“First things first. You need a headband,” Brandon declared as they walked into Disneyland.

Joshua laughed. “Why does it have to be first?”

“So you can wear it the whole time we’re here and if a fan passes by they’ll want pics and these will be immortalized all over the internet,” Brandon said, dragging Joshua into the stores.

“You want to be bombarded by my fans?” Joshua asked teasingly.

“Nah. But one or two might actually recognize you and stop us. I’ll be the designated picture taker. Nothing new,” Brandon said, picking up a headband and placing it back. He picked up a headband with Minnie Mouse ears and a veil. “Here, the perfect one,” he said with a teasing grin. “You’ll be a princess.”

Joshua’s heart stopped. It was just a stupid thing. It had a minor special meaning to him, just a little pet name and yet here he was feeling a bit sick over it.

Brandon looked at him, seeing the dread that flashed in his eyes. “What’s wrong? Too much?”

He shook his head. “A little too close. He used to call…” Joshua said trailing off.

“Really?” Brandon googled at him. “You two were weird.”

“It was a thing ok,” he said defending himself. Quietly he repeated, “It was a thing.”

It was their thing. The first time they had , Joshua whined up a storm the next morning. He hurt enough where even lying down was mildly uncomfortable. The pain shooting up from his backside had him pouting the entire day, ordering Jeonghan around for doing that to him. In all the laughter and the waiting on Joshua hand and foot, Jeonghan jokingly said that Joshua was acting like a spoiled princess.

“A princess. That’s what you are,” he said with a smirk.

Whining Joshua denied it, “I’m not a princess!” Pity his voice was hoarse, otherwise he’d scream at Jeonghan. Too much screaming from last night and all those noises he couldn’t keep in.

Jeonghan laughed, getting back on the bed. Kissing Joshua on his forehead, moving to his eyes, to his nose, his cheeks, and lastly to his lips, “You are a princess. My princess.”

It melted Joshua’s a heart a little. But he pushed Jeonghan anyway. “M’not!”

The bastard laughed. Saying over and over again that Joshua was spoiled and a princess.

From there he would call Joshua that on occasion, say it out loud in front of the other guys, and in bed he’d whisper it to Joshua reveling in his whimpers. The er.

It stopped being a thing when they stopped being a thing. No, before they stopped being a couple. It had stopped when Joshua came home late and Jeonghan no longer climbed into his bed, when Joshua stopped going to him out of worry that he would steal what little sleep Jeonghan could get, when Jeonghan stopped coming to him, when Joshua stopped whining to him, when Jeonghan stopped teasing him, when Joshua stopped telling him his troubles. It stopped when Jeonghan stopped talking to him and when Joshua stopped talking to Jeonghan.

“No princess jokes. Got it.” Brandon turned back to the display, picking out a blue rhinestone encrusted headband. The bow was sickeningly blinged out and the ears were sequined beyond belief. “Here bro, now you’ll be a sparkly mouse,” he said, fitting them on Joshua’s head. Brandon gave him a thumbs up. “Perfect.”

Joshua forced out a laugh. “If you say so.” He started walking to the cash register. “You’re paying.”

“What? Dude. You’re the one who’s making bank now a days.”

“That’s why I paid to get us in. Annual passes even.” He laid it down, smiling at the cashier, jabbing a finger Brandon’s way. “He’s paying for it.”

“Of course sir. Your boyfriend?”

Joshua started laughing, hard, clutching at the counter. “Oh my gosh. No. Not that I have a problem with gays but no. He’s my brother from another mother. How nasty would that be.”

“Gee bro,” Brandon said, giving Joshua a dirty look. “Nice to know us doing the nasty is disgusting to you. But yea no. I’ve seen this kid through so much it’s not even funny. Can’t be attracted to this guy. Nope.” He handed over his credit card, signing the receipt.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s ok,” Joshua petered out from his crouched position. “It’s just really funny.”

“Will you be wearing this now?”

“Yea, he’ll be wearing it all day,” watching the cashier cut off the tag. “Thank you.” He kicked at Joshua, “Come on bro. Get up off the floor. It’s not funny anymore.”

Joshua got up slowly, letting little giggles escape his mouth. “It is. But ok,” letting Brandon put the headband on him. “Thanks,” he said to the cashier, waving as they walked out.

“Splash mountain, here we come!”

“You screamed,” Joshua said, pushing Brandon while they waited in line for the ice cream cart, laughing at him.

“I did not,” Brandon declared, pushing Joshua back.

“You totally did. The picture of us going down. You had your mouth open and I sat next to you, you liar.”

“Liar, excuse you—“

“Excuse me,” a voice rang out.

The two of them turned. It was a girl and her friend, clutching her phone. Ah, a fan, Joshua thought.

“Are you Joshua from Seventeen?”

Joshua smiled, “Yea.”

“Can we take a picture?” Her friend let out a little squeal.

“Of course.” Joshua turned to Brandon, “Brandon?”

“Yea, yea designated picture taker.” He stepped out of line going to the girls, “Thank you. I’ll be sure to take some nice photos.”

The girls ran to Joshua, one on either side. He smiled at the phone.

“Smile pretty now,” Brandon said, snapping a picture. “Perfect.”

The girls took the phone back, looking at the picture. “Thank you,” they said gushing.

Laughing Joshua replied, “No problem. Just one favor?”

“Anything,” the red head breathed.

“Wait until you go home to post it can you? I want to enjoy my Disneyland trip a bit more.”

“Of course,” she said nodding.

“Thanks. I’d sign something for you but I don’t keep that stuff on me.”

“No,” they said. “A picture is perfect.” They bowed a little and scurried off.

“Well the first fans of the day,” Brandon said as they got to the front of the line.

“One mickey mouse bar and one micky mouse stick please,” Joshua said, handing the guy a $20. “Thank you,” he replied as he got the ice cream. Walking to a bench he sat down, handing Brandon the bar. “Yea well at least it was only the two so far. We’re lucky to have not been mobbed. But then again I’m not the most popular in the group.”

Brandon jabbed him in the gut. “You’ve been acting a lot lately. I’m pretty sure your popularity has gone up. Don’t be such a downer. Eat your ice cream.”

“I got it mom,” Joshua deadpanned, biting into the mickey head.

“Mom? You little—“

Joshua laughed, moving away from him as his friend tried to poke him.

“Stop jabbing me. The fireworks will start soon,” Brandon said.

“I’ll stop jabbing you when you stop making me take photos with all the Disney characters we find.”

“I sent them to your phone already. Post a few for your fans. They’ll eat it up. Like that selfie you took earlier.”

“You’re like an embarrassing mom who wants to document every little thing,” Joshua complained.

“That’s because you don’t like having photos so I have to document them for you. Which is weird for a guy with your occupation. Just saying,” Brandon replied side eyeing him.

“Shush. The fireworks are starting.”

“Oh. Now look who’s being all hoity toity.”

Joshua stabbed him in the gut with his hand as the first firework went off. He stared as the light show started going off and the music started playing. It was beautiful. The patterns in the night sky, the music, the light breeze. It would’ve been nice to hang out with the guys like this. Too bad.

He let out a gasp as Brandon jabbed him back a little too hard, getting him out of his haze.

“Hey. It’s your favorite song Elsa.” Brandon started to lip sing Let it go at him, waving his arms around exaggeratedly.

Joshua frowned and poked at him, but Brandon wrapped his arm around his shoulders still lip singing. Sighing Joshua gave in and started to sing. He let his voice carry a bit, as the fireworks were loud and so were the people. It’s not like people could actually hear him. As the song died down, he took out his phone snapping a picture of the firework as it bloomed and died.

The show ended, people going towards the exit.

“Let’s wait until most of them are out. We can get some candy for you to stuff your face in.”

Joshua followed Brandon as he went into the candy store. Trailing away from Brandon he started picking out things to buy, stopping abruptly as he accidentally bumped into someone.

“Oh, sorry,” he said smiling down at them.

“Oh. You’re Joshua. You were in that movie Blackheart recently,” she said in Korean.

Startled Joshua stared at her. “Ye-yes I was.”

“You were pretty good. Hey can I have a picture?”

“Sure.” He moved closer as her friend took the picture. The woman bowing and thanking him as she walked away.

A hand patted him on the back. “Hey you found all your candy?” Brandon looked at him. “You ok?”

Snapping out of Joshua replied, “Yea. Yea. I’m good. Let me pay and we can get out of here.”

Brandon stared at him, Joshua could feel his eyes on his back as he meandered to the register.

In the car ride home he asked, “So what was up before we left?”

Joshua sighed, putting his head against the window. “Someone recognized me. But they called me Joshua. They recognized me from the last movie I acted in.”

“Ah,” Brandon said softly, voice carrying over the light music, as he drove down the highway. “It was bound to happen today.”

“Yea. I just thought I’d be able to not feel bad about being recognized as an actor and not as a member of Seventeen.”

Brandon ruffled his hair. “Well in two years depending on what you decide you may no longer be a member.”

The rest of way back to his apartment Joshua stayed silent.

In Korea:

Jeonghan scrolled through his twitter feed, absentmindedly liking tweets from his friends and checking things out. He stopped as he saw a post that was directed at their official twitter. Joshua and some fans. Looking at the English all he could make out was Disneyland and thank you.

Joshua had on a cute little headband. His face pretty as ever. The smile if he didn’t look at also cute. But Jeonghan knew Joshua’s expressions. Well, he thought he still did. The smile on his face looked strained. Just a bit.

Jeonghan sighed, chucking his phone to the side. Who the was he kidding? He didn’t know how to tell Joshua’s expressions apart anymore. He couldn’t tell what was real or fake. Not anymore. Where the did it all go wrong? When did they just stop caring about each other?

“Hey, is that Joshua hyung,” Dino asked, looking down at Jeonghan’s phone.

“Who else does it look like? A stranger? Considering how many times he’s been out of the house though he’s pretty much been a stranger.”

“He just has a lot more work recently. Can’t blame it on him,” Dino said maturely. “Oh Disneyland. No fair. He said he’d take us one day,” Dino pulled a face. He started scrolling down the feed. “A video?” Tapping the play button, he nearly dropped the phone, as loud noises started to play.

“What the?” Jeonghan said, getting up.

“A video. I think that’s Joshua hyung.”

Jeonghan moved over, staring down at his phone. The video was dark and loud but the person who recorded was close to him. Her hands were rather steady too. The caption was all caps and screaming about Joshua and singing. And how she managed to see him in real life but no pictures sad face emoji.

A short video clip of Joshua singing. Let it go? His voice was as mesmerizing as ever. When did he stop hearing that voice in his ear, whispering his name, yelling his name, screaming his name, his name? When? When did he stop hearing that voice tell him that he loved Jeonghan?

His mind flashbacked to that day while it seemed unimportant and just one simple day, somehow he couldn’t help but feel it was the start of the breaking point for them.

“What’s wrong?”

“My voice,” Joshua said. He took a gulp of water, running through a minor warmup.

He was annoyed that day. He remembered. Joshua had been too busy with filming and rehearsals to be at practice with the rest of them and now they had to rest because of him. All that talking on camera seemed to strain his vocal chords a bit.

“Yea, well this is what happens when you’re too busy to practice with the unit. But it doesn’t really matter, you have very few lines as it is. Looks like you’ll be left behind one day since you’re so busy with your acting.”

The look on Joshua’s face for a spilt second; he looked devastated. But it happened so fast Jeonghan couldn’t help but think he imagined it.

“At least I’m making money on my own. Money that I don’t have to share,” Joshua snapped back.

From there it degenerated, the whole unit going at each other, but it felt like they were having a go against Joshua. Railing at him for missing too much practice, for not making the team his priority or so it felt.

Yea. Things started to be strained at that point.

Dino’s voice knocked him out of memory lane.

“Haven’t heard him sing in a long time. Not since the comeback, considering he's been busy with all his acting work. It’s nice,” Dino remarked.

“Yea. It’s great,” his voice echoing the same sentiment. Jeonghan looked at Dino, “Don’t you have something soon.”

“Oh yea. Better get going. Bye hyung,” Dino said waving.

Jeonghan took his phone back, and quietly bookmarked the tweet. He tapped a few things and soon that video was saved on his phone. In a moment of weakness, he went to check Joshua’s Instagram noticing that he posted two new things. Both from Disneyland. A selfie of him and that headband and then a picture of the fireworks. He only saved the selfie.

Why he saved any of these things he didn’t know. It’s not like they were even together anymore. One text, three weeks ago. I’m breaking up with you. No replies to Jeonghan’s questions. Calls going to voice mail. No call backs. It was enough to make him go crazy. But at the time he felt sort of apathetic over it. Somewhere down the line they stopped talking to each other. Stopped hugging, stopped kissing, stopped  loving.

If he thought about he could pick out what went wrong with their relationship and say that it was the both of them. But on some level he could see where he should’ve gotten up and gone to Joshua when he was clearly floundering. But Jeonghan didn’t. He let Joshua deal with his own problems. What sort of boyfriend did that? And now what did he have? Nothing.

He was a prince who lost his princess.

“All right,” the director yelled through his megaphone, “Remember, a devastated look on your face. If you can cry even better.”

Joshua nodded. He breathed in, let it go. Bringing up the feeling of absolute sadness, he looked up, waiting to the clap to go off.

“Scene 30, first take.”

“And start!”

The camera rolled, the music came on, Joshua stared soulfully at the camera, hand reaching out in a beseeching manner, as tears fell from one eye. Taking a step forward like he was supposed to, he still held out his hand, the tears starting to fall from both eyes, mouthing the words, “Please. Stay.”

“And cut!” The director yelled. “That’s a wrap! Good job everyone!”

Joshua dropped his hand. A stylist came running, dabbing at his eyes. He gave her a smile and took the box of tissues. “I got this. Don’t worry.” He started wiping the tears away, heart heavy.

“Wonderful job Joshua. Absolutely beautiful. The look on your face was just so distraught. It was perfect. And the tears. Great.”

“Thank you sir.”

“You’re free to go. In a few weeks the CF will be up.”

Joshua nodded. Bowing to all the staff before he left to go to the dressing room. Stripping, he hung the clothes back up, put his own on. He grabbed his phone, noticing the number of missed calls from Brandon.

Tapping his friend’s name, he waited.

“Finally,” Brandon moaned. “You’ll never guess who showed up on your doorstep.”

“My boss? Wait, he can’t. He’s the one who sent me the text about this CF filming today.” Joshua paused picking up his bag. Walking out he gave one more nod to the staff before getting into his car and backing out.

“Some of your group members are here,” Brandon said. “A Vernon, Hoshi, and Jun to be exact.”

Joshua stepped on the brakes abruptly, ignoring the beeping behind him. “What?” He started driving again, yelling into the speaker on his car. “No way? What the hell are they doing here?”

“They were worried so they came to see your . Vernon missed you. Now get your home to deal with this. I didn’t take time off to deal with group members who are worried about you.”

“I’m on my way. Hide the bottle of pills,” Joshua ordered.

“Got it.”

Taking a deep breath Brandon tried to recall the last several hours of his day. They got back here pretty late, Joshua saying to stay over since he was going to hang out with him tomorrow anyhow. And that Joshua would buy them breakfast in the morning. Come the morning Joshua got a call and a text about a job and off he went, leaving Brandon in his apartment. Fast forward a few hours, a few take out menus later, he heard a knock and ring and lots of Korean. He opened the door to see the people that his best friend was ignoring. Lovely.

“So let me get this straight,” he waved his hand around the three of them, “you all came because you were worried he pulled a runner?”

“No,” Vernon said, in English. “I was afraid he’d do something stupid.” Vernon looked at him like he was something ugly. “Which it looked like he did.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Brandon replied in Korean. “First I can speak Korean. I am Korean too thanks. And two I don’t like what you’re implying. Joshua isn’t dumb by any means. And three we’re not dating. He’s my best friend. Hell I think he mentioned me a few times. I’m Brandon.”

“Ah,” Hoshi said. “The best friend from that show we did a long time ago.”

“Yea. He said he mentioned me a few times.”

“Where is he?” Jun asked, pushing Vernon back into the couch since he seemed a little too aggressive.

“Work. Got a text from his CEO.” He got up going to the kitchen, when he saw that none of them were looking he silently grabbed the pills and plopped them into the drawer. Opening the fridge, he asked, “Anyone thirsty? Or hungry I guess? Ah maybe we should wait for Joshua to come back. He’ll be here soon.”

The sound of car turning off came through the window. “Speak of the devil. He’s home.”

They waited for him to slam the car door and up the stairs. Vernon got up and threw the door open before Joshua could even get his keys, pulling Joshua in to hug him.

“You . What the was with the silent treatment?”

Joshua his head. “I was trying to get my thoughts straight,” he let out a small sound of pain as Vernon squeezed him harder, “it’s not working quite like I want it to.”

Hoshi walked over closing the door and locking it, before he too joined Vernon in hugging him. “You went awol and it seriously bugged me.”

“Junnie,” Joshua said, holding out a hand.

“You were gone for a long time,” Jun said, moving his arms around Hoshi and Vernon, putting his head on Joshua’s shoulder.

He let them hug him for a while longer before he said, “I’m not going back at the end of the month. I called the CEO to extend my vacation another month. I’m going to stay here right until I have to start promos and filming again.”

They pulled back. “What?!”

“Why?!”

“How come?!”

“Isn’t this enough time away from us for you to think?!”

Joshua wormed his way out of their hold. “It’s more serious than you think,” he said as he opened his fridge for a water bottle, ignoring Brandon’s worried look.

“How can we know it’s serious if you won’t tell us?” Vernon snapped.

“What exactly is going on?” Jun asked.

“Yea Josh.” Vernon crossed his arms. “Tell us.”

“You can’t feel it?!" He hissed.  "The fact that we’ve all drifted apart! It’s like we don’t care about each other anymore! I’ll see others not even talk to each other even when I know that we haven’t seen them in days! We’re all in one room and do you know what I see?! Everyone avoiding each other or some people grouping together leaving others alone! Like we somehow prioritized certain relationships with certain members over others!”

Jun looked stricken. Vernon’s eyes widened comically.

Joshua hit his hand on the marble countertop. “That’s only between all of us! Let me tell you how vocal unit is doing! Not well! If they’re not giving me the cold shoulder, I’ll hear snide remarks about my singing or how I’m prioritizing my acting career! That’s on a good day! On other days it’s everyone against each other! You want me to go on,” he screamed.

He took a breath, “If you want me to get personal I can. I’ll come home early some days and I don’t get so much as a hello!  And then when I have overseas work no one seems to talk to me even when I come home days later! Not a hi how are you doing! No nice to see you! Nothing! So you’ll excuse me if I still have to think through!”

. He could feel his throat start to close up, his heart raced, his vision was blurring. Now wasn’t the time to have a panic attack. Clutching at the counter he gasped for breath. “Bra-Brandon.”

“. ,” he said opening the drawer. Hurriedly he took the bottle out.

“What’s happening?!” Vernon yelled. He watched as the color from Joshua’s face seemed to just disappear.

“Hyung!?” Hoshi moved forward.

“Now isn’t the time! He’s having a panic attack! If he doesn’t take the pill he’ll pass out!” Brandon hastily opened the bottle, trying to shake out a pill. But he was too late.

Joshua’s throat closed up and he could feel himself close his eyes. The last thing he heard was Jun shout his name.

how accurate my description of a panic attack is i don't know. I know i have the symptoms right. Don't know if people can pass out from it. But likelihood is yes.

One more chaper. Hopefully I can finish this before October ends cuz I'm doing Nanowrimo.