When his vision focused again, the person in front of him wasn’t N anymore. Or Lord Hakyeon. He was gone. Instead, there was Hongbin, crying silently as he wrapped a blanket around him with shaking hands, then turning away to tend to the fire in the fireplace.

Sanghyuk looked around, confused to find himself in his chambers; his bedroom, more precisely. He had no idea how he got there, but he didn’t care. His head was blissfully empty for the time being, and he wanted it to stay that way.

Of course, it didn’t.

But even as the memory of the agony returned, it didn’t show. Hongbin would never be able to tell a difference from just looking at his Lord, but he couldn’t bear to look at the broken man either way. Eventually, he left, but even then Sanghyuk didn’t move.

His mind was sluggish, but it didn’t need to be quick to focus on the one thing that occupied it.

N was Lord Hakyeon. The man he loved was the man he unreasonably hated. The man he confessed his deepest secrets to was the man he didn’t want to know anything about him. The man he’d vented all his sorrows to was the man who brought those sorrows upon him in the first place. The man he longed to spend the rest of his life with was the man about to marry him off to a random stranger.

N had betrayed him. Lord Hakyeon had betrayed him.

They were the same person, and he didn’t know what he was supposed to feel anymore. He guessed that most of all, he wasn’t mad at either- well, since they were the same person, he wasn’t mad at him. More than anything, he was mad at life for dealing him such a fate. He couldn’t even be mad at Hongbin who must have known and not told him. If anything, he could be mad at himself, for not noticing it himself.

On the other hand, being angry at anyone at all was just so futile. It didn’t change anything, and in the end he’d still be hurt.

And so was N… or Hakyeon. When he took a moment to look beyond his own hurt, all he could see was the expression of agony on the other’s face; an agony so deep-rooted and all-consuming that even just seeing it let Sanghyuk know that it was far worse than the hurt and betrayal he felt now.

If he thought about it, that pain alone should have clued him in that N and Hakyeon were the same person. He’d seen the pain in the Lord’s eyes when they met, and he kept hearing it in N’s voice, if not in the times he’d found N crying and broken in the gardens.

His thoughts were interrupted when Hongbin entered the room again, carrying a tray with food and placing it quietly on a side table. He hovered close by, uncertain of how to approach his Lord, but to his surprise it was Sanghyuk who addressed him first.

“Hongbin-ah… Did you know? That… That N and Lord Hakyeon… That they were the same person?”

The servant tensed, avoiding Sanghyuk’s gaze, but nodded.

Sanghyuk exhaled shakenly.

“Why did you never tell me? Why did you pretend they were two separate people, too?”

Hongbin swallowed, but Sanghyuk could tell it wasn’t out of nervousness.

“I couldn’t…” He eventually answered.

Sanghyuk nodded. He’d expected something like that.

“Can you… can you tell me why you couldn’t?”

Hongbin shook his head no.

“No… I’m sorry, Sanghy- Lord Sanghyuk.”

Sanghyuk took a deep breath, nodding to himself.

“It… It isn’t Lord Hakyeon’s fault, though! He- He didn’t tell me to pretend or anything! In fact, it’s-“ He interrupted himself, clasping his hands over his mouth as if to stop himself from saying anything else, eyes wide. He shook his head again, lowering his hands.

“I can’t tell you why. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Sanghyuk nodded again, waving a hand dismissively.

“It’s alright… It doesn’t matter anyway…”

Despair flashed in Hongbin’s eyes, and he looked about ready to cry again, but Sanghyuk barely registered it as his gaze wandered out of the window again.

“Lord Sanghyuk, you should eat… You haven’t eaten since yesterday morning…” Hongbin changed subjects after a moment of silence, but he wasn’t expecting a reaction; not really.

“Hongbin-ah… Do you hate me?”

Hongbin jumped at the whispered question, but quickly recomposed himself.

“No, Lord Sanghyuk. Why would I?”

Sanghyuk sighed, still staring unseeingly out of the window.

“I hurt Lord Hakyeon. Repeatedly. Every morning when we met and I yelled at him or ran away. And later… When I met him in the garden and complained about him and cursed him, not knowing… not knowing that I was complaining to the same person I was complaining about… And ultimately today…”

Hongbin sighed.

“I don’t care just for him, Lord Sanghyuk. I care just as much for you. And it wasn’t just you hurting him; you hurt each other. Lord Hakyeon hurt you by keeping you in the dark for so long, and then by insisting on the meetings… and pretending to be two different people. Yet I hate neither of you for it. I just hurt for the both of you.”

Sanghyuk sighed.

“You are a better person than I could ever be, Hongbinnie… And please, don’t call me Lord anymore. I’m not worthy of that title… Not from you.”

Hongbin nodded, swallowing.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Can I ask you something? Something… That isn’t my place asking?”

Sanghyuk blinked, finally turning his head to look at Hongbin as he talked. He nodded once, encouraging the servant.

“Do you… Do you love him? Or did you? At least… who you knew as N?”

Pain flashed in Sanghyuk’s eyes, followed by a new wave of tears, and he turned away from Hongbin. He didn’t answer verbally, but it was answer enough for Hongbin, and he left quietly.

Sanghyuk didn’t touch the food Hongbin had brought, and eventually Hongbin picked it up and carried it away. Night fell, and Hongbin had to encourage Sanghyuk to leave his spot and go to bed, hoping he would get some rest.

It didn’t work, though. Ever since Hongbin had asked him that question, he was asking it to himself, over and over again. Of course he knew for sure that he’d loved N, but what about now that he knew he and Lord Hakyeon were the same person?

Sanghyuk wanted to hate him. Maybe not quite like he always had when he looked at his face, but still somewhat. Or at least feel nothing for him. But he couldn’t do either.

The more he thought about it, more than ever before in the past weeks, it was painfully clear that he didn’t hate Hakyeon. That the hatred that overcame him when he saw him was not just unreasonable and unfounded, but also unnatural. It shouldn’t exist.

Yet the love that he felt when he was with N, it was all too real. It was well founded, it was as natural as breathing. It had even been there when he’d been with Lord Hakyeon, even without him knowing they were the same person; it had been there in the moments he longed to see his face, even though he knew the hatred would follow immediately. And it had been there when he knew the hatred was wrong, and felt the need to not just apologize to the other, but console him and take the pain he saw in his eyes away.

Sanghyuk drew a ragged breath as the realization hit him, and a tear slid down his cheek. Despite everything, he loved N… or Hakyeon.

He was hurt, yes, and he did want an explanation at some point, but first…

He’d hurt Hakyeon, too. And he needed to right that wrong. He needed to find him, and he needed to apologize. He needed Hakyeon to know that nothing had changed about the fact he loved him.

Determined and feeling some kind of strength for the first time that day, he pushed his covers back and got out of bed. The night was cold, and he quickly slipped into his warm robe, but he wouldn’t waste any more time with something as trivial as clothing.

What he did need to waste time with was some kind of light, because the hallways were dark and he would never find his way through them without a lamp…

Grabbing the flint stones from where he knew Hongbin always kept them, he moved the utensils he needed to the side board under the window. The full moon should provide at least enough light so he could see what he was doing –even if he still didn’t know what he was actually doing, because he still couldn’t work the damned stones if his life depended on it. He didn’t even manage to get them to spark, just how did Hongbin manage to light a whole fire with them?!

With a sigh, he rolled his eyes, ready to try again- and froze. Something outside caught his eye, and his heart knew what it was before his brain caught up. A flash of red, dulled by the light of the moon but still vibrant enough to be unmistakable. His heart stopped. What was Hakyeon doing on the roof? At this time of the night?

Once again, his brain was too slow, only catching up when his heart already had him racing out of the door of his chambers. He might not know the hallways in the dark, might not know the way to the roof or even his way around the wing whose roof Hakyeon was standing on; all he knew was that he had to get there, and quick.

He cursed and tears ran down his face when he ended up in front of locked doors or dead end hallways, but somehow, he found himself on the attic after a while. It was even darker up there, but an open door –or window?- allowed moonlight to filter in. He pushed his way through discarded furniture and broken collectibles, stubbing his feet and cutting his hand, but he didn’t care as he hurried towards the opening in the roof.

And then he stepped outside, just a couple of steps away from where Hakyeon was standing way too close to the edge. What was he doing standing on the railing, for heaven’s sake?

Sanghyuk was sure his heart was about to stop forever from the emotional and physical strain he was constantly putting it through.

“Hyung, what are you doing…?!” He panted, breathless and terrified, and wanted to slap himself the next second as his words startled the other.

“Stop where you are, Sanghyuk!” The older’s words trembled, and Sanghyuk was sure he saw the tracks of tears glistening on his face.

“Hyung, don’t… Don’t do that…!” Sanghyuk pleaded, taking another step forward.

“I said stop! Don’t come any closer! Just leave!” Hakyeon near yelled, and Sanghyuk paused for a second.

“Hyung-“

“I don’t want to hear it! Go away, just go! Go back to bed and leave me alone!”

Sanghyuk shook his head, tears welling up in his own eyes, but he fought them down.

“No, hyung. I can’t. Please don’t… Please come down from there, please…!”

Hakyeon laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant laugh. It was the saddest laugh the world had ever heard.

“I will, Sanghyuk. I will. But I want to spend at least my last moment without someone who hates me around. And without someone who hates me interfering. Do you really hate me that much that you can’t give me even that little?!”

Sanghyuk wanted to scream at that.

“I don’t hate you! I don’t hate you one bit, hyung! Not the slightest!”

Hakyeon shook his head, turning away completely from Sanghyuk.

“I saw you, Sanghyuk. I saw the look in your eyes. I heard it in your voice. Time and time again.”

Sanghyuk took the chance to close as much distance between Hakyeon and him as he could.

“I don’t know what happened there, hyung. I don’t know where that hatred came from, but it wasn’t from me. I don’t hate you. In fact, I love you. With all my heart, hyu- Hakyeon.”

The older froze, and Sanghyuk took the opportunity to close the rest of the distance separating them, wrapping his arms around Hakyeon’s torso from behind and holding him securely.

“I love you, Hakyeon.” He repeated against Hakyeon’s cold back, only clothed in a night gown.

Hakyeon didn’t move, nor did he say anything, and Sanghyuk just held him for a moment longer, before stepping back and lifting the older off the railing and placing him on the ground in front of him. His heart beat frantically as he closed his eyes in precaution and made Hakyeon turn around in his embrace.

Searchingly, carefully, he lifted one hand up to Hakyeon’s face, tracing and mapping his features with it while still holding him close with the other.

“It’s impossible…” Hakyeon’s voice was nothing but a pained whisper.

 Sanghyuk only shook his head at him.

“It’s not. I love you more than anything else, more than I can even comprehend. Hakyeon…”

He felt the older shake in his embrace, swallowing thickly before shaking his head again. But Sanghyuk didn’t wait for what the other had to say, if he had to say anything.

Leaning forward, his lips found Hakyeon’s as if the movement had been practiced a million times. He tasted the salt of his tears and the coldness of the night on Hakyeon’s lips, together with a sweetness that had to be unique to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon didn’t pull away, but he didn’t reciprocate the kiss, either. Slowly, Sanghyuk pulled back, breaking the kiss but never letting go of Hakyeon and still cupping his face.

Tentatively, he opened his eyes. And found Hakyeon’s, staring at him fearfully. But Sanghyuk’s loving expression didn’t change. No hatred flared up in his gaze, and the seconds ticked by.

And then, a blood curdling scream echoed through the night, and Hakyeon collapsed in Sanghyuk’s arms.