Music~

Baro’s POV

I heard the muffled rush of water as Jin Young started to shower. I watched our maknae go to bed all alone. I felt Sandeul get up from the couch beside me and walk off to the kitchen.

The thin, flaking fabric of the cheap sofa felt strangely prickly under my skin. Though my eyes were on the television, I hardly took in whatever was showing.

What time was it? Midnight? It felt like ages had passed since that phone call. But I didn’t dare to wish for morning to come. Because it might just bring a verdict that would change our lives for the worst forever.

It was so cold. My eyes itched from exhaustion, but my conscience forced me awake. Every part of me just needed to sleep so badly. My muscles were screaming out for rest. But I couldn’t sleep.

Finally, my focus came to rest on the television, desperate for some form of distraction. It was on the news channel now. Something about international sports.

Blablablah golf blablablah fancy foreign name blablablah.

“...and now we move onto Entertainment news.”

Immediately, the memories of the nights we all used to spend huddled in front of the television watching the Entertainment section swam before my eyes. We’d watch eagerly after a performance at a big event, hoping to catch footage of ourselves.

Jin Young would criticise an ever so slight mistake he’d made, and either Sandeul or I would tell him to shut up. Leader would complain that we weren’t taking this seriously enough, and we’d retort, just to mess with him. Gong Chan would somehow get himself involved in the argument, and then hyungnim would groan for all of us to just keep quiet because we were hurting his ears.

I remember always teasing him that he was getting senile and couldn’t take loud noises. But I knew he took the ribbing so we wouldn’t argue anymore.

He did things I just couldn’t understand sometimes. Sometimes he fell silent during our conversations. He kept things that I knew I would never comprehend under wraps within his mind. Whenever he stared off into space, with that distant, lost look in his dark eyes, I’d wonder inwardly what went through his head. 

“...and we have a special new report on local boy band, B1A4.”

I looked up immediately, shocked. Why were we on the news?

“Just this evening, we received word that Shin Dong Woo, eldest member of B1A4, collapsed on the Music Core stage due to unknown reasons. He was admitted into Seoul General immediately,” a lady completely caked in make-up was speaking brightly to the camera. “According to the source, he “suddenly fell to the floor of his own accord, and began writhing and screaming in pain”.”

I was stunned. How did they know this? Did Music Core leak the information?

“Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?” the news reporter looked absolutely delighted. The sudden urge to reach through the television and strangle her tugged at my nerves. “With pain of that intensity, our source stated that he could even be on the brink of death. But we are here to assure you that BANAs aren’t to worry, because frankly, it was just so obvious that this was merely a stunt to gain more publicity.”

...what?

“Obviously, if he had been in such pain, he wouldn’t have suddenly collapsed of it on the stage. He wouldn’t even have gone on stage. He would have been sent to the hospital immediately. And, with word from our source, his band members’ reactions to his collapse were heavily over-exaggerated. Clearly, they were only acting.”

Only acting?

“This especially goes for the youngest member, who was seen “on his knees, melodramatically crying his eyes out”. It was clear to our source that he was just playing along.”

I shot my room a glance, and heaved an inward sigh of relief to see that Channie was fast asleep in his bunk. However, my relief turned to rage as soon as my eyes returned to the screen.

They don’t know how much Chanshik suffered tonight. That’s the stupidest accusation I’ve ever heard.

“Honestly, if B1A4 is watching this now, I’ll offer you some advice: please do improve on your acting,” the lady said with a smile that sickened me. “And maybe choose someone younger to do the stunt; they garner more pity.”

I wanted to smash her powdered face in. I’d never felt so much unjust wrath before in my life. Our hyung is dying, and there she is, tittering away over how fake it seemed...

But I realised, with a sinking sensation, that I inwardly wished what she said was true. That this was all some sick hoax, that Dong Woo wasn’t fighting for his life on some operation table miles away.

The news reader moved on to bash some other poor group, as I struggled to try and regain my composure.

“Sick bastards,” I finally hissed, grabbing the remote and snapping the television off, before lying back down on the sofa with a thump. My breathing was harsh and uneven, as the emotion flickered and wavered like an uncontrolled fire.

They don’t know what we went through tonight.

Chanshik was traumatised by tonight’s events. Sandeul had the life frightened out of him. Jinyoung was beating himself up in guilt.

As for me...

I sank further back into the sofa, as my head spun.

I’ve never felt this afraid in my life. I feel conflicted, I feel unsafe, I feel frazzled and unnerved.

What would happen if he really left us? The thought made me shiver inwardly. Would life ever be the same waking up every morning to see his bunk empty? Would our promotions and filming carry on just as usual? Would we be able to live the same without him?

As I mulled over my fears, the question occurred to me.

But if we feel like this, how does he feel?

Afraid? Confused? In pain? Probably all three. Coming from the countryside, the five of us grew up in a sheltered childhood. We knew the tricks of simple living, but when it came to the fast pace of city life, we were oblivious. Things like the latest economic figures or advancements in technology were alien to us, so, as could be expected, we didn’t know a thing about medical methodology. Survival rates, medical risks, causes of sicknesses...

I couldn’t help but feel that we’d just handed the life of our eldest hyung over to something we didn’t know anything about.

He must be terrified, I kept thinking over and over again. But if we were with him, we’d still probably be the ones panicking. He would be the one trying to calm us down.

Again, that made me wonder what his thoughts and feelings would be. In front of the cameras, our genuine opinions were a taboo subject. But even when we were alone, on Saturday nights, when we were supposed to tell one another our feelings during the week, he kept his feedback strictly objective. No one truly knew when he was upset, angry, or happy.

What did he really feel? I couldn’t help but ask myself once more.

The last time he’d spoken his mind to me felt like ages ago, but it was one of the closest memories I had about him.

Reluctantly, I pulled the memory back from the past, the images in my mind already fuzzy and fading.

“Now that we’ve seen Jin Young hyung and Sandeul, we shall embark on the search for hyungnim,” I whispered to the video camera in my hands as I began navigating my way from the recording studio to the elevator.

I was starting to like this self filming thing. MTV told us to shoot some of our own footage for our “Match Up” program, and Jin Young had assigned me, Sandeul and Channie to do most of the filming, since the three of us were the most comfortable in front of the camera out of B1A4. Since Chanshik was away doing a modelling shoot, and Sandeul was busy practicing his singing, it was left to me to do some filming before it was time for us to return to our dorm for the night.

Checking my watch, I shrugged before pushing the “up” button on the elevator. It was ten twenty-five, and that gave me about thirty-five minutes to film whatever I wanted to before Jin Young would round us up to return to the dormitory.

Panning the camera around as soon as I stepped out of the elevator, I headed for the dance studios. Shin Woo hyung told Jin Young he would be practicing our routine as soon as we split up at the entrance of the building, and it was just my luck that I heard it. Passing the dark, empty studios until I finally reached the one at the end, I zoomed in on the weak florescent light streaming out from the window in the door. I could hear music coming from the studio, muffled by the thick wooden door. Stopping outside the door, I peered through the glass pane.

Shin Woo hyung was there all right, but whatever he was dancing to, it certainly didn’t look like any of our songs. I opened the door by just a crack, allowing me to look in, and also to poke the lens of the video camera through.

Music pounded through my ears as soon as I opened the door, and it took me a while before I could recognise it. I tilted my head slightly in bemusement. I never knew Shin Woo listened to songs by our Super Junior sunbaes.

As the lyrics and melody of “It’s You” continued to fill my ears, I started to frown slightly in confusion. He never danced to this kind of music. He enjoyed dancing to powerful, fast-paced, exciting songs. That was how he danced. When he lost himself to the music, his movements became deadly defined and rapid, yet as fluid and natural as though he’d known the moves all his life.

Even now, as his body moved to the music, it was smooth and purposeful, but I could sense the frustration he was venting through the movements. Occasionally, in a particularly exaggerated dance step, he would slip on the beat while executing it, like he was trying to dance as much of his emotions out as possible.

My frown deepened as his movements petered off after the chorus, and he paced across the studio. His breathing was heavy and uneven as he tugged off his black glasses and tossed them with more force than necessary onto the old couch in the corner, before pacing back, hands resting on his hips, and diving right back into the dance midway through the bridge.

There was definitely something bothering him.

His body rippled to the music, now hitting every step in perfect time. His plain white shirt was damp with perspiration, and he impatiently swept his bangs out of his face as he entered the final verse, his movements still oozing anger and dissatisfaction.

He finished the song with a flourish, but held the position for barely a split second before releasing it, and storming to the stereo to turn off the music.

Finally, I decided to make my presence known.

“Hyungnim?” I opened the door fully, stepping into the studio, still holding my video camera carefully.

He seemed to brighten upon hearing my voice, turning around in surprise, but his eyes darkened as they locked onto the video camera in my hands.

“Turn that thing off,” his voice sounded laboured and annoyed, as he turned away from me.

I whined, part of my act while on camera.

“But this is for Match Up, hyung! Don’t be so grumpy. No wonder everyone calls you bear-umma.”

“I’m serious,” he growled, his voice undeniably sharper now, as he stormed away from the camera to grab his glasses from the couch.

Only the five of us knew why he really wore those frames. Our company made him despise his eyes. The glasses were worn to hide them.

Pulling a face, I finally pressed the stop button on the recording.

“Hyung, what’s on your mind?”

He was leaning against the wooden rail at the side of the room, taking a deep swig out of a bottle of water. When his eyes returned to mine, the edge in them had softened somewhat, but it remained, nonetheless.

“Nothing.”

“And pigs can fly, the sky is green, and Jin Young’s not the most feminine guy on the face of this Earth,” I snorted. “You couldn’t have made it more obvious something’s bothering you, hyung.”

“How?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Your dancing,” I shrugged. “We’ve been stuck with you for about four years already, hyung. It would be a shame if the rest of us couldn’t tell the difference. So, I’ll ask again, what’s up?”

Shin Woo sighed, refusing to say anything for a while, and I waited patiently for a few moments, until he finally decided to speak.

“Don’t you feel it too?”

I paused for a moment, staring blankly at him. “Feel what?”

He gestured roughly, turning away. “Nothing. Sorry.”

“Hyuuuung,” I whined, folding my arms across my chest. “Be more specific. I want to hear what you have to say.”

He gave me a half-pitying, half-appraising look, which made me even more confused.

“Sun Woo,” I swallowed nervously when he used my real name. It normally didn’t mean anything good. “Don’t you feel...that we’re all changing?”

“Shinwoo-hyung-...”

“Don’t call me that,” he said impatiently, sitting down on the sofa. “Stage names are for cameras and interviews. It’s for when we’re fake. Use my real name.”

I was slightly shocked at his dismissal of our career as “fake”. Something must really be getting on his nerves.

“Dong Woo hyung,” I said cautiously. “What do you mean by “changing”? We’re gaining popularity. We’re on a TV show. Life’s always changing, hyung.”

“Life is always changing,” he said flatly, his dark eyes focused on the black floor of the studio. “But we shouldn’t have to.”

I tilted my head to a side, still slightly confused. “What do you mean, hyung?”

He sighed, his head dipping as he gripped his forehead in his hands. “Look at us,” he gestured again, to nothing in particular. “Look at what this company is making us. We’re all going to change, in exactly the ways we promised never to change.”

“What makes you say so, hyung?” I walked over to sit on the floor by the couch, worried by what he was saying. “Remember our promise to the BANAs? That we’d never change because of popularity?”

“Isn’t that what EVERY band says?!” Dong Woo stood up violently in frustration now, pacing over to the mirror, causing me to stare after him. “That they’d never change because of popularity?! Look at all of them now!”

He turned to me, his eyes now holding something other than pent-up frustration, something other than just anger.

“What makes us so special, that we’d never change?! What makes us so different, that we’d be able to stand whatever comes our way?! How long will it be before we start becoming like all of them?!”

I recognised the emotion in his eyes now. It was fear. An expression I’d rarely ever, if not never, seen in him before.

“Hyung-...” I tried to speak, but he continued his rant.

“How long will it be before we’re stripping in front of the cameras for popularity?” his voice was no longer just panicked, it was bitterly sarcastic now. “How long will it be before we start revelling in scandals and fanwars? How long will it be before we become stuck-up prats who produce trashy music just for the sake of money?”

“Hyung!” I cut into the middle of his rant firmly, surprised at my own boldness. “Listen. That will never happen to us.”

“How do we know?” He turned to me hoarsely, as though expecting an answer.

“We promised each other,” I said, still refusing to see it otherwise. “We promised that we’d stand by each other forever and never change, hyung.”

He slumped to the floor by the mirror, his eyes conflicted and holding an element of defeat. “Who says those promises will hold? Look at what happened to the DBSK sunbaes. Look at the Super Junior sunbaes. When will it be our turn to fall apart?”

“Hyung, so long as we keep each other accountable, that will never happen to us,” I said, trying to assure him as much as someone two years younger than him possibly could.

“But Sun Woo, these things just happen,” he said, looking desperate for me to understand. “One day, our Saturday meetings will be a thing of the past. We’re going to be prideful, arrogant bastards who don’t give a what real music is anymore. We’re going to change our hairstyles like changing clothes, we’re going to bare ourselves for the world to see like it’s a normal thing in our life, and we’re going to be y s who only care for ourselves. We’re all going to break up one day to chase our own dreams, Sun Woo. How long before that happens?”

“Hyung, we’ve just debuted,” I straightened, looking him in the eye. “We’ve got our whole career ahead of us, and it’ll only be what we make of it. Things may have happened to other bands which made them stumble and fall, hyung. And those same things will happen to us eventually. But we won’t crumble under the pressure, because we’ll be there to pick each other up.”

He looked up at the sureness in my voice. “But how do you know, Sun Woo?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged simply. “I just believe.”

Dong Woo looked like he was going to protest for a moment, but let his shoulders slump in defeat after a while.

“Is that all it takes?”

“So long as we’re in everything we do together, we’ll be fine,” I said, smiling widely. “So long as we’re honest with one another, so long as we continue to care for each other, everything will turn out right. All we need is each other through all that we do. And food, of course. Food is mandatory.”

He chuckled slightly, before sobering up to ask his final question. “You’d...you’d tell me, right?”

“Tell you what?” I asked, my eyes going to the camera as I began reviewing the footage.

“If I change.”

I looked up at him again. He was avoiding my eyes, staring into the wall of the studio. He seemed embarrassed to be asking such a thing of me.

“Sure thing, hyung,” I said, grinning. “You know, you should tell the others about this on Saturday.”

“Maybe,” he looked exhausted from his rant now, but brought up a happy smile. “Thanks, Sun Woo.”

“You should do this more often too,” I said, and he looked at me questioningly. “You know, blast out what’s on your mind once in a while. It’s unhealthy to keep it all in.”

He nodded, but he didn’t look me in the eye to do so. Just then, our phones buzzed simultaneously. Dong Woo checked the screen hastily, then stood up.

“Jin Young wants us to meet at the lobby now. We’re going back to the dorms in five minutes,” he picked up the water bottle, taking another long drink, before grabbing his glasses and knapsack.

“Well then we’d better go before he throws a halbae tantrum,” I chuckled, picking up the video camera. “Can I film now?”

He snorted, before opening the door to leave, turning off the lights. “Come on, Sun Woo.”

“I’ll take that as a yes!” I pressed the record button on the camera, before I continued narrating our actions to the little videoing device.

Dong Woo chuckled, reaching over to ruffle my hair as we left the room.

That had been the last time he’d ever opened his emotions and thoughts to me.

I didn’t know if he had spoken to anyone else during the past months about his feelings, but something made me doubt so.

I knew he’d felt guilty after making me doubt that night. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d kept all his worries to himself after that.

That night had only served to remind me that he was just like the rest of us. Fragile, insecure, fearful, and in need of care. Like any other human that existed on this Earth.

It also served to make me wonder how long it would be. How long before his facade of impervious invincibility and calm, his act of constant self-control and reliability, his image of a steady, unchanging figure in our lives, would come crashing down.

I always knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that it would happen. That the illusion of his protection would one day collapse and bury the four of us in its debris.

I just never thought it would come so soon.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note:

Hello dear readers :) How's a late night update for you all? 

Whoosh :) Most of this was written in one night, when I was feeling particularly morbid. Has anyone spotted the dramatic irony here yet? :D If you have, I've got to hand it to you, you're an observant BANA (and a good literature student) ;)

Yupyups I wanted to present a more human side to CNU this time :) I wanted the memories that Sandeul and Channie had of him to be something like the memories a child should have of his/her father, Jin Young and Baro as a friend. This chapter wasn't so awkward to write :D Yays!

Shoutout to the VIPs :) I'm singing my bluuessss~ Lol my friend has been complaining to me about what a troll YG's been with the teaser that came out last night XD I do hope it comes out during the weekend :D

Okay I really should go practice my geetar now, seeing as I have a performance on Sunday and not an inkling of practice...

I do hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! :) Please comment and subscribe~~ It makes my day so happy ^^

Sincerely
WhiteWings