Accompanying Music

Gong Chan’s POV

“Don’t disturb him now, Channie. He needs to be by himself. He’ll come out when he’s ready.”

Sandeul’s serious voice rang through my ears as I sat silently at the dinner table. It had been barely a minute since the phone call, and I was already fidgeting nervously. The instability and uncertainty hung like a death blanket in the air.

I don’t know what to do.

I felt like I was surrounded by a field of broken glass with no shoes. Like I was treading on a sheet of rice paper suspended a thousand miles above ground. One wrong step could lead to a mistake I’d never be able to reverse.

This wasn’t something I could control anymore. I couldn’t change the outcome of the future with anything I did. This wasn’t an exam I could cram at the last minute for to get better results, or a performance we could practice for until we perfected.

There’s nothing I can do.

I was helpless. And I despised that sensation.

A hollow sob from the kitchen made me look up in alarm.

 I stood up, still twisting the fabric of my shirt in my fingers, wracked with anxiety. Baro had turned up the television volume, and was watching in silence. Sandeul had disappeared into his bedroom, and shut the door.

What should I do?

What would happen if I went in? Would I even be able to help him?

What if I did something wrong?

Another muffled whimper escaped the small kitchen, the sound echoing slightly off the cold ceramic walls.

I made up my mind.

Taking cautious steps, I entered the kitchen, inching silently towards the slumped figure by the sink. His legs were brought up to his chest, the tear tracks on his face glistening in the moonlight, his dark eyes were focused on the beige kitchen floor tiles, now gray in the shadows. A hand was pressed tightly over his mouth, stifling the sobs that shook his body.

“Hyung?”

He looked up at me almost immediately, trying to wipe away his tears.

“Chanshik, what’re you doing here?”

“You...” I hesitated. I don’t even know what to say now. How can I even think about helping him? “Are you okay, hyung?”

Jin Young forced a smile, one that held back waves of mixed emotions. “Of course, Chanshik. I’m fine.”

What could I say? I couldn’t possibly insist that he wasn’t, even though it was so obvious.

Instead, I sat down beside him. Even when we were both seated, I was still taller than him.

This really brought my attention to how frail he still was. How human he was. He was just like the rest of us. So why didn’t he think he was allowed to cry, like the rest of us?

“You don’t have to hold back your tears in front of me, hyung.”

“What are you talking about, Chanshik?” he asked, trying so hard to hide his tears. “Hyung needs us to be strong for him.”

“Hyung wouldn’t want you to suffocate on your emotions for him,” I said firmly. “If he were here, he’d tell you to cry until you couldn’t cry anymore, because it’ll only destroy you if you hold it in.”

Jin Young didn’t speak. His eyes were blank.

“Hyung-...”

“Do you trust me, Chanshik?”

“...what?”

“Do you trust me?” He asked again, turning to me, trying to prevent the desperation from showing in his voice.

I fell silent.

“Yes, hyung. I always have.”

He stared at me, searching my eyes for the truth. But it was true. No matter what he chose to do, I stood behind him. So did the rest of us.

“Hyungnim would want us to be strong not for him, but for each other, through this,” I said, knowing every word I said was true. “So long as we’re all there for each other, we’ll be okay, arraseo?”

His nod was uncertain, hesitant, infinitesimal, but still a nod all the same. I tried to smile, though tears were welling up in my eyes as well.

“How about you go take a shower now?” I tried to say it without my voice cracking, which was becoming increasingly hard with the lump that had formed itself in the back of my throat. “Hot water makes everything better.”

He laughed weakly at my sentence, and I smiled again, before helping him up, and chivvying him gently out the kitchen.

I watched as he disappeared into the bathroom by himself, before walking into our room. I was so exhausted that I would just sleep if I weren’t so worried.

My eyes lingered on the empty bunk beneath mine, as I stepped into the room. It looked no different from the bed I saw every night. Hyungnim’s blanket had been neatly folded into a pile and left at the foot of his mattress.

“Chanshik, your bed isn’t made.”

“But hyung, it’s so troublesome! And I’m tired...Baro hyung is taking so long in the bathroom...”

“That gives you no excuse. Fold your blanket now.”

“...fine.”

As I stared further, I noted that there was a pile of his sleeping clothes carefully laid out on his pillow. He had a habit of preparing the clothes he needed to sleep in every night the morning before we left for schedule.

“Hyung, why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Put your sleeping clothes on your bed.”

“Oh, that. So I can get ready to shower before you slowpokes go in and take up the bathroom for the rest of the night.”

I remembered him laughing at this point, when he told me this. Strangely, he always let us bathe first, despite saying here that we took a long time.

Now, staring at the empty room, it was like everything was fine. His clothes were still there, as if he would come to take them to shower soon. His bed sheets were slightly rumpled from sleeping last night. His blanket was still sitting there, expecting to be used tonight. None of these things seemed to realise that he might never come back.

Slowly, I raised my eyes to my own bunk.

My blanket isn’t folded, I noted absently. I remembered now. Hyung had been reminding me to make my bed, but we were rushing out of the dorm, and I couldn’t be bothered.

Mechanically, I climbed the ladder to my bunk, and began folding my blanket.

As soon as the task was complete, I lay back down on the bed, gazing up at the pale white ceiling of the room. This tugged at the memory reserves hidden in the back of my mind, bringing back something I thought I’d forgotten a long time ago.

Tilting my head to a side, I slowly let the memory take over.

“No! No please, stop! PLEASE STOP!”

At the last word, I jerked up, gasping as the nightmare pounded through my head. My blanket was ragged and thrown to a side, and my entire body was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Gripping my head, I tried to forget whatever I had just dreamt, whimpering as the fear began to kick in.

“Chanshik?” I literally leapt about a foot in the air. A dark shadow was standing beside my bed. I immediately pressed myself against the wall, curling into a tight ball, trying to push away whatever was there.

“Chanshik, it’s me, Dong Woo,” the figure said firmly. Breathing heavily, I opened my eyes a fraction, looking up fearfully. Through the pale strains of moonlight that penetrated the dorm, I managed to distinguish hyungnim’s silhouette in the darkness. But that didn’t make me feel much better. Especially not with the dream I just had.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I tried to whisper back without my voice shaking. “I j-just had a n-nightmare.”

There was a drawn sigh from Shin Woo. “It’s because of that movie you watched with us last night, isn’t it?”

Movie? Oh right, the zombie and vampire thriller...come to think of it, that’s probably where my nightmare came from.

“I told you that you didn’t need to watch it with us if you weren’t comfortable with it,” Shin Woo was scolding me now. “Why did you insist on seeing it through to the end? Jin Young even offered to go to sleep with you first.”

“I-I’m not a baby, hyung,” I said defensively. “I can watch the same things you watch.”

At this point, his countenance softened slightly in the moonlight. “Listen, Chanshik, being afraid isn’t something only children go through. And claiming that you’re not afraid of anything doesn’t mean you’re grown up either.”

I remained silent for a while. “Sorry I woke you up hyung. You can go back to sleep now.”

“Are you still afraid?” he asked. I made to shake my head hastily, but he reminded me about what he said with a warning look. Slumping in defeat, I nodded.

“Want to tell me what your nightmare was about?”

My expression turned from one of submission to an incredulous stare. I just had a nightmare that scared the life out of me and you want me to remember it?

“Overcoming your fear is better than avoiding it,” Shin Woo said calmly, as if he had read my mind.

Hesitantly, I began to recall the horrifying images slowly.

“I dreamt I was in this place...it looked like the courtyard from the movie. There was fencing everywhere and I was...I was tied to a big stone right in the middle,” I shuddered visibly, and he nodded, spurring me to carry on. “Nobody was answering when I called for help. There were crows flying all around me, and they were telling me that...that I was going to die. Then suddenly I kept hearing weird sounds from all around, and...strange things were coming out from the ground.”

I curled up tighter, trying my best not to remember the faces of the beings that appeared. I felt him take my hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, and looked up, before continuing.

“Then...then someone came into my line of sight,” I actually squeaked in fright here, my hands shaking.

“Who was it?” Shin Woo asked quietly. I refused to answer for a while, still trembling in fear.

“It...it was Jin Young hyung,” I finally uttered, tightening my grip Shin Woo hyung’s hand. “He...he looked different. Like one of...them.

“Then came Baro-hyung, Sandeul-hyung, and you...and you all looked like them. And...and then...”

“It’s okay, take your time, Chanshik,” Shin Woo’s voice hadn’t changed. It was still calm and steady. I took a shaky breath, still scared of saying the next words.

“You all started to beat me.”

His fingers tightened around my hand at this point.

“And you wouldn’t stop, no matter how much I begged, no matter how much I pleaded,” Hot tears spilled over onto my cheeks. “Then...then I woke up.”

“Chanshik...” Shin Woo began slowly, reaching out to brush my tears away. “Look at me. Listen to me. Jin Young, Jung Hwan, Sun Woo and I would never hurt you like that. And you know it.”

I began to sob, my shoulders shaking. I couldn’t understand why I was so afraid.

“It’s just a nightmare, and you don’t have to be afraid of it anymore, because your hyungs are all here to protect you,” he continued with a soft smile. “What you dreamt will never happen in real life, and that’s something you know too. You’re safe with us.”

“I know...” I choked through my sobs. “...s-so why am I s-still so s-scared?”

I would never have let any of my younger siblings see me like this. Being the eldest in my family meant I needed to be the strongest. They needed to trust me. So I had to be fearless.

“Chanshik, there’s no need to be ashamed if you’re afraid,” Shin Woo said. “Being strong doesn’t mean you have to be invincible. Isn’t that why we’re all together now? So we can be there for one another?”

He lifted my face slightly, so I looked directly into his dark eyes. “You’re more than we could ever ask for, Chanshik. We’ll always have your back, just like you have ours now. So don’t be afraid of being afraid. It’s normal, and there’s nothing wrong with it.”

Though I was still scared, his assurance felt like slow immersion in warm water. It brought a calming sensation that I couldn’t put into words. His tone was understanding and empathic, but comforting at the same time.

He gave me a mellowed smile. “Now why don’t you get some sleep? We’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

Nodding, I lay back down on my pillow, trying not to recall the ghastly images from my nightmare. But as soon as I closed my eyes, the faces of the zombies that appeared plastered themselves on the inside of my eyelids. I shuddered, opening my eyes a crack, curling up on my mattress.

However, as I did so, I felt his hand come to rest on mine. Assurance rushed into me immediately, like donning a downy jacket in the winter. I no longer felt vulnerable.

When he was around, I felt like nothing in the world could hurt me.

“Go to sleep,” he murmured softly, my forearm gently. Closing my eyes fully, I began to wander my way towards finally getting a good night’s sleep.

The warmth of his hand didn’t leave me until I was well away in dreamland.

I stared up at the white ceiling. I could still remember that dream so vividly. It was one of the most terrifying nightmares I’d ever had.

But I knew all too well that no nightmare would ever be worse than the one I was going through now. Because, at the end of the ordeal, he might not be around to lull me back to sleep.

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Author's Note:

Long and awkwarrrrd chapter...it was so wrecking deleting and rewriting the parts over and over again, and even now, it just seems so bumpy.

If you guys have detected the pattern (which you probably have), you'll know next chapter is Baro-centric :/ I'm anticipating and dreading writing that chapter at the same time. Looks like another awkward chapter looming ahead...

Sincerely
WhiteWings19