A/N: Depictions of panic attacks, Joshua taking benzodiazepenes for said anxiety and panic attacks, angst, future fic

Another snap of the camera went off, another pose, another fix of the hair.

“Turn to the left just a bit more,” the photographer said.

He shifted.

“Perfect. Now give me the y look.”

With a smolder in his eyes, he tilted his head back.

The camera shutter went off with the photographer giving his approval.

As the last click went off, he dropped the smolder and the pose.

“Perfect. Today was great Joshua,” he said clapping him on the back.

Joshua smiled. “Thank you,” he said bowing.

“I think the interviewer is over there waiting for you. These shots are great. This issue will sell. And congrats on the new role. I heard you aren’t filming yet?”

“No, not yet. They’re still holding auditions for other roles,” Joshua said with a shake of his head.

The photographer nodded. “Hmm. I see. Can’t wait to see you in the drama.” He waved goodbye. “Better get to the interviewer before they ring my neck.”

Laughing Joshua nodded, bowing one more time to the staff. “Thank you for your hard work.” He walked over to his dressing room, taking off the clothes and handing it back to the stylist. Joshua put back on his plain t-shirt and jeans, bowing and saying his goodbyes. Walking out of the room a staff member motioned for him to follow, leading him to a small room with couches, a table and some plants.

“Joshua, hi. I saw the photoshoot. You were amazing,” she said.

“Thank you,” Joshua replied. She seemed rather energetic. Hopefully the interview wouldn’t take long and he could get back to his vacation. Lovely of his company to spring a job on him, but he did say he’d take the jobs if they were in the area in exchange for his one month vacation with the possibility of extension.

Turning on the recorder she said, “So let’s get started. Joshua Hong interview, 2021, June 20.” She turned to him, “Congratulations on the new role. Saw the news on you passing the auditions for it. It must feel like quite the accomplishment,” she said.

“It is,” he replied. “I spent a lot of my time preparing and taking classes. I’ve only been doing small roles and this will be my first lead role.” It was finally something he could sink his teeth into. Even with all the fame that came along with his last drama, a lead role meant a lot of things could open for him.

“And then there’s the movie that’s going to Cannes. You’re invited as well correct?” She asked.

“Yes. Despite me playing a side character I received an invitation.” One that came as a shock really. He had taken the role as a favor and now the movie was growing rather large.

“Some say that this could be your stepping stone into Hollywood. Since you are native to LA and all. Does that surprise you? Or excite you?”

He blinked. “It’s a surprise. I don’t read the articles on speculations. I don’t think I’m anywhere near that level or rather I don’t think I’d fit in the small roles. They don’t tend to look for Asian actors and they’re plenty of other Asian American actors out there who are probably more experienced than me.”

“Well among the members of your group you dominate in the acting field and Jun dominates acting in China. It’s not a surprise that the news is all over your success lately.”

Joshua blushed. Even after almost two years of acting it was embarrassing to hear. “Thank you. But it’s still very new.”

“What brings you back to LA? It fit into our theme and schedule but it’s a surprise to see you here rather than back in Korea. Seventeen is just a few months fresh off a comeback. Wouldn’t you have schedules for things?”

“I’ve finished all the work on the group schedule and my own individual schedule,” he gave a sheepish smile, “it’s been a very hard several months with me filming and then working for the group comeback and doing different shows simultaneously promoting the drama and the group’s song. I asked for a vacation and was granted some time off.” His eyes dropped to his hands, “I immediately came back to LA. I haven’t seen my mom in over a year. So I’m back.”

“Oh,” she said softly. “It must be tough to live so far from your family.”

Shrugging, he moved back into the couch a bit, “I knew what I signed up for. The distance was hard at first but I got used to it. It’s just that I got a lot busier so taking time to see my family was harder and scarce. It’s nice that I can be here now.”

She nodded. “How hard was it to transition from being an idol to being an actor and then back into an idol for your schedules?”

“When I first started acting it was hard. Now it’s just remembering to talk about the right topics and which show I’m on,” he said with a laugh. “Once I accidentally did Seventeen’s greeting on a show while promoting for ‘Don’t Leave me Please’, it would’ve been fine but I literally did the whole thing. That was embarrassing.”

“Ah, on Entertainment Weekly correct?”

Joshua nodded, face reddening a bit.

“The fans thought it was cute and the MCs did find it funny,” the interviewer pointed out.

“Yes but it added extra time and it doesn’t quite have the impact that it normally does when all of us do it. I had to learn to just introduce myself as Joshua from Seventeen or just Joshua.”

“That time when they just introduced you as Joshua on 1000 songs, how did that feel? You weren’t promoting as an actor then but as a member of Seventeen. Did it hurt?”

God damn. She had to bring that up. “It was a mistake. Or rather the public knows me as Joshua more than they know me as Joshua from the boy group Seventeen. So the MC introduced me like that even when I was with a few members from the group.” He folded his hands, “It hurt at first to know that my work as an actor was more acknowledged than my work as a member of the group. Even now when I go out people know me from my acting roles rather than the group songs. It’s like a double edged sword. Being known for one thing but not another. I guess I just have to work harder at being a member of Seventeen.”

“What do your group mates have to say about your recent success?”

Nothing. They had nothing to say anymore. They might live in the same house but they rarely interacted anymore. Joshua was out a lot and when he wasn’t they were out. If they had free time it was only a few members rather than the whole entirety. The only time they were as one, it was during music broadcasts and even then it seemed like he was no longer as close to them anymore. Granted a few of them congratulated him. But it felt like their bond as brothers, as family was breaking apart. He didn’t know if it was the combination of him working more, or the fact that while he worked they grew closer as he grew more distant from them. Maybe they resented him or hated that he was acting so much rather than devoting all of his time into the group. But they never brought it up during their talks and neither did he. He wasn’t even there for some of their talks either. Goodness knows what they were saying about him.

“They congratulated me and Vernon and Hoshi sent a food truck to the filming area in my name. It was nice.”

“How does Seventeen deal with things like jealously and perhaps resentment for the members who have more work than they do?”

“We have nightly talks. Bring up our grievances. Things like that.” Lies. He never brought up his grievances, not anymore. He didn’t know if they were real or in his head and Joshua didn’t want to start trouble if there were none. Him not being there on occasion also didn’t help.

“Now one last question. Are you dating?”

Joshua laughed, hard. “Goodness no. I don’t have the time for it. I’m so busy with juggling the acting and the comebacks.”

“Are you lying?”

“Are you accusing me?” He asked, eyebrow raised. “I’m not.”

She laughed and shook her head. “Thank you for your time Joshua-ssi.”

Joshua bowed. “Thank you for your hard work. It was a pleasure.”

He left after her, giving the staff that were still there a final bow. He needed to leave now. Joshua needed air and he just needed to be away.

He didn’t lie when he said he wasn’t dating. He just happened to be no longer dating. Climbing into his car, he breathed deeply, turning on the ignition, backing out. Joshua calmly drove to his apartment, bought from savings and the revenue he made off his café back in Korea. Parking, he got out of the car bounding up the stairs. He needed to get inside. His breathing quickened, shortening his breath, his heart raced. Opening the door, he blinked, closing his eyes as he shut the door and slid down.

Clenching his hand around his knees, Joshua clumsily locked the door with his free hand. Tears fell. He hadn’t been lying on that interview. He wasn’t dating, not anymore. In the midst of all this Joshua ended his two year relationship with a text and a plane ticket out of the country. One text to Jeonghan saying I’m breaking up with you. No more no less.

His leaned back, letting his head hit the door. Their relationship was dying, died more or less. The bond between the group and him felt tenuous at best and the bond between him and Jeonghan no longer felt like it was there. Joshua was out doing work, Jeonghan was out doing work. When they worked together, when they were at home together, it felt like Jeonghan avoided him and for once in his entire career as a member of Seventeen, Joshua never felt so alone in a room with twelve other guys.

Jeonghan didn’t seem to want to end the damn relationship so Joshua did that day he left Korea for this vacation.

 Tired of feeling like he no longer belonged like he no longer included, was no longer loved by his own boyfriend, of the constant work, Joshua woke up in his room in their shared house in Korea and went to the company. He straight up asked the CEO for time off and offered to do work as long as it was close enough to him in LA. Luckily his request was granted. Joshua booked a ticket out and went back to the house to pack.

It felt cowardly to run away. But it wasn’t running away precisely. It was a vacation, recuperation. Time for his body, his mind, his heart, to get rest away from the people that were hurting him, unintentionally or not. Joshua needed time to think about the group, his acting work, how he would deal with the aftermath of what he was going to do. He needed time.

In the midst of his packing Vernon came home, interrupting him. “What’s up Josh? Another job overseas?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head as he threw a t shirt into the suitcase. “Going back home to LA.”

“LA? Vacation? The CEO gave you a vacation?”

“Yea,” Joshua nodded. Chucking a shirt that belonged to Jeonghan back on the bed. He wasn’t going to take that with him.

“How long?” He leaned against Joshua’s dresser. “You haven’t been around that much. But then again I think it’s because we’ve been missing each other thanks to the clashing schedules.”

“A month at the least. He let me have a month.” Turing around to look at Vernon. “And while yes the schedules sometimes clashed, you guys weren’t exactly welcoming during our music broadcasts either you know. Unless I was imagining things.”

“A month!?” He sputtered, “We have not.”

“I’m not going to argue with you on what I feel. I might have been imagining things. But whatever the hell it was I can’t deal with it. Not now. I need time to rest. My body aches like I haven’t slept in months and I haven’t. I can’t rest here.”

Vernon grabbed his arm, “No. We need to talk about what you’re feeling. If we’ve been making you feel left out you need to tell us.”

Wrenching his arm out of Vernon’s hand, he said, “And have some of them tell me to grow up and that you guys aren’t? Even if I feel like it is? I don’t think so. I honestly don’t even know if I’m feeling oversensitive or not. I can’t even tell anymore. It’s just too much. I need time to reevaluate everything. Away from all of you.”

“We haven’t. I swear.”

“Maybe not you Vernon. And maybe not intentionally but seeing DK turn away from me when I asked him something. Or having Jeonghan ignore me when I needed to talk. Scoups not look my way when I called him and I was the only there. I just don’t know,” he shook his head, zipping up the suitcase. “Whatever the issues you guys have with me you haven’t brought it up and I just can’t deal with it. It's hard to want to share when it feels like I'm unwanted.” He says with a brittle smile. “I feel like I'm being too sensitive but at the same time I feel justified.”

“Josh,” Vernon said softly.

Joshua clapped him on the shoulder. “You and I will always be close. But in this case I can’t, won’t talk to you. I got to go. My plane is leaving soon.”

“You’re not leaving are you? The group?” He asked, voice sounding vulnerable, even with all he had grown.

“No. I won’t be cutting the contract early. I just don’t know about renewal.” Joshua didn’t know what to do now. But they still had two years left on it.

“Let’s talk about this with the rest of the group. We love you,” Vernon pleaded.

Joshua looked at him, eyes sad. “Can I say that right now that feels questionable. Not from you but from some of the others I just don’t know anymore. I need to go home. To think. To rest.”

Home. Joshua spoke of LA like it was his true home. And that this house that they all had spent money on wasn’t his home. That the life he made here in Korea with them wasn’t home. What the hell made him feel like this? , Vernon thought.

“Joshua,” Vernon said.

“I’ve got to go. I’ll be back when I’ve thought things through or work brings me back.”

“And the others?”

“I already said I was going to LA in the group chat. If you hadn’t noticed.  Just not what for.”

“What’d you tell Jeonghan? You know your boyfriend.”

Joshua’s lips thinned. “I told him I’m breaking up with him. If anyone’s cold feelings towards me is the worst, it’s his. It feels like a betrayal and I— “he broke off.

“Did he say anything?”

“I wonder if he even reads my messages anymore,” Joshua said with a harsh laugh. “It doesn’t matter. We haven’t kissed. We haven’t talked. I can’t even remember the last time we had . I think we’re done. Me telling him is just a way of sealing the deal with actual words. He can do whatever now.”

“Hey,” Vernon said, clearly at a loss.

“I’ll be back,” Joshua said, patting Vernon on the head. The poor boy looked like he wanted to throw up. “I will. Promise.”

Vernon nodded. “Ok. I trust you. You never go back on your promises.”

Too bad at this moment Joshua felt like backing out of his promise. Three weeks into his vacation and he felt no better. He felt rested. But his heart felt heavy still. He probably should’ve stayed to hash things out, but everything was just overwhelming. The pressure to stay in the group, to do well in his acting, to keep up with the rest of the vocal unit, with the dancing, with his many appearances.

He felt the weight on his shoulders and he was breaking. He felt like he lost some pillars of what held him up, with some members being cold while others were the same. Joshua felt like he only had himself now and he hadn’t had only himself in a long time. He was breaking and pieces of himself were everywhere but he no longer had anyone to help him pick them up.

Gasping he stood up, making his way to the kitchen on shaky legs. He felt like his throat closed and he couldn’t breathe, his heart pounding fast. Joshua grabbed the bottle of benzodiazepines that he was prescribed when he visited the doctor upon his mom’s request. Opening it with shaking hands, he shook out a pill and dry swallowed, holding onto the counter.

Honestly he felt humiliated at having to even have to go to the psychiatrist, let alone get told he had an anxiety issue, probably with the upheaval of change that had happened to him lately and, “These are low dose pills Joshua. Only for extreme attacks. Your panic disorder is unlikely to stay once the things causing you the stress are fixed or go away. Be careful, the pills work fast but are highly addictive.”

Joshua nodded. He hadn’t taken more than three pills since he was here. Often times he gritted his teeth and waited for the panic attack to die down. But today it felt like he was going to die from not being able to breathe if he hadn’t taken a pill soon. He moved slowly to the couch, curling up on it trying to still his shaking as he waited for the drug to work through his system.

How could he go back to Korea like this? If he had to halt work because he had a panic attack and he fell apart. The fact that he had done so well hiding the symptoms and worked through the attacks was a miracle for the last year. Then again he hadn’t put a name to it, until now. All Joshua had known was that it wasn’t normal and it wasn’t anything good but he powered through it, almost always alone, unwilling to let anyone see him in his weakness and with no one being around when he had them.

The doctor suggested behavioral therapy, which he was doing, twice a week. But he wasn’t healing quick enough. He could ask the extend the vacation another month, but soon Joshua had to back in Korea to film his new drama and the press promos for the film that was being shown in Cannes. He had to get it together.

Gripping his arms hard to stop the trembling, he choked on a sob, tears falling.

Vernon checked his phone, constantly lately. No word from Joshua. Not a single peep. All he had gotten was a single photo posted on Joshua’s Instagram taken 2 weeks ago. A picture of the sunset with the caption back in LA for work and a stupid smiley face. Since then nothing. No text. No call. Nothing. He was getting worried.

And he was starting to see what Joshua was talking about. No one batted an eyelash when they found out Joshua left. Scoups and Jeonghan mentioned nothing. Jeonghan especially said nothing about Joshua and him breaking up. Vernon was the only one who knew and that’s because Joshua had told him before he left. The fact that he hadn’t mentioned it at all was weird. And the lack of whining of missing his boyfriend also started to ring alarm bells in his head.

Hoshi would occasionally text and ask Joshua how he was doing but he also got no replies. Wonwoo rumbled about missing Joshua, especially since it was their break time and Joshua should’ve been with them too. Jihoon mentioned nothing.

Jun did the same but despite his silence he would look to Joshua’s closed door on occasion with a bite to his lips. Vernon knew that the two had gotten close with the acting work being a bond. Now that Jun was on his off time, him and Joshua would normally take classes together or have fun with their old scripts acting as other characters. But now Joshua wasn’t here.

DK seemed perfectly normal, like Joshua never existed. Mingyu and Minghao made small noises of sadness but seemed too used to the fact that Joshua was gone. Seungkwan seemed to be doing the same thing like Jeonghan. Dino commented on how this was supposed to be time off to hang out with each other but Joshua wasn’t here and how sad it was.

Each member was flitting in and out of the house, going home or doing things. Even when they were all there minus Joshua everyone seemed to attached to one thing or another to focus on each other. Besides the ones who had super close bonds.

None of this was right. It was like they were ok with the amount of distance they were showing each other. Even when they lived together. What happened to their idea of being together as a group for a long time? Where was that sense of camaraderie now?

“Hey, Hoshi hyung can we talk?”

“Sure Vernon,” Hoshi said, jumping off the couch, following him.

Vernon stepped into his room, locking it to make sure no one would come in. “Do you want to go to LA with me?”

“Huh?” Hoshi said, blinking.

“LA. I’m worried about Josh. I was here right before he left and he wasn’t in a good place. He mentioned feeling like he was being left out and the members were ignoring him and honestly from the last three weeks it does look like they’re not caring that he’s been gone this long. And vocal unit. They seem cold about him being awol. Why?”

“I have no idea about vocal unit being cold,” he stopped, snapping his fingers, “Woozi mentioned that Joshua missed a few practices for his drama shooting. He muttered something about having to talk to him about it and wondering if Joshua felt like his acting was more important. But I’m not sure what happened. He never brought it up during our nightly talks.” Hoshi looked at Vernon seriously, “Why are you worried about Joshua?”

“He mentioned something about thinking about when it was time to renew that he might not,” Vernon whispered. “He kept saying that he felt like he wasn’t welcome anymore. And I can feel it too.” He burst out, trying to keep his voice low, “No one cares that he’s been gone for a long time and that he won’t answer his texts or the calls. I’m seriously worried.”

Hoshi nodded. “You’re right. Even when he’s busy he answers texts. He hasn’t been doing any of that at all. And I didn’t know he felt that. . Where did we go wrong?” Shaking his head Hoshi said, “Yea. Let’s go to LA and see what’s up. Let me call the CEO and ask now.”

“Should we ask Jun to go with us? I can see he’s worried too.”

Hoshi nodded silently. Perking up as his call went through. “Ah, President? I was wondering if I could go to LA with Vernon and Jun. We were talking about going to visit Joshua.” He nodded listening. “We can go. As long as we come back in time for next month’s schedule for the photoshoot. Thank you sir. We will. Bye.”

Hoshi held his thumb up.

Vernon sighed in relief. “Let me book the next flight out. I can’t stay here without worrying to death.”

“Let me ask Jun then. Check the next available time we can make it there at a reasonable time.”

Hoshi left the room, while Vernon went on his phone checking out times and flights while simultaneously grabbing his suitcase. ping it, he started to throw clothes inside haphazardly. Jun and Hoshi came in while he was stuffing another t shirt into the thing.

“You’re coming?” Vernon asked.

“Yea. I could tell through that façade that something was eating at him. He’s breaking inside and he’ll need support,” Jun said.

“Cool. Go pack. We can make the flight at 8 tonight and be there in the afternoon. I’ve got the tickets already on my phone,” Vernon replied.

Hoshi ruffled his hair. “When did you grow so mature Vernonie?”

“With my growth spurt,” he deadpanned back.

The two of them laughed.

Quieting down Hoshi said, “Let’s go pack Jun. I don’t like the way this smells. Joshua is never this quiet.”

Joshua felt someone shake him awake. “Go’way,” he mumbled.

“Joshua, dude,” someone said.

“Go away Vernon. I’m tired.”

“Ok. Wow you’re out of it,” Vernon said. “Wait right here.”

Joshua settled back into his couch, hearing the tap run.

“Sorry to do this to you but you aren’t being cooperative,” Vernon said.

A small torrent of water came down on Joshua, making him bolt upwards.

“What the hell?!” He looked up to see Brandon with a smirk on his face.

“You weren’t waking up ok. Now you’re awake and wet.”

“Dude,” Joshua said, incredulous.

“If you didn’t wake up then we can’t make it to Disneyland. Come on. You can’t mope here in your apartment about your with the group. Let’s have some fun.”

“At least people won’t recognize me there,” Joshua said getting up. “And wipe my couch would you. If you damage it because of the water you’re buying me a new one.”

“No way,” Brandon protested. “You’re couch was expensive.”

“Yea, well you shouldn’t have thrown water on me then,” Joshua yelled as he walked to his room.

As he stripped and dried his hair, he heard Brandon go, “Well if you woke up quicker and didn’t call me Vernon I wouldn’t have done that.”

“You sound a bit like him ok?!” Joshua yelled back pulling on a fresh pair of jeans and a new t shirt. Grabbing a sweatshirt along with his wallet and keys.

“You shouldn’t be thinking about them at all. Especially with the way they treated you,” Brandon pointed out, waiting for Joshua to put on his shoes, looking at the bottle on the counter.

“Vernon is cool. He didn’t treat me badly,” Joshua said shrugging.

“No. It was your boyfriend. No your ex-boyfriend,” Brandon said, with a hint of anger. “For a guy who turned you away from the life of a regular church dude. He certainly is cold isn’t he. The bastard. Ignoring you and . er.”

Joshua sighed. “It’s ok Brandon. I’m dealing with it.”

“With anti-anxiety pills,” he hissed. “If I saw them now I swear I’d hit them.”

Grabbing Brandon by the shoulder he said, “Let’s go have some fun. Get my mind off Korea and my new little problem yea?”

Brandon looked at him and nodded. “Yea. Let’s go take pictures with Mickey and some princesses. And buy you some nice Minnie Mouse ears. Take an Instagram pic for your fans and followers.”

“And get some expensive Disneyland treats to stuff my face with. I’m due for some weight gain. My stylist cries every time I lose weight.”

“Let’s stuff your pretty face with sweets and then my friend.”

“Where are you three going?” Dino asked.

“On a trip,” Hoshi replied.

“Yea, but where,” Seungkwan asked.

“LA. To visit Joshua,” Jun said, placing his shoes on.

“What for?” Jeonghan asked.

If Vernon strained his ears, he could hear an undercurrent of resentment. “Because I miss him that’s why. If you don’t that’s your problem. I miss him so I’m going to see him and hang out with him. Have fun on your break Jeonghan hyung.” He jammed his shoes on. Going out the door with Hoshi and Jun.

“Hey! Have you squared this away with management?” Scoups asked.

“Yea. We did. Bye.”

“You’re leaving too?” Wonwoo asked.

“To visit Joshua hyung,” Jun answered.

“Can I come?” Wonwoo asked.

“And me,” Mingyu chimed in.

“Hey, don’t leave me, “Minghao yelled.

“You think the president is going to approve all of you to go to LA without management?”

“Call and ask,” Hoshi said. “I don’t know about our flight but you might be able to make a later one if you hurry.”

“No,” Scoups said. “We can’t have that many members leaving at once. We’d get caught. If you guys want to go you’ll have to wait until a few days later.”

“Well we have a flight to catch so bye,” Vernon said waving at them.

“We’ll see you in LA,” Mingyu said with excitement. “President will let us go. No problem.”

“Uh huh. Message if you do get to go.”

A/N: One more chapter i think. can't believe i'm starting another fic. god damn.