, yet not any less exciting. Finding his way back to the quivering lips, he lingered there, not wanting to let them go so soon.

Jaejoong tentatively took over the lead and Yunho gladly let him. The kisses were a little clumsy. Nonetheless, he could cuddle with Jaejoong and enjoy them all day long. They had a little je-ne-sais-quoi that made them so perfect. He returned the kisses with affection.

They both groaned in unison when Yunho’s cell phone interrupted them, but had no intention to part until Yunho grew annoyed and fished out his phone from his jeans. Flipping the cover of the phone up, he put it on his ears as he forced himself away.

“Hello,” he mumbled into the phone, the displeasure clear in his voice. The moment the person on the other end of the line spoke, his whole demeanour changed. “Hi, mom.”

Jaejoong looked up curiously, feeling Yunho tense against him. He tried to school his laboured breath and slowly wiggled himself away, but Yunho had other thoughts. The older student lied back down, snuggling his head under his boyfriend’s chin. He breathed out slowly, letting Jaejoong absently rub his back until he relaxed under those doting hands.

“Nothing much, just watching a movie with a friend. Yes, it’s Jaejoong,” At the mention of Jaejoong’s name, his mother’s voice got more animated. “What? No, I’m not putting him on the phone. For God’s sake, mom, he’s too young for you.”

Jaejoong bit down on his lower lip to stop himself from laughing. He shrugged when Yunho pinned him with an unhappy glare. He knew Yunho’s mother was quite fond of him, but seeing his boyfriend trying to fend her off was funny.

“You can’t be serious. Jaejoong is leaving for his hometown soon,” Yunho continued bickering with his mother. “Ok, ok. I’ll ask him. But you have no right to kick me out of the family dinner if he can’t come. I have no control over his decisions.”

“What’s going on?” Jaejoong mouthed to the older man who looked back at him again, totally exasperated. Inwardly, he was enjoying the whole scene. ‘So this is where he learned the reversed psychology from.’

“When are you leaving for Jeju?”

“I booked a flight on January 6th, why?”

“Mom wants you over the house for New Year Eve’s supper and she doesn’t take ‘no’ as an answer.” Yunho rolled his eyes and held his phone away from his ears as his mother disapproved of his choice of words. “So I’m just gonna accept on your behalf because my invitation also depends on it.”

The younger student didn’t even have time to register any of the words. Once, his mind had finally processed everything, he protested yet he was one second too late. Yunho closed his flip phone and dropped it somewhere on the couch.

With that being settled, they spent the next hour cuddling and goofing around. The movie had long been forgotten and left unwatched on the television.

“Why don’t you stay over?” Yunho asked as he pecked on Jaejoong’s head. His arms wrapped around the other tightly, not wanting to let him go. “I got a guest room.”

“You know I don’t like sleeping in unfamiliar places. I need to go, it’s getting late.” Jaejoong patted on his boyfriend’s arms and untangled himself from the embrace. He stood up from the couch and straightened his clothes.

“Alright, love.” Sighing in understanding, Yunho pushed himself out of his seat. He followed Jaejoong, picking up his keys and coat. “Come on, I’ll drive you back.”

Smiling, Jaejoong wondered if Yunho could be any more perfect.

❖

The supper was delicious without a doubt. However, this time, the homey taste of the food was lacking. Considering the number of guests around the table, mostly family and some close friends of the Jungs, a cook was hired for the event.

Jaejoong looked up when a gentle hand squeezed his thigh lightly. He turned to his boyfriend and forced a smile on his face to cover the awkwardness. He couldn’t help but feel so out of place around the table without people he knew.

Yunho moved his chin slightly toward Jaejoong’s plate, silently telling him to eat up, but Jaejoong wasn’t feeling good at all. He picked up a piece of meat with his chopsticks and took a small bite. He didn’t feel like eating even though his stomach growled in hunger.

By the end of the supper, his plate was still half-full. When tea and coffee were served, he excused himself from the table, desperately in need of some fresh air. He went to retrieve his coat and shoes. He was going to be sick; he could feel it. He delayed his plane back to Jeju because of his condition, but he didn’t expect it to happen this soon. More than all, he didn’t want Yunho to know about his condition yet.

“Hey, are you alright?” Yunho asked in concern, carding his hand through Jaejoong’s hair. “You barely ate anything.”

Jaejoong nodded in reply, leaning into his boyfriend’s hand with unsaid reassurance. “I just need some fresh air. I’ll be right back.”

“Come, I’ll show you the garden.” Yunho picked up his own coat and shoes before turning his body to Jaejoong. He waved a hand in front of hi