Again.

It’s happening again.

Seokjin refused to acknowledge himself, going down on slump again. With all those insecurities eating him alive, he found himself nowhere safe. He could escape his own emotions. 

Seokjin often wondered if it was a god’s test, to allow him to feel the negative emotions being amplified. He always felt as if he was able to feel a level deeper of sadness then anybody, a level deeper of anger than anybody. All those negative emotions were discouraging enough for him to handle.

He tried, tried to feel all the positive vibes around, forcing himself to blend in the crowd, joining parties to feel the thrill. 

But he ended up feeling even more empty. It was as if him absorbing all the negative vibes from the rest.

Why?
He often asked himself. 

Why does he had to feel that way? Why he could not feel like a normal human being.

“My child, it’s god’s gift.”
His mother smiled, caressing the young seokjin’s cheeks. He had heard that umpteenth of time since young.

Seokjin had enough. He did not want to feel those negative vibes anymore. He want to feel wanted, he wanted to feel safe.

All he wanted,

was to feel,

Happy.

----

Hoseok sat down by the side of the bed, sweeping fringe away from Seokjin’s forehead.

“How long has hyung been like this?”
Hoseok asked softly, with the utmost tenderness in his eyes.

Yoongi clenched his fist tight. He told himself it was not the right time to feel jealous or angry at that moment.

“It’s been 2 weeks.”
Yoongi gritted his teeth, trying to hide the anger away.

Hoseok frowned. It’s been 2 weeks since Seokjin slept for more than 12 hours a day and Hoseok knew it was the symptom of Seokjin running away.

Running away from something that he dislike. Seokjin tend to sleep more whenever he was feeling really depressed, feeling those negative stuff that he would not want to feel at all.

That thought made Hoseok’s heart hurt, as he knew Seokjin was not at his best condition. Seokjin was feeling all bad, sad inside and Hoseok felt helpless. He knew he could not do anything to help. All he could do was to stay by Seokjin’s side all the time, telling him positive stuff when he woke up. 

He knew Seokjin needed somebody to talk to, but he knew Seokjin could not. Seokjin had a hard time being vocal about his thoughts, about how he really felt. 

Hoseok knew that and Hoseok knew how to deal with it. For Hoseok was Seokjin’s childhood playmate, or you could say , best buddy for life.

Hoseok wore a weak smile as he turned to look at Yoongi.
“Just…. Just stay by his side, would you? When he woke up, I mean.”

Hoseok knew it was the time to let someone else taking his job, the job to accompany Seokjin when he was feeling down. And that someone was there. 

Min Yoongi. 

Min Yoongi was that someone.

Yoongi nodded his head as he walked Hoseok towards the door. He watched Hoseok slipping toll into his shoes and reaching for the doorknob to open the door.

“Erm… Just update me about Seokjin’s condition when he woke up.”
Hoseok smiled before he left.

Yoongi nodded his head.

“Ah… Also, erm...if Seokjin ever….you know… Needs me, just give me a call. I’ll be here in a jiffy.”
Hoseok said again.

Yoongi knew whatever Hoseok said was a good intention for Seokjin. However, he could not help but to feel frustrated about it.

Can't I even settle this matter by myself?
Yoongi knew it was not right to think that way. He was just Seokjin’s room mate, that’s all.

Isn't it enough?
Yoongi asked himself. But then again, if Seokjin really trust him, why was Seokjin back being on that condition?

Apparently, it was Yoongi’s second time experiencing a down casted Seokjin with the same condition again. He could handle it as sought help from Hoseok. 

And thought that, Yoongi observed how Hoseok stayed by Seokjin’s side, giving Seokjin reassurance. Those reassurance may seemed nothing, but it meant something form Seokjin. 

Something important. It was called Acceptance.

From there, Yoongi learned, to observe, to help whenever Seokjin was feeling down. He tried to prevent the same thing from happening but he failed to do so. 

It was happening again. Yoongi blamed himself. He thought he could have prevented it and it must be his negligence or something.

“Don't worry, it’s not your fault. You did good.”
Hoseok smiled and left.

Did Hoseok really meant what he said? 
Hoseok himself did not even know.

Part of him blamed Yoongi for not paying enough attention. If let say It was Hoseok who was by Seokjin’s side, Seokjin would not go down on the slump. 

But part of him knew it was not Yoongi’s fault. Yoongi had no past experience on handling Seokjin’s depression. He knew Yoongi had tried his best.

Hoseok knew. He knew.

But he wished the person was him. 

The person beside Seokjin used to be him, not Yoongi.

---

Seokjin tried to open his eyes, feeling sore all over his body. He felt a little feverish but he was not quite sure if he was really sick.

He knew he was not in his good condition for the past 2 weeks. He tried to feel happy again, but it was hard. He wanted to run away from the negative feelings that felt and sleeping was the best remedy.

“Hey…”
Seokjin turned his head and saw Yoongi lying next to him.
“ How are you?”

Yoongi reached out his hand, holding onto Seokjin’s hand. He kneaded his thumb in circular motions on the back of Seokjin’s hand. 

Hoseok had reminded him that Seokjin would feel much relief whenever he did that. Yeah, whenever he did that.

Stop. 
Yoongi got to stop himself from feelings jealous. It was not the right time.

The corner of Seokjin’s lips pulled up into a pretty angle, flashing a small smile towards Yoongi.
“Good…. What’s the time now?”

“7.45, evening.”
Yoongi said as he looked at the clock on the wall.

The expression fell but quickly revert back on Seokjin's face. Yoongi caught that but did not mention anything about it.

“Just treat as if you didn't see that. But you gotta take note of it.”
Hoseok told him before.
“Try to say something positive.”

Yoongi had those words ringing in his head. He smiled and said. 
“You gotta wake up now and have some food.”

All Yoongi could do was to shower Seokjin with concern. And if he could, if Seokjin allowed, he was willing to shower Seokjin with love too. 

If Seokjin allowed.

He knew he could not go down with Seokjin. He needs to pull Seokjin back up to the surface to breathe.

---

Seokjin could see that Yoongi was trying his best, to wear a smile. He knew it must be Hoseok’s instructions.

All those were too familiar, too familiar for him to oversee. Seokjin would not miss the weariness in Yoongi’s eyes too. It must be tiring for Yoongi.

“Hoseok? Where is he?”
Seokjin said softly as he looked at Yoongi’ hand.
Seokjin did not want to see Yoongi trying so hard for him. He did not want to force Yoongi being a person that he was not to begin with.

Honestly, that hurt Yoongi. But he did not dare to retort back.
“Do you need him?”

Please say no. Please say no.

“Yeah.”
Seokjin said softly.
“I...I need him now.”

Why? I'm here. I'm here! Look at me!

Those words could not came out from Yoongi’s mouth. Yoongi let go of his hand slowly and reached out for his phone to call Hoseok.

“Hi, hyung? Is Seokjin hyung awake?”
Hoseok asked from the other line.

“Yeah.”
Yoongi paused for a moment, looking at Seokjin with the corner of his eyes. Seokjin was staring at the ceiling at that moment, looking tired.

That’s right. He needs to be recharged. I'm not a ball of sunshine like Hoseok. Hoseok is better…..better than me…..

Yoongi gritted his teeth and continued.
“Come here, Seokjin said he needs you.”

“Okay, 10 minutes and i’ll be there.”

---

That 10 minutes was sure long. Long enough for Yoongi to feel suffocated around Seokjin.

It was not suppose to be like that.

Seokjin was almost dozing back to sleep and Yoongi knew he could not let Seokjin sleep.
“Jin?”

“Yeah?”
Seokjin replied groggily.

“Let’s talk.”
Yoongi said as he looked at Seokjin, hopping Seokjin could stay awake.

“Talk?......can we talk the next time?”
Seokjin turned to look at him, with fear in his eyes.

That sadden Yoongi by a lot.

“You….you know I love you right?”
Yoongi said, choking back the tears that were forming.

Seokjin remained silent.

“Say something….”
Yoongi was almost pleading. 

Just then, the bell rang. It must be Hoseok.

The gazed lingered longer before Yoongi stood from the bed and opened the door for Hoseok.

“I’ll leave him to you.”
Yoongi said and left the house.

“Wait!”
Hoseok tried to stop Yoongi, but Yoongi was too fast. 

Something’s wrong?

Hoseok quickly took off his shoes and slipped in to the indoor slipper. He quickened his pace towards the bedroom and saw Seokjin lying on the bed with an arm covering his eyes.

“Hyung?”
Hoseok approached Seokjin quietly, and slipped under the duvet, lying beside Seokjin.

“Hope….”
Seokjin croaked, could hear that he was choking back his tears. Hoseok could see the tears running down the side of Seokjin’s face and Seokjin slowly began to sob.

Louder and louder.

“Hope….i’ve ed up….”
Seokjin leaned closer to Hoseok, bring his arms down and buried his face into Hoseok’s embrace.

Hoseok could feel the tears forming a wet spot on his shirt but he knew that was not important. He most important thing at that moment was seokjin.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Don't worry I'm here….”
Hoseok smooth the hair on the back of seokjin’s head, cradled him.

“I’ve…..I've hurt Yoongi.”
Seokjin sobbed.

It was not that Seokjin did not feel safe around Yoongi. He just did not want to burden Yoongi and forced Yoongi to be a bright person like he was not.

Yoongi was a mellow person and exuded a great sense of security. Seokjin loved that, and he was pretty sure hat was not the only thing he loved about Yoongi.

Yoongi was everything to Seokjin.
Everything.

He did not want to pull Yoongi down.

“I shouldn't let Yoongi in at the first place.”
Seokjin tightened his embrace.
“I’m such a burden for Yoongi.”

----