Word Count: 4560

Hoseok never knew how he could love until it was too late.

It's not angst??? I don't think?? The song That's The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift was the inspiration for this one. Good luck! Junghope Fighting!

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“Hoseok, I’m jealous. Your boyfriend is a catch, where can I find a guy like him?”

Hoseok laughed and shrugged. He was used to those comments by now, after his classmates had seen his boyfriend waiting for him after class- sometimes with coffee, sometimes with flowers or a protein bar, -always with a hug and a kiss on the cheek- they come up to him to tell them how jealous they are of his boyfriend.

And they should be. Hoseok is no fool, his boyfriend is wonderful. He’s responsible, he never skips class, always makes good grades, has a plan of what he wants to do despite being a sophomore in college, hell Hoseok didn’t figure out what he really wanted to do until last year, his junior year.

“Hi babe,” Hoseok heard, before he felt arms wrap around his waist from the side. Turning his head, he saw his boyfriend smiling brightly at him, before he felt lips gently touch his cheek, “Do you want to go get brunch? I know you didn’t get breakfast this morning and you have class in the afternoon. I don’t want you skipping meals, hyung.”

He also pays attention to Hoseok. Shows that he cares about him in every way possible, that he respects him.

Hoseok smiled and nodded, “Yeah, that sounds fine.”

Hoseok knows his boyfriend is a catch.

And yet.

*

“Why don’t you ever ing listen to me! I have class I don’t have time for this!” Hoseok yelled, his chest heaving from their argument.

“You never have time, it’s one class! Is it wrong for me to want to spend time with my goddamn boyfriend?” The younger yelled back at him.

“I can’t just skip class because of you. I need to make good grades so I can get a good job! Which you should be doing the same! This is important for our future!”

Hoseok flinched at the heated look he got and stepped backwards when his boyfriend started to take long strides toward him.

“Wha-what are you doing?” Hoseok stammered out, he was nervous, though he knew the younger would never hit him it was still intimidating when the younger stalked towards him.

He didn’t respond, instead he grabbed Hoseok by the shirt and slammed their mouths together making Hoseok grab onto the other’s arms to keep himself up.

After pulling away, the only noise in the room was their heavy breathing before the younger whispered, “You, and you alone, is the most important thing in my future.”

*

“Hyung, are you okay?”

Hoseok blinked a few times, “Oh, uh yeah. Sorry, I didn’t mean to space on you like that.”

The younger smiled and squeezed his hand, “It’s okay hyung, I know that you’re probably stressed. I’m just glad that you took the time to even come with us tonight.”

Hoseok shot him a small smile, murmuring a quiet thanks when the younger opened his car door. Something the younger always did for him, before he fastened his seat belt. He looked out the window as his boyfriend climbed in and started the car. As Hoseok stared out the window he accidently locked eyes with Yoongi, who was in the car beside theirs. Hoseok glanced away quickly, he knew what his best friend was thinking, and he knew he didn’t want to acknowledge it.

Hoseok let the younger tangle their fingers together on the drive home. Hoseok liked the younger, he really did. He was good for Hoseok, he was polite to others, he was nice to Hoseok. He always respected the older’s space, never pushing for more (in any sense), always making sure that Hoseok was comfortable no matter what they were doing, and Hoseok appreciates that (he has bad anxiety so he doesn’t like new things).

Hoseok really does appreciate that.

And yet.

*

“Hobi, let go,” Hoseok heard his boyfriend growl as he tried to gently pry the younger off of the hand rail.

“Okay brat, it’s hyung to you,” Hoseok said with his eyes shut and hands gripping tighter on the metal bar, though he knew that the younger had long stopped calling him hyung, “and, you know I have anxiety. I cannot go on that death machine!”

Hoseok felt the younger stop his tugging before he felt arms wrap around his waist, “I know you do baby, but I don’t want you to be so afraid that you miss things in life. I know you get mad at me when I push you out of your comfort zone, but I do it because I love you. Because I want you to live life to the fullest. I’m here sunshine, I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?”

Hoseok felt his nerves calm down-something that the younger could always do, though the butterflies in his stomach multiplied, “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay?” He asked, letting his arms unwrap from the older’s waist and grabbing his hand instead. He let their fingers intertwined and Hoseok squeezed his hand, showing the trust he had in the younger.

They both trudged up the stairs to join everybody else in line for the rollercoaster.

“You got him to come?” Yoongi asked with apparent surprise.

The younger just nodded as he pulled Hoseok closer to his chest, “Hoseok is stronger than you think hyung.”

Everybody nodded and murmured agreements. Nobody said anything about Hoseok’s shaking form clinging on to his boyfriend.

“This way, you’ll be so used to facing your fears, that even if I’m not around, you can still do it sunshine.”

Hoseok looked up at his boyfriend, at the love of his life, “Please don’t ever let that time come. I can’t do this without you.”

He only received a smile and a peck on his forehead.

He should’ve known.

*

“Hey babe,” Hoseok glanced at the clock.

6:00 p.m.

The younger always called when he said he would.

“I’m about to head over and then we can head to your parent’s house, okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon.” Hoseok agreed before hanging up.

Hoseok knows that it’s a good thing that his boyfriend keeps to his word. He always calls him on time, always shows up on time. Never cancels on him last minute, and doesn’t deviate from the plans. Hoseok hates surprises. He knows that he should be grateful for his boyfriend.

And yet.

*

“You said you’d call an HOUR ago,” Hoseok said, frustration evident in his voice.

“Listen sunshine, I know, but I was working on something.”

Hoseok snorted, “Was it so important that you couldn’t call me and let me know earlier if you were going to make it to dinner or not? I just went ahead and told my parents that you weren’t coming.”

“Well then, they’ll be surprised when I do show up. Sunshine, listen, I was working on something for you.”

Hoseok sighed, “It’s always for me! All I want is you. I just want you to call me when you say you will. Why do you always do this? I just want you, why can’t you understand that?’

It was quiet for a minute before he heard the other’s voice, “Because me by myself is not enough for you.”

Hoseok was stunned, he meant to say that it wasn’t true. That he was more than enough for him. But he couldn’t form the words, too stunned to speak.

“That’s what I thought. Listen, something came up. Tell your parents I said hi.”

.

Hoseok was stressed after the phone call, he didn’t want the younger feeling like that. After the call he just cleaned, he cleaned the whole apartment and just rescheduled the dinner with his parents, too worried about the fight he had with his boyfriend.

“Coming!” He called as there was continuous knocking on the door.

“Hi sunshine,” his boyfriend said as soon as he opened the door, “would you like to dance?”

Hoseok stared at the wet form in front of him before laughing and rushing past his boyfriend, catching his hand as he went by and tugging him outside onto the wet pavement.

“I’m sorry sunshine,” The younger mumbled into the other.

“You’re enough baby, I promise you’re enough. I love you, okay?”

“I love you too, I love you so much.”

Hoseok ignored the pang in his chest from his boyfriend’s tone.

He should have known.

*

“Boys! Dinner’s ready!” Hoseok’s mom called out, the two men in the living room. Hoseok and his sister chuckled as the two came in, talking in a serious tone about the stock market. The usual topic between the two, his dad a CEO of a medium sized company and his boyfriend a business major.

As they settled around the dinner table, everybody was in high spirits. Their conversation flowed natural and Hoseok felt comfort in this family dinner, one that was overdue for him.

“You dance and sing?” Hoseok’s mom asked, before shaking her head, “Man, Hoseok has a knack for the talented ones.”

Hoseok stiffens at the comment, which goes unnoticed by his mother as she continues, “I’m glad Hoseok found you though, especially since the last one-”

“Hoseok, how is classes going? You’re in your final year now, it’s not too stressful, is it? Noona remembers never sleeping when it was my last year.”

Hoseok was beyond grateful for his sister’s interruption, but he had stiffened considerably and he knows that his mouth is in that stupid shape it makes when he’s in a mood.

He also knows that Jimin has picked up on his discomfort, but he doesn’t risk a glance at the man beside him, though his thoughts are confirmed when the other reaches out and squeezes his hand gently. Hoseok tugged his hand away, keeping it in his lap instead as he turned toward his sister.

“No Noona, I sleep just fine. Unlike some people, I actually stay ahead of my work, and don’t wait to do everything last minute.” Hoseok retorted, before silently thanking her with his eyes.

She nodded once, before turning the conversation back onto the youngest. His mom and dad, thankfully, having caught on jumped back into the conversation as well.

His boyfriend continued on like nothing happened. Hoseok knew he hurt the other by taking his hand away, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t hold his hand right now, and he knows that younger won’t mention it, won’t ask him about it.

Hoseok knows that it’s nice of his boyfriend to not pressure into Hoseok to talking, to not confront him.

And yet.

*

“Honey,” Hoseok heard his mom’s voice carry through his door, “Are you okay?”

Hoseok sniffled a few times before collecting himself and heading towards the door. He opened it and faked a smile for his mom, “Yeah, I’m fine mama.”

She shook her head before wrapping her arms tightly around him, “Did you two have a fight again?”

Hearing those words made the damn break in Hoseok, and he nodded as tears flowed down his cheeks. “He just, I just feel like he wants more from me than I can give. He’s always pushing me out of my element.”

Hoseok’s mom nodded, and her son’s hair, “And that’s a bad thing?”

“Is it not Mama? You know I have anxiety. I hate having panic attacks and he-he just lives wild and free and I can-can’t do that.”

“Hoseok-ah,” she called gently, “I’ve seen you dancing in the pouring down rain with him, when you used to be terrified of the rain. I think you can do anything that you want to do.”

Hoseok flushed at the memory of his parents catching them dancing in the rain before he shook his head, “He’s just so frustrating Mama. I don’t know what to do. Since I’ve been with him, I’ve just felt all kinds of emotions. He’s not like anyone else Mama. He’s too straight forward. He does what he wants, without a care about the future. He just, he gets so lost in now and he acts so crazy.”

Hoseok finished his ramble and leaned back in his mom’s embrace, furrowing his eyebrows together when he caught the smile on her face.

“Oh Hoseok-ah. Is all that such a bad thing? I’ve seen him, you two have been together for a while now, and he is all those things. But he gets lost in you darling. He’s in love, honey, and when you’re in love you do some crazy things. I know you think that he’s everything you’re not, but don’t you think that that’s a good thing? Since you two have been together, you have a lot less panic attacks and you’ve done so many new things. I know you know this Hoseok-ah, so what’s really bothering you?”

Hoseok bit his lip, because his mom was right. He knew that all of that wasn’t the problem, he was really just scared.

“What if, what if one day he realizes that I’m not enough? That he needs somebody wild and passionate like he is?”

“Hoseok-ah,” His mother called gently, “You silly boy. One day you’ll realize what he already has.”

Hoseok never did figure out what she meant by that.

He left him before he ever got the chance.

*

“Is it okay if I come up?”

“Uh, yeah. That’s fine,” Hoseok said as he stepped out of the car. He waited till the younger was beside him before leading them to the elevator. His lips quirked up in a small smile when the other laced their fingers together, but he was to tense to do anything else.

Hoseok untangled their fingers to unlock his door and kicked off his shoes as soon as they were through the door. He left the younger behind on accident, his thoughts all over the place, as he walked towards the kitchen.

“So,” The younger started as he leaned casually against the counter. Hoseok made a quiet humming noise to acknowledge him as he shuffled around the kitchen to make them some tea.

“Anything you want to tell me?”

Hoseok froze. “Nope, not really, why?”

He faked a smile, bile rising in his throat as his boyfriend stared at him. Hoseok could see the sadness that clouded the other’s eyes. He would never push the conversation because he would never want to fight with the older. He would never dare to fight with Hoseok, he’d much rather bow out and accept defeat then put up a fight. He knows that he should be happy about somebody willing to keep him happy, even if he was wrong.

“Okay, hyung.”

And yet.

“Why do you do that?’” Hoseok heard himself murmur, he could feel his boyfriend’s curious stare before he stopped messing with the tea bags and turned to look at him, “Why do you just let things go?”

Jimin looked thoroughly confused, “Because I don’t want to fight with you.”

“But something is bothering you, you’re really willing to just let it go simply because you don’t want to fight with me?”

Hoseok watched as his boyfriend clenched his jaw before he replied, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Hoseok crossed his arms over his chest, ready to pick a fight. He knew that what he was about to do was mean and the younger was underserving of it.

And yet.

“I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you always protecting me and coddling me. Like I’m some fragile thing, like I’ll break any second.”

The other looked surprised after Hoseok’s confession, “But-”

“You never push me,” Hoseok interrupted, “You always make sure I’m comfortable. You always follow a routine, this isn’t living! This is wasting life, being in this complacency.”

Hoseok froze, realizing what he had said. Complacency was something he had thought he always wanted, and yet when he got it, the panic attacks became more frequent, and this time, he handled them on his own. He looked at the other sitting in front of him with a hurt look, because as much as he liked the younger, he just didn’t feel anything with him.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he repeated calmly, jerking Hoseok from his revelation, before he added, “I don’t want to hurt you like he did.”

Hoseok clenched his fist, “How did you know?”

He let out a scoff, “We’re from the same town. I never met him personally, but I knew of him, seen him around.”

Hoseok was surprised at the irritation that had begun to come out of the younger.

“The golden maknae is what everybody called him. The one that was good at everything, the one who was forever young, the one who lived life like it was his last, the one who’s passion is unrivaled.”

Hoseok looked away because he knew that even away from his home, that was still how people talked about him.

His boyfriend added, “He went away to University and I was so happy to not have to hear about him again. Everybody adored him and I always had to hear girls moan about how unattainable he was. He never dated anybody, always said he didn’t want to be tied down. Said that he’s got to find someone that has the same passion that he does. So imagine everybody’s surprise when he comes home to visit and everybody finds out that he’s got a boyfriend.”

Hoseok mouth stayed in a straight line as the younger continued.

“I didn’t know it was you at first, I promise. It wasn’t like I sought you out because you were his ex-boyfriend, in fact I honestly wasn’t sure until that first dinner with your family. Your dad has a picture of the three of you in his study, and I saw it when he was showing me one of his books.”

Hoseok looked at the younger, “Yeah. I know that picture.” Before he added, “Well I guess you know my dirty secret now. I’m the one he took a chance on, but it turns out I wasn’t the person he was looking for after all.”

The other looked at him incredulously, “You really don’t know?” before shaking his head, “It’s fine hyung. I don’t care that he’s your ex.”

Hoseok snapped, “It’s not fine. Even after knowing all of that you still want to be with me? You want to be with his ex?”

The younger nodded, “Of course I do. I love you, and it’s okay if you don’t love me back. As long as we’re happy, right?’

“But I’m not happy! And that’s not love! Love is not you wanting to keep me comfortable, and that being so cautious because you’re afraid of hurting me.” Hoseok’s eyes widened as he thought back to him, “Love is pushing! Love is knowing that the other person is so much stronger than what they say are. Not being somebody that is walking on eggshells around their boyfriend because he’s afraid of hurting him! Is that not tiring? Always having to watch what you say and do? Because I can’t stand that. And I hate that you’re okay with me not loving you back! And I hate that, that-”

“That I’m not him?” He finished sadly for Hoseok who could only turn away.

“Yeah,” The younger said softly, “Me too.”

Hoseok set his mouth in a line and then headed towards the door. He put both his shoes on as he blinked back tears.

“You really are the one,” the younger mumbled to himself, “He was right.”

Hoseok looked up one last time, taking in the younger sitting there and smiling sadly at him, before he turned his back on the image, sparing one last glance over his shoulder.

“I really am sorry, Jimin.”

And with that he was out the door and gone.

“Yeah, so am I Hoseok.”

 

*

“I’m coming!”

Hoseok continued to pound on the door right up until it swung open to reveal a half-asleep Taehyung. A half-asleep Taehyung who took one look at Hoseok and dragged him inside to the couch before disappearing into a bedroom.

“Hoseokie?” Hoseok heard Yoongi’s groggy voice before he saw him. “What are you doing here?”

“I-I’m tired Yoongles.”

Yoongi looked startled for a second before he understood what his best friend meant. He made his way over to him, wrapping the other in his arms for comfort. “I know Hoseok. I know you are.”

“I just-I left Jimin there in my apartment all by himself, and I said so many mean things- god I’m so stupid. I just-I was just so tired of it all, you know hyung? I was tired of hearing how perfect he was. How lucky I am to have such a wonderful boyfriend. I know that I am lucky to have somebody so perfect, but why didn’t I feel anything then? Why am I so unhappy then?”

“Look, Jimin is a great guy and I like him. And I know that you care about him. But you’ll never be truly happy with Jimin because you’re not over him.”

“I know. But I can’t understand why. I loved him, Yoongi, I really did. But I just think about all the things we said to each other, every fight, I mean-how many times did we break each other’s heart? I just-”

“Once.” Yoongi said, cutting Hoseok off before explaining, “You broke each other’s hearts once.”

“Yoongi,”

“No. You may have fought a lot, but within five minutes you two were back to being disgustingly in love. And your fights were dumb. It was almost like you two were trying to see who could out love the other more. So you two broke each other’s hearts once, when you decided to let go of each other.”

Hoseok sat there in shock at his best friend’s words before Yoongi leaned back and added, “You know we were all rooting for you too. You two were the couple. The ones that would make it to the end. So in love that nothing else mattered. You were the couple that everybody else wanted to be like. I don’t want you to feel bad Hoseok, I promise that’s not why I’m saying this, but you know why Taehyung won’t give anybody a chance?”

Hoseok frowned and said softly, “Yoongi.”

“Because, the couple that he looked up to, broke apart. He said if you two can’t make it then can anybody really love each other till the end?”

Hoseok reached out and squeezed his best friend’s hand. “You two can make it, he’ll come around Yoongles. Plenty of people that love each other make it, you know that.”

They sat in silence before Yoongi finally spoke up, “I don’t know that Hoseok. I don’t think Tae’s wrong. Yeah people that love each other can make it. But that wasn’t you and him. You two were a whirlwind of love. When you two were together it was almost like you both set the world on fire. There was a burning glow around you two, and that’s something that is hardly ever seen. It’s like you were both so in love that you were fearless, that it was the world against you two and that together you would come out on top.”

For the first time since that night, Hoseok let the tears pool in his eyes.
“I shouldn’t have let him walk away. I should have fought for him.”

Yoongi seemed surprised by the confession, “I thought you two mutually broke up.”

Hoseok shook his head, “He said that he wasn’t enough for me. That all we ever did was fight and argue and that he made me more unhappy than he did happy and god I was so angry at the time. I just stood there. I knew that none of that was true, I knew that what he did was love me harder than anybody did-anybody could, but I was just so angry and so hurt at his words. I let him go.”

Yoongi’s schooled his features but Hoseok could still see disbelief in his eyes.

“I was scared on top of it all. He made me feel so many things. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, one that I was afraid of. And this time he couldn’t hold my hand on this, no matter how hard he tried. Eventually I just let him go because in my mind I knew that he deserved somebody that was more than I could be for him. Somebody that could love him with the same wild passion that he had loved me- loved life with.”

Yoongi shook his head before flicking the younger on the forehead, “Did it ever occur to you, that maybe you are that person? You were so worried about not being that kind of person, that you over looked the fact that you are that person. You love life Hoseok, and you loved him with a type of burning passion that left trails of fire behind. Did you ever think that he had realized this? That every time he pushed you, it was so that you could realize that you don’t need anybody to be alive, that you are strong enough on your own?”

Hoseok stopped breathing for a second, before everything came crashing down on him. And for the first time since that night, he let sob after sob rack through his body.

He should have known the younger would have realized it before him.

He should have known that the younger would sacrifice his own happiness for Hoseok.

He should have known to not let go.

“I still love him, Yoongi,” Hoseok said between sobs.

Hoseok should have known that he would always be his.

Hoseok should have known the way that he had loved him burned just as brightly as the way he did.

Maybe then he would still have him.

Jeon Jungkook, I’m sorry, I should have known that was the way I loved you.

*

“Yeah Yoongi, I’m fine. No, don’t worry about me okay? Be careful on your date with Taehyungie, it is raining after all.” Hoseok teased, laughing as the other replied with curse words before hanging up.

Hoseok laughed again to himself before shuffling around his new apartment. It’s been several months since he realized that he wasn’t over Jungkook, he had ended his relationship with Jimin. He felt bad, he knew that he had broken the younger’s heart but he knew that somebody better suited would come along for Jimin. They were still friends though, honestly, they made better friends than they did boyfriends and Hoseok is so happy to have gained somebody wonderful in his life.

He had made the decision to wait.

“Is it dumb hyung?” Hoseok asked, “To wait?”

“For what?” Yoongi asked arching an eyebrow.

“Well they always say that if you let something go, if it’s truly yours then it’ll come back to you.”

Yoongi smiled and ruffled the younger’s hair, “It’s not dumb at all Hoseokie.”

A love like theirs will continue to burn, so he will continue to wait, he thought as he smiled softly at the rain rolling down his window.

If you come back to me,

“Coming!” Hoseok called as continuous knocks echoed through his apartment. He bounded towards the door, not bothering to look through the peep hole before slinging it wide open.

That’s the way I’ll love you.

---

A/N: Hullllloooo!!!!! I left the ending open because you never know ;) Also, I do take requests. I have two right now that I'm working on, I originally wasn't going to because I'm bad at time management, but I'm working on it so I am open to them now. If you have one, or even just want to chat over Junghope, you can comment below. You can also find me on Twitter @xdoublexo I just started it, so there's not much on it lol, it's my kpop twitter. You can also find me on Tumblr: doubletrixx, I don't do much except reblog things on there, but you can request things through both of those as well. And the last one is Line, we can chat/request through there as well, my ID is xdoublexo, my name will be DoubleX. Alright, now that that stuff is over with, I will talk to you all soon! Thanks for reading!!

You're a brave soul.

-Double X