I woke up in a haze and rolled over in my bed, only to find an obstruction I wasn’t expecting. I frowned. Had Ariel slept in my bed last night? I couldn’t remember such a thing. Also, the obstruction felt much bigger than a tiny three-year-old. I sighed, realizing I would be forced to open my eyes. 

Next to me, back pressed against the wall, was Joshua. He was using an arm as a makeshift pillow, and only half of his body was covered in my blanket. 

“Psst,” I whispered. “Josh. Wake up.” I tapped him gently on the shoulders and he awoke with a deep breath. 

“Oh,” he grunted. “Good morning. Did I scare you?” 

I shook my head. “No, but why are you in my bed? When and how did you get here?” 

With a groan, he pushed himself up to a sitting position. The bags under his eyes looked heavy, and I didn’t even think he realized that he was furrowing his brows. “I was outside the building when your dad came home from work last night. He let me in. We chatted over some tea, then he went to sleep, and so did I. Here.” 

“Okay. Can I ask why you were here to begin with?” 

“I needed to talk to you. You’re the only one I want to talk to about… well, us.” 

I could feel my face softening at his words. “Alright. You wanna talk over breakfast, then?” 

“That would be nice.” 

He looked insanely tired, so I made him get a few more minutes of sleep while I prepared food in the kitchen. I flipped a couple of omelettes and slid them onto plates. When I went back to my room to call him over, he wasn’t sleeping. He was standing at my bookshelf, smiling to himself. 

“What’s up?” I asked. 

He pointed at a picture of me in a toddler's ballet class that was part of a 5-frame gift my mom had prepared for my birthday two years ago. “Cute. Can I please see you in a tutu at some point?” 

I smirked. “Maybe. Come on, breakfast is getting cold.” He sat down and started eating while I poured us both some orange juice. “What did you talk about with my dad?” 

His mouth was full, so he started to chew faster, which only made him comical at best. “About how much I care about you. He spilled every last detail about your last relationship. Did he really want you to go on tour with him everywhere?” 

I chuckled. “Yep. It got really expensive.” 

“You mean you actually did it?” 

“For a summer. Before we broke up for real he was trying to get me on the team as a backup dancer, too, but his agency knew me from back when they forced us to break up. They didn’t allow it.” 

“That’s insane. Also, these eggs are really good.” 

“Thanks,” I said with a stiff smile. “You didn’t come here to talk about my ex, did you?” 

He sighed heavily, and I felt in my own stomach how nervous he was to say what he wanted to say. ‘I can’t say it out loud, I may puke.’ 

“O-okay,” I replied. “Umm, do you want me to just… read your mind for it?” 

Joshua nodded. 

‘What I’m about to reveal to you will definitely change your opinion of me. I just want you to promise me that no matter how you feel about the words you’re about to hear, you hear me out to the end.’ 

I frowned, confused, but nodded. “Promise, I guess.” 

‘First and foremost, I love you.’ 

I laughed anxiously. “Is that what you were so nervous to tell me?” I joked, but I knew it wasn’t. He wasn’t done speaking. 

‘I didn’t always love you, though. I have a terrible habit of only realizing I love someone when I am about to lose them. I just wanted to be completely honest with you. Up until Han Seongsu told me to leave you, I wasn’t even sure I liked you for real.’ 

“Wait, what? Joshua, what does that even mean?” 

Joshua shut his eyes tight and squeaked out, “I know how horrible it sounds, and it really was horrible of me.” 

“I don’t know if I even want to keep listening.”

“You promised.” 

“So make it snappy,” I told him. 

‘What I mean by that, is you were a rebound. Oh, that sounds so much worse! I just wanted to dive into a new relationship to forget about someone in my past.’ 

I started to ask, “Who?” but before I had gotten through the one syllable question, I knew the answer. “Oh. Jinhee.” 

He hung his head.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him. 

His head snapped up and his teary eyes met mine. “Because--" his voice caught. ‘Because I realized how much I love you. For real. And it was killing me knowing that I was hiding something like this from you.’ 

“Is that supposed to impress me? Was that line supposed to woo me back into your arms?” I let out an airy guffaw. “Joshua, right now your agency making us break up is sounding a lot more like a blessing than it did yesterday.” 

‘I understand. I was so incredibly selfish, and now I’m paying the price for it.’ 

I rolled my eyes in an attempt to keep the tears back. “I hope you know just how much you hurt me by telling me this. If you are done speaking, I would like for you to leave my house now.” 

“Alice, I know I hurt you,” he said out loud. “I know I was so wrong. Please give me a chance to love you the way you deserve.”

I shut my eyes and pointed at the door. “Leave. Now.” 

***

There had been another reason I had stayed at Alice’s for the night: I didn’t want to face my members like this.

I stood outside the door of the building, debating whether or not I should go in. I would have to eventually. I really didn't have the strength to put on a smile right now. 

I texted Seungcheol to see if anyone was even home. Unfortunately for me, everyone was. I asked him if he could get them all away from the door so that I could just sneak into my own room. He told me he’d try, and a minute later told me to dash for it. 

Everyone was in the kitchen getting an earful about leaving dishes everywhere. I slipped inside and ran for my room before anyone noticed. Safely in my living quarters, I shook off my day clothes and sprung into some comfy pyjamas. At least the flannel would absorb my tears a lot better. 

Thalia texted, saying her dad had sent over the papers to Pledis. I couldn’t care any less. At this point, nothing mattered. I hadn’t been lying earlier when I said that the only person I wanted to talk to about this was Alice. And then I went and blew it. 

I didn’t regret telling her the truth. I would rather her find out as early as possible than wait and have her find out years later. 

I went to bed so late last night and I woke up so early this morning, I hated that despite how little sleep I got I couldn’t fall asleep now. 

Then I got a call. It was Jinhee. The one person I really couldn’t talk to right now. I declined her call and shut my eyes. Then I got a call from Jaeson. It was clearly just Jinhee on his phone. I