I was fortunate enough to have taken a semester off of school to heal a minor knee injury that could potentially turn major. With the three months in bed, that was for sure healed and soon enough, I was back on my feet and dancing.

My instructor seemed to be the most indifferent to see me. Maybe she hadn’t heard of the accident. I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her. Some of the underclassmen I used to lead workshops for all gave me a hug once they saw me. The classmate who had taken over my workshops in my absence was less thrilled to see me., but she still smiled and said she was happy I was well again.

Hey, I’ll take it.

Class went on as usual. I’d been worried I might not be up to par on the first day, but I couldn’t be any happier to find out I was wrong.

Watch out world. Kwon Alice is back.

At the end of the first class, Ms Yoo asked who would like to be workshop leaders. She started coldly with, “Who wants to put in extra hours for virtually no extra reward or credit?”

Many hands shot up, obviously including mine. It was the same every year. There were only enough underclassmen for five workshop groups. The many of us would have to battle for the order in which we get to choose out of the already-set groups.

Literally battle. Dance battle.

Only a couple of people, upon seeing the number of volunteers, chickened out and lowered their hands. Ms Yoo looked over us like a queen watching her kingdom. She sighed. “Sungpyo,” she called.

The boy in question straightened his posture in his seat, cross-legged, on the floor. “Yes.”

“Why do you want to do this?”

Sungpyo gulped. “Because I did workshops as an underclassman and I found my mentor to be extremely helpful.”

“Who was your mentor?”

“Lee Dohyung.”

“Lee Dohyung led a workshop when he was two levels above you. What makes you think your performance will be up to par with his?”

He blinked. “Lee Dohyung taught us dance genres not in the curriculum. I believe that I have enough mastery in those genres to teach another generation of dancers to expand their vision of the dance world.”

Ms Yoo cocked up an eyebrow, and every one of us witnessed the death of Sungpyo’s poor heart. “So you’re saying you will ignore the curriculum genres that you are less proficient in, and focus on making yourself look great by teaching them something that wouldn’t help them in class?”

He hung his head in defeat.

By the time Ms Yoo was done with her screening, half of the class had opted out of the workshop mentoring.

As a last resort, she called on past mentors to share the ugly side of mentoring. “It’s extremely time consuming.” “You don’t get a substitute. If you’re sick, well, that’s too bad.” “Your group is counting on you to make their transition between classes a smooth one.”

I disagreed with calling those the ugly side. Yes, it’s time consuming. But that time is being consumed doing things you (presumably) love doing. You don’t get a substitute. You are the only one in charge of the workshops. On days you’re sick you can teach them “Meditation in Dance”. They are counting on you? Ah that’s bull. They are counting on you to be there, physically, and tell them that if anything during or after the transition is hard at any point that they can talk to you. That’s it.

I absolutely love being a mentor.

***

I woke up and ate a hard boiled egg with a seasonless salad on the side. My manager’s been telling me that the three months without moving have not been doing my body good.

I was alone at the table. No one else was on as strict a diet as I was, so I chose to eat earlier than them. I didn’t want to torture myself with the sight of all the other food that I couldn’t eat.

Tentatively, I reached out to Alice. I thought she might be sleeping, and I wondered what it felt like to experience sleep in third person.

I was wrong. She was awake. The sun was hardly up. She was out for a run. Good morning, I said. She had earphones in playing Ailee.

‘Oh, hi. What are you doing up?’ she asked.

Breakfast. I’m on a diet, so I don’t want to eat with everyone else.

She rummaged through my mind for background info. I could feel it. It didn’t hurt, nor was it intrusive. It felt like… It felt the way touching legs with the person next to you in a cramped car feels. Just… the way things happen to be.

‘You’re eating less, you should be eating later. You’re just going to get hungry faster,’ she advised. The song changed. AOA Cream’s “Jelly Baby”. I’m getting better at this.

I know, but we all leave right after they finish eating. Either I eat with them, or I force them to get up early, and then everyone else waits for me. I’d rather not do either.

‘Stay safe. This is coming from me as a fan, but also from me as the one who can feel you in my head.’

I chuckled. What are you doing today?

‘I’m jogging until sunrise, and then climbing up to the roof to dance.'

All day? I was finished my salad. It had been hard to get through.

‘No, at around three in the afternoon, Sungkyung’s taking me shopping.’ She turned a corner. I was 110% certain I’d never been where she currently was, but it seemed so familiar to me. ‘You?’

I glanced at the week’s schedule taped to the wall right above the recycling bin full of previous drafts of the same week, and past weeks. We’re going to record some songs to repackage Love & Letter.

‘Will you be on the old songs too?’ Alice asked.

I already was. They were recorded very shortly before the lightning, I informed her.

The sun crept up. I was done with my food. The other members would be up soon. I walked over to the window. We couldn’t see much other than the brick wall of the building next to us, but if we cracked open the window and stuck our head through, we could sometimes see the sky.

‘That’s a gloomy looking dorm,’ Alice commented. ‘But hey, the sun’s up. Soon it will be rush hour and no one will mind my music on the rooftop.’

I already started to hear the cars on the road. They were probably trying to beat the rush hour, only to end up becoming the very beginning of it.

Reminded me of the idol life. How many of us got stuck doing things we didn’t want to do only because it was the newest trend wave?

‘Is that how you truly feel about the idol life?’ Alice asked. She was genuine. I think she was concerned.

Well, yes and no, I said, choosing to be honest. I do feel that way, but that’s not the only way I feel.

***

Mom decided she had to be there while I danced. It made her nervous to see me at such a high place, vulnerable to the forces of nature.

“The odds are even lower than before for me to get hit, Mom,” I argued.

“The odds were low for you to get hit in the first place,” she countered.

I knew she meant well. And I love my mom, don’t get me wrong, but the rooftop when I’m dancing is my sanctuary. My safe haven. My alone time. I simply didn’t like the idea of someone watching me. I would feel restricted.

‘How about you reach a compromise?’ Joshua asked, reminding me of his presence in my head and access to my thoughts. ‘Let her stay up there with you, but tell her not to watch you.’

How will I know she’s not watching me?

‘Do you think your mom would do that to you?’

I don’t know. She’s always so curious. She might not be able to hold back from taking a peek.

“You can’t be up here while I’m dancing, Mom. Look, it’s not even raining.”

“The weather forecasts rain soon. Look at the clouds.” The clouds looming over us were, in fact, grey and about to spill.

“Okay, but no one said anything about a thunderstorm. No thunder, no lightning. No lightning, no danger.”

Mom sighed. “That’s not how danger works, Alice.”

“Go play with Ariel, Mom. She’s always looking for trouble. You’d better make sure she stays out of it. You know, they don’t call them Terrible Twos for nothing.” I gently put my hands on her shoulders, turned her around, and nudged her towards the stair doors.

“If I hear a single thunder roll, you are coming inside immediately.”

“Okay Mom, sure, whatever. Please, let me dance, I’m losing precious minutes.”

She cast me one last worried glance, and then let herself through the doors. I waited for it to click shut before running up to my dock and pressing play.

I started slow, as I always do, with a song called “Gone Away”, by Lucy Schwartz. As the lyrics flowed, so did my arms. All of my movements were geared towards stretching my limbs out, and getting the muscles warmed up.

The next song on the list was a complete 180, with BTS’ “Dope”. The jerky moves and fast-paced rhythm was meant to get my heart racing. Partway through the song, I felt a drop of rain hit my cheek and it gave me a great boost of energy.

After that, I worked on an assignment I had for school. It really started raining then, which was great for my creativity, but not so much for the writing down of all my ideas. Instead I locked it into muscle memory for the time being.

‘I’ve gotta say I’m really impressed so far,’ Joshua said. ‘I can’t see you, of course, but from what I can see of your visualization of the dance.’

Joshua! I thought. If I won’t let my mother watch, what makes you think you can?

To be honest I was shocked I could talk to him like that, like we were old friends. It really did feel like