Jaejoong glared at the wall clock every few minutes. He was having a hard time concentrating on his works despite the pile of files on his desk. A lot of things preoccupied his mind, and it wasn’t helping when his eyes kept drifting toward his ex-boyfriend who was seated in the office right across his, busy consulting another paralegal.

How naive of him to believe that he could just work near Yunho and not be affected by his presence. Of course, he still had feelings for him, the unconditional hatred he had carried from the bottom of his heart since as long as he could remember. But deep down inside, he was thankful to be able to find an ounce of happiness in the dark ocean of sorrow.

He gently massaged his temple and closed his eyelids for a few seconds to rest his dry eyes. He could feel the lack of sleep catching up. When he thought he was ready, he attempted to continue working on his computer only to give up after reading two lines. With a heavy sigh, he grabbed his empty cup of coffee and stood up from his chair.

Coffee had never been his first choice beverage and to be able to drink five cups since this morning was a new achievement. Now, he desperately needed another one to stay focus. When he turned around the corner of the hall, inside the kitchenette, he saw an empty pot sitting on the brewing machine. If he wasn’t so tired, he would have just turned around, went back to his office and waited for someone else to make some fresh coffee. Instead, he took the bag of ground coffee beans from the cabin, mechanically put a paper filter in the machine and filled it with coffee. He pressed the start button and waited.

He leaned against the counter, letting the humming sound of the machine to empty his preoccupied mind. His heavy eyelids were starting to close and he made no effort to keep them open. ‘Just a few seconds,’ he said to himself. However, the seconds turned into minutes. He was calm, swimming in semi-consciousness, somewhere between dreamland and reality. His legs seemed to go jelly under his weight, but he was too lazy to find a seat somewhere.

A large hand firmly seized his arm, jerking him upward made him realize that he had fallen asleep. He rubbed his free hand across his face, thankful to be caught before he would stumble to the ground. He put on a polite smile and turned to face the person who had just saved him from possible bruises, but his smile disappeared at once. His stomach quivered in what he considered as anxiety. He immediately freed himself from the iron grasp and turned to pour himself a new cup of coffee, wondering why he hadn’t heard the beeping sound from the machine when the beverage was ready to be served. From the corner of his eyes, he could see the shocked expression appearing on the other person’s face.

“Do you need some fresh coffee too, Mr. Jung?” He asked, bringing the cup to his lips and took a small sip with all his polished behaviors. Nonetheless, in his head, he could see himself pouring the entire pot of hot beverage on Yunho’s five thousand dollars suit. He sneered at the simple thought, wishing that he could really do it instead.

“You had always hated the bitter taste of coffee; it’s surprising to see you enjoying it now,” Yunho said, ignoring the previous question. He was about to go back to his office when he saw Jaejoong wobbling down the hall and decided on the impulse of the moment to follow him. They needed to talk. No, more likely he needed to apologize. He just didn’t expect to see the other so exhausted. If he had arrived any minutes later, he would have been alarmed to find him face down on the floor.

“People change; as life got bitter, coffee became sweeter.”

“I’m serious Jaejoong. When was the last time you got some proper rest?” He reached out to caress the ashen skin, but Jaejoong jerked away as if his touches could burn him. Yunho’s face went rigid as he let his hand tightened around the empty air before shoving it back inside the pocket of his pants. His stomach twisted painfully at the sight of the other’s recoil. He knew that there were no words to describe how deep the wounds he had inflicted on Jaejoong’s heart were. He wished that he could find whatever excuses for his behaviors back then, but he had none. His face tightened and muscles ticking in his jaw. He was a merciless bastard.

“Two hours last night, maybe three the night before,” Jaejoong said, voice cold and head high. He refused to let Yunho’s proximity affect him. He refused to let Yunho’s advertent eyes to read him like an open book. A slight misstep from him would lead all his secrets out and he definitely had a lot to hide. “Don’t bother yourself about me; I couldn’t care less about your concerns.”

For the last three years or so at the firm, Yunho had never once spoken to him on his own free will. The few times they actually exchanged some brief words were during mutual friends greeting or company gatherings. Now that they were face to face, having some decent conversation, Jaejoong was surprised that he didn’t just jump on the lawyer and threw a few punches to ruin his irresistibly handsome face. Feeling proud to have this much self-control, he marched past him, purposely bumping on his shoulder at the same time. His coffee danced in his half-filled cup as some drops threatening to fall from the edge.

“Contrary to what you think, I care about my friends,” Yunho spoke up, halting the paralegal mid step. “I care about you.”

“The problem is I’m not your friend, Yunho.” Jaejoong wanted to shout, to yell. Instead, he found himself whispering the words softly, his back facing the lawyer. He was scared that if he voiced them too loud, his old wounds would reopen. A nostalgic smile faintly appeared on his face and uneasiness harshly twisted something inside him as he repeated the two words that ripped him from heaven and let him fall freely into hell. “I was just an inconvenient infatuation in the past. I’m nothing in the present.”

With unstable steps, he made his way back to his office. And to calm his turbulent stomach, he brought his cup to his lips, slowly sipping the detestable bitter coffee. When he noticed his teeth lightly scraping against the edge of the cup, he realized that his hands were trembling. During the past ten years, he had pictured this first personal conversation with Yunho in many different scenarios; from the pitiful ex-lover to the hysterical . However, the feeling of being independent and proud in front of the person who ruined everything was surprisingly refreshing. He was pleased to see sorrowful expressions played in Yunho’s eyes or how the guilt flashed at the mention of the past. It was all too delightful. Should he thank his lack of sleep and exhaustion for his new impenetrable shell? Most probably, or otherwise, he didn’t know what he would have done. Something stupid maybe, like actually pouring coffee on the ridiculously expensive suit? Okay, perhaps not the entire pot, but at least the half-filled cup he was holding at that time, just for his self-satisfaction.

Jaejoong had always considered his life as a callous road. Whenever things seemed to be going on for the best, there’s always a downfall waiting for him somewhere ahead. As if he hadn’t already had enough things to worry about, Yunho just had to choose this precise moment to make the grand entrance back in his life. Yes, in his life, because it’s Jung Yunho after all. The lawyer didn’t just stop by to ask him about his well-being and to have a little chat. There had always been a little asterisk on his actions or something that people disregarded easily. If he decided to have a discussion with Jaejoong, then the discussion wouldn’t end until he said so. And it’s definitely not anytime soon.
 

❖
{ past }

It was the first day of college and the first day needed to be perfect in Jaejoong’s book. For that reason, he spent most of his times the day before to explore the whole campus and to be familiar with the new environment. Seoul was huge and disorienting for a countryside boy, and so was S university. In Jeju, the part of the island where he lived didn’t count more than a few hundreds of inhabitants. So Seoul was something entirely new to him. The heat, the ocean of people, and mostly the lack of friendliness were foreign and bothered him to no end.

With the campus map in his hands, he walked crossed the ground of the university, and when he returned to his dorm room later in the afternoon with a pack of instant ramen, he was sure that his first day would go on without any problem. Nonetheless, he forgot one thing, the most important thing for every student: to set his alarm.

Because of his carelessness, now, he had to run across the campus for his morning class with a foodless stomach and a terrible cramp on his side. He went up the stairs of the main building, ascending the steps two at a time. He could already hear his cousin nagging him about being careful with his health, but Junsu was not there. So… it’s okay.

His class would be starting at eight and the last time he glared at his wristwatch, it was already eight sharp. He hated to be late for his classes. He hated to have to disturb the teacher during his lecture; how the teacher would stop talking just so he could watch him finding a seat in the mass of students in the amphitheater and the fake cough before the teacher resumed his lecture. He could already feel all the eyes on him, hundreds of them sculpting his every move until he could disappear into the background. It’s simple yet utterly awkward and unpleasant.

He looked at his watch for the nth time since he woke up as he turned to the right behind the front door. He didn’t notice the board chest or the tall guy whom he was darting toward until his head knocked on the hard chest and fell back. Well, almost fell back on his bottom if strong arms hadn’t held him. The same arms tightened around his waist, pressing him firmly against the warm surface, molding him against the lean body.

Jaejoong would probably have enjoyed the moment if nothing had gone wrong. Much to his annoyance, the strap of his favorite messenger bag chose this exact moment to break. And as if things couldn’t be more disastrous, he had to grab the other end of the strap to prevent it from falling, causing the content of his bag to scatter across the floor from the ped opening.