The days went on like that. Every morning, Sanghyuk would find himself in Lord Hakyeon’s study while the other Lord tried to coax any admission of what he expected from his future spouse from him. Sometimes he asked directly, sometimes he veiled his questions. Sometimes he tried to elicit a negative response to be able to cross something out, sometimes he suggested potential candidates, always with rising despair that he tried and failed to hide from Sanghyuk.

Sanghyuk didn’t care what he tried, simply refusing to answer. At some point –always sooner rather than later- he would always snap, though, unable to stand it any longer. He didn’t know what it was that always made him look up at some point, staring at the Lord before the already familiar pain tore through his body and he left the room running.

One night, though, as he cried silently into his pillow, he admitted to himself it was like a morbid fascination that made him long to see the Lords face, just those few fractions of a second that allowed him to study his features before the unreasonable hatred clouded his mind and the soul and heart wrenching pain attacked him.

He still didn’t understand the hatred that overcame him, because despite everything, he didn’t hate Lord Hakyeon. He hated their meetings, hated the topic they discussed, hated the words the Lord said. But he didn’t hate Lord Hakyeon.

Another constant was N finding him in the gardens at some point after Sanghyuk had run off, and Sanghyuk spilling his sorrows to him. He was getting better at overcoming the searing pain the meetings left in his heart and soul, threatening to split his skull, and more and more often he was already fine again when N found him. At least physically. Emotionally, he wondered how much longer he would be able to live like this before he sustained lasting damage from it.

It didn’t help that N was getting more and more silent when they met. And when he talked, Sanghyuk often found that N’s opinions tended to side more with Lord Hakyeon than with him. It hurt, finding him agreeing with the things Lord Hakyeon said, trying to convince him to understand the other Lord. What was worst, though, that more often than not, he could see the reason and understand Lord Hakyeon after N explained things from his point of view.

Sanghyuk would never admit that, though. He didn’t want to understand Lord Hakyeon’s reasoning and intentions. It was so much easier to pretend he didn’t understand than admit that he was right in the things he said and did that caused him so much pain.

Still, he wouldn’t admit to the pain or its reason to N, either. And despite everything, he never got mad at N for what he did. He just didn’t know how long he could live like that, and he found himself wishing Lord Hakyeon would just marry him off to the next best candidate. He would probably be miserable when he did, but he would be no matter who the Lord chose. Still, he believed any kind of misery would be better than the one he was in now.

He couldn’t tell how many days since the first meeting had passed when Sanghyuk eventually ran away after yet another round of questions from the Lord, burying himself in garden work straight away to sweat his anger out before N even managed to find him.

Like always, he ranted endlessly to the older once he arrived, not looking up from his work while he did so, and missing that N had yet to lift a single tool when he was done.

“Why don’t you just say what it is you want, then, Sanghyuk? Even if you think the qualities you are looking for can’t be found anywhere, or if you don’t want them to be found; at least that will be over and you can move on…”

Sanghyuk froze at N’s words, all of his insides turning to ice. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he hid them quickly.

“You don’t understand, hyung. You don’t-… After all this-… What I want… I know what I want because I’ve found it! I don’t want the Lord to find it anywhere else, because it will never be the same. It would only remind me of what I couldn’t have, constantly; making me long for it, but I’d always only find shadows of it that will haunt me forever. I can’t live like that, hyung!”

With that, he ran off, locking himself in his chambers for the rest of the day. Hongbin turned up repeatedly, knocking on his doors, but Sanghyuk turned him away. He knew it wasn’t fair since he was keeping Hongbin out of his own room, too, but he couldn’t stand the presence of another human being with him just yet. And it wasn’t like Hongbin wouldn’t find another warm bed to spend the night in.

Sanghyuk was sure he’d never cried as much as after his half-confession to N. Yes, confession. He’d been sure of what he felt for a while now, but had never put his feelings into perspective. Neither for himself, nor for anyone else. But after he’d blurted what he had to N, it all came crashing down on him.

He loved the older. Despite knowing they could never be, he loved him. Despite being told all of his life that love just wasn’t an option for an omega, he had found it. But he wished he never had, because a pain so severe like knowing his love could never be was worse than anything he could imagine.

He didn’t sleep that night.

He was a wreck when he left his chambers the next morning, and he made a conscious decision not to run into the gardens when he’d eventually flee from the inevitable meeting with Lord Hakyeon. He didn’t want to face N, despite his entire being longing for the other.

His breakfast was left untouched once more, and he dragged himself up to Lord Hakyeon’s study with the last reserves of energy he had left after refusing the third meal in a row. Had he been a little more alert, he would have noticed something about the Lord was different that morning, but as it was, the much softer tone of voice didn’t even register with him.

“Good morning, Lord Sanghyuk… Please, sit.”

Sanghyuk flopped into the seat he always chose.

“Lord Sanghyuk, I’m just going to try and talk about this with you one last time. You… I have several requests from people all over the country and even some neighboring countries… I believe even a princess asked for your hand already, but I’m not sure if it really is the princess or her younger brother that actually wants to marry you… Anyway-“

Sanghyuk couldn’t stand it any longer, his patience running thinner today than ever before.

“I don’t care, Lord Hakyeon. I really don’t care. Be it a princess or a farmer, a duke or a stable-boy. I don’t care. I really don’t. You want to know what I want? There is only one person I really want. One person who I consider worthy of me, one person I want to be given to. One single, specific person I will ever stand the touch of and who I want to be with every single day of my life. But does it matter? It doesn’t. Because I’m nothing but an omega, and omegas don’t get what they want. They don’t get anything; others get them. Others own them. Others make the decisions for them, and whether or not their heart belongs to someone already, it is irrelevant. I will always only love that one person, and besides him, nothing else matters to me. Sell me to a -house for all I care. I’m done here.”

His voice never rose beyond a cordial tone, but he might as well have yelled at the Lord. He didn’t look at him as he got up and walked away. He didn’t look where he went, his feet just carried him as an eerie calmness took over his heart and soul.

He wasn’t surprised to find himself in the garden at some point, but he regretted it once he heard the footsteps he knew like no others behind him.

“Sanghyuk, wait!”

He didn’t wait, only quickening his steps. The calmness faded as quickly as it had come, and tears sprung to his eyes. He didn’t want N to come closer, to hug him or talk to him or to even just be there. He didn’t want more of what he couldn’t have!

“Sanghyuk, please!” There was an underlying pain in N’s voice, and Sanghyuk’s heart screamed in agony. He wanted to turn around and fling himself into N’s arms, wanted to hold on to him and never let go. That was what he truly wanted, but it wasn’t meant to be.

Of course the older caught up to him quickly.

“Sanghyuk-“

“Stay away, hyung!”

He knew the other had frozen behind him, just and arm’s length behind him.

“Sanghyuk~”

“No! I can’t- Don’t, hyung. I- I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t! I told him what he wanted to know! Are you happy now? Did he tell you; do you already know what it was I told him? Or can you at least imagine? Because if you can… You’ll know- There is no-… You know, I told him to just choose whoever. Just marry me off to the next best person to come along. And I hope he does, because this-… I can’t stand it anymore! It’s breaking me apart!”

“Sanghyuk, look at me.”

Sanghyuk froze, his tears stopping instantly as his heart threatened to stop.

“W- what?” He breathed.

“I need you to turn around and look at me.”

“H-hyung, I- You- No, hyung, you don’t need to-“

“Sanghyuk, you say you can’t do this anymore. But neither can I. So just do it, please.”

Sanghyuk swallowed hard, but eventually turned around. He kept his eyes closed, though.

“Good. And now open your eyes. Look at me, and see who I am.”

“H-hyung-…” Sanghyuk didn’t want to do this, he knew something was wrong, something was about to go horribly wrong and he just didn’t want to-

“LOOK AT ME, SANGHYUK!”

It wasn’t so much the fact that N had yelled that made Sanghyuk jump and his eyes fly open, but the pain he heard in his voice.

It was nothing compared to the pain he saw in the older’s eyes, though, swimming in his tears, clouding his face in the deepest sadness he’d ever seen-

No, he had seen that sadness before, those hurt and broken eyes…

Sanghyuk gasped as realization hit him. Every day, he saw those eyes, and every night they haunted him.

He screamed as the familiar wave of hatred washed over him, and he fought against it with all he had. Had his heart and soul ever felt like they were being torn at, it was nothing compared to what he felt in that moment, vicious hatred tearing at them on one side while the most pure of love clung onto them on the other.

He didn’t believe what his eyes were telling him, but everything in him knew the truth and there was nothing that could deny it.

His legs gave out under him, but he didn’t feel them hit the ground. He didn’t stop screaming until his throat was raw and bleeding, and even then he wasn’t sure he’d stopped as he could still hear the voices of unadultered agony.