Sanghyuk barely slept that night, and he had a feeling N wouldn’t be sleeping well, either. Unfortunately, though, the older didn’t come over that night, like he had the night before. Sanghyuk turned around in his bed yet again, sighing. Had it really only been the night before when he and N had fallen asleep together in front of the fireplace? It felt like it had been ages ago…

 Eventually, the sun rose, and with it the people in the castle. Sanghyuk decided to get up, too, eventually, despite feeling as if his bones had been replaced with lead. Weakly, he made his way down to the breakfast salon, just to stab at his breakfast unenthusiastically. He didn’t notice Hongbin had slipped into the quiet room until the servant sat down across from him, making him look up.

“I didn’t find Lord N last night, but Wonshik told me he came inside shortly after you. I met him this morning, though, and he told me to tell you he won’t be in the garden today, and for you not to look for him.”

Sanghyuk’s shoulders sagged, but he nodded in acceptance. Still, he wasn’t looking forward to spending the day on his own. He didn’t bother going outside to spend the day in the garden, either, since they didn’t hold half their attractiveness without N there. Instead, he got himself one of the boring books from the library and holed up in his room.

Just a few pages in, and he was already sure the book would be boring enough to kill him with boredom, but he stuck with it, forcing himself to focus on the increasingly boring and predictable story that lined cliché after cliché, trying not to constantly ask himself how someone had deemed this worthy of wasting paper on it.

A small ray of sunshine lit his otherwise bleak day when a knock sounded on his door.

“Lord Sanghyuk? It’s Wonshik here…”

Sanghyuk looked up from the book, blinking in confusion.

“Come in?” He invited the servant in, and he bowed quickly after closing the door behind him.

“A note, mylord… From Lord N…”

Sanghyuk had to reign himself in hard not to leap out of his seat and snatch the note from Wonshik’s hands, instead waving him over to place the small folded paper on the side table next to him. His heart beat faster and he could barely tear his eyes away from it as he thanked the servant.

“Thank you, Wonshik. Is the Lord awaiting an answer?”

The servant shrugged.

“I don’t know, mylord. Should I wait outside in case you want to send him a reply?”

Sanghyuk shook his head.

“That won’t be necessary. Thank you, Wonshik.”

Again, the man bowed, then left.

Sanghyuk wasn’t sure he even heard the lock click after him, as he couldn’t wait a moment longer to pick up the note, unfolding it with shaking fingers.

It wasn’t a long note, just tree words in fact, but they managed to warm Sanghyuk from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

“I miss you.”

The book lay forgotten for the rest of the day, as Sanghyuk found that small note, those simple three words, worlds more interesting than the whole book. He lay back on the futon, staring at the note for hours, rereading it more times than one would think possible, alternating with clutching the small piece of parchment to his chest as if it were his most prized possession. It might as well be.

When the next morning came, and Hongbin approached him with an exhausted expression, he was still not quite down from the high the small note had brought to him, but while he tried to hide it from Hongbin, he didn’t dare investigate the reason for those feelings any further.

The servant flopped down into the chair across from Sanghyuk, his elbows propped on the table, hair disheveled, and sighed loudly.

Sanghyuk rose an eyebrow. Just a few very short weeks ago, Hongbin would never have dared to appear in front of him like that. What a stark contrast he made to Lord Hakyeon’s servant the day before! Maybe he should suggest Hongbin learned a thing or two from his boyfriend… or maybe Sanghyuk didn’t care at all.

“What’s wrong, Hongbin?” He asked instead, suspecting a very good reason for Hongbin to look as if he hadn’t slept a wink the night before. Come to think of it, wasn’t he wearing the exact same clothes as well?

“Lord Hakyeon wants to meet with you again.”

Sanghyuk’s heart stilled. Now that was something he wouldn’t have expected, and now he knew he dreaded it.

“When?” He asked in a whisper, and Hongbin looked up from the speck of dust he’d been staring at on the table.

“Whenever you’re ready, but this morning for sure.”

Sanghyuk swallowed heavily. This would be his chance to apologize to the Lord… Even though it was probably also the moment the Lord would ask him to leave his house and grounds for good...

Sanghyuk’s head snapped up when Hongbin cleared his throat, catching his attention again.

“Also, Lord N asked me to pass you this note…” A minuscule lopsided smile that barely hinted a dimple flitted across the servant’s face as he pushed a small square of folded parchment across the table. With Hongbin, Sanghyuk didn’t have the same reservations as with Wonshik the day before, and he leaned forward as far as he could, snatching it out of his hand before it reached even the middle of the table.

Hongbin’s smile widened a little, but Sanghyuk didn’t have eyes for it, just waiting for Hongbin to leave so he could read the note in peace without having to school his reactions. Hongbin didn’t seem to be thinking about leaving just yet, though.

“Hongbin… Go wait somewhere else. I’ll call for you when I need you to show me to Lord Hakyeon.”

The servant chuckled, mischief glinting in his eyes, but eventually he sauntered out of the room. Sanghyuk was sure he took as long as possible on purpose.

This time, he waited for the lock to click, knowing his servant too well, and only then unfolded the note.

“Sanghyukkie

I know what you’re thinking when you think about the impending meeting. I want you to remember what I told you in the greenhouse; the promise made by Lord Cha to your father still stands, and will always stand.

I also think I know what you’re thinking about how you’re supposed to face the Lord; it might help if you don’t look at him while you’re talking. As rude as you may think that might be, I’m sure it will make things easier. You know how I mean, just like you do it when you’re with me.

I miss you. I’ll be in the garden later.”

Sanghyuk blinked at the note, rereading it again, and again afterwards, just to make sure he understood what N was telling him. In the end, he was sure he didn’t understand a thing, other than the last line, but he would follow the advice given.

As he trotted out of the salon completely unenthusiastically, he wasn’t all that surprised to find Hongbin waiting in the hallway just outside the door. Without a word, the servant led the way to Lord Hakyeon’s study, knocking, opening the door and stepping aside, just like two days ago.

Except that nothing was like two days ago.

Sanghyuk kept his head low as he entered the room, careful not to look at the lord as he swept the room with his eyes to find where he was. He stood in the shadows, again.

“Lord Sanghyuk. Please, have a seat.”

Sanghyuk caught the inviting movement of his hand out of the corner of his eye, and hurried to follow. A hint of the hot feeling that had clawed at him the last time before the wave of hatred had crashed over him spread in his gut, but he forced it down, thinking about N instead. He could do it, he told himself, it wouldn’t be hard, the Lord even had a similar voice to N... And he had to apologize.

He sat down, adjusting his position on the chair he’d chosen, and carefully avoided looking at the Lord as he came closer.

“Lord Hakyeon… I am terribly sorry for my behavior the other day. I have no excuse other than that I don’t know what came over me, and I want to reassure you I didn’t mean any of the things I said. I do not expect your forgiveness or for you to uphold any promises made by our fathers, and if it is your wish I will leave your premises as soon as today.”

The Lord didn’t answer immediately, having stopped a good ways away from Sanghyuk.

“It has long been forgiven and forgotten, Lord Sanghyuk. I do not expect you to go anywhere, and all promises will be honoured, still. Although I have to admit I can’t guarantee that I will be able to find you a suitable spouse in a time you might find appropriate. Of course I will put my best efforts into it, still, but if it is your wish, I will see that I instead find someone more suitable for that task.”

Hot rage bubbled up inside of Sanghyuk, and against better judgement, his head snapped up to look at the Lord. Instantly, the same foreign feeling as the last time returned, clouding his vision, his judgement, threatening to take his self-control from him. But Sanghyuk fought the urge to hurl the foulest insults at the Lord, despite the outright painful need to do so clawing at his heart, his soul, screaming at him so loud it hurt his head.

Eventually, he couldn’t stand it anymore, and he jumped out of his seat, running out of the room as fast as his legs could carry him. Only when he toppled into a row of bushes he and N had trimmed just a few days ago and the wet leaves hit his face did he dare to even breathe again. He sank to the ground weakly, drawing ragged breaths.

Just what was wrong with him that the Lord elicited such a response from him? He might not have yelled at him this time, but surely running away without a single word wasn’t much better!

He just didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. He didn’t hate the Lord!

He curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his torso and holding on tightly in a weak attempt to hold himself together as he felt as though he was being ripped apart from the inside. He felt nauseous, a skull-splitting headache tormenting him while every beat of his heart was a painful struggle.

He didn’t know how long he kneeled next to the little bushes, rocking back and forth slowly while trying to breathe through the pain. Just as the physical torment started to subside, though, he suddenly remembered the Lord’s face. He hadn’t paid much attention to details, not being able to see much through the hate clouding his vision, but what returned with an eerie clarity now was the sight of the Lord’s eyes. Not so much their shape or colour, but rather the look in them; they looked so hurt, broken, profoundly sad…

Sanghyuk gasped as the look in those eyes tore at his heart again, made him want to get up, find the Lord and hug him, console him until he felt better, just something. It didn’t matter how irrational it actually was. But he couldn’t find the strength to get up in him anyway, so he just stayed where he was.

Time passed -how much he would never be able to tell- but eventually, a pair of strong arms wrapped around him, lifting him carefully to his feet.

“Come on, Sanghyuk. Up with you! Let’s find a bench or something to sit, alright?” N’s soothing voice registered easily with him, and he let the older guide him to a nearby garden pavilion.

“Hyung…” He started weakly, needing to voice what was tearing at his heart, but N shushed him, his hair soothingly.

“Shh, it’s alright, Sanghyukkie.”

Sanghyuk shook his head.

“It isn’t, hyung. It really isn’t. I… I…”

“I know, I know. The meeting didn’t really go as planned, again, hm?”

The younger deflated even further, leaning his head against the older’s chest.

“No… I… I tried following your advice, and it went alright for a while. I… I managed to apologize, but then… I don’t understand, I just looked up and everything went downhill. I didn’t yell, but it was so hard not to! I don’t know why! I just ran away, I couldn’t stand it anymore. And… it hurts, hyung. Everything hurts when I see the Lord. It’s as if I’m being torn apart, every little piece of me…!”

N hugged the younger closer, silence stretching between them for a while.

“There won’t be a way around you meeting him more often, though… There are things you have to discuss…”

Sanghyuk tensed, sitting up and winding out of N’s embrace.

“And what if I don’t want to discuss those things?”

“You should want to… It’s your future, after all…”

Sanghyuk huffed.

“I was never given a chance to decide about my own future, with everyone telling me it would be for the better to let others decide for me. I don’t know how to decide anything, anyway! Yet all of a sudden I’m supposed to make decisions? How? I’m just as likely to make the wrong decision as I am to make a right one. I’m not fit to decide anything!”

N shook his head.

“Sanghyuk…”

“No, hyung! If I were given a choice, I know what I would chose! And I know I can’t have it, so I don’t want the choice! There is no use!”

Anger welled up in Sanghyuk and he clenched his fists at his sides. Just thinking about the Lord now was enough to make the unfounded hatred rise again, and he didn’t want that poisoning his soul. It took everything he had in him to focus on something else, something that was strong enough to fight down the hatred; like the man behind him, even though he unnerved him right now. But he focused on how he felt the day before, when he’d gotten the note from him. It helped, and the anger died down.

“Sanghyuk-ah~” N tried again, his voice low and soothing, and it didn’t fail to calm Sanghyuk now.

“I want no part in a decision I know isn’t going to be what I want anyway, hyung… There is no way any decision made by the Lord is going to be what makes me the happiest I could be. Maybe had he made it right away when I arrived… But not anymore. Maybe a month ago I’d have been happy to be given a chance to have an input in the decision about my future. But now I know what I want and that I can’t have it, and all I have left is to choose that I don’t want a part in deciding what‘s going to make me unhappy. I want to preserve at least that peace of mind for myself.”

N didn’t answer anymore, and Sanghyuk didn’t elaborate any further. Eventually, the bell called them for lunch and they went separate ways, like always. In all these weeks, they hadn’t shared a single meal together, and it didn’t look like that would change any time soon. But it was alright.

They didn’t meet in the garden that afternoon.

***

Sanghyuk met the Lord again the next day. Half of the time, he was trying his best not to let the hatred overwhelm him, thinking about N instead. The other half of the time, he was trying not to let the Lord’s words and what they meant for him get the better of him. He didn’t say anything the whole time, staring at the floor instead of looking up and risking a look at the Lord.

“Lord Sanghyuk, if I am to find you a spouse, I’ll need to know about your preferences, too. It’s not all about just making sure they keep you safe and can provide for you.”

The anger in Sanghyuk became too much.

“What does it matter what preferences I have? What will knowing about my preferences change, anyway? Since when am I even allowed to have preferences?! Or actually, since when is it even considered I might have preferences, in the first place?!”

Again, he made the mistake of looking up. Again, those sad eyes pierced all the way through to his soul. And again, the hatred welled up in him, choking him. Except this time, he wouldn’t have been able to yell his hatred out even if he’d wanted to, his throat constricting as the pain in his head and heart overwhelmed him.

He didn’t know how he made it to the garden pavilion, and didn’t know when N had found him there. He just knew that eventually, he found himself circled by his arms, his head resting against his chest.

“Why aren’t you yelling at me already? I am being horrible…”

Delicate fingers ran through his hair, parting it, sorting strands on top of his head, then undoing their work and starting anew. It was oh so soothing, and Sanghyuk never wanted it to end.

“You’re not… I believe there is a reason that makes you behave like you are, and I see how badly it’s affecting you. You are punished enough already without me chastising you in any way.”

Sanghyuk’s throat constricted, the same anger as earlier rising in him and he tensed in N’s embrace.

“I might not be behaving the right way, and I might deserve what I am getting for it… But I don’t deserve what’s making me behave wrong in the first place! That I’m starting to be damned sure of!”

It was N’s turn to tense around Sanghyuk.

“And… And what is that?”

Sanghyuk sat up at that and turned away again.

“He kept asking me about what I want! What my preferences are, what I’m looking for in a spouse! Why? It’s his job to look at what is best for me in a potential spouse, not mine! Common belief is I don’t know what to look for anyway! I was never taught what I should look for; just to let others do that for me! Besides, it would make no difference if I told him what I like. It won’t make a difference to anyone he could find for me! All I am is a trophy or a toy, anyway!”

Sanghyuk had gotten up in the meantime, starting to pace the small room under the pavilion’s roof in front of N, but he’d stopped now, hanging his head and taking deep, shuddering breaths.

“Despite everything, I found out what I want, what I like, what I would wish for. But… He will never find that. And… I don’t want him to find it. It would never… never be right.”

Sanghyuk’s voice wasn’t much more than a whisper as he added that rest to his rant, and he didn’t wait for a response from N before turning away and walking off, hiding somewhere else in the garden. He didn’t come inside for lunch when the bell rang, instead getting himself some tools and tending to a rather neglected part of the garden, close to the furthest corner of the complex. N found him some time around the middle of the afternoon, but no words were spoken between them and they worked in silence, next to each other, until night fell and the dinner-bell rang. Before they could part ways, though, Sanghyuk turned to hug the older. He held him for a long time, and he wished he would never have to let go of him. But of course, he had to, and he could feel N letting him go with the same reluctance that he had to fight against himself.

“Good night, hyung…” He whispered as he finally turned around, stepping through the open doors of the garden salon.