Two weeks passed, and soon it was nearing a month that Sanghyuk was already staying at Lord Hakyeon’s castle, but he still hadn’t seen the Lord. He’d heard him, once, when he’d been talking to another neighbor about something relating to the maintenance of a bridge that crossed a ditch separating their lands from behind the closed doors of Lord Hakyeon’s study on a rainy morning, but he didn’t pay it much mind as he’d been on the way down to the dining room for lunch.

He’d half hoped Lord Hakyeon would invite his guest to stay for lunch and they’d join him in the dining room, but he’d been left to finish his meal alone. He hadn’t minded much, though, since N had promised to show him where the red stable cat had her nest with a litter of five little kittens that were just opening their eyes, and he hoped the promise still stood even though it had been raining all morning.

Now that it was dawning on him that he’d been there for almost a month, though, and he’d yet to talk to the Lord even once, not even the prospect of meeting N in the afternoon managed to lift his mood just yet. The otherwise delicious meal in front of him lost taste as he thought about his dire looking future, tracing idle patterns into the dust on the table outside of his usual reach.

He’d asked N if he knew why there was dust littering so many rooms, making them look unused, and he’d explained that they actually were unused. Ever since the old Lord had died, the household had been too small to warrant using the big rooms meant for lots of people anymore, and since guests never stayed long, anyway, the servants and maids had been told they could leave the unused rooms alone. A rough down-dusting once a month would be enough. Over the years, once a month had turned to every other month, then to thrice a year, eventually to once a year, and now no one knew for sure when the last time some rooms had been cleaned was.

When Sanghyuk had asked if Lord Hakyeon didn’t mind all the dirt, N had simply answered that no one minded; but that if Sanghyuk minded the dirt somewhere where he wanted to spend his time, he could just tell someone to clean it up and it would be done.

For some reason, Sanghyuk didn’t feel the need to have any space cleaned for him. Hongbin kept his chambers clean, and the little room he used in the rest of the house, like in the dining room and breakfast salon, was kept clean enough, too. Other than that, he spent most of his time in the garden, anyway, and to keep that one clean was N’s duty; or N’s and his, as of lately.

Sanghyuk sighed… Oh, N-hyung… If it wasn’t for him, he was sure he’d have lost his mind already here. If not for him, he would have had to spend all of these days all by himself, and that was never good for him.

But besides keeping him company, there was so much more he appreciated about N! Like how he never treated him as an omega. He neither put him on a pedestal, nor did he treat him as inferior. He showed genuine interest in him as a person, listened to him and the stories he had to tell, told him his own stories in return, laughed with him, , comforted him, let him comfort him in return. It didn’t even matter to Sanghyuk at all that he’d still never seen his face.

He didn’t need to see N’s face, for his very presence, or even just a thought of him, was enough to make Sanghyuk’s heart flutter, his knees to go slightly weak and a healthy blush to tinge his cheeks. He’d prefer N’s voice over any music ever played, his soft chuckles over any love poem, the sound of a smile in his voice over sunshine itself.

The best part, though, had to be his hugs. It’d taken Sanghyuk almost the entire first week to get used to N’s arms snaking around him from behind, crossing in front of his stomach, his chin resting on his shoulder or face pressing against his back. But once he’d gotten used to them, it was a seamless transition to becoming addicted to his hugs. He craved the feeling of his heart beating against his back, the sound of his quiet breath so close to his ears, his soft hair tickling his neck, the warmth he radiated enveloping him all over, no matter how cold or windy the day was.

Even now, as worry appeared to be everything his entire being was made of, he was almost sure that it wouldn’t take more than a hug from N for all of his concerns and fears to vanish, at least for the time being. And oh, how he needed that hug now!

He’d forced himself to eat enough despite having no appetite whatsoever, but as soon as he was sure the amount he’d eaten was definitely enough, he headed up to his chambers to change into his gardening clothes. To be fair, almost half of his wardrobe had been deemed gardening clothes by now, much to Hongbin’s dismay.

Hongbin couldn’t stand seeing his torn and dirtied clothes, once pristine and of the most expensive fabric money could buy, and after a heated debate they had come to the consensus that Hongbin wouldn’t help Sanghyuk when he changed into the gardening clothes; or ‘ratty rags’, as Hongbin called them. The consensus had been forced, too, with Sanghyuk being the obvious loser after Hongbin threatened to quit with Sanghyuk and move to find a job on the other side of the country if Sanghyuk dared to make him touch said rags for anything else other than to throw them away.

That was how Sanghyuk ended up buttoning rows of buttons he deemed quite superfluous on his own and wrestling with boots that were never meant to be put on alone. Despite everything, he was getting faster at those tasks with every day that passed, though; after all, getting changed quickly meant more time he could spend with N in the gardens.

Tugging his jacket into place with finality, Sanghyuk deemed himself appropriately dressed enough and finally made his way out of the room. Fast enough to reach his destination quickly, slow enough not to lose his dignity and stumble or fall at any occasion, and quietly enough to hide his approach in case he needed to backtrack quickly.

That was how he caught the hushed spoken words from behind the service door in a nook at the top of the stairs, most likely not left open on purpose as the subjects behind it certainly didn’t mean for anyone to overhear their conversation.

“I’m really worried about Hakyeon, Bin…”

Sanghyuk froze mid-step. He recognized the voice of Lord Hakyeon’s personal servant and Hongbin’s lover, Wonshik, quite well by now, and he couldn’t help but wonder what the two lovebirds could have to discuss about the reason for his growing stomach ulcer.

He pressed his back against the wall, in the shadows beside the nook, and listened closely; maybe Hongbin was right and he did have a good reason why he’d been ignoring Sanghyuk for almost a month now. Sanghyuk even hoped he had a good reason, and that he could forgive him for his behavior based on it; either way, though, he needed to know the reason to be able to make up his mind about it!

“You see, ever since… since that day, it’s been almost impossible for him to fall asleep at night. For years, he’s been sleeping about three hours a night, if even that much. Then all of a sudden, two weeks ago, he went to bed before it was even midnight, fell asleep, and slept through the whole night! And he’s been doing that every night since then, the whole two weeks! I even caught him smiling once, Hongbin! Smiling!

“And then last night…

“He didn’t sleep at all. He just kept staring out of the window, but I doubt he was even seeing anything, and not just because it was dark. It was as if he wasn’t there, he was just staring outside and crying silently. He looked so broken! I’ve never seen him so broken… It was so heartbreaking, I found myself almost wishing he’d just sob out loud like he used to; at least that I know how to deal with…

“I fell asleep at some point, but I don’t think it was for long. I woke up again before the sun rose, but he was still sitting there, crying silently… And I couldn’t do anything. Bin, you have no idea how bad it was; it was worse even than the night after his father died… I-… I don’t know what to do… I don’t think… Another night like that… Bin, I can’t… I can’t.”

Rustling could be heard from the space behind the door, and Sanghyuk assumed Hongbin was hugging the other man close as he’d started to cry at the end of his little discourse.

Sanghyuk felt terrible. He might not know the Lord and not have the warmest feelings for him, but he wouldn’t wish such soul-wrenching pain like what Wonshik had just described on anyone. Carefully, he resumed his way and put some distance between the door and himself.

He shouldn’t have eavesdropped, he scolded himself. That was what he got for it. He swallowed as he quickly rushed to the back of the castle, towards the garden salon. He couldn’t really expect the Lord to care about his worries when he had something so obviously pressing to deal with in his own life. He’d have to accept that his needs would have to come second to Lord Hakyeon until he sorted whatever it was that was troubling him so much.

He didn’t know what Wonshik had meant with ‘that day’, but the way he’d talked it seemed to have been quite a while ago. And if the Lord hadn’t managed to solve his problem ever since that time… He would probably have to content himself with the fact that he could very well have to wait for quite a while, too.

Sanghyuk grimaced, not liking that idea, at all. But there was nothing he could do about it, and he wasn’t brat enough to throw a tantrum over it.

Sighing, he hurried outside to find N. He really needed N now, and one of his hugs. With sure steps, he headed towards the area of the garden they’d been working on the day before, sure that was where he’d find N.

“Sanghyuk!”

He froze again, not turning around as he heard N call for him from behind way before reaching where he’d expected to find him, instead waiting for him to catch up.

The older sounded slightly out of breath as he reached him, and much to Sanghyuk’s disappointment, didn’t hug him straight away, merely taking his hand in his.

“Sanghyukie… Do you absolutely want to work in the garden today?” He asked once he’d caught his breath somewhat, surprising Sanghyuk.

“Huh? Ah~ Maybe… I don’t know. Why? You don’t?”

He couldn’t see it, but he felt how N shook his head behind him.

“Not really. I… Can we just… be, today? Without doing anything specific. I just…” He broke off, sighing deeply, and worry creased Sanghyuk’s brow.

“Hyung… Are you alright?”

Again, he felt the other shake his head, and his heart felt like it dropped out of his chest.

“Hy-hyung… Did you… Not sleep again last night?”

N had told him recently, after he’d asked carefully around it, that he had days when he just felt so terrible since the thing with his face happened that he couldn’t help but cry all night until exhaustion finally let him sleep, like during those first days Sanghyuk had stayed at the castle. He’d reassured Sanghyuk that he hadn’t had one of those nights in a while, though, and the hug that had followed had felt as if he’d wanted to add ‘because I have you now’ to Sanghyuk.

He was sure his heart cracked, at least, though, when he felt N nod hesitantly now.

Closing his eyes tightly, Sanghyuk turned around before N could react and pulled the older into a hug. N tensed terribly for a moment, but after noticing that Sanghyuk was hugging him tightly, with his eyes firmly shut, he relaxed somewhat in his arms. It was the first time Sanghyuk hugged him, and not the other way around. His arms were hesitant before they came around the younger, but once in place, he held on tightly.

“Oh, hyung… Please tell me you had someone with you to at least hold you or something.”

N shook his head minutely.

“I told you I don’t like when anyone sees me like that…”

Sanghyuk only held him tighter, and idea occurring to him.

“And if they didn’t see you? If they just held you, just being there for you, until you felt better?”

N shifted in the tight embrace, but Sanghyuk only loosened his hold a little.

“Sanghyuk-ah… What are you saying?” the older whispered, unsure, and Sanghyuk took a deep breath.

“I’m saying… Hyung, I don’t look at you anyway… So… When everything gets too much… I could be the one holding you. Just be there for you, so you don’t have to be alone…”

N’s hold on Sanghyuk increased what felt like tenfold, the older hiding his face between his shoulder and neck as a hot tear hit Sanghyuk’s skin.

“Hyung?”

“Oh, Hyukkie… You don’t… You shouldn’t. You can’t stay awake all night just to hold me when I fall apart…”

Sanghyuk made and effort to wrap himself even further around N, one hand coming up to soothingly play with the hair at the nape of his neck, while the other kept circling his back.

“If you can stay up all night, so can I. And if I help you pick up the pieces after you fall apart, both of us will get to sleep way sooner than if you have to do it alone…”

Gradually, N relaxed again in Sanghyuk’s hold, shaking his head against his shoulder.

“I’ll think about it, alright? But I don’t know if I can, I can’t promise anything…”

Sanghyuk nodded lightly in understanding.

“It’s alright, hyung. You don’t need to promise anything. I want to do this for you if you can accept it; but it’s for you, not for me.”

It took a while after that before they broke their embrace and N quietly led Sanghyuk to the small clearing with the lone bench they’d first met in. It had become a thing for them, when they weren’t busy working somewhere in the garden, to just retreat to that small alcove, separated from the rest of the world. They’d sit with their backs leaning against each other, sometimes with their heads leaning on each other, too, talking, or reading, or dozing, or just relishing in the other’s presence.

Today was no different there, except the mood was more somber than usually. It was Sanghyuk again who broke the silence first.

“Hyung… You said you’d been able to sleep so well lately… What changed?”

He could feel N’s back stiffen against his own, but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t answer immediately, either, and when he did, his voice was so faint Sanghyuk barely heard it.

“I remembered, all of a sudden, that there is something I need to do… Something I’ve had to do a lot of times before, and it never ended well. And I knew every time that it wouldn’t end well. But I can’t avoid having to do it anyway. But this time… It’s different. I don’t know if it’ll end well or not. That alone is terrifying, because I don’t know what to expect. But if it doesn’t end well… All the times before, it hurt. Badly. But this time, if it ends as bad as any of the times before… I think it would kill me…” The last six words were barely above a whisper, but N might as well have shouted them at Sanghyuk, they rang so loud in his ears.

It felt like a hand of ice was slowly closing its fingers around Sanghyuk’s heart while the words echoed in his head.

“Then don’t do it, hyung… Please.”

The older swallowed, hard.

“I have to, Sanghyuk… I’ve been pushing it off for too long already. I should never… I should never have pushed it off for this long, never… never done what I did in the meantime. I… I might as well have been digging my own grave, but it’s done now, and pushing it off any longer will just make it worse… I think.”

It was Sanghyuk’s turn to swallow, and he wanted nothing more than to turn around and pull N into his arms again.

“Hyung… What is it you have to do? What could be so important… that you can’t back out of it, even when you know how badly it will hurt, or even that it could kill you?”

N pushed back against Sanghyuk’s back, their signal that he was going to sit up and the other would have to support his own weight, and then sat up, scooting away from Sanghyuk afterwards.

“I can’t tell you that… I can’t even tell you when I’ll do it. I’m sorry… I’ll just… I’ll just have to do it, and you’ll know when it’s done.”

Sanghyuk took a deep breath, releasing it slowly afterwards, trying to fight down the rising fear for what it was N had to do.

“Hyung… I found you last time after you had to do the thing that went wrong, right? I’ll find you again, I promise. I’ll be there for you.”

Sanghyuk was startled when the response to his promise was a hacked breath followed by a choked sob, N curling in on himself afterwards as he scooted further away from Sanghyuk, clutching his chest as if a knife had just been driven through it.

“Hyung! What’s wrong?!” Sanghyuk jumped up, panicked. He didn’t know if he should keep averting his eyes or if it was an emergency situation that warranted him breaking the promise not to look in favour of helping N.

N shook his head though, almost frantically so as he started rocking back and forth, fighting to control his breathing.

“D-don’t, Sang-Sanghyuk. P-please. Don’t. Don’t p-p-promise t-that.”

Sanghyuk could honestly say he’d never been that confused and unsure in his life.

“But, hyung…” He started, but N shook his head.

“Don’t… You might… You can’t… You don’t know if you can do that. You can’t know. So don’t promise it.”

Despite the forlorn words, N seemed a little calmer, and Sanghyuk sat down next to him, placing an arm around him.

“Can I promise I’ll try, at least?”

N didn’t answer immediately.

“If you want to. But… Just know, that… If you can’t keep the promise… I won’t be mad at you. I won’t blame you. Alright?”

Sanghyuk shivered uncomfortably, and he scooted closer to N.

“Hyung, you’re scaring me…”

N shook his head slowly, lifting it just a bit, and Sanghyuk closed his eyes, giving him the time to look up and turn away from him to hide his face. Instead, though, he felt N’s arms around him, pulling him close.

“I’m sorry, Sanghyuk-ah. I didn’t mean to. I’m scared, too, but I didn’t mean to scare you.” He held Sanghyuk close for a long time, but Sanghyuk didn’t mind.

It was getting late when he finally let go, and neither was sure if they’d heard the bells ringing for dinner or not. They walked hand in hand towards the house, but before parting ways where they usually did, N couldn’t help but pull Sanghyuk into a hug again before letting go definitely.

***

Sanghyuk didn’t sleep well that night. At first he couldn’t even find sleep, and when he did, he kept waking up all the time, the most minuscule sounds enough to rouse him. It was how he heard the faint knock on his door, unsure and tentative, as if hoping not to even be heard.

He was wide awake in an instant, running to open the door. He jumped in fright, though, when he found a masked figure in the hallway behind it. Well, not masked, but wrapped in a long cloak with a large hood obscuring their features.

“Sanghyuk-ah~ It’s me…” A tiny voice came from the darkness underneath the fabric, and Sanghyuk relaxed instantly.

“Hyung! Oh, you scared me! Come in, come in!” He ushered him inside, closing the door behind him quietly and instantly rushing to light a lamp, but N stopped him.

“Don’t, please… I don’t… You promised not to look at me like this…”

Sanghyuk immediately dropped the flint stones, stepping closer to N and enveloping him in a reassuring hug.

“Of course, of course, I’m sorry… I don’t know how to work the damned stones, anyway… Can you see enough? Let’s go to the room over, it’s warmer there, and Hongbin won’t wake up as easily…”

He took the older’s hand in his own, leading the way through the dark room carefully. There was but a slight red hue coming from the dying embers in the fire-place in Sanghyuk’s bedroom, but they still kept the place pleasantly warm.

N shivered anyway, and Sanghyuk was quick to wrap his arms around him again as they sat on the futon closest to the fire, with N leaning heavily against him.

“You weren’t sleeping, either, huh?” The older asked quietly, and Sanghyuk shrugged.

“I tried. But I kept waking up for all reasons and none…”

N sighed.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have worried you like that yesterday…”

In response, Sanghyuk squeezed him tightly once.

“You can always tell me anything that worries you, hyung. Shared worries are halved worries, right?”

N snuggled closer at that, burying his veiled face against Sanghyuk’s chest.

“You don’t deserve half of even half of my worries, Sanghyuk-ah…”

Sanghyuk snorted.

“Then neither do you. But life isn’t about deserving, now is it?”

A wistful sigh answered him, but that was all. They sat in silence for a long time, before N’s breathing evened out. It was such a calming sound then that Sanghyuk couldn’t resist sleep any longer, either. With the warmth of N’s body pressed against his, pushing him into the soft pillows, the gentle beat of his heart synchronizing with his own, his eyelids grew heavier by the minute, and he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

He was still sleeping peacefully when Hongbin found him the next morning, though shivering with cold as the warming embers had long crumbled to mere ashes in the fire-place, and N was gone from his arms. The thin cloak he’d been wearing and left draped over Sanghyuk as he’d left did little to warm Sanghyuk, and Hongbin decided to wake him.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Wake up! What are you doing on the futon? Why aren’t you sleeping in your bed? Aish, Lord Sanghyuk! Yah!”

Groggily, Sanghyuk blinked his eyes open.

“N-hyung?” He murmured sleepily, wondering where the older had gone and why he was so cold. It took him a moment to realize he was only covered by his hyung’s cloak and it was Hongbin with him, not N. And Hongbin was staring at him with such a shocked expression the likes of which Sanghyuk had never seen on him.

“What?” He asked, little articulately due to the early morning hour.

“You know him?!” The other asked, shock evident in his voice.

“Who?”

“Lord… N.”

“N-hyung is a Lord, too? He never told me…” Sanghyuk sat up slowly, wrapping the cloak tighter around himself in an attempt to warm up.

“Since when?!” Hongbin continued to ask, paying little mind to Sanghyuk’s sleepy drowsiness.

“What since when?” He yawned, not understanding what Hongbin wanted from him.

“Since when do you know Lord N?”

Sanghyuk shrugged, smiling softly.

“About two weeks. I met him in the garden.”

Hongbin forgot all about his tasks, sitting down at the other end of the futon by Sanghyuk’s feet.

“And you’ve seen him again since then?”

Sanghyuk finally forced himself to wake up fully, focusing on Hongbin’s annoying questions.

“Yes, every day. Why?”

Hongbin’s eyes widened.

“Every day?!”

“That’s what I said.”

“And you’ve… Have you… Uhm, seen… his… ah~”

Sanghyuk sighed exasperatedly.

“Seen his face? No. And no, I don’t want to know what it is he’s hiding from you. If he ever decides to let me see, then fine, but I want it to be him who makes the decision to let me know.”

Hongbin’s jaw dropped, too, giving him an almost ridiculous expression that Sanghyuk commented with an eye-roll and a thrown pillow.

“Stop staring at me like that. What’s the problem with me spending time with N-hyung?”

Hongbin shook his head vehemently.

“None. No, there… There is no problem. I’m just… It’s… surprising. I didn’t think… Anyway, uhm… He was here last night?”

Sanghyuk clutched the cloak that was haphazardly wrapped around his body closer.

“Yes. So what?”

“Nothing… Nothing. I’m just… Surprised. I wouldn’t have expected… But if you haven’t seen his face… Ah, forget it…!”

Sanghyuk huffed, throwing another pillow at the servant.

“What does that mean, ‘if I haven’t seen his face’?! He told me about his face and that he didn’t want people to see it. I respect his wish. But that doesn’t mean that if I saw his face I’d turn my back on him or anything! Seriously, Hongbin, I thought you knew me better than that! I’m not that superficial!”

Hongbin shook his head hastily.

“That’s not- ah… Never mind. I know you’re not superficial. I just… No, never mind.”

Sanghyuk narrowed his eyes at him, but decided to drop the subject.

“Seriously… Anyway, where’s my robe? It’s so cold in here!”

Hongbin hurried to bring him his robe, lighting the fire again afterwards and helping Sanghyuk get dressed. He was absentminded during it all, though, Sanghyuk noticed, a hidden excitement and something akin desperate hope twinkling in his eyes, as if he couldn’t wait to leave and focus on something else, elsewhere.

Sanghyuk didn’t question him. His servant had his own life, his own worries, his own things to do and interests to go after, and Sanghyuk didn’t need to know all about them.