Sanghyuk was quite surprised to see Hongbin rushing in again when he was just finishing his breakfast, fidgety and obviously nervous.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Are you… Are you done eating yet?”

Sanghyuk finished wiping his mouth, folding the linen napkin neatly next to his empty plate.

“Only just. Why?”

Hongbin shifted his weight from one foot to the other nervously.

“Uhm… Lord Hakyeon… He wants to see you.”

Sanghyuk’s heart plummeted out of his chest, coming to rest somewhere near his ankles.

“Now? Why now?”

Hongbin shrugged.

“I don’t know. All I know is he told me to come get you when you’re ready.”

Sanghyuk got up from his chair slowly, the conversation he’d overheard the day before still fresh in his mind. Why would Lord Hakyeon want to see him now of all times when he was obviously not in the best state himself?

Maybe he wanted to tell him he couldn’t help him after all and send him home again… Sanghyuk’s heart squeezed painfully. That would mean he wouldn’t get to see N again. The pain in his heart grew as that thought settled in, and he must have paled because Hongbin was at his side in an instant.

“Sanghyuk… Are you alright? If you don’t feel well, I’m sure Lord Hakyeon won’t mind seeing you another day…!”

Sanghyuk shook his head though, brushing Hongbin’s hands off gently.

“No, no. It’s alright, I’m fine. I’ll go. Where?”

Hongbin gave him a wary once-over, debating if he should really do it, really lead Sanghyuk to Lord Hakyeon… But his master’s determined look made the decision for him, and so he turned around to lead the way, Sanghyuk following him closely.

Still, Hongbin hesitated in front of the door when they reached their destination, turning to Sanghyuk with a deeply creased brow, concern showing clearly in every detail of his features, and he looked as if he wanted to say something; something important.

When Sanghyuk gave him an expectant look in return, though, the servant shook his head, his shoulders sagging a bit. Hesitantly, he knocked for Sanghyuk, opening the door afterwards.

It was Lord Hakyeon’s study, a room he’d only ever passed but never entered. The room was clean, not a single speck of dust on any surface, but all the curtains but one were drawn shut, covering most of the room in shadows.

Sanghyuk’s heart beat faster when he saw the figure standing a bit further into the room, where the shadows were darkest. Still, the silhouette he saw seemed all too familiar to him, confusing him as he blinked repeatedly.

“N-“ he was interrupted the moment his question was about to leave his lips, the figure turning around and stepping towards him, slowly coming out of the shadows.

“Lord Sanghyuk. I hope you can forgive me my rudeness of waiting this long to introduce myself properly.”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened as he took in the man’s face. Dark brown hair framed a honey-coloured face that would have been beautiful if-

Sanghyuk gasped as a violent rush of white-hot hatred washed over him, clouding his vision and thoughts and screaming at him.

“Monster! How could you- You monster! I can’t believe I stayed this long under your roof! You tricked me! You are despicable! My skin crawls at your mere presence! You disgust me, treacherous beast! Don’t you ever dare show yourself to me again!”

Without awaiting a response, Sanghyuk twirled around on the spot, darting towards the door and clawing desperately at the handles until he managed to crack it open wide enough to squeeze through and dart away, pushing past Hongbin and running blindly down the hallways without paying attention where he went. Eventually, his knees gave out under him, his lungs and muscles burning from exertion, and he found sand under his hands. He’d ran outside, into the gardens.

It took him a while to catch his breath, and everything hurt when he did. With an enormous effort, he pushed himself up and into one of the hidden clearings, finding shelter in an ivy-covered pergola.

He barely made it onto one of the benches, curling in on himself when he did. His head hurt, throbbing like it never had before. His lungs burned, but it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart. Every beat felt as if it was pumping acid through his arteries, and his very soul felt as if it had been attacked and lacerated by knives.

What hurt the most, though, was his conscience.

How could he have said –no, yelled!- what he did at someone he didn’t even know? At anyone, really? That wasn’t him! He’d never thought himself capable of treating someone else like that. Anyone. Ever. No matter if he hated them or not. And he didn’t have a reason to actually hate Lord Hakyeon, so why? Why had that wave of hatred washed over him, and why had he felt compelled to scream those things at him?!

It wasn’t right. It was all kinds of wrong; everything about it was wrong, and Sanghyuk felt the worst he ever had in his life.

He couldn’t leave it at that. He had to find Lord Hakyeon and apologize to him. And… and to Hongbin.

He gasped as he remembered the time that woman had insulted Lord Hakyeon much the same way Sanghyuk had now, and Hongbin’s reaction to it. He whimpered, clutching at the edge of the bench he lay on now. Hongbin would never forgive him. And he was right. He didn’t deserve forgiveness for that. Still, he had to try, he had to at least make an effort…

Suddenly, despite the pain he was in, body and soul, he felt like he couldn’t just lay there anymore. He had to move, had to-… He closed his eyes as he stumbled out of the shadow of the pergola, taking one more moment to steady himself clutching to the polished bronze of the doorframe.

There was only one thing he needed right now, and that was N. When N found out what he’d done, he would probably be mad, too, and rightly so, but he’d listen, and he’d try to understand and make sense of what Sanghyuk didn’t understand himself.

With a final push, he let go of the doorframe and stumbled out of the clearing, wandering aimlessly through the gardens, calling out for his hyung weakly every now and then. For a moment, he considered asking Hongbin if he’d know where N could be, but then dismissed the idea. He couldn’t talk to Hongbin right now. He was too ashamed, he couldn’t face him. Not now, not before he’d found N. And so he kept stumbling through the gardens, not knowing if his hyung was even there somewhere, but at least it gave him something to do.

Eventually, it started raining. Not a full out heavy rain, but barely more than a heavy mist at first, one that thickened gradually until it turned into a thin rain that didn’t manage to soak you immediately, but dampened everything so thoroughly you didn’t feel how wet you were gradually getting until you might as well have been running through heavy rain.

Sanghyuk didn’t care that it started raining. He didn’t care that his hair plastered to his face in wet streaks, and that his breeches clung uncomfortably cold and wet to his thighs, chafing with every step. He had no intentions of finding shelter from the thin rain, and even less so to go back inside the castle. Sometimes he even forgot what he was searching the gardens for as he dragged himself along the sandy paths, but then he’d remember again. N, oh N, just where was he?!

He had no idea when tears had started running down his face, mixing with the rain, but he didn’t care about that, either. He needed to rest, though, and sat heavily on the edge of the basin of the merman-fountain, grimacing as he spotted his torn reflection in the uneven water-surface. He didn’t need to see his horrible face right now; pushing himself up again, he stumbled onwards until he found the unicorn statue to lean on.

He leaned heavily against the delicate yet firm hind legs of the prancing marble animal, his heart squeezing painfully in longing as he recognized just where he was. Oh, just where was his N-hyung, he needed him so much right now!

He let go of the marble statue, too, stumbling into their little clearing. At least there he would feel closer to him, right?

His chest tightened as he found the bench empty; a tiny spark of hope that he’d find him there, in their spot, had still been glimmering inside him, but now it died like the fragile flame of a candle in the rain. Still, he took the remaining steps to close the distance to the bench, planning on resting there for at least a little while before he resumed his search.

He should never get the chance to sit down there then, though, as his heart stopped at the sight of something on the wet ground on the other side of the bench.

Forgetting all about himself, the pain and the cold and the tiredness, he rushed to the other side of the clearing, dropping to his knees next to the wet bundle he’d spotted.

“N-hyung!” He gasped, his heart speeding up in panic.

The other man lay motionless on the soaked, sandy ground, wearing just an unusually thin white linen shirt and a pair of equally as thin looking black breeches with once neat horse-riding boots. He hadn’t come out here to tend to the garden, that much was for sure; not in these clothes.

“N-hyung! You can’t lay out here, you’ll get sick! Oh, damn… How long have you been here?”

Sanghyuk became frantic as his hands flew over the other’s body, finding all of his clothes completely soaked and the skin underneath freakishly cold. If it wasn’t for the fluttering of a pulse he found on his wrist, he would probably have screamed. It didn’t help that his vibrant red hair looked way too much like blood, wet as it was, either.

Forcing himself to calm down, Sanghyuk quickly got out of his jacket, which thankfully was still dry inside, and wrapped it around the older as he pulled him up. He could feel him stir, and –oddly enough- push against his chest, as if to push him off.

“Shh, hyung, I got you. I got you. I’ll bring you inside, alright? I’ll get you warmed up and something dry for you to wear.”

The older struggled though, shaking his head as he both pushed against Sanghyuk’s shoulders and clung onto them.

“Not inside… Not inside!” Sanghyuk could hear him whisper, his voice tiny and barely audible over the frantic beating of his own heart in his ears and the constant pitter-patter of the rain around them.

“But, hyung! You are freezing, you can’t stay out here! You’ll catch death if you don’t get warmed up soon!”

Again, N pushed at his shoulders, his hands still clutching the fabric of his quickly soaking shirt while he tried to turn away from him in a completely contradicting motion.

“Not inside… Can’t be… inside.”

Sanghyuk only barely caught him as he swayed dangerously after finally letting go, holding him close.

“Alright, alright, not inside. I won’t bring you inside. But you need to warm up, hyung. Can I bring you to the greenhouses, at least?”

N didn’t answer, but he didn’t push Sanghyuk away again, which the younger deemed a step in the right direction. He pulled his jacket tighter around the older’s shaking frame before turning him around and lifting him to carry him to the nearby greenhouses.

The older clutched to the neck of Sanghyuk’s shirt as if his life depended on it, hiding his face against his shoulder while Sanghyuk focused on getting him to shelter as quickly as possible. He didn’t know where the strength to carry his hyung came from, had he barely had any strength left to even carry his own weight on his legs only moments before. Now, he strode through the gardens and thickening rain with sure steps, cradling his precious freight close to his chest. As soon as he’d pushed up the doors to the first greenhouse and stepped inside, though, N struggled against him with a strength he wouldn’t have expected from him in his condition.

“Whoa, hyung! Careful!” Sanghyuk was taken aback by the sudden reaction, barely catching his balance and setting N on his feet as gently as possible. As soon as his feet touched ground, he fled from Sanghyuk’s hold, stumbling further into the greenhouse. He didn’t make it far, his legs giving out on him and having him drop on his knees only a few steps away from Sanghyuk, who quickly rushed to his side.

“Hyung, hyung! Oh, hyung, please, be careful. Let me help you, alright?”

A sob wrenched itself from N’s throat, and he leaned his head heavily against Sanghyuk’s chest. Carefully, the younger lifted them both, slowly guiding them to a bench between two tall blue-ish green bushes that filled the air around them with an exotic aroma that neither had the will to appreciate right then.

Sanghyuk lowered the older to the bench carefully, but didn’t sit next to him. He knew there had to be a crate here somewhere with blankets and pillows meant to be taken out into the garden to make the wooden and stone benches more comfortable… They hadn’t been used in a while and were dusty and some even had holes in them already, but they had to make due.

“I’ll be right back, hyung. Just stay here, alright? I’ll just be a minute, and then we’ll get you warmed up and dry so you don’t catch a cold.”

He didn’t wait for an answer, making sure over his shoulder that the older stayed where he was as he darted off. He really didn’t take long, grabbing as many blankets as he could carry and returning as fast as humanly possible. Thankfully, his hyung still sat where he’d left him, curled in on himself and shivering.

Sanghyuk dropped the blankets on the bench next to the older, wrapping one around his shoulders. To his surprise, he pushed it off though, shaking his head.

“Hyung, you can’t sit around here, freezing. You have to warm up and get those clothes either dry or off. Please, hyung. I don’t want you to get sick…”

That made the other swallow, hard, and he let Sanghyuk drape the blanket around him again. He then took a smaller blanket and started patting his hair dry, then, as N didn’t protest, rubbing it softly through the dark red strands and massaging his scalp gently in the process. Eventually, the older rested back against Sanghyuk, giving in to the caresses until his hair was as dry as possible and Sanghyuk had combed it into place with his fingers. He was still shivering, though, and Sanghyuk shook his head at him.

“I think you need to get out of the jacket, hyung. Your shirt will dry under the blankets, but not with the jacket in between.”

N was reluctant to let the blanket go, and even more reluctant to let go of Sanghyuk’s jacket, but eventually surrendered himself again to his care. Still, he struggled when Sanghyuk pulled him into his arms, but just as Sanghyuk was about to give up for the time being, he gave in again with a sob.

It broke Sanghyuk’s heart, to see his hyung this obviously torn. He had no idea what could make him so reluctant to accept his help, then a second later cling to him like a dying man… And then it clicked.

“Hyung… That thing you told me about yesterday… The one you were afraid of doing and didn’t know how it would end… Did you do it already? Is that why… Did it end badly?”

Another broken sob, and then N nodded, his fingers digging into Sanghyuk’s wet shirt.

Sanghyuk’s heart felt like it fell out of his chest to lay in the dirt at their feet.

“Oh no… Hyung! I’m sorry… But, hyung… It will be alright. You didn’t die. And you won’t die. I won’t let you… I’ll keep you safe!”

N only started crying harder. It were the most heartbreaking sounds Sanghyuk had ever heard in his life, but he held the older through it as the sobs wracked his frame, letting him soak his damp shirt anew with his tears.

For hours they sat in the greenhouse, barely registering the rain stopping and starting anew outside and the light of the day slowly fading. As time passed, N would stop crying eventually, and then he’d push Sanghyuk off, wrapping the blankets that Sanghyuk exchanged whenever they became too damp tightly around himself. He refused to talk to Sanghyuk, not a word of explaining what had happened exactly that had him so devastated, but then the tears would come back, and he’d cling to the younger again, so tightly as if he was afraid he’d just disappear forever.

Eventually, though, the tears subsided completely, and he didn’t let go of Sanghyuk. He just laid there, his head resting against the younger’s chest, and neither spoke a word. The rain stopped again, and the clouds gave way to the last rays of sunshine of the day that casted the sky in tones of lavender, gold and pink.

In the distance, the bell rang, signaling dinner was ready, but both ignored it.

The last light of the day faded, and only a slim slice of the moon illuminated the darkness, but that wouldn’t last long, either.

“Sanghyukkie… You should go inside…”

N’s voice wasn’t more than a hoarse whisper, strained from too many tears and sobs and lack of use. Still, it startled Sanghyuk.

“I can’t…” He answered, once the momentary shock had worn off.

“Why not?”

Sanghyuk took a while before he could answer.

“I did something terrible, hyung…”

The older shifted, sitting up a bit but still leaning against Sanghyuk. A hand emerged from between the mountain of blankets they were wrapped in, cupping his face gently.

“What could you have done that’s so terrible you can’t go inside and have dinner?”

Tears welled up in Sanghyuk’s eyes, but he fought them down. It was his own fault, he had no right to tears.

“I… I was horrible. I am horrible, hyung. A horrible person.”

He could feel the older shake his head in the darkness.

“You’re not, Sanghyukkie. You’re not a horrible person. Not at all.”

Sanghyuk took N’s hand in his own carefully, leading it away from his face. He didn’t deserve his comfort, either.

“I am, hyung. I… What I did… I don’t know why, or how… I don’t understand where it came from, but suddenly… There was so much hate, I didn’t even recognize myself. I didn’t know I could feel so much hate. And for no reason… Hyung, I… I met Lord Hakyeon today… And… I… I shouted horrible things at him. Things so horrible, I don’t understand how I could come up with them, and even less how I could shout them at a person. Especially a person I didn’t even know! And still don’t know, actually. But I did. And he deserved none of it. I don’t know why, because I don’t hate him! I really don’t! But when I saw him… I hated him in that moment, so much it consumed my whole being, but when I think back, it makes no sense and I don’t hate him. It… it makes my head hurt to try to understand it, and my heart hurt when I think of what I did to him, how he must have felt… And Hongbin, too. Hongbin… He will hate me for sure for what I did, and I deserve it. But that’s… that’s why I can’t go inside. I can’t stay in Lord Hakyeon’s house, and eat his food and sleep under his roof after what I did.”

Silence answered him for a long time, but then N’s arms came around him and hugged him close.

“Sanghyuk-ah… There’s a promise. A promise that you’ll be safe here, that you’ll be protected here, and that you’ll be taken care of here. That promise; it still stands. It will always stand. When the old Lords talked about it, and the old Lord Cha made the promise to your father, they knew there could be a possibility that you and whoever would be Lord here when you had to come live here wouldn’t get along. But the promise included that you’d still be kept safe and cared for even if you didn’t get along with the Lord of the castle, and the Lord would still be honour bound to see that you’d get the best future possible, no matter how he felt about you, either.”

Sanghyuk drew a shaky breath.

“I don’t deserve that, though… I don’t think I can accept that…”

N tightened his hold around Sanghyuk quickly in a chastising manner.

“Sanghyuk-ah, don’t say things like that! Of course you deserve that, and you will accept it!”

Sanghyuk didn’t answer, just hanging his head, and N held him close. The moon disappeared behind the horizon, too, eventually, and there was nothing but darkness around them anymore.

That was, until tiny lights began dancing through the garden outside, and distant voices could be heard.

“They are looking for you, Sanghyuk. They are worried; you’ve been gone for so long. You need to go and meet them, and go inside.”

Sanghyuk’s breaths quickened, panic welling up inside him, but N was quick to soothe him.

“Shh, Sanghyukkie. Just go and talk to Hongbin. He will understand you. Tell him what you told me, and he’ll listen and understand. He’ll forgive you, he is kind. And you do deserve his forgiveness!”

He sat up quietly, gently pushing Sanghyuk off, and Sanghyuk swallowed hard. Even if Hongbin forgave him, and maybe even the Lord…

“Hyung… What about you, though? Do you… Can I even hope for you to forgive me?”

“I never blamed you, Sanghyuk. Not a single second. There is nothing to forgive.”

Sanghyuk couldn’t believe his ears.

“So you don’t think… You don’t think I’m as bad as I know I am?”

A hand came up to ruffle his hair affectionately.

“Of course not. You are dumb, Sanghyukkie! You aren’t bad, and I could never think anything bad of you, either!”

Sanghyuk gasped quietly, his heart doing the most extravagant somersaults in his chest at the older’s words. That was, until his tone registered with Sanghyuk. Why did he sound that incredibly sad as he said that?!

“Go now, Sanghyuk! Don’t let them search for you all night; it isn’t fair on them.”

N pushed Sanghyuk to his feet, and he swayed unsteadily in the dark.

“Hyung… Aren’t you coming, though? Your clothes are still damp, and you can still get a cold… You shouldn’t stay out here, either!”

A sigh answered him.

“I’ll go inside, too, and see if I find Wonshik to make sure I don’t get sick; but only after I see you inside safely! Not a moment sooner! Now go, don’t make them worry any longer!”

With all the reluctance in the world, Sanghyuk stumbled towards the door and outside. Once on the sandy path in front of the greenhouse, the light from the stars was enough to guide him towards the house, and one of the lanterns dancing between the bushes. It was just his luck that it would be Hongbin carrying the lantern he found first.

He froze, his heart almost stilling as he recognized the servant, but he hurried towards him quickly.

“There you are! Come in, quick! Where did you leave your jacket?! Hurry, go, go inside!”

Hongbin pushed him gently, but Sanghyuk didn’t miss that his eyes never met his own. There was a hollow tone in his voice that stabbed painfully at his chest, and he wanted nothing more than to apologize, but no words made it past his lips.

Hongbin didn’t speak again as he ushered him inside, except to tell another servant they passed to inform the others Sanghyuk had been found and was safe. After that, he fell into complete silence. He didn’t blame him, not with looks or with actions, but he didn’t convey anything else, either. He simply guided him up to his chambers, helped him get out of his still damp clothes and boots, laid out his night clothes, lit the fires and brought him a late dinner, but nothing out of the usual.

He was about to leave again, no doubt definitely for the night, when Sanghyuk finally managed to gather his voice together and stopped him.

“Hongbin-ah… I… I need to talk to you…”

Hongbin froze with one hand already on the door-know, but turned around again, his face void of any emotion.

“Please, come over and sit down, I… This is going to take a while.”

Hongbin’s brow furrowed minutely, but he quickly smoothed it out, his blank expression back in place as he sat on an ottoman not far from Sanghyuk, but also not too close.

“I-... I’m sorry, Hongbin.”

He needed a moment to take a deep breath, then proceeded to repeat what he’d already tried to explain to N. He was only just slightly more articulate as he tried to convey what he needed to, his thoughts no more in order or making more sense than they had before, but Hongbin listened regardless.

“I’m so sorry Hongbin… I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, and I’m not asking for it, actually. I don’t even know if I can ever forgive myself. I just want you to know… Well, what I just told you. I promise I’m going to apologize to Lord Hakyeon, too, if I get a chance. I don’t deserve his forgiveness, or yours, but I need to make sure you know how deeply I regret what I did, anyway.”

Hongbin didn’t answer when Sanghyuk finished, letting the silence settle around him before he broke it again, surprising Sanghyuk with his words.

“Where have you been all day?”

Sanghyuk’s head snapped up, his gaze confused as he met Hongbin’s.

“I-I… In the gardens, and then in the greenhouses, with N-hyung…”

“With… With Lord N?”

Hongbin’s eyes widened like saucers as he jumped up from his seat, startling Sanghyuk.

“Y-yes…”

“Where is he? Is he alright?”

Sanghyuk was seriously taken aback by how frantic Hongbin sounded all of a sudden.

“Uh… He said he’d come inside and find Wonshik right after he knew me inside safely… He… I found him earlier today, when it was raining. He’d passed out in the gardens and was soaking wet, but he refused to let me bring him inside, so I brought him to the greenhouses instead. He… wasn’t alright… He cried most of the day, but he was getting better towards the evening. I think… I hope he’s feeling much better now…”

Hongbin let out a sigh of relief, running a nervous hand through his hair.

“Oh my, I’m so glad… Sanghyuk-ah, I… I’m not mad at you, alright? I’m not blaming you for… For what happened this morning. There’s something… I can’t explain it to you right now. But… I need to… I really need to go do something now, so… Can I leave, please?”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened, tentative relief seeping into his heart at Hongbin’s words.

Hastily, he nodded, allowing Hongbin to leave. As he was about to step out of the door, though, he stopped him once more.

“Hongbin… Are you… Are you going to check up on Lord Hakyeon?”

Hongbin froze, shifting uncomfortably and avoiding Sanghyuk’s gaze, confirming his suspicion.

“It’s just… I want to apologize to him personally, and not through you. But… can you do me a favour?”

Hongbin blinked owlishly, nodding his head, though.

“Can you make sure N-hyung made it inside, too, and if he’s alright?”

Hongbin’s stance loosened up a bit, a small crease forming between his brows instead, but eventually he nodded, then left.